Dante311 Posted January 5, 2013 Posted January 5, 2013 Wow, I haven't posted It's a long complicated story... the gist of it, she has these rage fits (I think due to stress and what not) and takes them out on me. I sometimes talk her down, but usually, she apologizes to me 12-24 hours later and tells me how great I am for putting up with them. Well recently I've been a douche b/c I'm just getting fed up. I circumvented the idea of her cheating on me... it escalated.. calmed down. Then the next day, I did it again unintentionally (honestly)... she took something I said (that I meant harmlessly) and blew up... oh **** it was bad. She demanded personal space and threw me out of her room (so I chilled in the TV room). She came in and we talked, then she told me she wants a temporary break. I looked at her and told her that it was meant harmlessly and she needs to understand that... to trust me. I trust her and she trusts me. I then told her but if she wants a temporary break.. I don't buy that. In my mind, anything temporary... space... etc.. is just a prolonged breakup. Are we single, are we together.. to many what ifs. If we're going on a temporary break, then I'm going to make it permanent. If you haven't guessed, we're still together. but little things are bothering me now... a lot. I don't know what to do. advice? Everything has to go her way! literally. I do little things for her, and big things. she does half as much for me as I do for her... I don't feel good about this anymore. i'm already going to speak to a therapist (scheduled an appt. for next week) thanks guys for helping a re-newbie (I'm from many years ago on this site) out!
Author Dante311 Posted January 6, 2013 Author Posted January 6, 2013 she and i spoke tonight... we talked it out. i guess she wants to be with me, but wants more "her" time.. individuality, but loves the thought of coming home to me after. i guess all i can do is trust until she gives me a real reason not to. thanks
CptSaveAho Posted January 6, 2013 Posted January 6, 2013 uh oh... not good for you as for the thread title, yes you are wrong... always let them go if they want a break
Author Dante311 Posted January 6, 2013 Author Posted January 6, 2013 uh oh... not good for you as for the thread title, yes you are wrong... always let them go if they want a break the fact i told her a break to me means it's over... she didn't like that
CptSaveAho Posted January 6, 2013 Posted January 6, 2013 the fact i told her a break to me means it's over... she didn't like that she knows what a break is... you know whats going on to... you aren't trusting your own common sense, you are letting your emotions and instincts control you. no offense you used the break as a threat instead of just letting her go at this point you both are just holding onto hope and you both know it... time to do some serious thinking on your own... 1) do i want a relationship based on playing the lottery with the odds in 1 in 170+ million chances of winning 2) do i want to constantly think that she might be doing something bad even when she assures me shes not on her "own" time 3) do i want to put myself through hell for the next 6 months to a year while she goes out and hangs out with friends/coworkers etc and instills drama into my life and then finally breaks up with me out of the blue 4) do i want to man up and do whats right right now for both of us now
Author Dante311 Posted January 6, 2013 Author Posted January 6, 2013 I don't know... she's different.
CptSaveAho Posted January 6, 2013 Posted January 6, 2013 I don't know... she's different. lol.... famous last words good luck 1
TaraMaiden Posted January 6, 2013 Posted January 6, 2013 I don't know... she's different. Yeah... let me enlighten you. Every woman is 'different' - as is every guy. Re-read your post. She still wants 'space'... 'her' time is you allowing distance, so that she has more available to do her own thing. Basically, all you've done is concede. So instead of being her mainstay, you've become her 'soft place to fall'.... So - what are YOU getting out of this, BTW?
movingforward2013 Posted January 6, 2013 Posted January 6, 2013 You will be doing yourself a big favor if you end the relationship. She wants a break, break up..... She will come running back when she realized what she lost. If you stay in this relationship then it is only a matter of time before she tells you it is over. LET HER GO!
Author Dante311 Posted January 6, 2013 Author Posted January 6, 2013 Yeah... let me enlighten you. Every woman is 'different' - as is every guy. Re-read your post. She still wants 'space'... 'her' time is you allowing distance, so that she has more available to do her own thing. Basically, all you've done is concede. So instead of being her mainstay, you've become her 'soft place to fall'.... So - what are YOU getting out of this, BTW? Thank you so far for the feedback. So far, last night we had a heart to heart over some tears from both of us. I know it's only been 1 year, but it feels like a lot more - to both of us. She told me she doesn't want to lose me. She just wants some more individuality in the relationship. I looked at her and asked if I'm smothering her, or controlling her.. and she said no. She wants to be able to go out with her best friends (of whom I do trust) and her best gay friend more (who set us up) and be able to also go out with the group + me... and in both situations, come home to me. She wants the long term, but wants me to know that she trusts me and she knows I trust her. It's more in the fact that I'll trust her until that trust is broken. I had a REALLY abusive relationship (posts on THIS forum) about 3 years ago where I lost trust in love, relationships, and women. One woman on this forum (after reading my story) apologized for women everywhere. Granted, there are two sides to every story... I was on the receiving end of the abuse. It sucked. I sought therapy.. it affected my graduate work 3-4 years ago. I'm starting over at a new Univ studying very similar areas of adacemia. Right now, as of last night and this morning, we're still in a relationship, still a couple, still in love... tonight she's home with her parents and sister... taking some "her" time... and tomorrow we're going to dinner and relaxing over some netflix and wine (plus school work). We're both MID 20's, so these are the years we're still learning. I told her last night - that we've overcome so much together and she acknowledged it. If she wants thsi relationship to end, then to just tell me, but I'm not going to let it drag out. and be painful for both of us. She cried, and told me how amazing I am, that she doesn't deserve me b/c of how she spoke to me (so harshly) earlier in the conversation and here I am trying to be supportive. I told her I love her and I'm not giving up easily and I know she loves me, and she confirmed and kissed me. We agreed to spend the night at our respective places (my place and her @ her parents, like she originally intended - WHICH BTW... when she told me 2 days ago she was going to her parents for the night tonight, I said, "Ok cool")... this argument stems from a HUGE fight from 4 days ago. We shall see what happens. Thanks again for the advice. all I can do is be strong. Or pretend to be...
