Pain is unbearable, blaming myself.. I miss her

[Paxetlux]

I'm actually even hesitant writing this, because it hurts, but I need to reach out.

 

I guess i'll start with some basics, i'm 23 years old and this is not my first rodeo, i've been broken 3 times before this, however I believe they were way less mature and weighty than this relationship. I know i'm perceived as "young" but young honestly is just a number.

 

My PAST relationship, the one prior to this, was a total mess, it had it's good times btu more bad than good, a lot of fights etc. I learned a lot, but I was single for 3 years after it, and really quite crushed, I had sworn off women and that I'd never ever again feel that pain again, through time I came back around and started defining myself as to what i wanted in life, and found some direction. (this was a long distance relationship by the way)

 

In short, I learned from my mistakes, So comes along this new girl, and honestly I was just planning on a "hook up" when I started talking to her, she had just turned 20 and was a little "airy" Not stupid, had life experience but just bubbly I suppose, in the first few conversations she would tell me about "annoying guys" who wouldnt leave her alone from the past, I shrugged at the fact, there were some signs, but I chose to ignore them I suppose, people are people right? and I have my skeletons in the closet.

 

So time goes by, I laid the law down very clear for her because she wanted a relationship with me. I told her "Sammy, I am far from perfect, I have a crazy family, not a lot of money right now, and I don't have a car.. but what I can offer you is all the love in my heart and loyalty, I need a PARTNER to grow with, not someone to repair, a relationship is balance" She was fine with the terms.

 

This relationship was also long distance, about an hour and a half away.

She had a full time job also, (aka funds for traveling)

 

Where I am/still was, chasing a dream I own a production company and I love film, I pour my heart and soul into my passion, so my money was tight on top of not having a job, she knew this.. and was ok with it at first. We are actually pretty successful ( i will get to this later)

 

There were few shady behaviors along the line, but I simply chocked it up me having a tendency to be over paranoid...

 

So anyway about two months into the relationship she begins to tell me things like "i love you" I say woah woah, hold on a second there baby, I'm afraid.. love is something that grows and is cultured with time.. Im not sure you know what that is.. Im afraid you're throwing that word around loosely"

 

"Do you love me?" Sam, I believe we have all the necessay ingredients for love, I just believe it takes time to grow"

 

I kinda figured she was immature, but thats okay no one is perfect.

 

As time went by I certainly did fall in love with her, she did EVERYTHING for me, drove her constantly, stood by my side when I got arrested, you name it, and I absolutely began to adore her.

 

I started school last semester, and time was very tight, I was in school full time constantly networking and writing and organizing things for vidoes/film. She expressed she felt like she was giving me a lot and I didnt have time for her, I ALWAYS tried to include her in things and wanted her to be "inspired" by my passion as I was, but I feel she only did things because shes "thought" thats how she should be acting. That was our first break out, over that I called her and I let her know i loved her so much and I wanted to give it another shot, I took her on a huge fancy passionate night out, and from then I gave her a lot more time.

 

 

Ok so as more time passed, she did have a tendency to be nasty as times, but who dosent, around her period (lol no duh) she would sometimes get SUPER emotional and winey, bitchy almost.. and that really pushed me away I won't lie sometimes I did find myself analyzing women in my classes, theses driven women with career orientated goals, and I was like man I am attracted to them (id never cheat) but they were just thoughts.

 

She worked as a bartender, i didnt mind it at first, she was actually taken back. Because she gets hit on a lot, and how I was so non nonchalantly, but i was sort of controlling my past relationship, so i decided to not let it bother me.

 

Anyway, the last few weeks of the relationship she was sort of bitchy to me, and always complaining I didnt give her enough time and that she drove all this way to see me and i'd be working on my projects etc.

 

In the mean time though, i had a LOT going on. I was having bad anxiety, school finals, fighting at home, etc. I was sort of shutting off from the world and hibernating within myself, not her fault.

 

So one night, December 19th or so actually she went out and sort of went no contact, I, playing games decided to be like yeha maybe we should just break up. Trying to get her going you know? She was nonchalantly fine about it and me being "alpha male oh shell come back to me" let it go for a few days. I deleted her off facebook, again trying to jolt her. she was completely fine with it. Sending me these jab short little texts you know jsut trying to say "hi"

 

Well anyway, I eventually engaged in conversation with her because I missed her.

