amber33 Posted January 5, 2013 Posted January 5, 2013 (edited) So, I've been dating my guy for a little over 5 months now, and as far as I could tell, everything was going great. Until lately. I just feel like my boyfriend doesn't want to hang out with me anymore. Here's the deal. On December 23rd, we hung out, exchanged Christmas gifts with each other, and finally said I love you for the first time. Then, we didn't hang out for about a week, so I asked him to hang out and he said he would call me later in the evening. He never called. I got kind of upset, but I didn't say anything to him about it. The next day, I sent him a text and stupidly apologized for not calling him (even though he was supposed to call me) and I asked him to hang out that evening. Then, that evening came and he asked me if I would mind hanging out with one of his friends too, because he was getting ready to leave for school the next day and my boyfriend wanted to see him before he left. I had just worked until 4am the night before, so I was tired and I honestly just wanted to cuddle with him, I didn't really feel like hanging out with his friend. So I told him that I was tired and I didn't want to mess up his plans by making him leave early, so I told him to just go ahead and hang out with his friend and then call me afterwards. I told him ahead of time that if I fell asleep before I heard from him that we would just hang out the next day. Of course, I fell asleep, so we hung out the next day. When we finally hung out, we got something to eat and drove around for a little while, so we just hung out for about two hours because it was getting late and he works pretty early. I was bummed when I got home because I felt like I barely even got to see him. So I waited a day, and then I asked him what he was up to last night. He told me he was going to a local hockey game with a friend. I asked him if he wanted to hang out afterwards an he said "yeah, sure". So I stayed up as late as I could last night and fell asleep waiting for his call. I woke up this morning to no missed call or text, and I instantly started crying. In the past two weeks, we've only seen each other for two hours, all of which was spent eating and driving. I just feel like he doesn't care to hang out with me anymore or something. This is like the 3rd time something like this has happened where he's either forgotten our plans or is blatantly ignoring them or something. I kind of want to talk to him about it, but I have no idea what to even say to him. All morning, I have been sitting here wanting to ask him what the hell happened to him last night, but I can't bring myself to do it because part of me feels like I should wait for him to contact me after what happened last night. I guess I'm just hoping he'll realize he forgot and apologize today. If he doesn't though, I feel like I need to talk about it with him because its really starting to hurt my feelings. Any advice on how to deal with this situation? Should I wait for him to contact me? Or should I contact him to have a talk about it? I would really appreciate your advice! Edited January 5, 2013 by amber33
veggirl Posted January 5, 2013 Posted January 5, 2013 how old are you guys? must be young since there is talk of school and stuff? He's probably pulling back because of the ILY thing. who said it first, you or him? how often do you normally hang out? I would absolutely bring it up if he made plans and then no-call no-showed! Don't be afraid to talk about your feelings and what you expect from a relationship. I would call him right now and ask what happened last night and that I expect him to notify me if he needs to cancel!
Casablanca Posted January 5, 2013 Posted January 5, 2013 Why do you have to exact same posts just with altered title?
Author amber33 Posted January 5, 2013 Author Posted January 5, 2013 I am 22 and he is 23. I meant school as in college, his friend goes out of state. I said I love you first, but he said it back with no hesitation and he seemed happy that we finally said it, even though his recent behavior doesnt really seem to agree. And we normally would hang out a few times a week, so these past couple have weeks have really felt weird for me. I just feel like he doesn't really want to hang out or something. I do really want to call him, it's just hard to bring myself to do it because I really wish he'd just call me already. I dont know, maybe I will gather the courage to call him later. I hope so.
noble Posted January 5, 2013 Posted January 5, 2013 Do not call him!!! He's definitely acting weird and blowin you off. You said you guys normally hang out a few times a week, and then only 2 hours over the last few weeks? That's ridiculous. You should NOT call him, because if he is trying to distance himself it will only annoy him and push him further away. You should just ignore him for a few days and act like you don't care. If i had to guess I would say you telling him you loved him has freaked him out, and now he's retreating. But calling/texting him you're basically chasing him. plus, he wanted to invite his friend to hang out with you guys.. basically suggesting to me that he wants to hang out in a situation where you can't get too close. I know you're probably really upset, and I understand , but the best thing to do in this situation is to NOT call OR text and just wait til/if he contacts you. If he doesn't contact you then he's a jerk anyways and you'd be better off in the long run
Author amber33 Posted January 5, 2013 Author Posted January 5, 2013 I honestly don't think I am going to call him. I wanted to, but after thinking for a while, I realize that I am still a little too upset about it to even strike up that conversation with him right now. I also feel like I deserve an apology and i shouldn't have to initiate that conversation. In the meantime, waiting for him to call is driving me mad though. The more time that goes by, the less I feel like he cares.
