loving-devotion Posted January 5, 2013 Posted January 5, 2013 Hey guys, Apologies in advance for the long story, I'll try to cut it down. I've been married to my beautiful wife for 9 years. Today marks 10 years since we first met. I've been smitten with her every single day since. She's an amazingly smart, caring and beautiful woman. We have 3 children aged 5 and twins who recently turned 2. All boys. Over the past 6 months I've noticed changes in my wife. She's become waaayyy more obsessed in her appearance and has been emotionally distancing herself from me. Since the kids, we have been through a lot together, and she had barely coped with them. Se doesn't work, but I do very hard to support our family. Anyway, her gym instructor (who is also married) and owns the gym, has become quite close with her. I was becoming uncomfortable with how he'd text her sometimes, and was getting a little too chummy. I think highly unprofessional, and some of his texts were too personal. We'd started fighting about their friendship. I should say that my wife is also good friends with his wife. Anyway, fast forward over the next few months I'd become a nutcase. She'd become very secretive. Spent hours at the gym, had her phone locked and on silent and constantly but casually checking it. I just knew something was going on. She'd constantly make excuses to leave the house at night to get milk or bread etc.... But would take an hour or more. I finally got it out of her that she had been sitting in the car talking to him. More and more came out that she had feelings for him, and they had been going to his place (while our 2 year olds were in the gym crèche) and having sex. All of this came to a head 1 month ago. I was crushed. Absolutely destroyed. Haven't been able to work properly, and I can barely function. I immediately assumed she'd end the affair and we'd try to figure things out. I was wrong. She wants to continue seeing him (and has been). I spent 4 weeks crying, grovelling, begging for her to come back to me... she's just so cold to me most of the time. But the times where I seem more laid back she will come hug me like there's nothing wrong?!? We still went away for Christmas and the first couple of days she spoke a lot of the future and hoping we will be ok, but the more clingy I got, the more she pulled away, to the point she openly spoke about missing him and couldn't wait to see him again. I finally moved out yesterday and we will be taking turns in staying in our home to look after the kids. The problem is that she says she loves me, but is not in love with me. I managed to convince her to see a marriage councillor yesterday and she said the same thing... That her feelings are too strong for the other guy to ignore. But after the session, she told me that things aren't over between us, and that she just needs to figure herself out. I'm afraid she only says these things to ensure I continue to give her the lifestyle she's become accustomed to - which has been pretty good. It's killing me. He has 2 kids as well. His wife seems to not care. She was apparently unhappy for a long time anyway and has been supportive of him (just weird). I guess I'm looking for some guidance. I can get past this. I know I can. But I need her to want us as well... Which she clearly doesn't right now. She's blaming me for being a bad husband for too long and not listening. My memories of our relationship are completely different. I felt we were very close - best friends. Should I leave her alone to figure herself out? Or should I be there for her? I dearly want to be there for her. Or should I let her miss me? I will still need to remain in contact because of our kids obviously... but other than that?
BetrayedH Posted January 5, 2013 Posted January 5, 2013 Brother, you are going to hear advice from this place that is going to be the exact opposite of what you heart wants to do. Many will advise you to just divorce her. It's obvious you aren't ready for that. However, if you want to save your marriage then you are going to have to do a complete 180 from what you have been doing up to this point. A great number of men have been where you are and have taken the same steps you have taken to try to win back the hearys of their wayward wives only to fail miserably. The simple fact is that your soft approach has completely stopped her from suffering any consequences for her actions. Your reaction has been a noble effort to save your marriage and is quite normal. But in doing so, your acceptance has made it a thousand times easier for her to continue her affair. You have to STOP accepting this affair in any way shape or form. If you want to save your marriage, your wife needs to face the cold, harsh reality of what life is going to be like. Against all of your instincts, you are going to have to stop softening the blow and you have to make this as completely uncomfortable as possible for her. She needs to suffer the consequences of her actions and hit rock bottom. If you stop that from happening, reconciling your marriage is hopeless AND you will lose any last shred of self-esteem you have in the process. So, what do you do? First and foremost, you need to do everything in your power to stop making decisions with your emotions and start making them with your head. A lot of us get how much pain you are in and how desperate you are to fix this. That desperation is exactly your problem right now. Infidelity is horribly damaging and we DO get that. Personally, I lost 38 lbs (25 in the first month), couldn't sleep, couldn't focus or think of anything but the affair, cried daily for months (hadn't for probably the 10 years prior), got told by three therapists that I had PTSD, went on antidepressants, etc.. I get it. What I can tell you is that you MUST, and eventually will, reach the point where you realize that you will ok on your own in