 

She is VERY cold to me now. and I expressed to her how I'm sorry I should have put her first and divided my time better for her, but I was only trying to go to school and be successful with these videos, so I could give us a better life for each other, how I'm so sorry and even though she's hurt me bad all i'd like to do is hug her and let her know it's going to be okay.

 

Her father is sick with cancer, she told me she needed the distance, and she also told me "I felt distant with you towards the end" She was actually quite cold, taking hours even days to answer my texts of "Is this truly want you want?" She said she loves me, but not the same. AFTER ONLY A WEEK? she hopes we can be "friends" I said OKAY samantha, if thats what you truly want I will leave this be.. she replied " I guess that's what I want" Like, what do you want?!

 

So later that night I decide to go out and clear my head, she texts me "I know you said not to contact you but it's ironic they are opening up my job near you"

 

I was drunk and responded poorly, with song lyrics lol that were completely irrelevant.

 

anyway, i decide to do some facebook snooping and I find her commenting on a guys photos who lives near her..

 

Literally my heart was ripped out my chest. I texted her and went crazy. "How the fu** could you do that to me, you told me you LOVE me? and that's what you do? You're just like the rest, karmas a bi**, and i will do everything in my power to forget you even existed"

 

that was january 1st. I am literally on the verge of tears every day, nothing in this world has color anymore and I long for her to contact me, it drives me insane, I feel like a piece of GARBAGE, that if im not over assuming and she is "talking" to someone else, who lives closer to her, has a car.. has all the things I could not give her, I seriously feel lower than ****.

 

I forgot to add, I also shared a room with my brother, so often we opted to sleep in the living room, where we didnt have much "privacy"

 

well in less than week though, I broke up with her before christmas, I have a necklace I bought her. and I moved into a new place where I have my own room, some luck huh? I told her these things..

 

I just don't understand how somebody who was literally ATTACHED at my hip, to the point of smothering me to death and stood by my side could suddenly abandon me, I love her so much but now I have these thoughts of her running around with other guys, that can give her everything I couldn't..

 

I don't knwo what to do, I honestly dont. she is a part of my company too and she has a pivotal role, she "likes" my posts sometimes, but i dont want to over interpret everything

 

"will she come back?" Even if she does, will I be able to take her back knowing shes been with someone else? That hurts too much to think about.

 

I feel like I lost the only girl who will do so much for me and love me for me with all my dysfunctions.

 

Everyone tells me i am a very good looking guy, smart and people love me. however I can not muster up the strength to even get out of bed and think about moving on.. I can't accept this, I dont know what to do...

[meeji]

She probably just got stock of giving 100 percent who wasn't doing the same. I'm sure she cared about you a lot and still does but you can only give someone so much before you decide there is nothing more you can do without selling yourself short. I can totally relate to that feeling. I ended my relationship and an now going no contact for that very same reason. If you want her back you need to let her know in a straight forward way. If she says no, then you probably realized all of this too late. Give it a try and see what you get.

 

Pa. Never end a relationship if you seriously don't want it to be over. There is no guarantee that person will come back to you.

good luck

[Paxetlux]

She probably just got stock of giving 100 percent who wasn't doing the same. I'm sure she cared about you a lot and still does but you can only give someone so much before you decide there is nothing more you can do without selling yourself short. I can totally relate to that feeling. I ended my relationship and an now going no contact for that very same reason. If you want her back you need to let her know in a straight forward way. If she says no, then you probably realized all of this too late. Give it a try and see what you get.

 

Pa. Never end a relationship if you seriously don't want it to be over. There is no guarantee that person will come back to you.

good luck

 

 

Hey Meej, I did the best I could within my ability, I often didnt have the money to go and see her, while she had a full time job and a car (transportation) I always welcomed my home and family and encouraged her to stay as long as possible from time to time.. I wanted her to support me instead of "complain and bitch" at the projects I was working on.. I just wish her to understand. I tried to explain it to her.

 

I did send her a text message a week ago asking her if this is what she truly wants and how I felt we could do better.

