My husband 6-month emotional affair or my marriage will soon end. Will he stay/leave?

August 18, 2004

Back few months ago I posted my thread to ask whether I should give my husband some time after his self-confession of a 2-month emotional affair. I decided to give him time to see if he knows what he is doing with her and now here we are 3 1/2 months later, things have evolved.

My husband did see her less often than before as promised, 2 evenings a weeks (never any overnights) and 3 lunches every week whenever she is working at the office that day. (So most of the time they are spending together are having diners, walks and lunches.) My husband has confirmed again to me that they have never any sex and I trust him, though I understand there has been moments of intimacy during their time together. In the past few months, I have been trying my best to work on what I fell short in the past 7 years - open communications, affection, softness and understanding. He has also spent more time with me to try to work things out. We have both realized that our relationship can be much better if we both really make the effort. Our relationship has improved a lot in the past few months even though he keep seeing the OW regularly. A few days ago, I asked him if he is ready to make a choice. He said no. He said loves the OW very much because he said that there is a deep bond with her. Even though he admits that I am now giving him the same thing as the OW gives him emotionally, but he said the problem is that he can't find any reasons between them to stop. He said he has never loved anyone else this way before, not even me, even though their relationship has only been over 6 month and purely emotional. He said he loves her very much, in a different way than loving me, and he said the OW loves him the same way in return. He said that he can see some future with her and it could be different.

The OW has hinted to him she will wait till October or he will have to lose her. Everyone is so sick of this triangle relationship and I agree that it should be the time for action. He said he will definitely come to an decision of who he will choose to stay because he realize it is hurting 2 women he loves.

He said to me he knows he is capable to leave me (both physically and emotionally and we have no kids), even though we had a long relationship but he has still not decided. He said to me the only thing that is keeping him staying is all the things I have done for him in the past months. He is very touched by my efforts and love and he is still considering to stay with me because he still loves me and is quite confident that we will make a better future. He said he would like to go with the OW initially because he loves her so much and may not be able to bear the pain of losing her. But he said he really wants to try, from now to October, to convince himself to stay with me because he said he knows how much I still love him. He said he is not here for obligations but because he may not be able to leave me because he still loves me after all the things I have done for him.

I don't know why but my instinct tells me that I am losing him. I feel somehow I have done everything I can and at times I am powerless and numb. What are my chances? Shall I wait till October as well or shall I do something now? (I am thinking about taking a 1-2 week break to put myself in a preparation mode but he urges me not to leave him until he makes a choice in October because he needs me here by his side to remind him of me) Do you think he loves me? Do you think he loves the OW? I would like to hear your advice and thoughts. Many thanks!

August 18, 2004

My advice to you is, don't wait for him to make up his mind. You make it up for him. He has told you he loves the OW and that they share a bond. Yes, I believe it is possible to love 2 people at once, however are you willing to accept that? I do not feel that is a life for you, or for anyone really. Seems to me you have been patient and understanding for long enough. This is continually going on, and I doubt he will make a choice between the both of you. Why should he, he feels something for you and the OW. He is having his cake and eating it too. I think its now up to you to make the choice for him. By you staying in this situation, you are allowing him to be able to do what he wants. That is, live with you and still be involved with the OW. You make the choice. Good luck.

PS. As a matter of fact, scratch what I said about making the choice for HIM, make it for YOU.

August 18, 2004

Didn't I read somewhere that if he was serious about fixing your marriage he needs to cut off ALL contact with the OW?

You are being a HUGE doormat.

Make the choice FOR HIM. Kick his arse to the curb, and get a lawyer. Find a man that doesn't drain your self esteem so much you're willing to put up with that sh*t. Someone who JUST LOVES YOU.

Let them have each other-you can do better.

PS-who buys shoes before trying them on? No sex is laughable. You "trust" the man that's having an "affair" on you......STILL.

This may be brutal, but snap out of it. I think you're letting him have his cake and eat it too. You are enabling him to continue. Kick him out of the house, until he's made his choice.

LAWYER.

