zebracolors Posted January 6, 2013 Posted January 6, 2013 Do you want a committed r-ship with him, an un-open to others connection? Or for things to just continue as they are going? In the event it does turn into an exclusive relationship. You've brushed aside advances from all the guys you dance with anyway right? Are you in dance classes or is this just going to clubs and dancing? You can dance with people and keep it platonic. you have to set some boundaries for your dance partners. Of course granted it is ultimately your decision to stop dancing. But you sound like you're worried you might feel tempted to cheat on him down the road, with a dancer, even though you said you'd never cheat on him. Because you said yourself you still get to know the guys you dance with over time. But if thats not the case, why stop dancing? And maybe this is causing you to worry that if you keep on dancing, he'll never want to be in an exclusive relationship with you. Don't you think this ultimatum seems a bit off? It just seems like you're ready for exclusivity, but he isn't. And others here think he'll never be. But I tell you what. Do as Ninja suggests and have the exclusivity talk with him. And if you get a chance, come back and let us know how it went. If we're wrong, we're wrong, and I'll concede. 2
Author Alia_alia Posted January 6, 2013 Author Posted January 6, 2013 Do you want a committed r-ship with him, an un-open to others connection? Or for things to just continue as they are going? In the event it does turn into an exclusive relationship. You've brushed aside advances from all the guys you dance with anyway right? Are you in dance classes or is this just going to clubs and dancing? You can dance with people and keep it platonic. you have to set some boundaries for your dance partners. Of course granted it is ultimately your decision to stop dancing. But you sound like you're worried you might feel tempted to cheat on him down the road, with a dancer, even though you said you'd never cheat on him. Because you said yourself you still get to know the guys you dance with over time. But if thats not the case, why stop dancing? And maybe this is causing you to worry that if you keep on dancing, he'll never want to be in an exclusive relationship with you. Don't you think this ultimatum seems a bit off? It just seems like you're ready for exclusivity, but he isn't. And others here think he'll never be. But I tell you what. Do as Ninja suggests and have the exclusivity talk with him. And if you get a chance, come back and let us know how it went. If we're wrong, we're wrong, and I'll concede. It was a dance class in a club at first, then you go there and practice every week. Hmm so it's a club but plays latin music and people who go there are mainly dancers / wannabe dancers (me), although there s a few randoms. I am not worried that I ll be tempted (I have a clean 6 year record ), but I mainly wanna reassure him that I am a faithful good girl. I would be interested if you have any ideas as to boundaries I could set to myself, to mainly prove him that I care about him. Point being since, he will be giving me the gift of not sleeping with other people (which is mainly reassurance that he's invested totally in me), I would wanna do something so as to show him that he is where my world is at and wants to be at. (Im trying to think of boundaries I can set, but I can't think of many. Like when guys hit on me, I brush them off, but they keep being cheesy and sweet talking to me, and I'm not sure I can stop that.) Haha, I will down the road, probably in a month or 2 from now. (Like I said we've planned vacations and other adventures that I wouldn't wanna miss in any case ). I just got into this mood of venting, cuz right now he left for holidays to go visit his parents, so you know how it is, I haven't seen him in 2 weeks and the brain starts thinking too much
SOLACEMENT Posted January 6, 2013 Posted January 6, 2013 If she is dating the guys that she is dancing with - it is the same as him going to the bar and picking up girls. She is using her hobby do get male attraction. I don't think you should stop dancing since you will later resent it but you need better boundaries if you want a relationship with any guy. 1
outsidethebox Posted January 6, 2013 Posted January 6, 2013 ...I kind of wanna bring up the relationship discussion but I am afraid I ll push him away.... ...Would me stopping dancing (although I love it), make a step forward toward the relationship? I am an older guy, total rookie at this, but thought your scenario was interesting. In my opinion you would consider giving up social dancing to justify there's no good reason for him not to commit to a relationship with you. Except you don't really think there's any necessity for doing that, and probably right. You would quit doing something you love and then expect him to change his ways, and that is not going to end well. I don't know much about relationships, married for a few years long ago, that's why I'm on here to see what people are saying, but he wouldn't be at bars meeting other women if he wanted to see only you, and asking him not to instead of him deciding that's what he wants to do isn't going to change that. Especially if you give up dancing so he has no excuse and you're harboring a grudge about it, no matter how well intentioned you meant it to be. The direct answer to your question is, no, giving up dancing and sitting around and hoping he takes the hint isn't going to make it a committed relationship. And no one would understand as well as you the sacrifice you're making in the attempt. The real question is, if he said he wanted to commit to you fully so would you give up dancing with other people, would you feel that was fair? And even if you did, would you develop resentment over it. I think you would. I guess my question would be why do you want to change the way things currently are?