TaraMaiden Posted January 6, 2013 Posted January 6, 2013 "Trust" is the Bitch. Relationships are sustained by three important, vital and co-dependent factors: They are in fact, like the tripod supporting the fragile porcelain dish within the laboratory.... These three, inseparable and co-effective factors are: Communication (effective and constructive) Respect (For self and partner) Trust. If one of these is damaged, bent or broken, the other two - with the best will and effort in the world - cannot function effectively to hold the relationship up on their own, or even as a pair... Trust is like the precious, antique porcelain statuette; Beautiful and valuable and the envy of all your friends - but if it gets chipped or damaged, no matter how expert or invisible the repair, no matter how skilfully restored - the damage is done. The item has lost its value, and even if the mend is unseen to the naked eye - YOU know it's there... and it constantly bugs you, every time you gaze upon the piece... Trust is exactly like that. Of the three, it's the most precious - but the hardest to remedy too.
rn0408 Posted January 7, 2013 Posted January 7, 2013 Thank you so far for the feedback. So far, last night we had a heart to heart over some tears from both of us. I know it's only been 1 year, but it feels like a lot more - to both of us. She told me she doesn't want to lose me. She just wants some more individuality in the relationship. I looked at her and asked if I'm smothering her, or controlling her.. and she said no. She wants to be able to go out with her best friends (of whom I do trust) and her best gay friend more (who set us up) and be able to also go out with the group + me... and in both situations, come home to me. She wants the long term, but wants me to know that she trusts me and she knows I trust her. It's more in the fact that I'll trust her until that trust is broken. I had a REALLY abusive relationship (posts on THIS forum) about 3 years ago where I lost trust in love, relationships, and women. One woman on this forum (after reading my story) apologized for women everywhere. Granted, there are two sides to every story... I was on the receiving end of the abuse. It sucked. I sought therapy.. it affected my graduate work 3-4 years ago. I'm starting over at a new Univ studying very similar areas of adacemia. Right now, as of last night and this morning, we're still in a relationship, still a couple, still in love... tonight she's home with her parents and sister... taking some "her" time... and tomorrow we're going to dinner and relaxing over some netflix and wine (plus school work). We're both MID 20's, so these are the years we're still learning. I told her last night - that we've overcome so much together and she acknowledged it. If she wants thsi relationship to end, then to just tell me, but I'm not going to let it drag out. and be painful for both of us. She cried, and told me how amazing I am, that she doesn't deserve me b/c of how she spoke to me (so harshly) earlier in the conversation and here I am trying to be supportive. I told her I love her and I'm not giving up easily and I know she loves me, and she confirmed and kissed me. We agreed to spend the night at our respective places (my place and her @ her parents, like she originally intended - WHICH BTW... when she told me 2 days ago she was going to her parents for the night tonight, I said, "Ok cool")... this argument stems from a HUGE fight from 4 days ago. We shall see what happens. Thanks again for the advice. all I can do is be strong. Or pretend to be... Get rid of her..sounds like shes playing games. There is no absolute reason to run from a argument..sure it can get heated and you bump heads, but you should try to resolve it...sounds like shes irrational. I'm in a intense nursing program and I'm anti-relationship mode..and I dont even casually date. I'm sure you're already stressed out with school..a looney toon will make it 10x worse.
XKatieX Posted January 7, 2013 Posted January 7, 2013 (edited) I disagree. I don't always think a break automatically means it's over or that person wants it to be. Taking a break can be very beneficial, it can allow you to both calm down, take a step back, and try to figure out what went wrong and how to fix it. It can also help you to see things that maybe you didn't see while you were IN the relationship. In some cases taking a break can even make the relationship stronger than it was before. You know the phrase: "absence makes the heart grow stronger." Edited January 7, 2013 by XKatieX
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