August 18, 2004

I agree with the above posters. You are being used and you're allowing it to continue as long as you're in the situation. You keep asking him if he has made a decision yet? Hes not going too. How many weeks, months, or years will you continue to ask him that, just for him to tell you, he hasn't made up his mind yet? I think you should move on and find someone who loves you, not a shared love between you, and 2 other people.

August 18, 2004

let me see if i understand this correctly: he betrays you and now your emotional life is on hold for him to decide who to pick? did you lose your backbone when you married him? i'm not even saying run out and get a divorce but i definitely think you should ask him to move out and then move on with your life. if he comes to the conclusion he loves you and you still fill the same way after however long that takes, go through some in-depth marital counseling or you may never get to the root of the problem with YOUR marriage. this is not yours and his and her marriage - it's YOURS. waiting around for a man who's being an a**h*** just shows him you're weak and will accept whatever he dishes even if it hurts you to the core. you're telling him it's okay. is it really okay with you? if you honestly want this guy back (and i don't know why you would) then your best bet is to start looking out for you and getting that backbone back. men aren't really drawn to weak women. if you don't respect yourself now he will never ever respect you. unless you don't mind years of hurt and disrespect, you better take your own action now and tell him maybe you'll be there when he's decided and just maybe you won't.

August 19, 2004

Thank you all for your valuable input. In the past months, I have been thinking about leaving for a couple of times cos' this whole ordeal is so difficult for me to put up with. But one the other hand, because I love him, I want what he thinks is best for him. I am aware that would mean a divorce for me. I know it may sound crazy to you about what I am doing.

My husband is very stubborn guy, once he has decided, he will stick to his decision no matter what will happen. That's why I have given him so much time to find out what he really wants because once a decision is made there is no way back, this principle also applies to me. I want him to think very clearly about what he wants for his life.

What I want to know is, does it make any difference to quit now since I have waited this far? If the affair does end, are there any different implications on me or him in the aftermath whether the decision comes from the OW or him? Help me out here please..... I am thinking too much these days and sometimes I find it hard to keep my head straight.

He acknowledges that I am doing my best to improve our relationship and he loves me. I know that deep in my heart by October if neither the OW or him will end the affair, I will have no regrets to walk away cos' this is the last chance I am giving him to show me whether I have married to a coward or not for all these years. If he ends with me, I know I will feel totally numb that this will kill the love I have for him.

August 19, 2004

Your husband has no commitment to anyone but his own wishes. He has reneged on his promise to end this affair--a dealbreaker if I ever have heard of one--and he expects you to put your life on hold. Loving someone doesn't mean allowing them to ruin your self esteem.

For the sake of your own self worth, ditch his a$$ on the side of the road and contact a lawyer.

August 19, 2004

Tell him you love him, but you leaving, and when he decides what he wants, if you haven't moved on yourself, then maybe you all can work something out. Why continue to live in limbo while he makes up his mind. He either wants to be with you or her. I think he is just stalling longer so he can have you both. Its really just an excuse. Take control of the situation and do something about it. Best of luck.

August 19, 2004

It seems to me your H waqnts the best of both worlds as do a lot of people. You must tell him this is not acceptable. He must choose now. There is no waiting period.

August 19, 2004

Kick his arse out of the damn house. The thought of REALLY losing you may sway things to your favour.

Then, when he's comfortable he has you, file divorce papers, throw his sh*t out on the lawn and destroy his very favourite thing (as long as it's not alive)

When you've got EVERYTHING you can get your hands on, inform him that if he wishes to begin anew, you will allow him to court you but you make no promises.

That's the only way I can see things happening that would allow you to live with yourself.

August 19, 2004

Hi Spock, do you think he does not realistically anticipate the kind of emotional impact of losing me even though he said he has seriously given thoughts to leaving me? (as I said he is a very stubborn man, once he has decided he is very committed to making things work).

He asked me not to leave until October because he is still considering of staying in the marriage. He said he wants me to be here by his side for the reasons of 1. reminding him of my love for him by seeing me when he comes home so his thoughts will not be tempted to be with the OW and 2. to give him enough confidence in our new beginning together and courage to say goodbye to her. Am I fooling myself to believe what he said (which makes legitimate sense to me) or is he fooling himself by asking me to stay? Am I just hoping for something that will never happen?

