Alia_alia Posted January 5, 2013 Posted January 5, 2013 So long story short I've been casually seeing this one guy for about 5 months now. I've known him for 4 years before that and he has never been committed to anyone / tells me he believes in open relationships etc. However lately we've been really good together and I swear he has lots of feelings for me too. (Once when we were having sex, he told me I made him nervous ). He's also made me forget my 5 year long ex and other guys who I was considering. Now we're planning a short vacation together and I am not sure what I wanna do. I kind of wanna bring up the relationship discussion but I am afraid I ll push him away. PS: I also dance a lot of salsa / rumba / merengue. And he tells me that he thinks me dancing salsa with other men it's the same as him hooking up with other women. We're both seeking somekind of validation deep down and it's not a problem since we choose to be together (and we're not forced by some kind of contract). Would me stopping dancing (although I love it), make a step forward toward the relationship? I am really at a loss here. Someone help me figure this stuff out.
Vercetti Posted January 5, 2013 Posted January 5, 2013 He told you he " believes " in a open relationship. Then he trys to justify sleeping with other women, cause you have a salsa class. The only way he could have a issue with your class is if you two are exclusive and serious and some guy in class was pulling moves on you. With the few things you wrote, I don't think he is the one. Heck google open relationship, that's the last thing would want to hear from someone wish to have a future with. 3
Author Alia_alia Posted January 5, 2013 Author Posted January 5, 2013 I have an open mind about things and we're just having fun and we share with each other everything. I tell him when I get hit on in the salsa club I go to or go to dates with other guys who buy me drinks/dinner and he teases me about them. He tells me about the girls that he's flirting with and once in a while has sex with and I tease him about them. I am honestly not furious about it since he's been very honest from the start. However I know (don't ask me how) that things have developed differently lately. I can tell it from the way we share our intimate moments and we're also planning this vacation together... not things you do with Friends with benefits... And my question about my dancing is rather, if we end up being exclusive and he asks me to give up should I?
naomii Posted January 5, 2013 Posted January 5, 2013 All he wants is to control you so he can still have you when he wants you. Trust me i went through the same thing for 3 years. He doesnt want to be with you, there is no future with him. Move on if you want more than an open relationship. 1
Vercetti Posted January 5, 2013 Posted January 5, 2013 If exclusive, I wouldn't find a guy not wanting his girlfriend dancing with men that hit on her unexpected. Not saying what you should do, just under the exclusive circumstance the request wouldn't be out of line; choice would be yours...salsa class or boyfriend. Up to you to figure whats more important for your life. Black and white all or nothings can be extremely hard calls.
zebracolors Posted January 6, 2013 Posted January 6, 2013 PS: I also dance a lot of salsa / rumba / merengue. And he tells me that he thinks me dancing salsa with other men it's the same as him hooking up with other women. We're both seeking somekind of validation deep down and it's not a problem since we choose to be together (and we're not forced by some kind of contract). Would me stopping dancing (although I love it), make a step forward toward the relationship? I am really at a loss here. Someone help me figure this stuff out. I know those kinds of dances appear very intimate, but isn't it just a dance? Maybe I don't understand, but how is having a dance with a guy the same as having sex? Im just trying to understand his logic here. You also said "he believes in open relationships" yet he's worried about you dancing with other men? Honestly Im with Naomii on this, and i feel like you shouldn't have to choose between your love of dancing and this guy. If he was really wanting a true r-ship with you, and really cared don't you think he he'd support your dancing?
Treasa Posted January 6, 2013 Posted January 6, 2013 I had a boyfriend get jealous of me because a bunch of guys in our weapons class (ok, all of them) would come talk to me after each class. I was the only female in the room, the shortest by far, and everyone just likes to tease me and give me a hard time. There was no flirting going on. I think his excuses are BS.
