drifter777 Posted January 9, 2013 Posted January 9, 2013 Ok, so a quick update... She saw the therapist yesterday. He thinks she really needs time to sort herself out. I honestly believe she's in a real mess. She told me that she loves the other guy, and wants to be with him, but still can't let me go. I said I'd just leave her alone to figure things out for a couple of months. Meanwhile, I'll work on myself. I did discover though that they had indeed still been having sex. What I don't understand is how she can say she loves him, but will also put him down a lot to me. I wonder if she's going through some mental mid-life thing. We had dinner last night and we got along really well... she was very open with me, and did say she still feels for me, but can't get him out of her mind either. She won't understand the whole fog thing coming from me - and didn't seem to listen to the therapist either. I'm thinking - 10 years, 3 kids, and a hell of a lot of love and memories we've shared. I'm just going to give her that space now for a couple of months. If she chooses him I will feel so sorry for her as I know one day she will regret her decision... she's admitted herself even that she can't see a long-term future with him. I guess time will tell. Hey, good luck with your plan to "give her space". Are you going to keep taking care of the kids while she fu*ks the other guy? Are you going to help finance her nifty new lifestyle? You really started to make progress when you went 180 and reduced contact with/from her to an absolute minimum. Now you've slid back down into the same disgusting relationship you realized you were done with. Go back to what was working and turn your back on her. If she comes to you with true remorse and is willing to do anything to try to repair the damage she has done, you might give her a chance. I think your best path right now is separation and divorce. I rarely say this to a BH when there are kids involved, but you will come to hate you wife and that is impossible to hide. Work on you own recovery and be a great dad. It's a great gift to give to them and yourself.
BetrayedH Posted January 9, 2013 Posted January 9, 2013 Hey, good luck with your plan to "give her space". Are you going to keep taking care of the kids while she fu*ks the other guy? Are you going to help finance her nifty new lifestyle? You really started to make progress when you went 180 and reduced contact with/from her to an absolute minimum. Now you've slid back down into the same disgusting relationship you realized you were done with. Go back to what was working and turn your back on her. If she comes to you with true remorse and is willing to do anything to try to repair the damage she has done, you might give her a chance. I agree with this. And I think you proceed with HER leaving and you filing for divorce until such time as you see true remorse.
road Posted January 9, 2013 Posted January 9, 2013 Another MC giving bad advice. And you can't drink the cool aid fast enough.
BetrayedH Posted January 9, 2013 Posted January 9, 2013 Another MC giving bad advice. And you can't drink the cool aid fast enough. Agreed. I wonder if this MC would take their own advice. Let her have her cake and eat it, too? The WW was suffering consequences and the drama from her actions when the OP was doing the 180. That lasted for what, 2 posts? Ugh. The WW isn't just fence-sitting; she has a LazyBoy recliner up there.
Author loving-devotion Posted January 14, 2013 Author Posted January 14, 2013 Hey guys I know. It's really hit me. She's not worth it. I've spent a lot of time alone thinking.. Really thinking hard. I've finally accepted that I didn't make her do anything. It's all her. She can have her new life. I'm going to do everything I can to feel better about me, and that will be FOR me... Not her. The 180 is working because I no longer feel powerless. I think it's really annoying her because she's become very chatty over texts. Unless its about the kids I don't reply at all. Now I'm getting lots of texts with photos etc of the kids because she's realised at least she gets a reaction. Anyway, as much as I loved her.. I don't see any future (for now) even if she did seriously want to reconcile. Feeling lots of ups and downs, but starting to see more ups. Thanks for all your encouragement guys.
Author loving-devotion Posted January 14, 2013 Author Posted January 14, 2013 At the end if the day... what simple phrase hit me the most: "actions speak louder than words". Her beautiful chats about our future meant nothing at all if an hour later she's wining an dining with him. I WAS an idiot. But no more.
Darren Steez Posted January 14, 2013 Posted January 14, 2013 Glad you saw the light at the end of the tunnel but remember she has means and ways of getting you back on the hook, especially when it comes to sex. Be strong brother! Good luckl 1
BetrayedH Posted January 14, 2013 Posted January 14, 2013 Hey guys I know. It's really hit me. She's not worth it. I've spent a lot of time alone thinking.. Really thinking hard. I've finally accepted that I didn't make her do anything. It's all her. She can have her new life. I'm going to do everything I can to feel better about me, and that will be FOR me... Not her. The 180 is working because I no longer feel powerless. I think it's really annoying her because she's become very chatty over texts. Unless its about the kids I don't reply at all. Now I'm getting lots of texts with photos etc of the kids because she's realised at least she gets a reaction. Anyway, as much as I loved her.. I don't see any future (for now) even if she did seriously want to reconcile. Feeling lots of ups and downs, but starting to see more ups. Thanks for all your encouragement guys. So LD, what are you going to do? I hope you haven't moved out.