Can somebody give me some insights or advice please!

August 19, 2004

I have to tell u something.

I do not write mny tmes here, but i read all the treads.

SPOCK!!!! you are fantastic!!!!

August 19, 2004

Originally posted by lovesucks
Hi Spock, do you think he does not realistically anticipate the kind of emotional impact of losing me even though he said he has seriously given thoughts to leaving me? (as I said he is a very stubborn man, once he has decided he is very committed to making things work).

He asked me not to leave until October because he is still considering of staying in the marriage. He said he wants me to be here by his side for the reasons of 1. reminding him of my love for him by seeing me when he comes home so his thoughts will not be tempted to be with the OW and 2. to give him enough confidence in our new beginning together and courage to say goodbye to her. Am I fooling myself to believe what he said (which makes legitimate sense to me) or is he fooling himself by asking me to stay? Am I just hoping for something that will never happen?

Can somebody give me some insights or advice please!

He KNOWS you love him, and that you'll be his doormat for life if he stays. I think he takes you for granted. I think he takes your love for granted. I think a swift kick in the arse out the door will remind him VERY well of life without you.

He asked you not to leave until October because he has an ulterior motive that has nothing to do with staying with you. He is boffing you both, at the same time I am almost sure of it. Have you spoken to the OW? It may be he's waiting until October for HER to make up her mind.

Please, protect yourself.

August 19, 2004

ww, I know anit Spock great!

lovesucks, you stated he wanted you to stay until October, because he is considering of staying in the marriage? He knows wheather or not if he wants to stay. This is an excuse hun, "considering" that just blows me away. He either does or he doesn't. He wants the both of you and which ever is willing to wait it out he will choose. I be damned, choose for him, leave. Ask yourself this, if he does decide to stay with you, are you willing to live the rest of your life wondering if he is doing this again? Are you willing play 2nd fiddle to the OW even though you're his wife? He said he loved her and shared a bond with her. I mean no disrespect, and I'm sure this is hard, but you should be the one to choose. Tell him, "see ya, wouldn't want to be ya."

August 19, 2004

Originally posted by lovesucks

He acknowledges that I am doing my best to improve our relationship...

Now, what the hell is this sorry SON OF A BIT*H doing to improve your relationship?

NEWS FLASH:::: YOU HAVE NOTHING TO PROVE TO HIM!!! HE IS THE ONE WHO BETRAYED YOU!!!

The tables are completely bass akwards... YOU should be acknowledging that HE is doing HIS best to improve your relationship... NOT the other way around...

This boy, I will not even speak of him with regards to being a man b/c that takes balls, is a piece of work... Stand up for yourself, you KNOW you are worth more, do not let him speak to you as though you can be tossed aside, because you can't... And he is, come October, he may choose her, and then what? There you are, left alone, all your "hard work" went to $hit... which, in my opinion, no wife should have to "work hard" at keeping her husband monogamous... You also shouldn't have to be there physically to be a reminder that he is married to YOU... Either he chooses you or her??? Make the choice for him... This is a cockamammy story, stand for it no longer...

August 20, 2004

Lovesucks, methinks you should go to branx's posts and make sure he's not YOUR husband. Hardi har har.

What I don't understand is WHY you think the decision is his? Remove his ability to pick and choose, and you remove all of his power. He's got all the cards here, and he knows it. He's holding YOU hostage here. Give yourself a big shot of empowerment and lay down the rules for him. If he leaves, you'll at least have the smidgen of self esteem kicking his arse out gave you. If he comes crawling back, YOU now have the cards. You have the choice. You see what I mean? There comes a point in time where one must say "F*ck this -I need to care about my own self preservation, not his bloody needs"

You seem to have this need for self torture-your part in this marriage borders on masochistic, in terms of the amount of suffering you are willing to allow this man to heap on you. What does your family think?

August 20, 2004

Spock, you'd bet ya in fact I have been following Brandx's threads these days to make sure he is NOT my husband either! Har har.......noooo, his story is similar to mine but luckily there are no children involved and my situation is more advanced than his! But I may ask him to have a look at my case.