 

She told me "she dosent think she can be with me right now"

 

but yet she proceeded to text me, after I went NC, what do i interpret that as? texting me things like "happy new year"

 

Did she live me for someone closer? That really burns if that's the case.

 

since I found those comments she made to that guy I sent her that nasty message and that was that... havent talked to her since, I was waiting for her to tell me the truth, she seems to just not even care.. And I don't want to text her again and look like a groveling dog with no dignity.. yet it's killing me and I do love her.. or is it all just a mental game.. this cold winter is killing me too.

[Paxetlux]

I went 4 days of NC, but i just texted her and said "Look, im sorry I said the things I said, I was hurt and over reacted, I wish you the best, take care of yourself." Now i'll go NC and well see what happens.

[crashvector]

Sounds to me like you pulled the trigger and now you're trying to take the bullet back.

 

23 isnt young. I married my wife when I was 24.

 

I think a poster above nailed it: Dont threaten to end a relationship unless you actually WANT to end it.

[Paxetlux]

I wont lie, at times I did... until she was actually gone. But how could somebody change in a day? You know? I did tell her I was simply trying to "wake her up" and have her stop acting so nasty to me, in a sense I guess i was tyring to "punish" her shady, or what I interpreted as shady behavior.

 

I explained to her through various messages how much I cared and would balance time better If i could. She did push me away at times though, I often felt like what i did was "never enough" sometimes..

 

1: so I either wait for her to come back after shes probably gone out and been with a bunch of other partners, which is something I dont think I could be with her again

 

 

2: I beg for her back (dont see this as an option) as i've already conveyed my care for her numerous times and she was cold.

 

 

3: I accept the fact I suck and it's my fault and I have to live with it.

 

I mean even if we were done, I don't believe there is reason to be cold and ruthless about it, simply ignoring your "lovers" sincere and heartfelt text messages, that's pretty cruel aint it? I could never do that. Even if I was "mad"

[Divasu]

I find these types of situations a Catch-22. You don't 'want' the person when you have them, and when you don't have the person that's when you 'want' them.

 

I think it's especially true for people who are slow to commit. You can't blame yourself for 'not feeling' a certain way for someone after x, y, z time, all you can do is try to be clear with where you are 'emotionally' and try not lead the other person on.

 

I posted something similiar in another thread, and that women don't shut their feelings off overnight. The problem some women have, is that they put too much into someone too soon and it ends up backfiring on her. Because by the time 'he is there emotionally', she's already checked out.

[Paxetlux]

I sent her a text message tonight, saying "Im sorry for the nasty words I said, I was hurt and irrational, i wish you the best in life, take care of yourself"

 

She replied

 

"it's ok, thanks i understand, im sending your stuff, shoul dbe there in a few days"

 

 

I'm going to let her know clear as day that I dont want to lose her, and after that nothing I can do.

[Paxetlux]

"I hate how our hearts have to part, I just want to let you know for our love

to end is not what I wanted, but I must respect your decision, I pulled the

trigger, and now I'm trying to take the bullet back.. at the touch of love

everyone becomes a poet.. And this is a side of me I have not seen in so

long..the sun will rise tomorrow and I will smile at it.. But I hate that we

have to let everything we built go.. Thank you for being there for me through

thick and thin I would not have got through it with such grace without you by my

side, thank you for showing me such love may still exist out there and

instilling hope in me about love. You brought me back to life, I appreciate

that.. I know I'm rambling but letting you know how I felt is is just necessary

so my soul can rest..Goodbye sweet, sweet love, goodbye. Don't you EVER let

anyone mistreat you

 

Is what I said, oh well. now I go NC

[Paxetlux]

Well, my little poetic rant paid off I suppose, She told me "you are the best thing that has ever happened to me"

 

We talked about memories together, and tomorrow we're going to get coffee..

 

We'll see.... how it goes.. any advice?

[crashvector]

Well, my little poetic rant paid off I suppose, She told me "you are the best thing that has ever happened to me"

 

We talked about memories together, and tomorrow we're going to get coffee..

 

We'll see.... how it goes.. any advice?

 

dont go overboard.

[fixing]

You must try to appear confident and happy. If you turn up looking the way you feel it will make it very awkward and she will find it unattractive. So, be prepared for her to say anything they may hurt, and listen carefully to her.

