XKatieX Posted January 5, 2013 Posted January 5, 2013 Ok so my fiance of 6 years just said he was done 2 weeks ago because of the fighting. I had an enormous amount of guilt because I knew that the past three or four fights we had were because of me. I just felt like this time he really meant it. I felt like I had nothing to lose and nothing to gain. So at first I tell him I hope he finds someone, sorry I couldn't be the person he wanted. But then the guilt started sinking in, and I tried coming up with solutions and explanations, so I blew up his phone everyday, and sent him emails explaining myself. These were well-thought out, sincere text messages. Then I realized nothing I could do was going to matter, so I wrote him an email telling him I was letting him go because I knew it was over between us. But the guilt just won't go away, I know I pushed him away..and I hate feeling like it was my fault. So once again I blew up his phone and begged him to give me another chance. Then I asked for him to give me some closure, tell me how he felt etc. Everyday I can't stop justifying my actions to him through texts and emails. I wake up in the morning and I can just feel him fading from me and it's the worst pain, but this pain causes the temptation to come over me and pick up the phone to call him or message him. I've tried putting my phone away. The last thing I said to him was that I think I have been depressed, and that is why I took it out on you etc. The worst part of it all is even if he did ever want to give this another chance everyday, I don't even think he would because now he probably sees me as a crazy possessive person. I knew it was over, but I knew it was because of me and I hate myself for it everyday.
crashvector Posted January 5, 2013 Posted January 5, 2013 Ive said it a thousand times: You cannot love someone by holding them too tightly. It will NEVER last. You have to think of your partner like your would Play-Doh. If you squeeze too much or hold them too tightly, they will slip through your fingers. You have to love by holding them in the palm of your hand. they have to feel like they are with you because they WANT to be there, not because you try to control them or possess them. Doing that will only ENSURE they won't stay for long. You gotta think of your relationship with another person like a nest...not a prison. You have to give them room to spread their wings and grow. Try to imprison them, and all they will do is try to find a way to escape. 1
LostGirl11 Posted January 5, 2013 Posted January 5, 2013 Ok so my fiance of 6 years just said he was done 2 weeks ago because of the fighting. I had an enormous amount of guilt because I knew that the past three or four fights we had were because of me. I just felt like this time he really meant it. I felt like I had nothing to lose and nothing to gain. So at first I tell him I hope he finds someone, sorry I couldn't be the person he wanted. But then the guilt started sinking in, and I tried coming up with solutions and explanations, so I blew up his phone everyday, and sent him emails explaining myself. These were well-thought out, sincere text messages. Then I realized nothing I could do was going to matter, so I wrote him an email telling him I was letting him go because I knew it was over between us. But the guilt just won't go away, I know I pushed him away..and I hate feeling like it was my fault. So once again I blew up his phone and begged him to give me another chance. Then I asked for him to give me some closure, tell me how he felt etc. Everyday I can't stop justifying my actions to him through texts and emails. I wake up in the morning and I can just feel him fading from me and it's the worst pain, but this pain causes the temptation to come over me and pick up the phone to call him or message him. I've tried putting my phone away. The last thing I said to him was that I think I have been depressed, and that is why I took it out on you etc. The worst part of it all is even if he did ever want to give this another chance everyday, I don't even think he would because now he probably sees me as a crazy possessive person. I knew it was over, but I knew it was because of me and I hate myself for it everyday. I think you need to stop. You said that all of your texts/emails were well thought out, so there's no need to keep explaining, wording them differently or thinking up new things to say. I know it's hard, really I do. The mornings are the worst. The more you text/email the more you're going to think of new questions/explanations. Do your really think anything you say is going to change his mind? Has he replied at all?