Author loving-devotion Posted January 14, 2013 Author Posted January 14, 2013 So LD, what are you going to do? I hope you haven't moved out. Yeah I have for now. Clear my head. I go home when it's my turn with the kids, and she hangs with her new man those nights. We'll start working financials out soon. It's all still pretty raw. I'd like to keep things pleasant for the kids' sakes. Here's to new beginnings. Actually been watching first season of Californication past couple of nights. I see that show in a whole new light. A lot of pain there. I miss her terribly, but she's no longer the girl I once knew. I accept that now. And I feel ok......... for now
Bryanp Posted January 14, 2013 Posted January 14, 2013 It is absolutely essential that you contact an attorney to understand your various options. I guarantee you that she is nice now but her OM or friends will start telling her that she deserves more compensation from you. You need to protect yourself now. By the way have you been checked for STD's? Good luck.
pheazoid Posted January 15, 2013 Posted January 15, 2013 When her son filed for a divorce from his wife, my great-grandmother expressed disdain to me. She said, "The wife wants SPACE. Space? You want space? Space is up there!" [pointing towards the sky]. What she meant is that there's only room for two people in a marriage, that marriages are worked on together, not alone. If your wife really wanted to work things out, she'd be there with you, not having physical relations STILL with the OM and making herself "more confused". Honestly, what is there for her to THINK about, to sort out mentally that she needs space from you or you from her? It's pretty straight forward and simple: you or him. Not both. Not a bit of this or that when she pleases. I realise you're doing the whole space thing, but IMO marriages are when two people commit to each other in monogamy, not in "I need to sort myself out so I know what I want". There's too many "I's" in that, not any "we", "ours", or "us". Isn't that what marriage is about, fellow Aussie? 1
Darren Steez Posted January 15, 2013 Posted January 15, 2013 When her son filed for a divorce from his wife, my great-grandmother expressed disdain to me. She said, "The wife wants SPACE. Space? You want space? Space is up there!" [pointing towards the sky]. What she meant is that there's only room for two people in a marriage, that marriages are worked on together, not alone. If your wife really wanted to work things out, she'd be there with you, not having physical relations STILL with the OM and making herself "more confused". Honestly, what is there for her to THINK about, to sort out mentally that she needs space from you or you from her? It's pretty straight forward and simple: you or him. Not both. Not a bit of this or that when she pleases. I realise you're doing the whole space thing, but IMO marriages are when two people commit to each other in monogamy, not in "I need to sort myself out so I know what I want". There's too many "I's" in that, not any "we", "ours", or "us". Isn't that what marriage is about, fellow Aussie? Beautiful line, absolutely succinct...it takes a second to decide what you want, then from there move heaven and earth to make it happen
2long Posted January 15, 2013 Posted January 15, 2013 Why aren't you in YOUR home all the time?? Why is she not off in an apartment all the time?? The longer you share that house, the longer you put off starting that divorce clock. If she refuses 2 move out, put the house on the market and buy yourself something with no room for her. ...and the longer you give her exactly what she wants. Both of you. You haven't gone "no contact" on her if you're texting all the time and sharing the same house. "work out financials" with your lawyer, and let him communicate those 2 her. Stop having relationship or divorce conversations with her right now. She's having an affair with someone else's husband and you're babysitting for her? She doesn't need space, she's got an f-toy and a babysitter 2 keep her mind off her problems. The only chance you have of winning her back (gawd, I hate talking like that) is 2 make yourself completely unavailable 2 her for ANYTHING. get a family member or close friend 2 serve as an intermediary about kid issues. You need her 2 understand what her life will be like without you in it, because you will not want her back by the time she pulls her head out of her nethers, especially if you make her continued cheating easy for her. Say goodbye. -ol' 2long 2
Author loving-devotion Posted January 16, 2013 Author Posted January 16, 2013 I am a sucker for her. Yes. I asked her out on a date Friday night to which to replied with a "yes, but as friends". I tried to charm my way into saying that I would be giving it my all that night. Meanwhile tonight, I AM BABYSITTING while she's out with OM. Clarity comes and goes for me. Deep down, I love her, but deeper again I know I'm just a fool. I will cancel that date on Friday. I'm just a sucker going through a long phase of denial. I loved her so very much. I had been doing my 180 and she hhhaattteedd it. Snooping through my calendar and emails etc (I can see when she does). But gotta keep up with it for my own head. Sorry guys, I go around in circles. I'm sure ,most of you understand. I'll pull out of it soon I hope. Thanks again