Author Alia_alia Posted January 6, 2013 Author Posted January 6, 2013 I think I phrased myself wrongly at the beginning. Please read my later posts for more clarification. I know things are going into a relationship direction. He just is afraid to commit and I am venting. Che sara sara : ). You're right things are pretty good the way they are. Even though it might sound wrong, I am pretty open minded and I don't care if he hooks up with other girls, as long as he makes me a priority, which he has. He doesn't really go to bars, but he has a huge social circle with party people and he goes to social parties often and sometimes it happens, Why I brought this up if I'm happy with things the way they are? Idk, maybe just venting, maybe I just love him and we've been steadily rising and peaking at our connection, so I am just wondering what else is there left.
outsidethebox Posted January 6, 2013 Posted January 6, 2013 well what else is that committed relationship you want to bring up but don't want to scare him off over And the question in the likelihood that he would want you to stop socially dancing of what would you do? It's a good question. I don't know the answer.
todreaminblue Posted January 6, 2013 Posted January 6, 2013 (edited) So long story short I've been casually seeing this one guy for about 5 months now. I've known him for 4 years before that and he has never been committed to anyone / tells me he believes in open relationships etc. However lately we've been really good together and I swear he has lots of feelings for me too. (Once when we were having sex, he told me I made him nervous ). He's also made me forget my 5 year long ex and other guys who I was considering. Now we're planning a short vacation together and I am not sure what I wanna do. I kind of wanna bring up the relationship discussion but I am afraid I ll push him away. PS: I also dance a lot of salsa / rumba / merengue. And he tells me that he thinks me dancing salsa with other men it's the same as him hooking up with other women. We're both seeking somekind of validation deep down and it's not a problem since we choose to be together (and we're not forced by some kind of contract). Would me stopping dancing (although I love it), make a step forward toward the relationship? I am really at a loss here. Someone help me figure this stuff out. An open relationship is not like taking a salsa class. I think you should have the relationship talk and I feel personally if a guy says to you I want an open relationship , how much further is pushing them away, that is already there that push and it isnt from you if he wants an open relationship he is already not committed, cant get further away from commitment than an open relationship. As far as the rumba and salsa goes, they are dances based on physicality and sex between two people,seduction is rife in these dances, there are quite a few dances that are, dancing to me is an expression, and most of the time its passion and love, sometimes anger,sexual frustration sometimes sadness, dancing is expressive physically, mentally, emotionally, good dancers dance from their heart, you can have two left feet, be accident prone fall over every time you spin, but if you do it with passion, then the bloopers become non existent even add to the air of kamikaze hood....lol...you dance like you just dont care what happens swept away in the moment and the musicality.....thats a dance Personally I dont dance couples dances unless i am a couple or part of a couple, the holds are intimate in most cases,in those two dances there is a lot of caressing going on, I will repeat, salsa is not an open relationship and it comes down to what you are comfortable with a guy holding, i guess when you dance....i am a back off bud invasion alert alert....smilin..... Have the talk with your boyfriend make it clear what you expect want or wish for in regards to progression of your relationship.To me, if you are going to rumba and he doesnt like it when you rumba,samba, salsa two step quick step barn dance with other guys, tell him to come with and hold you the way you want to be held.show him how you can make it worth his while with a saucy move...;0)....best wishes...hugs to yar.... and dance like you just dont care and keep dancing if he doesnt want to do the classes with you and have an open relationship and do the horizontal rumba with other dancers on his dance card....keep dancing the quick step with someone new who can hold you and appreciate all that you do.....deb Edited January 6, 2013 by todreaminblue 2
Author Alia_alia Posted January 7, 2013 Author Posted January 7, 2013 Ok so quick update. He landed yesterday and we hung out. I had bought him some supplements as a new year present (he's really big into working out) and he had done this really cute handmade thing, which links to a TV show we're both passionate about. Everything went mostly fine. We discussed a bit "us". he said he didn't know where this was going just knew he had deep feelings and cared a lot about me. We talked a bit about me dancing and him hooking up. He pretty much said it's not a big deal for him to stop hooking up with other girls. However we have to realize what we both want. He told me there's different kind of relations people are in that can range, from swingers / open relationships, to the most conservative type (i.e his parents), where none of the partners would EVER dance with someone else, or flirt with another person. So he basically said I have to figure out where we want to be and how close we want to be into eachother's lives. I honestly don't know the answer. (that's why Im writing here.) Also as a postupdate, during the holidays, I always initiated the "Merry Christmas" and "Happy New Year" messages, which he replied to pretty fast saying "He hopes Im having some great adventures". He never said "I miss you" or something like that. Am I thinking about this too much?