this life. Your brain is so whacked out at the moment that you are accepting sharing your wife with another man. I don't say it to be cruel. I say it to demonstrate to you that making emotional decisions does not work. Did you ever envision in your life that you would accept such a condition in your marriage? No? Then shut down these emotional decisions that are failing you and get your head in the game. Next, you DO NOT move out of the marital home under any circumstances short of a freaking court order. Tell her today that you have changed your mind entirely on this subject. I don't care if you you paid a $2000 deposit on an apartment. If she wants to go pretend she is single when she's married, she is the one that leaves her husband and children at home to do it. What you really need is the courage to pack up her things and tell her to get the f uck out and go be with her OM. He can take care of her now and he sure as hell isn't coming into the marital home. You need to expose this affair to anyone and everyone that will listen. Tell your family to get their support and tell her family to solicit support from them to save your marriage and family. If you haven't spoken with the other man's wife personally, you need to do so immediately. This little fantasy affair bubble they are living in needs to burst and you need to make it as uncomfortable as possible for them to continue. They need to suffer the real life consequences of their actions. Stop shielding her from them. Tell every mutual friend you have ever had and show them what she is doing to her family. You need to see an attorney ASAP. At minimum, you need to know your rights and options. But your best bet is to retain his services and have him file for divorce as soon as humanly possible. I get that you don't want to divorce. You need to understand that her receiving those papers is your best bet of reality hitting her like a hammer in the middle of the forehead. IF she ends her affair, then you can always stop the proceedings. As for your interactions with her, you need to do what we call the '180.' No lovey dovey crap whatsoever. No sex. No talk of a personal nature whatsoever. Until she stops this affair, all she is to discuss with you is about the kids, shared finances, and the divorce. And you can do 99% of that by text and email. I'm going to stop here. Others will chime in. I'm going to leave you with one link for you to read to help get your head around how this stuff works. Read everything you can and start putting your damn foot down that this affair is not an acceptable condition. SurvivingInfidelity.com - Support for Those Affected by Infidelity Good luck. Keep reading and keep posting. 13
SidLyon Posted January 5, 2013 Posted January 5, 2013 I have to agree with this. It's very important that you communicate with the MOM's wife, as soon as possible. It would be very unusual that she doesn't care. I would recommend not warning your wife you are going to do this. It's a distinct possibility that she knows nothing about the full extent of the affair and that her H is telling your wife he is going to leave the BW for your wife. It is apparently fairly typical that MM pretends to an OW that his wife already knows. It's also possible your wife is telling you this to prevent you going to his wife. The reasons for this would be they both know deep down that once his wife has a d-day the situation will take a dramatic turn, and not necessarily in favour of the affair partners being together. From reading here on LS for many years, it seems that many MM will immediately throw the OW (married or not) under the bus once his wife has a full-on d-day. It's what happened in my case. My fWH told the OW I might already know or suspect the affair (I didn't!) and that I was deliberately turning a blind eye, providing it wasn't in my face (utter rubbish!). However d-d ay prompted a rather different reaction from him. It can't have been pleasant for her to be so suddenly dumped. 6
BetrayedH Posted January 5, 2013 Posted January 5, 2013 I have to agree with this. It's very important that you communicate with the MOM's wife, as soon as possible. It would be very unusual that she doesn't care. I would recommend not warning your wife you are going to do this. It's a distinct possibility that she knows nothing about the full extent of the affair and that her H is telling your wife he is going to leave the BW for your wife. It is apparently fairly typical that MM pretends to an OW that his wife already knows. It's also possible your wife is telling you this to prevent you going to his wife. The reasons for this would be they both know deep down that once his wife has a d-day the situation will take a dramatic turn, and not necessarily in favour of the affair partners being together. From reading here on LS for many years, it seems that many MM will immediately throw the OW (married or not) under the bus once his wife has a full-on d-day. It's what happened in my case. My fWH told the OW I might already know or suspect the affair (I didn't!) and that I was deliberately turning a blind eye, providing it wasn't in my face (utter rubbish!). However d-d ay prompted a rather different reaction from him. It can't have been pleasant for her to be so suddenly dumped. Yep. This ^^^ is fairly common. The married man lies both to his wife and his other woman. Something tells me your wife isn't the first woman the gym owner has shacked up with. He may have a well-versed routine. If your wife thinks the man's wife already knows, it gives your wife much more of a green light to have the affair with less guilt (and less chance she'll ever want to confront the betrayed wife - she would instead keep a respectful distance). But when the betrayed wife finds out the truth, the married man's whole house of cards comes tumbling down. He then blames your wife for seducing him, breaks off all contact with your wife, and begs his own wife for forgiveness. It's a horrendous blow to the other woman (your wife) because she was duped and threw away her life over it. She comes home with her tail between her legs. It's also horrible for you because it is then inescapable for you to accept that you were a second choice for her. 3