Author Alia_alia Posted January 6, 2013 Author Posted January 6, 2013 if he doesn't want you to dance with others, something you enjoy... RUN AWAY NOW he sounds like an arsehole He's not. He's very logical. He always supported me seeing other people while we were casual. I could tell him about everything I was doing and he would not get much affected, something I found really rare. He never said "Do not dance", but his words not mine: He thinks that me dancing with strangers constantly is the same as him going to the bar to pick up girls. There's a level of intimacy in the dance and a chance to connect to a broad range of people in an emotional, comfortable and physical. He says he is not worried at all about the physical side, but more about the fact that I am constantly opening myself to meeting other people and therefore he should be able to meet other people too. He confidently believes that I go to this club to meet guys and dance WITH guys and it gives me some kind of subconscious validation (I am pretty good looking so I get hit on often ). Honestly a part of me is starting to think he is right. As for player / not player, I know he's not the "very serious" type of guy, but I am 99% sure he's in love with me and I am sure I am in love with. I am 24 he's 23. I am confused...
naomii Posted January 6, 2013 Posted January 6, 2013 He's not. He's very logical. He always supported me seeing other people while we were casual. I could tell him about everything I was doing and he would not get much affected, something I found really rare. He never said "Do not dance", but his words not mine: He thinks that me dancing with strangers constantly is the same as him going to the bar to pick up girls. There's a level of intimacy in the dance and a chance to connect to a broad range of people in an emotional, comfortable and physical. He says he is not worried at all about the physical side, but more about the fact that I am constantly opening myself to meeting other people and therefore he should be able to meet other people too. He confidently believes that I go to this club to meet guys and dance WITH guys and it gives me some kind of subconscious validation (I am pretty good looking so I get hit on often ). Honestly a part of me is starting to think he is right. As for player / not player, I know he's not the "very serious" type of guy, but I am 99% sure he's in love with me and I am sure I am in love with. I am 24 he's 23. I am confused... he's not in love with you. he wouldnt want to see/have sex with other women and remain in an open relationship if he was. he just doesnt want to commit but is worried that you will find someone else and he will lose you before he finds the woman he wants to be with, thats all. sorry to be blunt but he's not a man in love. he'll be very serious once he finds her. 1
Author Alia_alia Posted January 6, 2013 Author Posted January 6, 2013 dancing in a dance class is not the same as going to a bar to pick girls up... Hmm why exactly? if you want to defend your arsehole guy fine... not sure why you bothered to ask the question in the first place. he is a controller.... today it's dancing... next month your shirts... the month after that your food... he is wrong, he is bang out of order.. if you don't want to believe that.. good luck! lol Because I am trying to see some reason. You're not really bringing any argument to the table. You're just saying - he's wrong because he's controlling. Which take my word for it he isn't. He's pretty carefree about what I do and he never told me to stop dancing. I am bringing this up because I wanna stop dancing for him. And I go to a salsa club, where anyone can go and they play latin music and you pretty much dance with other guys and at first I saw it as an opportunity to improve my social circle - having graduated recently. Also in addition to my last post (which I think is predominating my way of reasoning right now, seeing no other real arguments), he says that anything that there is a reason you cannot dance salsa with the same gender and it's about the same reason you can't have sex with the same gender. If something was an innocent hobby, you'd be able to do it with both genders...
Author Alia_alia Posted January 6, 2013 Author Posted January 6, 2013 he's not in love with you. he wouldnt want to see/have sex with other women and remain in an open relationship if he was. he just doesnt want to commit but is worried that you will find someone else and he will lose you before he finds the woman he wants to be with, thats all. sorry to be blunt but he's not a man in love. he'll be very serious once he finds her. but again, you're making a lot of assumptions. I know him better than you would from my 20 lines of writing down. He is in love with me. I know it. And he doesn't want anyone else. He has had the chance (even in front of me) to get with other very good looking girls (to a point where I was kind of jealous) and he has not opened up to them and always put me on top of his priorities AND he has never sought out sex from me. (He says sex is nbd and just raw pleasure). Sure he has makes out here and there or casual sex with people he doesn't care about (rarely) but we're not committed YET and he has a bit of commitment issues. The way I see it he is just afraid he is gonna get hurt if he invests it all in one girl. Again I know him very well. He's like my best friend. I've known him for 4 years and at this point we tell each other everything.
