Pain is unbearable, blaming myself.. I miss her

[Paxetlux]

but what if it's "out of sight out of mind" and not "absence makes the heart grow fonder"

 

And I'm not in her life which gives ample opportunity for someone else to come in and she's already confused jumps into a rebound, THEN realizes she wants to be with me.

 

-at this point I really don;t think I could ever be okay with knowing what I once had special with her is now not so much anymore.

 

I'm headed to the bar, I'll post in here if/when she texts me because she will

 

Sigh, It totally sucks dude.

[Paxetlux]

It's like when you're out of love it's the furthest thing from your mind, but when you're in love you need it just to get out of bed in the morning and give you strength to want to accomplish things. I'm not looking forward to the future

[Jono85]

i could have written your whole story, trust me. well u don't even have to, you can just read through my threads i've started.

 

same exact ****. my ex said she loved me within 2 months, it scared the hell out of me (btw she was also long distance, 1-2 hours). she was clingy, like yours, very affectionate, very caring and sweet, everything. well i took this for granted. i had my reasons, also her neediness at times started fights and it just pushed me away. i broke up with her twice, but took her back immediately b/c she would beg and plead and be hysterical and she knew it wasn't b/c i had other girls lined up, i just didn't feel the same love she felt and i felt really guilty about it, so she'd convince me to keep trying and not kill it. so i kept on going with it. well long story short i fell for her. hard. but only when she started acting a bit distant and i fully realized how much i loved her. we tried for a bit, but it was too late. she'd lost her feelings. took me 8 friggin months to tell her i loved her. i can't fathom the pain she went through. i'm an idiot for not realizing what i had, but feelings are feelings. not sure what i could have done differently.

 

i went through everything you went through. the anger phase; said some mean things to her that i regret. then the begging stage and professing my love etc. let me tell you, i regret all that. and you need to stop. you're pouring it on WAY too thick, and i've learned you simply cannot change a girls mind. you have to accept what's happened and BACK OFF. as hard as it is, that's what you have to do. you've laid everything on the table already. you're just pushing her further now, b/c you're so desperate, and it's not attractive (and our exes have already lost attraction, so you're just digging deeper).

 

now, there's not really a rosy ending to my story here. we're 1 month NC currently (we broke up in the summer), and she recently started dating someone. she told me when we talked last. she admitted to also having sex with him (first person since me) but claimed it was only once and they're taking things reallyyy slow (yea right). i'm pretty disgusted and not sure i'd ever be able to take her back now. she claims they aren't serious yet but the feelings are natural and would try things with me again if she hadn't developed feelings for this guy (again, yea right). so right now i've accepted it. like i said 1 month NC, no contact over holidays which was rough (proud of myself though..). but nothing i say will get her back at this point. i blew it, like you. can't count how many times i hurt this girl...in fact even after 3 months of strict NC from our summer breakup, i called her up asking to see her, and she broke down crying/balling about how much i hurt her and how bad of a bf i was...it was devestating to hear her cry and i broke down too. it sucks man. but she just doesn't want me back anymore.

 

might this change? maybe. but i can't worry about that and gotta keep moving on. probs wouldn't even want her anymore anyway after she's had feelings for this guy, and lost feelings for me. it sucks. but it's life. we must learn from our mistakes. she wasn't perfect. hell, our relationship wasn't perfect. i'll do better, and so will you.

Edited January 10, 2013 by Jono85

[Paxetlux]

Hi bro! I respect the story, lines up with mine, thanks for sharing! Except for some parts. She never cried about how much I hurt her, in fact she told me I was a good boyfriend, I never abused her etc (obv comparing me to her last relationships)

 

Heres the thing: I did ALL I could, so now I have not as many regrets and feeling like a piece of poop as i once did. I'm going to know lay off and let it marinate, and as an adult, I may have to accept the fact shes been with other people prior to me, and if we're "broken up" then it is as it was before I met her.. i know, that "special thing" we had may been tainted, but is that out of immaturity? I will give it a month or so before I decide hung ho move on.

 

This rebound relationship will not satisfy her for long (im strong assuming here shes even in one) but I can't be blind and in denial either, it's a strong possibility, shes a very pretty girl..

 

My plan: Backing off NC for a few days, Ill text her after 2 or 3 days to let her know im still here and open for support.. but if time passes and it's the same **** I have no choice but to accept it, fu** it dude.