beenburned Posted January 5, 2013 Posted January 5, 2013 LD, Welcome! You've come to the right place to get great advise from people who have walked in your shoes. I am a long ago BW who was a SAHM when d-day happened. I quickly realized that I had to get a job to support myself if I wanted to divorce my WH. Your wife sounds very naive about her financial situation if you decide to divorce her! The majority of the states here in the US are no fault states. You would have to pay child support and probably some limited alimony until she gets on her feet financially. The house would probably have to be sold in order to divide the equity between the two of you. She needs to wake up and smell the coffee and you are going to make this happen by doing the 180 on her.(evil grin) Definitely have a consultation with a lawyer(some have free ones), and be sure to let her know you have an appointment with the lawyer. She needs to have the bejesus scared out of her to make her realize all she is going to lose! Keep reading here and post updates! Best of luck! P.S. H and I are still married many many years after d-day! He didn't just wake up and smell the coffee, he changed completely! 4
road Posted January 5, 2013 Posted January 5, 2013 If you want to stay married you must learn how to kill this affair. So get the book Survving An Affair by Dr Harley ASAP. To kill the affair you must expose it. Exposing is telling everyone about the affair that will bring negative pressure against WW and OM. Do not warn WW that you are going to expose or threaten that if WW does not stop her affair you will expose. That will do nothing but warn the WW and OM to spread lies doing damage control before you can get the truth out. Do not fear that WW will get mad at you if when you expose. They rage upon learning their affair is now outed. This display of anger is to get you to scared to do any more. This is why exposure must be done all at once. Remember a BH has not to fear his WW getting mad at him. What is WW going to do when she gets mad at being exposed go bang the OM? Wait, isn't WW already banging the OM? Exposure targets: WW parent and siblings. OMW and OM parents and siblings. This prevents the WW and OM from presenting each other as just meeing without any affair. Also expose them on FB. Copy and paste WW and OM contact lists. If OM has an FB account for his business copy and paste those as well. Save them on your PC and a thumb drive. Send out this simple message: WW and OM are having an affair. I'm trying to save my marriage and family so I need and appreciate your support to see this affair end. When posting through FB send and only send one message every full minute between each sending. FB will assume you are spaming if you send out to many messages and their software then will block you. As soon as OM sees his customers and friends know what is going on he will dump your WW. 1
Bryanp Posted January 5, 2013 Posted January 5, 2013 I think the following says it all: "they had been going to his place (while our 2 year olds were in the gym crèche) and having sex." 1. Contact the OM's wife immediately. 2. Get tested for STD's. 3. Contact an attorney at once to protect yourself and your children. At this point she is clearly using you to pay the bills. If the roles were reversed she would not put up with this so why are you.\? She has no respect for you or your marriage. If you do not respect yourself then who will? 1
Decorative Posted January 5, 2013 Posted January 5, 2013 If you want to stay married you must learn how to kill this affair. So get the book Survving An Affair by Dr Harley ASAP. To kill the affair you must expose it. Exposing is telling everyone about the affair that will bring negative pressure against WW and OM. Do not warn WW that you are going to expose or threaten that if WW does not stop her affair you will expose. That will do nothing but warn the WW and OM to spread lies doing damage control before you can get the truth out. Do not fear that WW will get mad at you if when you expose. They rage upon learning their affair is now outed. This display of anger is to get you to scared to do any more. This is why exposure must be done all at once. Remember a BH has not to fear his WW getting mad at him. What is WW going to do when she gets mad at being exposed go bang the OM? Wait, isn't WW already banging the OM? Exposure targets: WW parent and siblings. OMW and OM parents and siblings. This prevents the WW and OM from presenting each other as just meeing without any affair. Also expose them on FB. Copy and paste WW and OM contact lists. If OM has an FB account for his business copy and paste those as well. Save them on your PC and a thumb drive. Send out this simple message: WW and OM are having an affair. I'm trying to save my marriage and family so I need and appreciate your support to see this affair end. When posting through FB send and only send one message every full minute between each sending. FB will assume you are spaming if you send out to many messages and their software then will block you. As soon as OM sees his customers and friends know what is going on he will dump your WW. For FB exposure - you can also add multiple recipients to the same message- and not trigger the spam filter, especially if you have a longstanding account. If you are not friends with the people you contact - you will likely go into their other messages folder in their inbox- which will not be easily seen on a mobile device, but will pop right up on a PC login to FB.