BetrayedH Posted January 16, 2013 Posted January 16, 2013 I am a sucker for her. Yes. I asked her out on a date Friday night to which to replied with a "yes, but as friends". I tried to charm my way into saying that I would be giving it my all that night. Meanwhile tonight, I AM BABYSITTING while she's out with OM. Clarity comes and goes for me. Deep down, I love her, but deeper again I know I'm just a fool. I will cancel that date on Friday. I'm just a sucker going through a long phase of denial. I loved her so very much. I had been doing my 180 and she hhhaattteedd it. Snooping through my calendar and emails etc (I can see when she does). But gotta keep up with it for my own head. Sorry guys, I go around in circles. I'm sure ,most of you understand. I'll pull out of it soon I hope. Thanks again Dude, look at your own post. You ask her on a date and you get, "just friends." You babysit for her and she f ucks her OM. But you do the 180 and she goes crazy. If you want any chance of your wife coming back to you, move back into your home and go with as limited contact as humanly possible. This is beside the fact that the 180 is respectful to you. 1
2long Posted January 16, 2013 Posted January 16, 2013 Yeah, many of us did s2pid things at first after d-day. Just remembrer, every dumb thing you do 2 try 2 charm the OM's f-toy back in2 your loving arms sets the clock back 2 zero, maybe even lower. When do you plan 2 start that 1-yr clock ticking? I'm not kidding, if you keep this up, you're going 2 hate her guts in a few months, followed by a mild annoyance whenever you have 2 deal with her at all. If she wakes up THEN, there won't be a place in your heart for her 2 come back 2. ...which ought 2 be the case now, frankly. -ol' 2long 1
stillafool Posted January 16, 2013 Posted January 16, 2013 I am a sucker for her. Yes. I asked her out on a date Friday night to which to replied with a "yes, but as friends". I tried to charm my way into saying that I would be giving it my all that night. Meanwhile tonight, I AM BABYSITTING while she's out with OM. Clarity comes and goes for me. Deep down, I love her, but deeper again I know I'm just a fool. I will cancel that date on Friday. I'm just a sucker going through a long phase of denial. I loved her so very much. I had been doing my 180 and she hhhaattteedd it. Snooping through my calendar and emails etc (I can see when she does). But gotta keep up with it for my own head. Sorry guys, I go around in circles. I'm sure ,most of you understand. I'll pull out of it soon I hope. Thanks again Welcome to LS. Your wife is a whore. Sorry but it's the truth. The only reason she has been sad when you are around is because she is in love with the OM and wants him to leave his wife for her. He has probably told her no or given her other excuses why he can't divorce. Your wife is only using you for financial support at this point. DO NOT give her another dime. If the kids need something (including groceries) go to the store and buy these items for them. Do not give her cash. Cancel all of her credit cards. If she is in love with this man let him pay for her hair, nails, clothes, toothpaste and whatever. Since she has so much time on her hands make her get a job. I think you should kick her arse out of the house and stop babysitting for her while she dates another man. I am a woman and I can tell you we do not respect men who let us run over them. She is using a mack truck to run over you. Put a stop to it today. Man up and stop asking her out on dates because you are not the one she wants. She is only interested in your wallet.
Bryanp Posted January 16, 2013 Posted January 16, 2013 She clearly no longer has any respect for you whatsoever. Do you honestly think that she would find a husband of hers attractive when he accepts babysitting so she can screw her lover? If the roles were reversed she would never accept it. One more time: IF YOU DO NOT RESPECT YOURSELF THEN WHO WILL? 1
Author loving-devotion Posted January 16, 2013 Author Posted January 16, 2013 She clearly no longer has any respect for you whatsoever. Do you honestly think that she would find a husband of hers attractive when he accepts babysitting so she can screw her lover? If the roles were reversed she would never accept it. One more time: IF YOU DO NOT RESPECT YOURSELF THEN WHO WILL? I wasn't actually babysitting sorry, it was just my turn with the kids (one of her nights off). But you're right. I'm fine until I see her... that's when I melt
Darren Steez Posted January 16, 2013 Posted January 16, 2013 I wasn't actually babysitting sorry, it was just my turn with the kids (one of her nights off). But you're right. I'm fine until I see her... that's when I melt shheesh..
BetrayedH Posted January 16, 2013 Posted January 16, 2013 I'm fine until I see my exwife...that's when I want to smash her ****ing face in. 2
BetrayedH Posted January 16, 2013 Posted January 16, 2013 I wasn't actually babysitting sorry, it was just my turn with the kids (one of her nights off). No, you were right the first time.
2long Posted January 16, 2013 Posted January 16, 2013 I wasn't actually babysitting sorry, it was just my turn with the kids (one of her nights off). But you're right. I'm fine until I see her... that's when I melt And I'm telling you, one day soon, you won't "melt", you'll explode. -ol' 2long P.S. That's still babysitting, IMHO.
Bryanp Posted January 16, 2013 Posted January 16, 2013 Maybe you should ask yourself why you love a woman who clearly gets off humiliating and disrespecting you in the worst possible way. Ask yourself why do you love a woman who constantly hurts you? Enough is enough. Stop wasting your time and find someone who can truly love and respect your because she cannot.
Darren Steez Posted January 16, 2013 Posted January 16, 2013 She lies and cheats, sleeps with another man with your full knowledge, and you melt? Hell man you have no respect for yourself, you might as well move OM in, while you sleep in the room next to them. It would be cheaper for all, and you can still have your "melt" moments after he's finished with her
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