 

I love this girl like no other, and i keep repeating the times I wish i could go back and do it over but I cant.. but THATS hats killing me, every time I think of a mistake I made i want to text her and apologize.

[Jono85]

Hi bro! I respect the story, lines up with mine, thanks for sharing! Except for some parts. She never cried about how much I hurt her, in fact she told me I was a good boyfriend, I never abused her etc (obv comparing me to her last relationships)

 

Heres the thing: I did ALL I could, so now I have not as many regrets and feeling like a piece of poop as i once did. I'm going to know lay off and let it marinate, and as an adult, I may have to accept the fact shes been with other people prior to me, and if we're "broken up" then it is as it was before I met her.. i know, that "special thing" we had may been tainted, but is that out of immaturity? I will give it a month or so before I decide hung ho move on.

 

This rebound relationship will not satisfy her for long (im strong assuming here shes even in one) but I can't be blind and in denial either, it's a strong possibility, shes a very pretty girl..

 

My plan: Backing off NC for a few days, Ill text her after 2 or 3 days to let her know im still here and open for support.. but if time passes and it's the same **** I have no choice but to accept it, fu** it dude.

 

I love this girl like no other, and i keep repeating the times I wish i could go back and do it over but I cant.. but THATS hats killing me, every time I think of a mistake I made i want to text her and apologize.

 

i know what u mean, with the urge to want to apologize for everything. but please man, don't even "back off for a few days and then text her", just stop altogether. like i've said, you've poured it on really thick already. i know your heart wants to do these things b/c you love her so much, but you're not realizing that too much is actually killing your chances here. it's not attractive. please, just stop altogether. you've said everything and then a ton. let her go, for now. it's tough, but you need to face this like a man. no more initiating contact, and even if she initiates contact, no more soft heart pouring words. you'll have to fake it for a while, but hold yourself together if she contacts you. no begging, asking for her back, nothing. it's your best shot.

[Paxetlux]

Texted me this morning "I had a dream you were dating the other sam"

 

Mutual friend of ares..

 

What do?

 

lol

[Paxetlux]

Thinking of saying "haha, silly" Playful, but not leading..

 

Obviously I know I need to back off now and give her some space but, I want to let her know im still around

[cavalier99]

Hey sorry you having a rough time. From what I've read it is 100 percent OVER sorry to say.

 

She is USING contact with you to get over you. Unfortunately nothing you can do except complete NC. Id text her.... to never contact you again good bye. Then block her. Recover your self esteem.

 

You need to start recovering. This game you guys are playing will only hurt you while you help her get over you. TIME TO VANISH! And start over. Sorry

[Paxetlux]

Really? What makes you say that though?

[na49]

Thinking of saying "haha, silly" Playful, but not leading..

 

Obviously I know I need to back off now and give her some space but, I want to let her know im still around

 

Don't say anything dude. Okay she had a dream about you. I had a dream about my ex last night too. I didn't tell her about it. It doesn't really mean anything. You say "haha silly" and where does it get you? How does that help you to move on? You wait for a response. Maybe you don't get one. "did she get my text?" why isn't she responding?" she responds. What does she say? I don't know how I would respond to "haha silly" so I probably wouldn't.

 

You know that you have to back off and give her space. Take your own advice. Back off and give her space. If you haven't forgotten about her, she hasn't forgotten about you. She isn't thinking of you as much as you think of her, but you haven't disappeared from her thoughts completely. You may never completely disappear from her thoughts. I think when we're with someone, we make a permanent mark on their brain and they will never "forget" us per say. We haven't forgotten them. That's for sure.

 

So yeah. Want to drive her away? Then continue to annoy the crap out of her. Want her to miss you? Leave her alone and let her see how great life is without you. It may not be as great as she thinks and she'll want you back in her life (not date you again. just reel you into her friend zone which you should REFUSE! until you're over her) because she knows how supportive you were. (I'm speaking from experience)

[Jono85]

Really? What makes you say that though?

 

well for one, you pretty much gave her a date that any girl would absolutely dream of with someone they had feelings for. the fact that it didn't really make her fall back in love with you, serves the point that her feelings are gone. she's being as nice as she can with the "i don't knows". like someone else said, she's really saying "i don't know why i can't regain my feelings, they're just not there". you're not seeing the bigger picture, and neither can many of us when we're caught up in it. my ex gave me a few chances to make things work, and unfortunately her feelings just couldn't come around. i'm sure she wanted them to, but they didn't.