Mickey_Fitzpatrick Posted January 5, 2013 Posted January 5, 2013 See the pattern? Clingy is not good. Begging is not good. I bet the gym instructor is not begging or clingy. Truth is, your marriage may be over already, your wife may never come back, even if she ends the affair. There are people who claim to have reconciled after an affair like you describe, where the wife realizes she made a bad decision. File for divorce. That is the first step. Respect yourself enough not to put up with this from someone who took vows with you. Detach from her. Talk to her only about the kids or the divorce. She cheated, ask her to move out. You should STOP LEAVING YOUR OWN HOUSE. Let her go live on her own if she doesn't want to live in the same house as you. There is no reason you should leave your own house because she is having an affair. The situation you describe, her living separately from you, will result in the affair lasting FOREVER. Other man and your wife both are very happy with this situation. They have built-in babysitters. She has you to provide a nice lifestyle. I bet other man could not provide that for her. With him she has "I love yous" and great sex. Living in the land of unicorns and rainbows as they say. She doesn't have to pick up his dirty underwear off the floor, she doesn't have to clean his bathroom, or change diapers while she is with him - with him is NOT REALITY. When you FILE FOR DIVORCE, and tell her you are not willing to tolerate the status quo any longer, what will happen is that she will be FORCED to CHOOSE. Either you will get a chance to work on your marriage or you will proceed to divorce. You will get to where you are going that much faster and spare yourself that much more pain.
Mickey_Fitzpatrick Posted January 5, 2013 Posted January 5, 2013 Who knows about the affair? Other man's wife? Your family? They must know if you are not living together, correct? What do they all have to say about her affair with the other man? What do her parents and your parents think about it? 1
Rocket Man Posted January 6, 2013 Posted January 6, 2013 How about telling the gym owner what happened and if the gym is a national chain such as "Gold's," I would tell the home office what is going on. Many gyms now promote family fitness in a safe environment and try to distance themselves from the "meat market" atmosphere. Hit his dumb ass in the pocket book while you also rat him out to his wife. Also, the other women he trains I'm sure will be upset at his behavior because it is a breach of trust.