Please bear with me on the length of this note. I feel it's necessary to dig up some details for a better picture.

Why do I feel that this is his choice? Good question. Somehow I think I owe it to my husband. We've been together for 14 years, problems lasted for 5-7 and I was very blind. Though I thought I cared so much for him, my biggest mistake was taking his love for granted (unconsciously due to my stressful job & demanding family expectations). I ignored his feelings and overlooked his sexual needs as a result he felt lonely and unappreciated.

His biggest mistake was faking it all the way and not having been able to express his emotional needs/feelings effectively to me. Instead, with his extremist character, he walked the self-destructive path secretly by seeing prostitutes, watching porn...basically to convince himself that he was a worthless BIG PILE OF S***.

I was completed worn inside-out when I discovered everything few months ago when he confessed his affair. It is devastating to me that I have contributed to destroying the self-esteem of the man whom I love most in my life. I try to resist the thought but somehow can't help feeling that I am THE ONE who is incapable to love.

Given the positive efforts I've made in the past months, I fear it may never be enough to heal the sense of failure he has had for years as long as he is with me. I feel responsible to this. Had I really taken a good look at my priorities or had I tried to understand him more or look for signs, the affair might not have happened? The OW has brought him back his self-esteem and confidence in loving someone. He could open up to her but not to me and that's why they have such a deep emotional, non-sexual bond in only 6 months.

I don't know if the past has to do with the passive position I put myself in today. Tell me if I am making it his choice out of my guilt? It has been a damaging and painful experience to both of us. I look at all the facts and try to realise what has happened beyond reasonably doubts. That's why I question myself after all I may not be the person he needs. Maybe that's why I think I owe it to him.

Tell me if I am making any sense to you out of this mess? After having done my best in the past months, my family thinks I should walk.I am still thinking about just walking away may be is easier.....for whatever reasons that may be....I need to have a reason that I can live with myself. Can somebody explain to me why I am feeling like this?

August 20, 2004

Have you gone to see a professional marriage counselllor?

He's got you by the balls, so to speak. So after years of neglect he gets to rake you over the coals? I just don't agree with that. It seems to me you're trying to convince him that you're not a bad person rather than hold on to your marriage-you're NOT a bad person. There comes a point in time where you need to step back, to asess things. I can tell you he's NOT going to suddenly have an flash of awareness of what he wants in October-what he is doing is stringing both of you along. And you don't need that. Why? Because of all of the above reasons you keep giving making it OK for your husband to do what he does. Do you NEED this stress right now? Methinks you should really try and focus on yourself-healing your ability to be another functioning half in a relationship. Not a third.

This may very well mean that you need to "let go" for a bit. Kick his arse out the door. Sit him down, and explain that you love him, that you understand your faults and weaknesses(DO NOT CRY-put a tack in your shoe to press down on if you have to, cry later)and you're working on them-but that doesn't give him an excuse to cheat on you. And that you've tried to patch things up, but until he's ready to give up this OW your marriage can't be fixed.

THEN KICK HIS ARSE OUT OF YOUR HOUSE.

August 20, 2004

Who picked October for the "deadline" anyway? the OW? Him? YOU? It sounds like (I could be wrong) the OW picked October. If that's the case, then you might take it one step further and assume that your H is keeping you around as a back-up. In case the OW leaves, he'd at least still have you... as the second choice? Could you live with that?

August 20, 2004

Hey. You need to do what feels right in your heart. It must be so hard either way to sit and wait till October.

It isn't fair what he is doing to you. It really sucks actually.

My suggestion is do a pro/con list. Write down all the good qualities, things you love about him, your relationship and how he makes you feel. Then do the negatives. This will help you sort out some feelings and thoughts running in your head.

I don't know what I would do in a situation like that, so I can't really give you any advice on that one..But guard your heart and put yourself first. I don't agree that you should be proving yourself to him, HE should be proving himself to you. He has put you and this OW in a race to see who wins his heart and that's not nice at all.

