toolforgrowth Posted January 5, 2013 Posted January 5, 2013 This is my first post here and I'm hoping for some advice. My ex wife left me in January of last year. She had an affair while we were separated, before divorce was filed. We had a tumultuous divorce, but I pushed it through rather quickly in light of what happened. During that time I reconnected with a woman I knew when I was in high school 14 years ago. We reconnected on Facebook. She had come onto me many years ago but I had a girlfriend at the time and didn't reciprocate, even though I wanted to. She moved to another city, I went to college, and we fell out of contact until April of '12, after my XW filed divorce. We started talking online in April, and had our first date on May 31. We're both 33. The beginning of our relationship was ecstatic. We were like young lovers, we couldn't get enough of each other. The chemistry was instantaneous. I knew she had cystic fibrosis when we started dating, she made that no secret. But after 7 months of dating, I still have yet to see her sick. She hasn't met my family yet, and she hasn't stayed the night with me yet. She says she gets sick in the middle of the night and isn't ready for me to see it yet. While I understand where she's coming from, I'm also entirely perplexed. She says I'm perfect for her, and that she loves me more than anyone, and that no other man could ever make her happy again, even if we broke up. Yet she keeps me at arm's length and won't do even basic relationship things with me, such as sleeping over or meeting my family after dating over half a year. My XW never truly opened up to me and kept me at arm's length our entire relationship as well, so this hits too close to comfort. She had a very bad childhood because of her CF. People told her some pretty...horrible things. She was never able to get over it. She hides it from everyone. I told her that I want to prove that they were wrong, and that I love her because of her CF. She's always been a fighter; she's strong, and never gives up, even if her body fails her sometimes. She does everything she can to keep herself as healthy as possible, and refuses to become a statistic. And I admire the hell out of her for it. But at the same time, it's becoming a detriment to our relationship. She's very afraid to take any step. She won't sleep over. She won't meet my family. She's so worried about what other people think of her. And while I do understand that, I've tried to tell her many times that my family doesn't care and will accept her exactly as she is. This is becoming a serious point of contention between us now. Tensions are rising between us and we're starting to fight a lot more often over it. I don't want to push her, but I feel rejected because she won't open up. She always says she wants to stay, but never does. She always leaves. And it reminds me of when my XW left. I don't know if I should be patient and stick it out, or if I should cut my losses now. I feel like the magic is leaving our relationship now. I don't feel the same when I'm around her as I did before, because I know that everything is on her timetable. I care for her so much, but even after 7 months barely anything has progressed in our relationship. She moves so slowly, and while I do think caution is good, I'm not okay with sitting stagnant. She tells me that "someday" she'll open up to me, but doesn't know when "someday" will be. I've never dated a woman with a disease before and I don't know what to do. Am I being unreasonable? All I want is to hold my girlfriend in my arms, make love and fall asleep in each other's arms and wake up together the next day. If she gets sick in the night I'll give her her space...but she doesn't even want me to hear it. I'm very torn and not sure what to do. She gets angry and says I don't understand...and I suppose I don't. I don't have a disease. But I feel like she intentionally keeps it as an obstacle in our path and doesn't want to move it. I've tried everything I could to show her she can trust me, but it does no good. I'm kind of at the point now where I feel like giving up, but I don't want to. I'm so torn.
TaraMaiden Posted January 5, 2013 Posted January 5, 2013 I don't know how to put this without sounding callous, but frankly, you need to put her CF aside and realise that it's a crutch, a front and an inhibiting factor, preventing your relationship from going further. You could call it anything else you wanted... Young children she's afraid of affecting, Religious grounds, Vaginismus fear of commitment... All of the above 'serve' the same purpose. if it wasn't this, it could be something else... They inhibit progress. This isn't going to change any time soon, is it? How long do you want to give it before you admit defeat and throw in the towel? 2
Author toolforgrowth Posted January 5, 2013 Author Posted January 5, 2013 It doesn't sound callous at all. You've just verbalized all my internal fears. Quite eloquently, I might add.
coffeebean201 Posted January 5, 2013 Posted January 5, 2013 Rather than looking at it as a disease, I would see it as a condition. And she is living with it. The not sleeping over and meeting your family, could maybe be eased by you getting her a promise ring? Not an engagement ring, but a promise ring. She is shy about showing you the "ugly" of her condition. So read up on it, try to figure out what that "ugly" is and whether you are willing to deal with it, and if you are, see about moving it to the next step. Obviously your feelings are hurt and you were/are serious about her. I don't know if she feels the same way about you. Here is the question for her: what is her best friend: the disease or you?
