kdobbs Posted January 5, 2013 Posted January 5, 2013 A short one guys, but I just want to know if this is a good idea. My girlfriend got really drunk and apparently kissed a guy at a bar a while back. I found out this guy didn't know she had a boyfriend until after the kiss happened. I know my girlfriend didn't go back to this guys place, but still I think I could get some serious clarity from this guy if I message him. Do you think the guy will be respectful to fill me in on what happened without going and talking to my girlfriend? As long as I ask him respectfully appreciating to an extent he was unaware? Thanks guys
sweetkiwi Posted January 5, 2013 Posted January 5, 2013 So you think this random guy will be more honest than your girlfriend? How did you find out about the kiss? Her or someone else?
road Posted January 5, 2013 Posted January 5, 2013 In general contacting the OM will only result in the lying by embellishing things to inflict pain or to lie denying or minimizing the truth because he does not want anyone coming after him. You are young, not married, so my best advice will be move on and find a new girl friend.
Author kdobbs Posted January 5, 2013 Author Posted January 5, 2013 I don't feel proud about this, but we were having massive problems at the time and I saw a message she sent the guy.. Basically saying "she felt pretty guilty about what happen when she woke in the morning and that she had an on off boyfriend and said she hoped he had a good night" I think the message sounds really fishy if I am honest... This is actually how I found, she wasn't going to tell me... It happened months ago and we have been happy a while now but I hate not knowing for definite what happened..
Author kdobbs Posted January 5, 2013 Author Posted January 5, 2013 I'm past hurt now to be honest, but I really, really want to know what happened. So I can walk away with no regrets, not questioning if she did or didn't do this what...
veggirl Posted January 5, 2013 Posted January 5, 2013 Don't bother contacting him. He'll either tell you to fk off or you'll never know if what he is saying is true anyway. Plus if you contact him, he will tell your gf and they will bond over your anger. 1
Author kdobbs Posted January 5, 2013 Author Posted January 5, 2013 You are right, I didn't really give my girlfriend a chance to explain, I found out pretty much as soon as I came into a contact again. Like I said, my girlfriend was having a really hard time, but that's irrelevant, cheating is unacceptable. We have been really good ever since, and I have told my close friends and they all believe she has made a massive mistake. It was a drunken kiss, and as I say, I know she definitely, 100% stayed at her friends because I am good friends with her friend and her friend wasn't out with her. We did end it for awhile, but got back together because we were just unhappy without each other. I am happy, but curious about it really.
sweetkiwi Posted January 5, 2013 Posted January 5, 2013 If this is just a morbid curiosity and youre "happy" then how can you justify talking to the guy and not going to your girlfriend to clear things up??? Either you believe the story or you dont. But make a choice. Ask her directly or ignore it. I would ask her. If she is understanding and wants to help you get over it, that's a good sign. If she's pissed that you need clarification, she is not very empathetic and not worth your time IMO.
Author kdobbs Posted January 5, 2013 Author Posted January 5, 2013 You are right, at the end of the day, I am happy. She has clarified it too me before, and I was satisfied. I think it's just because I have spent the last couple of days reading about relationships and the lark, so, soo many people say that girls always do it again, or its never just a kiss, once a cheater... Etc I think it's just made a little paranoid.
Later82012 Posted January 5, 2013 Posted January 5, 2013 (edited) Personally, I would and I did and he turned out to be a little more honorable than I expected though I had to grill him a little bit and he couldn't take it anymore. It took me 5 minutes to get it out of him although he tried to bluff. Probably knowing me he was a little scared or maybe he had some conscience still left in him. You have nothing more to lose. Start looking for a new girlfriend. Edited January 5, 2013 by Later82012 1
Later82012 Posted January 5, 2013 Posted January 5, 2013 Don't bother contacting him. He'll either tell you to fk off or you'll never know if what he is saying is true anyway. Plus if you contact him, he will tell your gf and they will bond over your anger. Good for them. Is it really a loss? 1
veggirl Posted January 5, 2013 Posted January 5, 2013 Good for them. Is it really a loss? I agree with you but he seems pretty hellbent on staying with the girl.