You have stuck by him as he has you too in the past...I guess what I'm trying to say again is just really think about yourself and how you feel towards him...When October comes and the his decision is made that is when it's gonna be so much harder either way. I don't need to put down why, you know.

All the best.

WWIU

August 20, 2004

Lovesucks,

I ready your reply to my post and appreciate your thoughts. I have spent a great deal of time reading your 2 threads because I would like to help others as I have been helped through this forum. I will do my best, but I am not sure if this will be what you are looking for. Reason I say that is every person who posts a question on this forum is looking for someone else to justify what they are already feeling; to tell them they are right in doing what they think they should do. Clearly, even myself. I am waiting for someone to tell me that it is the right thing to leave my wife because I have realized that I do not love her as either she or I deserve, and I do not feel the love in return that should exist. I know it. People who read my posts know it. Please, if you want to take care of yourself, dig deep; allow yourself a sense of honesty that you have not allowed before. I have a theory that we ALL know the truth deep down. It is usually just to scary to admit to ourselves, or we have put walls around it to hide its ugliness, or whatever reason. That being said, here is what you asked of me:

similar affair Post: 25 | Quote:

Brandx,

I congratulate you on still wanting to work things out with your wife after all these years as your priority before taking further actions with the OW. I am going through a very similar case of yours. My husband is involved in an emotional affair with an OW except that I am the wife who is trying my best to make things work. If are interested in reading my threads, that may shread you some views in anticipating what may possibly happen in your forthcoming days. I would certainly love to hear from you, your thoughts in general and particularly your views to my husband position. Many thanks in advance.

I wish I could make this easy for you. Hell, I wish I WAS your husband as you and Spock joked; at least then we would both know for sure where things stand and why. But I am not. There are several differences that I feel are very key between your situation and mine. I will point those out first because I want you to keep them in mind when I then go on to give you my feedback.

Difference #1: I do not love my OW. Not at all. I don't even pretend to think that. I will not let it progress to that point because I need to take care of issues at home. And I am fully aware that anything you feel in a relationship for the first 3-12 months is likely love and definitely not enough to make a lifetime commitment to anyone. No matter what. No exceptions.

#2: The conflict in my marriage is not OW vs wife. Conflict in my marriage is the awakening that I have had that I do not feel about my wife the way I should if I am going to be her husband and I do not receive feelings from her in the way I feel I should from a wife. It is even beyond that. We got married so fast and for the wrong reasons, we did not explore the values, direction, goals, trust, etc that HAS to be there to be married. I was too young and determined to realize this. Hell, I just did 2 weeks ago. She was likely to destroyed by her previous divorce, other issues, etc. to recognize this either.

#3: While my wife was not giving me emotionally what I needed, the only complaint I can make sexually is that we were having sex so she could feel loved. I could care less about sex if it is not for the internal love that I need to make that connection. She NEEDS sex to feel any love. So we were having sex very regularly

#4: You have realized what he feels is missing, acknowledged that you have shortcomings and taken steps to correct it.

#5: Less than 2 weeks for me. More than 6 months for him. And I am willing to cut mine off immediately, as is my OW. We have agreed to be friends and nothing else until I get through this. Which, bye the way, will not take 6 months.

#6: You have no children. If I had none, I would not even be married.

#7: You know about OW. My wife does not.

Those are pretty important distinctions, so I want to point them out. There may be others, but those are the prominent ones in my mind. Please keep in mind too, I cannot say for certainity any of the things I am saying are right. Clearly, if you have been following my posts, I have flaws as a partner, so take everthing for what they are worth; don't assign value from my statements to your life. Now my views on your situation/husband position.

Somehow I think I owe it to my husband. We've been together for 14 years, problems lasted for 5-7 and I was very blind. Though I thought I cared so much for him, my biggest mistake was taking his love for granted (unconsciously due to my stressful job & demanding family expectations). I ignored his feelings and overlooked his sexual needs as a result he felt lonely and unappreciated.

His biggest mistake was faking it all the way and not having been able to express his emotional needs/feelings effectively to me.