 

like i've said, you've put EVERYTHING out on the table, and then some. time to stop trying completely or you risk making things worse. show her you're a man and can cope/move on without her and that you know everything will be okay regardless of what happens.

 

girls absolutely hate when guys get overly emotional for them b/c it puts so much pressure on them and ends up pushing them away. you made it sound like she's "the one" and that's really not cool when she's already struggling with her feelings to you and confused.

[cavalier99]

Really? What makes you say that though?

 

 

Ive just seen this pattern before in my relationships and on here. Unfortunately seem like final stage before we should just be friends call.

 

Is she with you? NO. Is she making effort to see you besides friendly lunch? NO. Are you having sex with her? NO. Does she feel act like your girlfriend who was there for you ...now even after you poured your heart out? NO

 

She may miss you she may love you some but this all seem insufficient to be in a relationship with you. She has checked out and when you contact her she feels better about her decision more at peace and you feel like sh*t. She isn't hurting very much over this.

 

If she wanted to be with you she would BUT she isn't and you are now worried about what to text her...that tells the whole story.

[Paxetlux]

yeah.. I accept that, and you're probably right..

 

I just have guilt about how she did so much for me, now she's either checked out or cautious?

 

I get mixed signals like "give her space and time" Trying to stay positive about this one..

and others like "oh fu*k it"

 

 

I need to let her miss me and let it marinate...but yes, this waiting is really beginning to take a toll on me.

 

Ahhh idk man, I feel like a sissy, but the "hope" is whats keeping me going here, if i drop and accept "damn, i messed up with a great girl and she aint cming back" it really brings me to pieces

[cavalier99]

yeah.. I accept that, and you're probably right..

 

I just have guilt about how she did so much for me, now she's either checked out or cautious?

 

I get mixed signals like "give her space and time" Trying to stay positive about this one..

and others like "oh fu*k it"

 

 

I need to let her miss me and let it marinate...but yes, this waiting is really beginning to take a toll on me.

 

Ahhh idk man, I feel like a sissy, but the "hope" is whats keeping me going here, if i drop and accept "damn, i messed up with a great girl and she aint cming back" it really brings me to pieces

 

I know it is super rough. But you holding onto a ghost. You really need to kill ALL HOPE. This hope will just destroy you and string you along for weeks if not more of misery. Better to take the dive and suffer thru the inevitable and start healing.

 

I guarantee if you text her and say this is to tough being in contact without being in a relationship and she needs to decide.

 

She will respond ..ok.. sorry you feel that way i wanted to stay friends... or to just give her more time blah blah blah..all bs that you don't need.

 

Time for NC and to cry mourn ecetera. She isn't coming back but in the small 1 percent chance she does this would be the only way

Edited January 10, 2013 by cavalier99

[jovan]

Just take some time and give your self space to grieve. Do not contact her again, and enjoy a good book or a tv show. Give your self some time and space to relax everything else will come naturally.

[Paxetlux]

Thanks brothers, I'm not sure why she's on about this random other girl.

 

"I had a dream you were dating the other sam"

 

Me: Lol, that's werid.

 

Her: "I can see you guys dating, I suppose."

 

 

wtf?

 

I feel like not responding at all or just saying, shes not really my type.

[na49]

Thanks brothers, I'm not sure why she's on about this random other girl.

 

"I had a dream you were dating the other sam"

 

Me: Lol, that's werid.

 

Her: "I can see you guys dating, I suppose."

 

 

wtf?

 

I feel like not responding at all or just saying, shes not really my type.

 

lol what happened to "I know I need to back off"?

 

You don't know answers to questions that don't have answers. Why is she on about this other girl? She had a dream about her. She's just being "friendly" and telling you about it. You're looking more and more like a great friend and she's getting over you more and more with every text you send her. Are you upset at all about losing her? Are you upset at all that you lost her and she's not coming back?

 

You do you though. If texting her helps you heal. Keep it up. Cav hit the nail on the head with his post earlier though. Maybe it's too early for you to move on. Right after a BU it's hard to cut contact right away, eventually you'll realize your attempts to bring them back don't work and that's when you give up.