road Posted January 5, 2013 Posted January 5, 2013 I'm past hurt now to be honest, but I really, really want to know what happened. So I can walk away with no regrets, not questioning if she did or didn't do this what... How is knowing how you GF and the OM banged their brains out necessary to for you to dump her? You are young, not married, do not have 20 years relationship to save, no kids, she cheated there is no more work to be done here. Move on. 3
Michael Johnson Posted January 5, 2013 Posted January 5, 2013 If this is just a morbid curiosity and youre "happy" then how can you justify talking to the guy and not going to your girlfriend to clear things up??? He doesn't have to justify anything in regards to his method of coping with the situation. Obviously if his gf is wild enough to get drunk and lock lips with other men, only relying on her word is probably not beneficial to him. Either you believe the story or you dont. But make a choice. Ask her directly or ignore it. He doesn't have to ignore anything. If he wants to ask the loser what happened at his own risk then that is his choice. Personally kdobbs I wouldn't bother talking to the guy. He'll probably act like an ******* or lie to you. If I were you I'd dump her as she's shown she's not trustworthy. 2
Author kdobbs Posted January 5, 2013 Author Posted January 5, 2013 I've been with this girl for 4 years, first relationship.. I do love her to pieces and she was going through a bad time when all this happened, we were kinda on a break, but I know that I can not excuse what she did. As happy as I am about everything though, the cheating still comes across my mind from time to time. Even if it was just a kiss. I think I will talk to her about and we can see where we go from there, Kiwi has a point.. If she is serious about us then surely she will want to be apathetic and work through it, take responcibility. if she gets angry and starts blaming me, I will know no matter how hard it is, it's just not going to work. I appreciate the posts. Thanks
road Posted January 6, 2013 Posted January 6, 2013 Sorry but I can't agree more with Road on this... if she cheats on you now... then imagine when you are in a ltr with her.... Your reading comprehension is off. Because if you disagree with me you: a) don't know what done means, b) you think they should stay together, c) both a & b.
TobyBoy Posted January 6, 2013 Posted January 6, 2013 Get her phone and text this to the other guy "I can't stop thinking about that night....you?" Then wait for him to respond.
umirano Posted January 7, 2013 Posted January 7, 2013 Get her phone and text this to the other guy "I can't stop thinking about that night....you?" Then wait for him to respond. Pathetic. OP, you love that girl, right? You were together for four years. Dumping her over a drunk kiss? Ridiculous. She admitted it and is sorry for it. Same thing happened to my brother. Not so long ago he explained to me why he forgave her. First off, he didn't go crazy. She told him as soon as she got home. He wasn't pleased at all, but stayed calm. After her confession he went to think... and came back to her and told her: Look, I assume it's a one time mistake. You learned yourself. There won't be a second time, you will be dumped immediately. Other than that, we are great together, you have no feelings for the guy. Nothing is in our way. A few days later, she made a big surprise for him, with lots of gifts and sweet things, to apologize. People make mistake. You can forgive her without sacrificing much. What are you to lose? If she does it again, you will find out and you will have plenty of opportunity to dump her. But don't forget the upside risk. You are happy with her, she's a great girl. Why not give her a second chance? There may be a time where you need her to give you a second chance! And that's way easier if you proved to her that you can do that. Best of luck!