Ninjainpajamas Posted January 6, 2013 Posted January 6, 2013 Unfortunately I'll have one edge that you'll never have...and that is being a man. I know how men think, how they act and even what they pretend to ok with, and create this character...this facade or self-defense not to let anyone too close, and yet you like many many other women think you'll be the girl to tame the pu$$y cat. I can see completely where this guy is coming from, so this is honestly an easy reply. I do believe he does have strong feelings for you, or that is at least probably...however that won't be enough to change who or what he is, and that's where you are gravely mistaken...you think this is about love, being in love or being that girl that he can commit to and only want to be with, but it's not. This is about his issues, and his issues will win out. You think that sacrificing salsa dancing, or something else to be with this guy will get you one step closer to the guy...you have that fixer in you, that emotionally unavailable attraction that you find in them, you think that somehow you can set things right...but you can of course deny that if you'd like...or if you're any wise, accept it. This is such a typical situation I could pretty much call it in my sleep...I know you think this is a very unique and special bond that you two have, and for what it's worth...sure, take that as apart of your "winning" but in the end this isn't going to work out...he's going to be the same guy. Eventually things will change or shift as they always do, and the fun and excitement of this won't be so anymore...it'll just be like any ole boring relationship where the spark, thrills and frills...this doing something dangerous and thinking that while he sleeps with this other girl then he'll just be one step closer to seeing that it's you he wants to be with. Go ahead, bring up the relationship topic and see what it provides...I already know how that goes though...in the bigger picture you've made no progress, you'll see that one day if anything you're closer to the end. I think you're both messed up people...after all what would a girl like you be with a guy like him, and attracted to him...and he's with a girl like you because you're the type of women that go for a guy like him...even though he'll tell you it's different or special...I see this all the time, everyday, In the end though you'll both be happy for what you had together...whatever that is...but you won't be together and I think if you kick start the brain you already know that...but then again, apart of you might not even care because if he was something else and so were you, then you wouldn't be in this situation together in the first place. Don't quit dancing, stop being dramatic...this isn't going to go anywhere anyway..the two of you. 6
naomii Posted January 6, 2013 Posted January 6, 2013 (edited) I dont know him better than you do, that is true. I just know how a man "in love" acts apart from one that is not in love. He may have feelings for you, yes, but not enough to be with you. "Afraid of getting hurt" is just an excuse to keep you around. Everyone takes that chance of getting hurt. When he finds a girl worth taking that chance with, you bet he's not going to want to be in an "open relationship". Open up your eyes. 4 years of knowing him and he still doesnt want to be with you? Stop fooling yourself. I went through the same thing for 3 years until I became too emotionally attached to him and couldn't handle it anymore. If this is what you want, more power to you. Edited January 6, 2013 by naomii 1
Author Alia_alia Posted January 6, 2013 Author Posted January 6, 2013 Unfortunately I'll have one edge that you'll never have...and that is being a man. I know how men think, how they act and even what they pretend to ok with, and create this character...this facade or self-defense not to let anyone too close, and yet you like many many other women think you'll be the girl to tame the pu$$y cat. I can see completely where this guy is coming from, so this is honestly an easy reply. I do believe he does have strong feelings for you, or that is at least probably...however that won't be enough to change who or what he is, and that's where you are gravely mistaken...you think this is about love, being in love or being that girl that he can commit to and only want to be with, but it's not. This is about his issues, and his issues will win out. You think that sacrificing salsa dancing, or something else to be with this guy will get you one step closer to the guy...you have that fixer in you, that emotionally unavailable attraction that you find in them, you think that somehow you can set things right...but you can of course deny that if you'd like...or if you're any wise, accept it. This is such a typical situation I could pretty much call it in my sleep...I know you think this is a very unique and special bond that you two have, and for what it's worth...sure, take that as apart of your "winning" but in the end this isn't