Divasu Posted January 7, 2013 Posted January 7, 2013 He pretty much said it's not a big deal for him to stop hooking up with other girls.? Well that's very nice of him. So he basically said I have to figure out where we want to be and how close we want to be into eachother's lives. Why are you the only one who has to 'figure it out'. Am I thinking about this too much? No, I think you are barking up the wrong tree... Do you believe in 'open relationships'? IF you do not, do not compromise. Because in the end, you won't lose him, you'll lose YOURSELF. 1
Author Alia_alia Posted January 8, 2013 Author Posted January 8, 2013 Well that's very nice of him. can't tell if you're being sarcastic. Why are you the only one who has to 'figure it out'. He said we both have to figure it out (and see if we both want the same thing). He pretty much said that if we are a couple couple (which he hasn't since he was 18), then he wouldn't flirt with anyone else and be very rigid to all his lady friends (who are into him) and I should do the same, meaning no dancing or maybe have some kind of sacred rule when it comes to dancing with guys (i.e. - I'm thinking maybe something like, just dance, don't develop a conversation with any of them beyond that, although I find it hard since people are social and they talk.) It's like a stay, or all in mentality. 0s and 1s... that's how guys thing. The way I see it, it's either about building a strong future together or live in the present. No, I think you are barking up the wrong tree... Do you believe in 'open relationships'? I honestly don't know. After I got out of my 6 yr long relationship, I started going on little dates with different guys. Started hooking up with this guy and he was the main influence that made me go out and have fun and not think too much about "the future", but be in the moment and do whatever I wanted. He was one of the main reasons I started smiling again... a lot and never ever asked for something out of me. I did hook up with another guy while I was away from him in the summer, but I told him and he seemed perfectly OK with it. And I know it may sound crazy but I'm in love with him and his nonchalant ways.
FitChick Posted January 8, 2013 Posted January 8, 2013 Why doesn't he take dancing lessons and then you can go dancing together? Tell him dancing is a good cardio workout. He can see what you get up to at the club and might not be so paranoid. Sometimes imagination is worse than reality. If you are exclusive, he should introduce you to his "lady friends" and make it clear to them that you are now his girlfriend. You can do the same when you take him to the club. 1
Divasu Posted January 8, 2013 Posted January 8, 2013 I honestly don't know. After I got out of my 6 yr long relationship, I started going on little dates with different guys. Started hooking up with this guy and he was the main influence that made me go out and have fun and not think too much about "the future", but be in the moment and do whatever I wanted. He was one of the main reasons I started smiling again... a lot and never ever asked for something out of me. I did hook up with another guy while I was away from him in the summer, but I told him and he seemed perfectly OK with it. And I know it may sound crazy but I'm in love with him and his nonchalant ways. I don't know, this guy just doesn't sound like someone I would trust nor want to risk getting into a relationship with. But, I'm not dating him. You are. Maybe do what Fitchick said, see how it goes.
Author Alia_alia Posted January 8, 2013 Author Posted January 8, 2013 this guy just doesn't sound like someone I would trust I still don't understand why. (Like what might I have said to describe him like such an *******). He's so caring in his own way. I think you should come and grab a coffee with us and see for yourself that he's just a genuine down to earth guy. EDIT: And yes what FitChick says sounds very reasonable. Im just wondering what are the best boundaries to set. Maybe, just never allow myself to talk to guys one-on-one at the club outside of the dancing.
Divasu Posted January 8, 2013 Posted January 8, 2013 I still don't understand why. (Like what might I have said to describe him like such an *******). I never referred to him as an "*******", he just doesn't sound trustworthy to me based on: he has never been committed to anyone he believes in open relationships he thinks me dancing salsa with other men it's the same as him hooking up with other women Dancing salsa is NOT the same as hooking up. It's dancing. You're not kissing, you're not naked with each other rubbing body parts all over each other and inserting them into certain places.
nds522 Posted January 8, 2013 Posted January 8, 2013 (edited) Just read the updates..so should probably change my answer that you should just talk to him about it...lol. I think him saying you need to decide is pretty positive sign....he is saying he is willing to try this commitment thing out-but he needs to know if you are willing to as well. I think if you are trying to be with just one person, it's good to not put yourself into compromising situations (I try to not be alone with guys friends or talk to them too much every day etc) Sounds like a good idea. Will you guys be able to do it? I don't know. Especially if he has never had a relationship. However, not putting yourself in tempting situations is a good idea. If he is willing to go with you to the dancing I'd think that is a good way to compromise. If not, you have to ask yourself what is more important....dancing and making him uncomfortable, or trying to pursue a relationship with him? Good luck either way!! I hope it works out. I'll add that I don't think he is a bad guy for liking open relationships-I can really care about someone and be interested in more than one person. However, if it bothers someone I really care about I'd be willing to settle down with just that person if they wanted me to if I *really* liked them a lot. Edited January 8, 2013 by nds522 1
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