While you are likely taking way too much responsibility for this part of your relationship troubles, you are correct in taking some responsibility. We are all accountable for whatever we do in a relationship. I can relate here in similar ways. My wife was not doing things for the same reasons, or likely even in the same ways, the same problems occured. She has no awareness of how she has acted; thinks I am full of crap. I should have been stronger at expressing my feelings. I should have stood up for myself, but I was so set on being there all the time for my daughter and following through on the commitment I had made, right or wrong, that I bit my tongue. And it built a wall so high around my heart that I woke up two weeks ago realizing that I have no loving feelings for my wife as partner; only loving respect as a mother and loving concern as a companion of 7.5 years. Taking responsibility for your part should go a long way. Unfortunately, it has not gone that way for you. He should have dropped OW as soon as you recognized and acknowledged your shortcomings and poured your energy into trying to meet him halfway, or in your case, seemingly all the way.

Instead, with his extremist character, he walked the self-destructive path secretly by seeing prostitutes, watching porn...basically to convince himself that he was a worthless BIG PILE OF S***.

Excuse me, he saw prostitutes? Deal breaker. Plain and simple. I do realize and agree that feelings of worthlessness can cause a guy to do sexually self destructive things. Porn I can live with (others would disagree). But Prostitutes? First of all, he is putting both of your LIVES at risk here. Second, I don't care WHAT you have done. You want to sleep around, then break it off. Don't you dare excuse his behaviors. Believe me, I am not a person in a position to judge, but this is a no brainer. And bye the way, that right there tells me that he for SURE is having sex with OW. No question. You can deny it to yourself, but if he is willing to go to a prostitute during marriage, he will surely sleep with OW.

I was completed worn inside-out when I discovered everything few months ago when he confessed his affair. It is devastating to me that I have contributed to destroying the self-esteem of the man whom I love most in my life. I try to resist the thought but somehow can't help feeling that I am THE ONE who is incapable to love.

I can completely understand how finding out about the affair would devastate you. I have not had the balls to admit that I kissed another woman, even though I know she has done the same and never even questioned her about it because she was going through a rough time. Difference is, my wife would not leave if I told her, I just don't want to hurt her with that fact because that is not the issue of my marriage problems. Sorry I digress. You have hurt your husband. You have apologized and corrected the behavior. But did you destroy his self esteem? Funny thing, although I know most movies and TV are mindless, you can pick gems of insight that help you in your life if you pay attention. Two lines come to mind for me. First, self esteem: "No one can make you feel bad about yourself without your permission" Or something to that effect. Hey, yes you hurt him. But he and only he is responsible for HIS self esteem. If he did not like it, he needed to step up and say something (and I am one of the only ones on here who has been in those particular shoes -- I know what he was going through on that note, but he is still responsible for making that change). Why is it that we try to define our self worth and esteem by who is loving us and how much? He should have self esteem and worth seperate from you, OW, or anyone. This comes from the inside, not outside. You can't be responsible for that.

Second line: "Never let anyone make you feel you are not good enough to have what you want" (again, likely a paraphrase). Listen, either you want to love, or you don't either is ok, but don't let your H or ANYONE tell you what you are incapable of doing, or put you in a position like you are not capable of loving. Come, damnit, if you were incapable of love, then you wouldn't even care about this. The fact is this, and it is the same in my marriage: You both define love in different ways. You both express it differently, and you both feel it differently. Most people do. Those that make it work discuss and discover these differences and actively work to make sure they are both giving and receiving it in ways that make the relationship stronger. Those that don't get it aren't bad or wrong, they just are wrong FOR EACH OTHER in terms of a lifetime commitment.

Given the positive efforts I've made in the past months, I fear it may never be enough to heal the sense of failure he has had for years as long as he is with me. I feel responsible to this. Had I really taken a good look at my priorities or had I tried to understand him more or look for signs, the affair might not have happened?

WHo can say what might have been? You can only do what you feel is right. I sincerely doubt, though, that he is looking at his priorities here, or what they should be. That is where I think you are really letting him put one over on you.

The OW has brought him back his self-esteem and confidence in loving someone. He could open up to her but not to me and that's why they have such a deep emotional, non-sexual bond in only 6 months.