Author loving-devotion Posted January 6, 2013 Author Posted January 6, 2013 Thank you all so so much for your messages. I should say that his wife definitely knows about it all. She initially was quite upset, but seems to be fine now. I've met with her a few times to talk and support each other a little, but I'm pretty sure she had checked out of their marriage a while ago. Most (actually all) of our friends and family know too. Most devistated. She lost most of her good friends as a result which is very sad. I did a stupid thing last night and drunk dialed her early in the morning... I know I know worst idea ever. But I kept it casual and spoke how I'm starting to come to terms with it more. She went on a date with him last night and apparently just wanted to go home. That's what she told me anyway. She seems to be getting more and more down. I think the pressure is making her crack a little. I said I'd back off and just let her figure herself out... In my mind at the time I'd started to accept things might not be salvageable from my standpoint now either. Then this morning I received a bit of a shock text message. She said that my phone call really hit a nerve and she's feeling so down. She also said reality is starting to kick in, and she'd talk in a few days and ended with a xo I don't know what that means. I would file for divorce, but here in Australia you need to be legally separated for 12 months before you can apply. It's going to be a hard 12 months. I guess if I do the 180, focus on myself and see what unfolds over the next few days things might turn around a little. God I miss her, but starting to hate her too for what she's done to our family. Arrrggghhh :/
BetrayedH Posted January 6, 2013 Posted January 6, 2013 Keep reading. Keep studying. It takes a long time to understand that you cannot "nice them" back. I really hate to say things that are gender specific but there is a difference between men's affairs and women's affairs. I believe that (generally) a woman likely checked out of her marriage long before entering into an affair. Somewhere along the line, she built up a lot of resentment toward you (perhaps by no fault of your own whatsoever) to the point where she no longer respected you. That lack of respect is a critical thing to understand when it comes to getting her back. Begging, pleading, crying - all of these things make her respect you even less as a man. A woman cannot love a man that she doesn't respect. And she cannot respect a man that she can treat like a doormat. You must show her strength, resolve, and leadership. You don't have to be cruel but you must be firm. You must set clear boundaries about what you are willing to accept. And you must follow-thru on consequences for unacceptable behavior. It's a very tall order for a man that would do anything to restore his family. You will certainly make mistakes along the way. Don't crucify yourself for them. You didn't ask for this. But keep learning and you will find your path. It will be gradual but you will find your way out of this. You will survive and in many ways, you're going to discover strengths within you that never existed before. You will rebuild your life, with or without her. Keep your integrity. Keep your self-respect. Get smarter. Get stronger. Get more decisive about what is best for you and your children. Be confident in yourself. Lead this family to a better place regardless of what bull**** your wife continues to pull. 1
Author loving-devotion Posted January 6, 2013 Author Posted January 6, 2013 Yeah he's been exposed. I think a lot of the mothers are angry but I don't care about his life... I just want mine back She messages me before and asked if I would talk to her. I said ok. She says that she's feeling very flat and depressed about everything. I think it's all really affecting her. I asked if she "regrets" anything to which she replied "no, not regret". I don't know if I should be cutting her off completely, or folding up, accepting I've lost my life partner and starting to proceed completely removing her from my life as much as I can... or if I should be comforting her and being strong and there for her. It's all very confusing.
road Posted January 6, 2013 Posted January 6, 2013 (edited) Most (actually all) of our friends and family know too. Most devistated. She lost most of her good friends as a result which is very sad. Relying on the rumor mill is not doing an exposure. Do that FB exposure today before you go anywhere. You respond vauge. Does OMW know: she should know. Have OM, WW have been exposed: They know is given instead of who exactly has been exposed and how they have been exposed implies you have not done a thorough effort. Such as doing a FB exposure. Work place exposure. Edited January 6, 2013 by road
Steadfast Posted January 6, 2013 Posted January 6, 2013 ...I don't care about his life... I just want mine back It's common to feel this way when the wounds are still fresh. As Kipp pointed out earlier, you're still very much in shock. If we smash our thumb with a hammer our instinct is to shake our hand wildly, trying to make the pain go away. In time however, we learn what really must be done to allow it to heal. Not now, but sometime very soon you'll have to face the rest of your life. Is it a life with her, or without? You want what you had 'back' but you must realize that life and that marriage is gone forever. No going back. Innocence and/or fidelity can only be broken once. In time, you'll see this. She messages me before and asked if I would talk to her. I said ok. She says that she's feeling very flat and depressed about everything. I think it's all really affecting her. I asked if she "regrets" anything to which she replied "no, not regret". That's because she's thinking about and wants him, not you. You're wanting her to feel regret about what she's done to you and your marriage, but she's been over that for quite some time. You are an ear to listen and a shoulder to cry on. Would it help if I told you I've been there? I don't know if I should be cutting her off completely, or folding up, accepting I've lost my life partner and starting to proceed completely removing her from my life as much as I can... or if I should be comforting her and being strong and there for her. It's all very confusing. Your instinct is to love, care and protect the person you love, but her instinct is the same. The confusing part is dealing with the reality that you want her, and she wants him. When you come to terms with this, you won't be confused about what to do, and how you fit in. You want to save 'you' and she wants to save 'them'. That's the score.