Author XKatieX Posted January 5, 2013 Author Posted January 5, 2013 (edited) You're right, everytime I email him with thoughts, I come up with new ones and then the temptation to share them with him becomes almost impossible to fight off. It's like a way for me of trying to relieve guilt. And no I really don't, things were going downhill between us already, we were trying to work things out. But I think the final straw was when I told him not to come see me when he was planning on seeing me, because I was mad at him. I feel like I was just wasting his time. There's so many things I wish I could go back and do differently. But I've pushed him away for reasons sometimes I can't explain. Sometimes when you can't explain why you do or say something, it could really be due to stress/depression. I told him that I think I relied on him for my happiness because I was stressed. I also told him that sometimes I think I expected things to be perfect, expected too much out of him. This whole thing has caused me to lose confidence in myself. Edited January 5, 2013 by XKatieX
LostGirl11 Posted January 5, 2013 Posted January 5, 2013 You're right, everytime I email him with thoughts, I come up with new ones and then the temptation to share them with him becomes almost impossible to fight off. It's like a way for me of trying to relieve guilt. And no I really don't, things were going downhill between us already, we were trying to work things out. But I think the final straw was when I told him not to come see me when he was planning on seeing me, because I was mad at him. I feel like I was just wasting his time. There's so many things I wish I could go back and do differently. But I've pushed him away for reasons sometimes I can't explain. Sometimes when you can't explain why you do or say something, it could really be due to stress/depression. I told him that I think I relied on him for my happiness because I was stressed. I also told him that sometimes I think I expected things to be perfect, expected too much out of him. This whole thing has caused me to lose confidence in myself. You've blown up his phone, and your dignity, as have I, many times. Depression or not, you've explained to him. If he wanted you back just the one text/email would have been enough. I feel your pain.
Author XKatieX Posted January 5, 2013 Author Posted January 5, 2013 Ive said it a thousand times: You cannot love someone by holding them too tightly. It will NEVER last. You have to think of your partner like your would Play-Doh. If you squeeze too much or hold them too tightly, they will slip through your fingers. You have to love by holding them in the palm of your hand. they have to feel like they are with you because they WANT to be there, not because you try to control them or possess them. Doing that will only ENSURE they won't stay for long. You gotta think of your relationship with another person like a nest...not a prison. You have to give them room to spread their wings and grow. Try to imprison them, and all they will do is try to find a way to escape. You are so right. When he told me he was done, and I really thought he wasn't coming back, so my reaction was to hold on tighter. I don't know I guess I have a hard time accepting change, I always just try and fix it. I'm afraid that even if I do stop now (which I'm going to) I've already pushed him too far anyways. I feel like if it was mutual or if he would've given me respectful closure it would have been easier. That way I know things would have been left on a better note, even though it would still hurt.
crashvector Posted January 5, 2013 Posted January 5, 2013 You are so right. When he told me he was done, and I really thought he wasn't coming back my reaction was to hold on tighter. I don't know I guess I have a hard time accepting change, I always just try and fix it. I'm afraid that even if I do stop now (which I'm going to) I've already pushed him too far anyways. I feel like if it was mutual or if he would've given me respectful closure it would have been easier. That way I know things would have been left on a better note, even though it would still hurt. Look...I'll be honest...I find it EXTREMELY difficult to take my own advice. Still...its the right advice. For the both of us.
Author XKatieX Posted January 5, 2013 Author Posted January 5, 2013 Oh and the worst part I forgot to mention is I have dreams about him everynight, good and bad. Last night I had a dream he came back and worked things out with me and it REALLY screwed me up. I hope that the dreams will eventually go away, they are preventing me from healing.
boblet Posted January 6, 2013 Posted January 6, 2013 Ah I'm the same way, I feel so guilty for some of the things I've done contributing to our BU, I've sent him long messages just to be heard out, just so he knows I know I messed up at times but I was always sincere... but I think they just get tired of hearing justifications.. for me, it seemed as though he'd use my apologies etc. to justify his decision to break up even more. I'm not even sure if he bothered reading all of my messages I sent previously, I put so much thought into it and poured my heart and soul out, and he never responded.. so maybe it doesn't make sense sharing it with your ex because honestly they probably won't care. I feel as though I've learnt from those mistakes and arguments, and it hurts so bad knowing I've learnt my lesson and it's too late to save the relationship Crash is right about not holding on too tightly, I think I made that mistake when I realized where we were heading, it just made things worse. You should write everything down when you feel like talking to him. I know exactly what you feel though, I went through that as well, you should implement NC as soon as you could, the urges become more subdued after a while
crashvector Posted January 6, 2013 Posted January 6, 2013 Oh and the worst part I forgot to mention is I have dreams about him everynight, good and bad. Last night I had a dream he came back and worked things out with me and it REALLY screwed me up. I hope that the dreams will eventually go away, they are preventing me from healing. yeah...that's why Ive been afraid to sleep since this happened 8 days ago... I know what you mean...its not the BAD ones that hurt. Its the GOOD ones that tear our guts out.
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