Alia_alia Posted January 5, 2013 Posted January 5, 2013 I don't see the big deal. Some weeks people are more busy than others. Just don't call him no matter what and start doing fun stuff without him. He is either: - taking you for granted since you told him you love him - distancing himself cuz he feels a bit overwhelmed - playing some kind of game to keep control of the relationship In all cases you shouldn't call him, nor be upset at him, just go on with your life normally.
Author amber33 Posted January 5, 2013 Author Posted January 5, 2013 I don't see how you don't get why I'm upset. He's been blowing me off after making plans with me. He isn't busy or he wouldn't have made the plans. And even if he was busy, I would expect to be told that he can't make it, rather than not hearing from him at all. You would think that someone who loves you and cares about you wouldn't leave you waiting like that.
Alia_alia Posted January 5, 2013 Posted January 5, 2013 I don't see how you don't get why I'm upset. He's been blowing me off after making plans with me. He isn't busy or he wouldn't have made the plans. And even if he was busy, I would expect to be told that he can't make it, rather than not hearing from him at all. You would think that someone who loves you and cares about you wouldn't leave you waiting like that. But he did. You can either - suck it up, not care too much and make him want you more. - become an emotional mess, get clingy and hurt and your ego will feel better but he definitely will get turned off. - break up with him and draw a line.
veggirl Posted January 5, 2013 Posted January 5, 2013 I think its weird that you are like scared to call him. I'm not saying call him and ask if he wants to hang out, call and ask wtf his deal is! 1
Treasa Posted January 5, 2013 Posted January 5, 2013 I agree with not calling him. If you call him, he might see it as nagging and either pull back further or not give you an answer. Just go about your life and ignore him. If he contacts you, go ahead and briefly ask him what his deal is. Make sure to let him know that you won't tolerate that kind of behavior..without nagging.
umirano Posted January 5, 2013 Posted January 5, 2013 Do you still love / need him? -> Confront him immediately Do you wanna keep him around as an option? -> Don't call, try to regain power in the relationship. Do you feel like you could do easily without him soon? -> Break it off and go NC. Best
Ninjainpajamas Posted January 5, 2013 Posted January 5, 2013 The guy is not in love with you and he's becoming complacent with the relationship. I don't think he's very into you at this point in the relationship, I would question if he's always hanging out with a friend and if he is then he'd rather hang out with his friends than be with you. You're basically doing all the work and playing wounded puppy feeling sorry for yourself and just sitting by the phone like some old 80's song, but it's not going to get you anywhere, he's not just going to *snap* and realize how important and special you are then suddenly want to be around you all the time. You are experiencing the demise of your relationship....sorry, but he seems detached, uninterested, not very invested and over it. You feel all these things and see the reality but you keep telling yourself things are going to get better one day right? learn to speak up for yourself and communicate, if you just sit there like a cold fish you're just going to be used at his convenience and likely the same with the next guy and maybe even the next, and the next...so grow a backbone and speak up, or you're basically just a puppy on it's back. You've got to say how you feel and ask questions, not that it will save this relationship but at least you'll know the truth and can stop living in this world of unknowing and just hoping things will get better through faith, this isn't a religion, it's a relationship. 4
Treasa Posted January 6, 2013 Posted January 6, 2013 Actually, I changed my mind. Two out of the three most recent relationships I've had were with narcissists. They were horrible at communicating. Call him. If he blows you off, consider getting rid of him. 1
Author amber33 Posted January 7, 2013 Author Posted January 7, 2013 The guy is not in love with you and he's becoming complacent with the relationship. I don't think he's very into you at this point in the relationship, I would question if he's always hanging out with a friend and if he is then he'd rather hang out with his friends than be with you. You're basically doing all the work and playing wounded puppy feeling sorry for yourself and just sitting by the phone like some old 80's song, but it's not going to get you anywhere, he's not just going to *snap* and realize how important and special you are then suddenly want to be around you all the time. You are experiencing the demise of your relationship....sorry, but he seems detached, uninterested, not very invested and over it. You feel all these things and see the reality but you keep telling yourself things are going to get better one day right? learn to speak up for yourself and communicate, if you just sit there like a cold fish you're just going to be used at his convenience and likely the same with the next guy and maybe even the next, and the next...so grow a backbone and speak up, or you're basically just a puppy on it's back. You've got to say how you feel and ask questions, not that it will save this relationship but at least you'll know the truth and can stop living in this world of unknowing and just hoping things will get better through faith, this isn't a religion, it's a relationship. When I first read your comment, I honestly thought you were right, I started thinking that maybe my relationship was about to come to an end. I sat around moping for a little while until I realized that it didn't make as much sense as I thought. Our relationship was going a little too good for this to be the end of it. It just didn't make enough sense. So I called him, and I asked what happened to him the other day/told him it hurt my feelings a bit to have not heard from him. He apologized a few times and explained that he'd just had a few too many to drink at the game and passed out when he got home, and he felt really bad for not calling. He asked me to hang out this evening and even insisted that he pick me up even though I told him I didn't mind driving. Seeing him tonight went a lot better than what I had expected. He even said "I love you" first both of the times that it was said tonight. I think I can safely say that things are back to normal and I was probably overthinking the situation a little. I appreciate everyone's advice, I am just really glad I ultimately decided to call instead of waiting around.