Darren Steez Posted January 6, 2013 Posted January 6, 2013 Yeah he's been exposed. I think a lot of the mothers are angry but I don't care about his life... I just want mine back She messages me before and asked if I would talk to her. I said ok. She says that she's feeling very flat and depressed about everything. I think it's all really affecting her. I asked if she "regrets" anything to which she replied "no, not regret". I don't know if I should be cutting her off completely, or folding up, accepting I've lost my life partner and starting to proceed completely removing her from my life as much as I can... or if I should be comforting her and being strong and there for her. It's all very confusing. What's confusing about another man porking your wife and that she wanted a relationship with him and you are second choice? All you are getting are words, little rays of hope to keep you on the hook, buddy she knows you better than you know yourself. So she's sleeping with and seeing him whilst telling you she's confused and flat? Meanwhile these little rays of hope are just filtering through lighting up the darkness briefly. Maybe he's getting cold feet and she's sensing this and using you as a fall back. Who knows? What is certain is you need to stop acting like such a wet blanket, the begging, the crying the calling her up you answering her calls whenever she calls STOP STOP STOP Now be a freaking MAN!! Christ buddy man up, you are a provider, you get things done! A man has come into your home and picked your wife up on his shoulder and strode out the door with you holding on to his leg kicking and begging while he drags you along!! Separate finances, don't support her lifestyle. She wants him let her have him, but you're not supporting her. Take some control back of your life. She's hurting, she's confused, she's flat, has she asked how you're doing, how you feel when she visits him and has sex with him? When they are making love where are you in her thoughts? Seriously and this is the woman you're begging for back? What does she respect in that? Come on buddy, time to 180 and start working on yourself and stop being such a weak doormat
Mickey_Fitzpatrick Posted January 6, 2013 Posted January 6, 2013 I did a stupid thing last night and drunk dialed her early in the morning... I know I know worst idea ever. But I kept it casual and spoke how I'm starting to come to terms with it more. She went on a date with him last night and apparently just wanted to go home. That's what she told me anyway. She seems to be getting more and more down. I think the pressure is making her crack a little. I said I'd back off and just let her figure herself out... In my mind at the time I'd started to accept things might not be salvageable from my standpoint now either. Then this morning I received a bit of a shock text message. She said that my phone call really hit a nerve and she's feeling so down. She also said reality is starting to kick in, and she'd talk in a few days and ended with a xo I don't know what that means. I would file for divorce, but here in Australia you need to be legally separated for 12 months before you can apply. It's going to be a hard 12 months. I guess if I do the 180, focus on myself and see what unfolds over the next few days things might turn around a little. God I miss her, but starting to hate her too for what she's done to our family. Arrrggghhh :/ Your wife is a CAKE EATER. She WANTS BOTH you and other man. One of you is not enough. YOUR CALL hit her where it hurts. Now she is afraid she might be losing you. So what action does she take? Try to give you a little hope, try to reel you back in, try to keep you on the hook. Trying to tell you, "don't give up on me, you still have a chance." SHE NEEDS YOU. She is NOT any closer to choosing you. Just trying to keep you from detaching and not caring about her. She gets off on having both you and other man interested in her. If you put the screws to her, made her choose between you and him, then she either would choose you or choose him - but at least you would be out of this pain of being in limbo and you could either start to work on your marriage or move on without her. As it is, she will do this to you FOREVER. She will NEVER CHOOSE unless you make her. Also, yes, she did sleep with him last night. To tell you otherwise would have pushed you away, and your call had her uneasy about losing you, so she had to lie about having sex with other man. She has sex with him every time she sees him. If she didn't, he would lose interest very quickly. He already has a wife at home not to have sex with, he doesn't need another pain-in-the-butt fog-headed woman for that. The only reason he is putting up with your wife's fogginess is because she is giving him sex. Notice how other man is not leaving his wife?
Mickey_Fitzpatrick Posted January 6, 2013 Posted January 6, 2013 Also, forgot to ask: Are you "legally separated" yet? Has the clock begun to tick on the 12 months you have to wait to file for divorce? If not, why not?
