sarah_beth Posted January 5, 2013 Posted January 5, 2013 I picked ANOTHER bad person to date...guhh how am I so good at this?? I seriously need to be on a gameshow called "How to Destroy Your Life." I've been dating my partner for 6 months now, going on 7. I moved in a month ago to help her out since her roommate left. Since I moved in, I have learned that she is an alcoholic. I had no idea she was addicted to alcohol...She effectively hid it from me and portrayed herself as just someone who liked to kick back on the weekend with a couple of drinks, no big deal. Wrong. It's totally a humungous deal. She has this breathalyzer and when she drinks, she will blow into it for sh*ts and giggles to see how effed up she is. Well, she always blows around a .30 which means she should be blacking out. Last week she blew a .39 which means she should have been in a coma.... but she wasn't! She was up and walking around, only looking like she was tipsy. This is terrible to see anyone do to themselves! I don't understand it. Why would you want to kill yourself like this? She tells me she doesn't want to die and she just drinks to relax... Another big issue besides her impending death due to alcohol poisoning is that I recently realized that I want to have a baby in the future. I don't want to have my baby around an alcoholic. She isn't mean or violent to me while she is intoxicated, but it is still dangerous and not exactly the best, most ideal situation to raise a child in! Plus, she doesn't even want to have kids... We have totally different goals in life and ways of living.... I thought maybe we could make it work if she got help for her drinking, but she won't. She says counseling won't help and is not interested in AA meetings. Also, she doesn't seem to be budging on the baby issue. But I would never want to try to convince someone that they need help or that they should be a mother. Decisions like those are ones that you have to make on your own, regardless of what others try to tell you. I really need to break up with her and move away. But the thing is, I can't right now. I don't have money for a deposit or a moving truck or monthly rent or even a place to go. I have no idea where to live or what to do.
Casablanca Posted January 5, 2013 Posted January 5, 2013 Do you have a friend or family you could move in with?
Author sarah_beth Posted January 5, 2013 Author Posted January 5, 2013 No I don't... I moved to this big city to be with her and I don't know anyone else here. I got myself into quite a pickle.
Casablanca Posted January 5, 2013 Posted January 5, 2013 No I don't... I moved to this big city to be with her and I don't know anyone else here. I got myself into quite a pickle. Can you move back or do you have a job in the city?
Author sarah_beth Posted January 5, 2013 Author Posted January 5, 2013 No job yet and I can't move back to my previous place.
carhill Posted January 5, 2013 Posted January 5, 2013 Continue on the same path you originally were, to help her out, except divert the results to helping you out. Go to an Al-Anon meeting. They're free. Network with people you meet to get a job. Form a plan of action. Moving without any assets to fall back on was a good life lesson. Now move forward. 3
sagetalk Posted January 5, 2013 Posted January 5, 2013 In the future, talk about these issues before you move this far forward with someone. As for your living situation, why can you not move back? I'd say that is your best option.
KraftDinner Posted January 5, 2013 Posted January 5, 2013 I too suggest Al-Anon. I ended up being involved with a guy who decided 5 years into our relationship to start using coke regularrly and NarAnon kept me from going off the deep end. They won't tell you how to get her to stop. They'll just help you realize what is in YOUR control and help you feel like you aren't all alone. 1
Author sarah_beth Posted January 5, 2013 Author Posted January 5, 2013 Thanks for your input, everyone. Can't move back to my old place because it's an hour away from my current location and I don't have a job back there to fall back on. I'm not sure if al-Anon is right for me, but I will check it out, definitely and give it a go! I don't have anything else to try.
Keenly Posted January 5, 2013 Posted January 5, 2013 I am truly sorry , but you are never going to convince some one to change. It is they who needs to want to change in order for it to happen, and if she doesn't want to stop drinking , she won't. My mother was an alcoholic from when I was 10 to 18. She was very kind and loving, but when she drank she wasn't mentally there, and it left me wondering why I couldn't have a conversation with my mom after 5pm. She didn't stop until she herself realized what was going on.
Author sarah_beth Posted January 6, 2013 Author Posted January 6, 2013 Yeah, it breaks my heart. And I am disappointed in myself for not seeing it sooner.
CarrieT Posted January 6, 2013 Posted January 6, 2013 I did something very similar to you; gave up a lot (with no ability to go back) and moved in with an alcoholic. Like others are saying, Al-Anon is a GREAT idea and helped me a lot during my transition in trying to get out of the relationship. Al-Anon is not necessarily for alcoholics themselves, but for those in relationships with them and how to best deal with it. Don't dismiss it without investigating. Until then, stay strong and save as much as you can to move forward. You will survive (even though your GF may not). It is hard - I know - but possible to move on effectively. 1
Author sarah_beth Posted January 6, 2013 Author Posted January 6, 2013 Carrie, did/do you find that you often pick out bad people to date? did you notice any warning signs before you moved in with your alcoholic? Yes, I will be attending my al-Anon meeting on monday night. I'm hoping for the best! Maybe I can meet some friends or even have my own sponsor haha. I'm not sure if they even do that but I think it'd be a good idea!! The friends and family of the alcoholic def need their own sponsors!
mortensorchid Posted January 6, 2013 Posted January 6, 2013 I'm sorry to hear that you have gotten yourself into said situation - both with your living with her and realizing the alcoholism. The only thing that you can do is this: 1) Find another place to live - I realize you probably are in this for partially financial reasons. You have to swallow it and find another place to live ASAP. 2) Alcoholism - You didn't know that your gf was an alcoholic before you started living with her? I can only determine from this that you must not have had much experience with alcoholics before then. You said that you thought she just liked to party a lot. Before you headed out for the evening, did she drink the entire bottle of wine before you even left for the night? Surely there must have been some kind of sign before but you just didn't see it because you didn't know what you were looking for. What can you do about it? Not much, unfortunately. You should tell her that she must go to AA and get better. DO NOT LET HER DRAG YOU DOWN WITH HER. 1
CarrieT Posted January 6, 2013 Posted January 6, 2013 Carrie, did/do you find that you often pick out bad people to date? Yes - I had a twenty-five-year history of picking the wrong guys... I only *just* met one that is a keeper, and I am almost 50! did you notice any warning signs before you moved in with your alcoholic? Yes, but I ignored them and - like most co-dependents - thought I could "fix him." This is where Al-Anon will help. We tend to have rescue modes in wanting to help those who are abusers of drugs and alcohol. Near the end - when his behaviour was beyond destructive to both him and our relationship - I was extremely angry that he would chose the alcohol over the love and care of woman who would do anything to ensure his happiness... It was *that* relationship that brought me to LS five years ago. And the ending of that relationship exists in my firsts posts here so you can see what I went through to get out of it and how painful it was. Then there were years of one-night stands, dozens of online dates with losers, and - ultimately - meeting someone just a year ago who has just asked me to marry him. (But it was a long, long haul to get here!) 2
Author sarah_beth Posted January 6, 2013 Author Posted January 6, 2013 Wow thank you so much for sharing, Carrie!! It means a lot to me and gives me hope.
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