loveman1985 Posted January 5, 2013 Posted January 5, 2013 I wanted to get perspective on "trying times" during a relationship. My girlfriend Jessica and I (both 28) have been dating for about 4 years, and we still love each other. Sometimes we'll get into a fight, but it's OK: we'll be mad for a while and patch things up pretty soon. But my biggest worry, that I worry about rather often, is that we might not be right for each other in the long haul. It doesn't really occur to me when times are good, but when times get bad, I think about fundamental incompatibilities we currently have. Sometimes I think about being single, but I would never tell her this. Then when we get back on good footing, I don't think about it as much. However, it's still in the back of my mind: is she the one for me? Has this happend to you? I'm worried that I'm not breaking up with Jessica only because 90% is "good enough", and I'm just waiting here for her to add on crucial elements of her fundamental character (its very important to me to have an affectionate woman, but she's rather shy and distant). Whenever we fight, I'm always the bad guy and the guy who has to change. I don't have a problem with change and growing (I want a girl who pushes me to do that ALL the time) but it seems she seldom wants to grow with me. She's not growing with me, so I feel like we grow apart. Do I just have unrealistic expectations of how relationships should work, or has this happened to you and it tends to go away with time, where you both grow?
Scarlett5 Posted January 5, 2013 Posted January 5, 2013 This is a good question. How do you know whether you're just going through the normal ups and downs of a relationship...or aren't right for each other? I'd guess instinct is a pretty good indicator. I think the point you make about affection is not one to overlook - this could grow into something much more if affection is important to you. I know I would struggle with that one, as it's really important to me.
newmoon Posted January 5, 2013 Posted January 5, 2013 this is exactly me and my bf - we are 'basically' compatible and when the times are good i think it's got potential for the long-haul, but when it's bad, it's really bad and the thoughts that i can do better get in the way, and i think we're not a good match. i feel your dilemma, and would offer this... relationships are all very difficult, even the 'perfect' ones, you have to work hard to make things work. are you sacrificing anything moral or ethical during the fights? like, in order to patch things up are you going against things you firmly believe in (morally/ethically) just to get on firm ground again? if you're giving up a part of yourself or things you believe in to consistently patch things up then yeah, i'd say it won't work out long-term. but if it's just a matter or not seeing eye to eye then you have a better chance. look at your life/long term goals and determine if she truly fits with what you want. i would say that after 4 years if you still haven't moved the relationship along (engagement/living together) then she's likely not the one and you're just in a functional, caring relationship with a nice person
whichwayisup Posted January 5, 2013 Posted January 5, 2013 At 28 and seeing as how long you two have been together and the doubts you're having - Not great communication between you two, her not compromising, her always having to be right, you're wrong and you're the one who has to change, her not affectionate in the way you'd like her to be .. WILL ALL GET WORSE as time goes on. Talk to her and let her know your concerns and fears..Be honest. Either together you two will work through it, do couples counseling so things will get better or maybe it's time to really decide together if it's best to end it.
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