[jovan]

Just ignore it all and live your life, trust me in few years you'll look back at this point of your life like a wake up call to find some else more compatible to you. I know you want to be with her, but trust me this is the best thing that could have happened to you!

[Paxetlux]

"it's weird how everytime we break up you become a different person, you become the person i met"

 

Think she means from when we first met..

[Paxetlux]

I'm going to play this card for a little, im going to assume she's afraid of me hurting her again and is being protective, I'm making some ground, im not going to saturate her with love and compliments though, I'm going to treat her as if she's not priority anymore, if some time a week or two goes by and she hasnt come around I'll go NC.

 

 

But I know this girl, she's very awkward and dosen't know how to communicate exactly how she feels ever.

[Zammo25]

Let me tell you. She is GONE. When a Woman loses feelings for you it is easier to fly to the moon on a bike than get her back. Also in my experience when they meet another guy and has sex with him, you are gone and gone forever. With Women the act of sex is usually a massive commitment and when they do it they immediately get strong feelings for the other guy. I know this, I am experiencing it and it f*cking hurts like pain you would not know. But it is what it is and there is nothing you or I can do to change the path they have taken now. You two are finished as me and my ex are finished. Try to come to terms with it. Very tough I know.

[Coping Vortex]

Let me tell you. She is GONE. When a Woman loses feelings for you it is easier to fly to the moon on a bike than get her back. Also in my experience when they meet another guy and has sex with him, you are gone and gone forever. With Women the act of sex is usually a massive commitment and when they do it they immediately get strong feelings for the other guy. I know this, I am experiencing it and it f*cking hurts like pain you would not know. But it is what it is and there is nothing you or I can do to change the path they have taken now. You two are finished as me and my ex are finished. Try to come to terms with it. Very tough I know.

 

Zammo you so hit the nail on the head. Once she starts ****ing someone else she has created a love bond with that guy. Most women can't just have totally meaningless sex. I know my ex has fallen for her new man. Nothing I can say or do will get her back. The funny thing is she admitted through bread crumbs that I was the best in bed she ever had even though she is with her new guy. Even though she thinks I'm the best it doesn't mean anything. Any sex with her new guy means she is already bonded. Even bad sex binds them to someone else.

Edited January 10, 2013 by Coping Vortex

[triggerx51]

I feel for you man, hope you’re doing better in the future only threaten the relationship if you’re a man to walk away from it without going back.

 

That whole alpha male thing went out the window the moment you went back, it’s an attraction killer, and woman usually don’t just leave there is another guy or two in the picture believe me. It’s time for you to make some new girlfriends and move on from this mess.

[Paxetlux]

You were all correct.

 

Let me tell you, she's in a new relationship already with the same person I expected.

 

I told her, thank you, for allowing me to come see you, dance with you, kiss you, accept my gifts, smile in my ****ing face while you hid this cocksucker in the shadows, I've never been done like that and in the future when you're cold and lonely don't come back to me.

 

You could drag your tits through a mile of broken glass to see me, and i'd laugh at you.

 

You coulda stabbed me in the front, letting me cling onto false hopes while you disregarded and ignored everytime I asked why, is there someone else?

 

She tried to blame it on me of course..

 

What the **** ever **** this garbage, I cant believe i could be deceived by such a beautiful girl, who stood by me always, how does this happen?

 

Yes, shes young.. but.. still.. I'm no clown when it comes to character judgement.. and after all the pain i still wish I could love her.

 

How do you deal with the thoughts of another man ****ing your once little angel?

[denxnis]

Going through same **** is as you, here is some real advice without cupcaking ****.

 

Yeah she is ****ing another dude. You messed up, but it sounds like you really loved this girl and realize your faults. After trying to work things out with her turns out she was already banging another guy while you were pouring your heart out... so far so good?

 

She is a whore. I don't care what anyone else says, if she was in a committed/serious relationship and jumped into bed with another guy immediately after breaking up, she is a whore.

 

Do you want to date the town whore?

 

You're better than her, just don't blow it by jumping into a rebound relationship. Give it time, hit the gym when you're angry and focus on enjoying the single life, we are still young.

 

FYI - If you ever got back with this girl your relationship wouldn't last, just walk away and don't look back.