Sircrax Posted January 7, 2013 Posted January 7, 2013 (edited) It's a clever idea. No doubt. But it can come back to bite you in a multitude of ways. If your girl finds out about yout underhanded tactics, however seemingly justified, she'll be rightly miffed. It could cause irreparable damage. Like snooping, it's something I only recommend if you've already given up on the idea of trusting her, and by extension, forsaken te relationship itself. Only do it if you need an airtight reason to break up with her (e.g. You plan to divorce her and need proof of infidelity in order to avoid being screwed by the legal system. For example, it's ok for an oil tycoon to hire a PI to catch his straying wife in the act in order to preserve his estate.) This doesn't seem to be the case here. Snooping, and texting other guys to allay/confirm your suspicions is a fool's errand. It's pathetic, albeit tempting, and it's a vicious circle of distrust, misery and paranoia. Tread lightly. Edited January 7, 2013 by Sircrax
umirano Posted January 7, 2013 Posted January 7, 2013 The question is... what if it wasn't just a drunken kiss??? What if she slept with him? Then she's a liar. By the way being unfaithful is not a mistake... it is a voluntary act of treason to the one who loves you... Maybe, maybe not. I was just telling how my brother reacted. Not sure I'd have done the same thing. It really depends. If a mature, professional 35 yo does it, it is different from when a 17 year old girl still in lala-land does it. It's not the same if a woman does it who hardly ever gets drunk but wen through a really rough spot and just was completely out of it one night or if it's a party girl who makes this a life style. All I know is that the OP is deeply in love with her, she confessed it, regrets it and seems not to have a history of doing it. Now it's his decision whether he's ready to accept this little pain and give her and that good relationship another chance or whether he wants to dump her over something seemingly small and irrelevant. How do a few kisses while intoxicated translate to the relationship having no basis at all anymore? Especially when there's the outlook of her really having learned an important lesson? Not my call, but I guess I could overlook it in the circumstances the OP described and mentioned so far. But I agree, no one likes to get played, and you haven't agreed to an open relationship. So, set clear boundaries and let her know you did. good luck!
road Posted January 7, 2013 Posted January 7, 2013 First, she didn't confess... he found out checking her mobile phone.. so chances that she just minimized what happened are big. Second kissing someone else is cheating, I would agree that is not the worse that can happen but it is still a bad signal and trust can suffer a big hit if that happens (conceding to the idea that it was just a kiss)... The problem here is that OP doubt it was just a kiss.. and you should always follow your gut feelings... That is why he needs to polygraph her. The gut is never wrong.
Author kdobbs Posted January 7, 2013 Author Posted January 7, 2013 I know 100% she stayed at her friends after the night out. Apparently she returned at a quite reasonable time, so yea. She was out with a couple of girl friends who I have never meet, so I assume they are the only ones who know the absolute truth of what happened. But evidence is leaning more towards that it was what it was, a kiss. I think I do need to chill a bit and just not be so paranoid... I mean I don't particularly want to throw a good relationship away over a mistake she made whilst paralytic. Like Road said though.. I still ponder about it, if I still find I am after time then maybe it's for the best I do get shot of it. I'm not gunna live a life with doubt.
umirano Posted January 10, 2013 Posted January 10, 2013 meandmyself, right, she didn't confess. I meant 'admitted it'. Polygraphs are worthless and not a reliable tool to find truth. Polygraph - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia OP, good approach in your last post. That's how I'd go about it. Unfortunately that's life. We will always be faced with some uncertainty. And we'll live.
road Posted January 10, 2013 Posted January 10, 2013 meandmyself, right, she didn't confess. I meant 'admitted it'. Polygraphs are worthless and not a reliable tool to find truth. Polygraph - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia OP, good approach in your last post. That's how I'd go about it. Unfortunately that's life. We will always be faced with some uncertainty. And we'll live. Polygraphs are accurate enough for employers to screen interviewees. Polygraphs are good enough to get the truth from a WW. What happens is the BH schedules the test, tells the WW the date, as the date approaches your WW as all WW will admit to more without prompting. This is done in the hope to get the BH to cancel the test. Don't, tell WW test is still on.
umirano Posted January 10, 2013 Posted January 10, 2013 Polygraphs are accurate enough for employers to screen interviewees. Yeah, employers who have no idea what they're doing. Read the article I referenced, and the sources referenced therein. I understand that in the US it is a very famous thing to do. Unfortunately the raw numbers don't look that good for polygraphs. Polygraphs are good enough to get the truth from a WW. What happens is the BH schedules the test, tells the WW the date, as the date approaches your WW as all WW will admit to more without prompting. This is done in the hope to get the BH to cancel the test. Don't, tell WW test is still on. Manipulation yields the result here. Not the polygraph. Small but important difference.
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