Again, this is crap. Maybe he could open up to her, not to you, that I am not denying. But no OW in the world is going to bring his self esteem back. Someone does that from within; I did it with a therapist as the catalyst 2 years ago and deep introspection that culminated itself over 2 years and crystallized 2 weeks ago. A girlfriend doesn't do it though. If anything, this "love" he thinks he has for her (and trust me, there is no TRUE love in that relationship) is clouding his mind. And his crotch; believe me, this IS a sexual affair.

I don't know if the past has to do with the passive position I put myself in today. Tell me if I am making it his choice out of my guilt? It has been a damaging and painful experience to both of us. I look at all the facts and try to realise what has happened beyond reasonably doubts. That's why I question myself after all I may not be the person he needs. Maybe that's why I think I owe it to him.

You are asking us to answer a question that you know the answer to. DIG DEEP. Of course that is part of it. No, you are not the person that he needs; that does not mean you owe him a thing. The true issue here is that HE IS NOT THE PERSON THAT YOU NEED. How can you question that? Put aside all the wrongs and rights that you have in this relationship and look inside. The best thing I have been asked on this board is wen Spock asked me where I want to be in 4 years. Damn the lot of them, she said, and I challenge you to the same. Forget what other faces are there in 4 years; you have no kids, so that is not an issue. How do you want to feel in 4 years? So what if it isn't with your current H. I know that is harsh, but he is not right for you. You do not share the same values, love, needs, etc. It seems from the outside that right now the main thing you share is fear: his fear of making a decision and your fear of failing in this situation. You both contributed to the failure of a marriage, but neither of you are failures. Don't put that on your shoulders. You deserve better. He may be acting like an a$$, but so does he. Anyone does. No one should hurt, but it is only within ourselves to stop the pain.

Tell me if I am making any sense to you out of this mess? After having done my best in the past months, my family thinks I should walk.I am still thinking about just walking away may be is easier.....for whatever reasons that may be....I need to have a reason that I can live with myself. Can somebody explain to me why I am feeling like this?

You feel this way, because as any human, our instinct is that we want to know we are right, safe, secure in our decisions and actions. You also feel guilt because you know you have made mistakes in your marriage. But you have taken responsiblity, apologized, and tried to make amends. Let the guilt go. You have done all that should be asked of you in response to those mistakes. You want a reason? How about being a healthy, happy you? How about your self esteem, worth, and respect? There is no reason to allow the failure of a relationship to define you. We all make mistakes. Recognize this for what it is: 2 people with different needs, values, feelings, etc. That doesn't make either of you wrong, just wrong for each other as lifetime partners. If you need other reasons, consider:

You say he is stubborn and will stick to a decision if made. What happened to his decision to decide in 2 months back in May? Sounds like he is stubborn when it works for him and wishy washy when it works for him.

He loves you both? Not possible. I don't think he knows what love is. The second I realized that I do not love my wife, I began to question what love truly is. NO ONE Can love someone in an instant. He may be infatuated with OW. He may lust after her. He may THINK he loves her, but he does not. Sounds like he does not even know how to love you.

Let him go. Get healthy in your heart spirit. Don't let anyone break you, intentionally or unintentionally. I lived that way for over 7 years. Not one more second. Not one. No one deserves to feel that way. Not you, not him , not me, my wife, anyone.

I hope some of the above helps. Sorry it is so long, but I have a hard time keeping things short in these situations. If I seem opinionated, it is likely because I am. But I would not have taken a couple of hours of my time if I did not feel strongly about this. I hope to God it helps. The pain inside you, I know you are dying. I see it in my wife's face. Not the same pain, but the limbo. I am working with her every second I can to get her out of it. He is working to keep you in it for himself because it is more comfortable for him. Do what is right for you. You know it is to end it. There someone else has said it and given you a reason. Now please do it.

Take Care

BrandX

August 25, 2004

Thank you very much Brandx, Spock, lioness, whichwayisup and the others for your thoughts and input. It has taken me a few days to digest them. I have come to the conclusion that I am going to have a separation from my husband.

In the past 5-6 months, I have realized I have been thinking too much for him and us. It is time for me to focus on myself, for my own good. It is time for me to breath again and clear my head. Spocks, you are absolutely right. There comes moments in life I really need to take a step back, to assess things.