Author toolforgrowth Posted January 6, 2013 Author Posted January 6, 2013 I would agree, Coffeebean, that she is shy about showing me the ugly side of her condition. You definitely got that right. And again, I don't blame her for being shy about that. I know what the ugly is. Right now, her lungs are bleeding. Between midnight and 3 AM, she wakes up and coughs. Sometimes until she throws up. And she coughs up blood while she's doing it. Her lungs are essentially degrading...that's what CF does. Along with her other organs. She says her internal organs are roughly those of a 100 year old. I think there's a degree of hyperbole going on with that, but she is not like normal healthy 33 year old women in that regard. Plus she has other health issues going on that complicate things. I know I'm willing to deal with it. I'm willing to deal with it all, because she tells me what's going on. She simply won't let me experience it with her or help her in any way. She says once she's ready to let me see it she won't have any reason to hide it from me, but that's bull. She hides it from her daughter and her family as much as she can even to this day, along with her DOCTORS. I don't place much faith in that. She says she's serious about me but her actions say another. I don't know what her best friend is. She says I'm her best friend, but again, her actions say another. I WANT to move things to the next step but she is afraid to do so. We had a big argument last night and I told her exactly how I feel. I said I want to be there for her and that I want to prove those people from her past wrong, and that I love her BECAUSE of her CF....it's made her who she is and I love who she is because of it (her strength, her tenacity, etc). But I also told her flat out that I'm not okay with being pushed away. And that if she loves me and we're that good together, shouldn't our love be able to overcome her condition and her fears? Shouldn't that be more powerful? I told her that dating her is difficult because of her CF but that I want to keep trying and to work things out. She said I've given her a lot to think about. But I do feel as though I'm at my breaking point. If she chooses to not open up to me, it'll be the death of our relationship. Yes, I'm serious about her. But if she's not serious about me, or about letting go of her fears and really trusting me, then there's nothing I can do and just like with my XW I AM willing to walk away. She says I'm perfect for her. Well if she doesn't want to open up with me, then she can be alone with her condition. That sounds harsh, but it's honestly how I feel. I'm willing to be there for her and be a part of her life, but she has to be willing to be a part of mine. And if she's not willing, then she can face the consequences of that alone and I can move on without her. 1
mortensorchid Posted January 6, 2013 Posted January 6, 2013 My cousin has CF, I've seen him in some bad situations over the years. I think my best suggestion is to seek professional help on this if you really care about her and staying in the situation. You must have said to her at some point that her sickness is not what appeals to you about her. She is obviously uncomfortable with showing a bad side of herself if you say she gets sick at night. None of us are perfect, assure her, but it's ok with you that she has this sickness. As there is no cure for it (as it's genetic), she is stuck with this for life. Tell her that the sickness does not make her her, she is what makes her her.
Eternal Sunshine Posted January 6, 2013 Posted January 6, 2013 If you truly care about her, be patient and stay with her. It is incredibly difficult to open up to being rejected for being sick, which is what she fears. She is afraid that you will lose sexual attraction to her, that you will find it's all to much to handle, that she will be a burden to you. Even though you reassure her that you won't, she thinks you only feel that way until you see how bad it truly is. More than likely, men have left her in the past because they couldn't deal - otherwise she would not have so much fear built up. If you continue to be there for her, she WILL open up in time. It's hard to say how much time because it will be according to her schedule and what she is comfortable with. You have the right to decide it's all too much for you right now and leave. It's fair enough. Just don't think of her as selfish, she is carrying this huge burden and more than likely feels she is making this huge sacrifice for you, by only sharing good parts of her life. She probably feels she is giving you all she has and protecting you from reality...which is anything but selfish in her mind.
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