[Paxetlux]

I'm going to take her to eat at this place she always wanted to go to, but i was too ****ty to go to, lol I have her christmas presents still.....

 

I'm going to just be smooth, not even mention us or the break up

[Bluem]

I see a few problems here:

 

1. You don't really trust this girl.

 

2. You're insecure and this shines through how you depict her and the other dudes she could be with. You spent a major amount of your post trying to put her down and making it seem like you were the "accepting" one - she's airy, shady, bitchy (on her period?), etc. This dude she was talking to "has a car" and stuff you don't. People always tell you how great you are but you can't manage to get out of bed? Obviously you're not seeing your potential.

 

3. Even if you don't trust her, and you feel hurt, that's no bounds to be threaten her with "forgetting her" and "karma". This will just push someone away from you.

 

4. I think you should be single for awhile for a number of reasons. For one, you don't have the time to be with someone. The money thing is also kind of a factor if you're with someone who lives far enough away that you'd have to pay for transportation. You should work on feeling better about yourself - this girl does not represent anything. Just because she was "attached to your hip" and then left doesn't say anything about you, it says something about her. You're feeling "paranoid" and obviously jealous - you should work on these issues before you start a relationship.

 

Forget about this girl and work on you. Don't swear off women, I think you just chose someone it was hard to work it out with given all the parameters, and I'm not sure you're ready to date if you have all these doubts. Make yourself happy first.

 

Also, it's natural to be upset after a break up. Don't take that as a sign that you have to wallow around - you can be upset and still do things. You're obviously a passionate guy about your work so you should focus your energy on that.

[Paxetlux]

I took her to this real nice italian place, we laughed and i told her how I felt and she cried, it was nice... and then she always was mad at me cuz i never slow danced with her at this wedding once... so I made her pull off into this park, and surprised her with a CD of sinatra, and we got out and we slow danced a bunch of songs, kissed a little.. in front of traffic, it was romantic...and I gave her the gifts id gotten her for christmas and she was really taken back, but she still felt cold and kinda distant.. waiting for the train home she said she still "didnt know" and i had so many chances, and she is enjoying trying to put her life together and how she spent every free moment she had coming to see me, and I told her i'd change and id come see her, and that I love her with all my heart and see us going the distance... so on the train platform, I grabbed her and said.. one last kiss? and the kiss was magical bro I kissed her soo hard a few times, and then I walked away like a movie and turned around and blew her a kiss. and then the train doors closed and she watched me go... then texted me "i didnt thank you for dinner.." and she loves me and will always care for me, and i told her if thats true then trust me and try again.. I also told her my fear is shell end up in a relationship again before she realizes and then it will be too late, I told her i love you but i wont be on the backburner.. just think.. all that glitters is not gold..

 

I danced to "the way you look tonight" by sinatra and told her it was the song i always envisioned dancing with my wife too

 

It was really sweet... i'm going to hang around for a little while, but why is it so hard for me accept the fact that I may actually have to live without her? I feel like she was the literal one, I'd take a bullet for her.

[Paxetlux]

Well she's been keeping the lines of communication open with me, sort of bland irrelevant things, but she's the type of girl who listens then speaks, I'm more of the talker..

 

Maybe she is just so hurt she needs time to come around and me to prove I won't let her down again

[nes9]

Sounds to me like you pulled the trigger and now you're trying to take the bullet back.

 

23 isnt young. I married my wife when I was 24.

 

I think a poster above nailed it: Dont threaten to end a relationship unless you actually WANT to end it.

 

If you are under 30 I feel like you are still young. I am 26 with 2.5 years of school on a medical campus left. I get the feeling I have a lot of searching and dating ahead of me before I meet a woman compatible enough to marry.

 

But I suppose everyone has their opinions on what a "young" or "old" age to get married is.

[Paxetlux]

She had her wisdom tooth removed yesterday, so I arranged to send her a get well bear, cheesy but.. I want to show her more with action, that im here.. im not all just talk..

 

Then she called me and here's how it went..