Since the affair started, I have been trying to put myself in his shoes to see things, to feel how he feels and to understand them in his viewpoint. I realize he is only trying to find true love and wants to live happily in the rest of his life, with THE ONE whom he can trust and love him and respect him. There is nothing wrong with than and everyone deserves it. So do I.

Last night my husband told me that his OW proposed to have a break with him. He came back and told me about their conclusion. The break will be in effect starting tomorrow with the following permission REQUESTED BY MY HUSBAND:

- Ignore each other at work except there is an important work related question.

- Emails dialog to be maintained

- Have lunch once a week

- Occasionally will spend an evening together in case he misses her too much

I listened to him and I did not oppose. In fact I said nothing. I saw that pain on his face just talking about it. I said nothing because I am numb. Do you seriously think THIS IS A BREAK? To me, it is not, not at all. It makes my heart sank to hear him still fooling himself like this. It makes my heart sank that he wants to prove to me that he is doing more to detach from her. He wants me to believe he is making his best effort. To my knowledge, they have been ‘taking this break’ for more than 5 months only in more frequent times. Has he really taken a good look at where he has gotten to today? I have been wakened to the fact that HE is the one who refuses to let her go.

I can’t deny the past 5 month has made my husband realize that we can love each other in a much fulfilling way that we never allowed ourselves to try. Though he knows he loves me, I don't think he doesn’t realize his priorities and commitment have changed. On one side of him I see that he is struggling hard to control himself, convincing himself that he is doing ALL he can to stay. But there is another side I see in just about everything he does is to keep an emotional attachment with her. What I actually thought the purpose of giving him a 5 month time to calm his emotion with the OW and to work things out between us, has reversely driven him to an addiction to her. I was aware this would happen, and it has, but I knew I had to put his commitment for me to test.

If you ask me now, do I regret having given him that time?

NO. I do not regret that because I have taken my responsibilities with the best effort in trying to resolve our problems existed in our failing marriage.

NO. I do not regret that because the past months was HIS chance to take his share of responsibilities as a husband. But he hasn’t.

NO. I do not regret that because I wanted to see if he is still the man I once knew. No, he is not, not anymore.

He changed his commitment and priorities, innocently or not, whether it is overwhelmed by true love or whatever it is that he is feeling, I do not care anymore. I can’t. Things have changed and I know it is time for me to give up and walk away.

I am planning to leave the country next week for I don’t know how long, as far away from him as possible. I want to recover from this and there is a long road ahead of me. The hurt and pain is so much that I can’t bear anymore. Enough is enough. Wish me luck.

August 25, 2004

Have you heard the song by Beyonce Knowles - Me, Myself and I....If not listen to it.

It no ones fault this has happened but he has been with soemone else.

That means its over, there is no going back. All you can do is think about yourself and what you want from your life whether he is in it or not.

Good luck and my heart goes out to you, but please don't let this man and OW make a decision that will effect you so drastically emotionally and I guess effect your new relationships.

You make your mind up, Even if he does choose you is the trust there, do you truly love him as love to me is respect trust and morals. He has broken all of them so how can you possibly love him or are you used to the relationship, a comfort zone.

Best of luck darling!

August 25, 2004

I wish you all the best and I'm sorry you have had your heart broken. You're doing the right thing as painful as it is to do and I really admire you for putting you first and not waiting around for him to decide which woman he wants more.

You nailed it perferctly-It's his commitment to you and his priorities that have changed, not his love for you...I think that is what makes this even sadder...There still is love in the equation.

Stay safe and take it all one day at time. Find someone, a good girlfriend to talk to so you have some support or even when you are ready, see a therapist to help you deal with this and all the emotions.

I really hope you're going to okay. Give us an update once in a while.

WWIU

August 25, 2004

Good luck. Know in your heart that you are doing the right thing. Don't waste one more second on this pain. Make a change for yourself, and live strong. Let us know how you are.

Be Well

Brand X

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My husband 6-month emotional affair or my marriage will soon end. Will he stay/leave?

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