Ninjainpajamas Posted January 7, 2013 Posted January 7, 2013 When I first read your comment, I honestly thought you were right, I started thinking that maybe my relationship was about to come to an end. I sat around moping for a little while until I realized that it didn't make as much sense as I thought. Our relationship was going a little too good for this to be the end of it. It just didn't make enough sense. So I called him, and I asked what happened to him the other day/told him it hurt my feelings a bit to have not heard from him. He apologized a few times and explained that he'd just had a few too many to drink at the game and passed out when he got home, and he felt really bad for not calling. He asked me to hang out this evening and even insisted that he pick me up even though I told him I didn't mind driving. Seeing him tonight went a lot better than what I had expected. He even said "I love you" first both of the times that it was said tonight. I think I can safely say that things are back to normal and I was probably overthinking the situation a little. I appreciate everyone's advice, I am just really glad I ultimately decided to call instead of waiting around. What a man does when you do not scold him or make him feel guilty/bad says more about how he feels than when you have to bring something to his attention and make it an issue. While positive that he reciprocated some stronger emotions after you expressed yourself to him, that's still rather typical. I'm sure a lot of women here can attest to expressing something then the man reciprocates back, even turning the heat on high for a while until things simmer back down..this process just essentially rinses and repeats. Women like to excuse their gut feelings and keen intuition by finding some temporary solution to overcoming them...this is essentially the bread crumbs theory, every time a man has to put in effort...he will, then left to his own emotions...after the moment has passed...seeps right back down into his old behavior. Do you see how you simplified and excused his behavior in on swoop? oh he was drunk that night and just wanted some sleep...now you got the breadcrumb you needed in order to continue on, as well as him turning on the juice for a few days making you feel settled for the moment. But while you may close your eyes for now and enjoy the moment, I know his behavior will ultimately go back to the way he was...and I expect you to deny that, but explain to me why he felt he didn't even need to see you for two weeks for only a few hours...and after the holidays...for only being with you 5 months, and you already feel like he doesn't want to see you or be around you and rather hang out with friends? Not to mention the I love you's coming out after five months, and then just all of a sudden during the holidays? of course he didn't feel pressured or obligated to reciprocate, but now that you mentioned it first he just decided he felt that way? yet oh well talk to you for a few hours over the holidays because that's how madly in love with you I am? I swear....it amazes me what women overlook, even when they had the answer in the palm of their hands, they knew the situation, they felt the distance, they felt that something wasn't right...but drop a penny in the piggy bank and everything is ok all over again...love sure is blind, if that's what you want to call it.
DontWorryBHappy Posted January 7, 2013 Posted January 7, 2013 I agree with Ninja. Why is it that he felt "really bad about not calling" but that he didn't CALL to tell you that? You had to call him and bring the whole thing up.. and by then, what else was he supposed to say? He got himself out of you being pissed at him for the moment.
Ruby Slippers Posted January 8, 2013 Posted January 8, 2013 I think it's clear he doesn't love you, only said it back to pacify you, and is pulling away because he's too much of a wimp to actually break up with you. Sorry You always bending on what you want is you being a pushover. Learn to respect yourself and stand up for what you want. You'll be much happier and get more out of your life once you do.
Alia_alia Posted January 8, 2013 Posted January 8, 2013 (edited) What is all this negative posts I see in this forum. Seems like noone wants to trust that people can actually love. He might be in love, he might not. Only time will tell. Also love isn't like an on and off switch. Sometimes it's like a wave where you're not sure if you wanna take a leap of faith and dive in. I say always take it : ). Just respect yourself in the process. You don't need to "stand up for what you want", but don't be afraid to "do you" as you would often here in stupid popular songs nowadays. And in the process you'll learn more about yourself and how to be a greater lover (and not only in bed ). And most of the people who have been in love before, have to be reclutant and dubious at every step (like the above posters) and try to keep their composure because they're afraid of getting hurt. With the right personality, everyone can fall in love with you (if they haven't already) so just keep seeing him without being too needy/naggy. Edited January 8, 2013 by Alia_alia
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