Author loving-devotion Posted January 7, 2013 Author Posted January 7, 2013 Hey guys, Wow... Thanks for all of the great support!! I woke up today feeling the usual grim self... then as I sat for my coffee at work, I received a text from her asking about money again. I ignored, and then she asked if she could call me. I said sure but had to be quick. Same thing as last night. "I'm so confused and lonely" blah blah...... then, it hit me. I am so over this. Why should I be her leaning post??? Boom. The 180. But stronger. I said that unless it was about the kids, not to contact me in any way shape or form. Told her that I want to sell everything and she should see a lawyer immediately as I will be. Tears from her ensued. She wasn't ready to make any decisions. I just said there weren't any to be made. I'm not longer an option. I said that if she contacts me and says the other guy is 100% out of her life, and she wants to try fixing us, then I would see where I'm at. But from now on, she's on her own. I'm gone. I saw our marriage councillor today and told him and he thinks a great idea too. Funnily enough, she booked an urgent session with him tomorrow I discovered. So I've hit a chord. Just going to stick by my guns. The truth is, the way she's been carrying on I've lost so much respect I truly am starting to simply not care. The next few days will be interesting. I've been ignoring her texts and just trying to keep occupied. I'll keep you guys posted. Thank you all again for your awesome messages Steve 5
Darren Steez Posted January 7, 2013 Posted January 7, 2013 Hey guys, Wow... Thanks for all of the great support!! I woke up today feeling the usual grim self... then as I sat for my coffee at work, I received a text from her asking about money again. I ignored, and then she asked if she could call me. I said sure but had to be quick. Same thing as last night. "I'm so confused and lonely" blah blah...... then, it hit me. I am so over this. Why should I be her leaning post??? Boom. The 180. But stronger. I said that unless it was about the kids, not to contact me in any way shape or form. Told her that I want to sell everything and she should see a lawyer immediately as I will be. Tears from her ensued. She wasn't ready to make any decisions. I just said there weren't any to be made. I'm not longer an option. I said that if she contacts me and says the other guy is 100% out of her life, and she wants to try fixing us, then I would see where I'm at. But from now on, she's on her own. I'm gone. I saw our marriage councillor today and told him and he thinks a great idea too. Funnily enough, she booked an urgent session with him tomorrow I discovered. So I've hit a chord. Just going to stick by my guns. The truth is, the way she's been carrying on I've lost so much respect I truly am starting to simply not care. The next few days will be interesting. I've been ignoring her texts and just trying to keep occupied. I'll keep you guys posted. Thank you all again for your awesome messages Steve That should even be on the table because all she will do is take it further underground. Yes you have made a bold move but you're still the same dude believe it or not and she knows this. She'll break you down bit by bit, tell you she's broken off with OM, feed you hope. 180 is not about her but about you. So no more if you break it off with OM I'll see where I'm at. She should be begging to put things right, she should want to end it. SHE KNOWS YOU BETTER THAN YOU KNOW YOURSELF. This won't be something fixed in a matter of days, be prepared for the long haul
Author loving-devotion Posted January 8, 2013 Author Posted January 8, 2013 Ok, so a quick update... She saw the therapist yesterday. He thinks she really needs time to sort herself out. I honestly believe she's in a real mess. She told me that she loves the other guy, and wants to be with him, but still can't let me go. I said I'd just leave her alone to figure things out for a couple of months. Meanwhile, I'll work on myself. I did discover though that they had indeed still been having sex. What I don't understand is how she can say she loves him, but will also put him down a lot to me. I wonder if she's going through some mental mid-life thing. We had dinner last night and we got along really well... she was very open with me, and did say she still feels for me, but can't get him out of her mind either. She won't understand the whole fog thing coming from me - and didn't seem to listen to the therapist either. I'm thinking - 10 years, 3 kids, and a hell of a lot of love and memories we've shared. I'm just going to give her that space now for a couple of months. If she chooses him I will feel so sorry for her as I know one day she will regret her decision... she's admitted herself even that she can't see a long-term future with him. I guess time will tell.
Darren Steez Posted January 8, 2013 Posted January 8, 2013 Well done pal, she has dinner with you then goes and bangs him later at night. Best of both worlds. Congrats on being such an understanding guy. Good luck to you.
Bryanp Posted January 8, 2013 Posted January 8, 2013 No consequences to her actions equals no motivation to change. If the roles were reversed would she be putting up with such humiliating behavior from you? Your wife tells you she loves the OM and continues to have sex with him and you tell her it is all right to find yourself for a few months. Unbelievable. You judge a person by their actions and not by their words and her actions speaks volumes. You are the backup if things go wrong. Please contact an attorney immediately to understand your options. You are her second choice. She no longer has any respect for you. If you do not respect yourself then who will?
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