 

she was real cordial like we talked and nonchalant, and i invited her to see a movie this weekend and she was like "i dont know" and then i was like well what is it sam? I cant keep doing these i dont knows, I love u and i want to experience life with you, i was like do you want to see other people?" is that it?" she wasl ike i just dont want to do the distance and spending all my spare time to see you" I was like well ill change and ill come see you, id like the chance for you to see the change" she was still all like "i dont knows" i told her my fear was we'd end up in rebound relationships before she realized and than it will be a tangled mess" she said she dosent know how she feels she knows she "loves" me but just "i dont know" i was like ok, well think on it sam,, I love you, "i love you too" goodbye.

 

 

I texted her some minutes later and told her I feel like you treat me like a stranger, what is with all these I dont knows, did you find somebody closer to you? I don't know.. Is what we had not worth fighting for? . I'll say no more about this though.

[Paxetlux]

I really don't know what to do or how to interpret this ****.. but it's killing me.

[hudson701]

You need to lay off a bit your scaring her. Go NC for a while let her come to you. You're so close now don't screw it up.

 

"All good things come to those who wait"

 

Try NC for a week I bet she'll contact you...

[Paxetlux]

I know she'll probably text me tonight, but irrelevant stuff, what do I say about that stuff?

 

Like I feel as if im fighting for her affections between me and a guy who lives closer,

 

I've done all I can do, i just feel so guilty i didnt do it back when I should have.

 

Should I answer her when she texts me, but not go into it.

 

then just wait for her? I don't want to be a back burner guy though...

[na49]

You need to lay off a bit your scaring her. Go NC for a while let her come to you. You're so close now don't screw it up.

 

"All good things come to those who wait"

 

Try NC for a week I bet she'll contact you...

 

I agree. You're coming off pretty desperate and annoying. She knows how to contact you, and if she wants to, she will. Those "I don't knows" are "I don't know how to tell you I don't want to be with you anymore" at least that's what they sound like to me. What does she "not know" about exactly? She either has you, or she doesn't. At this pace it sounds like you may end up in the friend zone. How do you feel about that?

 

IF she texts you. Post about it here before responding. You're doing your best. but it may not be enough. No matter how much we love someone, we can't make them love us the same way. I understand you really want this to work with her, but it takes two people for a relationship to work. She may not want you as much as you want her.

[Paxetlux]

Her I don't knows stem from the "distance" she is "enjoying getting her life together, and when i was with you I spent all my spare time coming to see you and would be ignored, I was feeling like sometimes the things that were important to me were no big deal to you, she wants to get life on track"

 

:I still love you, I know I love you.. I just dont know"

 

Either, i'm a fool whos dumb to realize there is someone closer, which at first she told me there wasnt.. orr she's "fed up" and her guard is up and dosent want to trust me anymore.

 

I assured her I'd like the chance to show her the change, and i'd come see her for awhile until life was more balanced..

[Paxetlux]

Just dunno how someone who was attached at the hip can do a complete one 180, and doesn't love just.. not quit? Why give up now? When i'm obviously showing the effort and change because I care that much about you, if you "love" wont you trust me again to give another chance?

 

Aye carumba, I swore to god I'd never be here again after my last break up.. yet here I am..

 

Now I find myself starting to feel indifferent because of her attitude towards me

[na49]

Just dunno how someone who was attached at the hip can do a complete one 180, and doesn't love just.. not quit? Why give up now? When i'm obviously showing the effort and change because I care that much about you, if you "love" wont you trust me again to give another chance?

 

Aye carumba, I swore to god I'd never be here again after my last break up.. yet here I am..

 

Now I find myself starting to feel indifferent because of her attitude towards me

 

I know how you feel dude. You're making out telling each other you love each other one day. The next day, she's gone and you're stuck crying your eyes out feeling depressed as hell.

 

You are showing the effort, it may not be enough for her though. So what do you do? Try more? Well wait. You don't want to come off as desperate and push her further away do you? Just because she loves you, does't mean she wants to be with you. A lot of people seem to think this, I used to think it but I've lived on this website long enough so I picked up a few things.

 

It seems to me that she really has no idea what she wants. She definitely doesn't want you right now though. So give her time. You keep going NC and break it. Well here's an idea. Stay NC! Let her miss you! She can't miss you if you never disappear from her life. If she loves you as much as you think she does, she won't never contact you again. When she does, post here and think before responding.