going to work out...he's going to be the same guy. Eventually things will change or shift as they always do, and the fun and excitement of this won't be so anymore...it'll just be like any ole boring relationship where the spark, thrills and frills...this doing something dangerous and thinking that while he sleeps with this other girl then he'll just be one step closer to seeing that it's you he wants to be with. Go ahead, bring up the relationship topic and see what it provides...I already know how that goes though...in the bigger picture you've made no progress, you'll see that one day if anything you're closer to the end. I think you're both messed up people...after all what would a girl like you be with a guy like him, and attracted to him...and he's with a girl like you because you're the type of women that go for a guy like him...even though he'll tell you it's different or special...I see this all the time, everyday, In the end though you'll both be happy for what you had together...whatever that is...but you won't be together and I think if you kick start the brain you already know that...but then again, apart of you might not even care because if he was something else and so were you, then you wouldn't be in this situation together in the first place. Don't quit dancing, stop being dramatic...this isn't going to go anywhere anyway..the two of you. Thanks!!! Finally a good elaborate answer. (Even though you called me messed up). I've been into a 6 yr relationship before this and that's the way it ended. The way you describe it in bold. Boring, no thrills, no emotion. Sure there was a lot of caring but was it enough? With this guy, it's been 6 months and I've never stopped thinking about him and he tells me that - he says that having both of us be on our feet about the relationship is what gives it that excitement. And I swear in these 6 months it's almost always been peaking with emotions and created a very special bond. His theory is that being in a "committed" relationship might actually bring our emotions apart like it did with my last bf. Whereas if we are not, we will always 100% choose to be with one another and that's where our power will stand. And naoomi. I've known him for 4 years in social gatherings. We started being intimate about 6 months ago. And again believe me on this. I know what I'm saying. He loves me more than he has loved anyone in his life. He doesn't say it, but I know it.
zebracolors Posted January 6, 2013 Posted January 6, 2013 Also in addition to my last post (which I think is predominating my way of reasoning right now, seeing no other real arguments), he says that anything that there is a reason you cannot dance salsa with the same gender and it's about the same reason you can't have sex with the same gender. If something was an innocent hobby, you'd be able to do it with both genders... Is he saying its somehow wrong to dance salsa or have sex with the same gender? why on earth would this be the case? You posted this asking for advice, then when others were telling you what they've experienced and offering advice, you shot the ones who didn't agree with you down. Just help me understand here. If he is carefree about what you do then why do you want to stop dancing for him? If Salsa, or the other dances, are what you say they are, is it just because you don't trust yourself dancing with other guys? No presumptions here, its just you said he has casual sex with others occasionally while you're saving yourself for him. Can't you do "casual" Salsa dancing that means nothing?
naomii Posted January 6, 2013 Posted January 6, 2013 Is he saying its somehow wrong to dance salsa or have sex with the same gender? why on earth would this be the case? You posted this asking for advice, then when others were telling you what they've experienced and offering advice, you shot the ones who didn't agree with you down. Just help me understand here. If he is carefree about what you do then why do you want to stop dancing for him? If Salsa, or the other dances, are what you say they are, is it just because you don't trust yourself dancing with other guys? No presumptions here, its just you said he has casual sex with others occasionally while you're saving yourself for him. Can't you do "casual" Salsa dancing that means nothing? she doesnt it see it that way because she's blinded by his "love" for her lol. she thinks him trying to control her means he loves her deep down, but in reality it just means he wants her to himself as well as any other female he desires. she's willing to stop something she loves for a guy that has no intentions on ever being with her. oh well, good luck OP. 1
Starlett Posted January 6, 2013 Posted January 6, 2013 Do not give up dancing for him. You are not in a relationship with him. I would keep my options open also. Don't say no to other potentials who might have a better relationship with you and who may actually want to commit to you. Start dating even, just so you have others around if this one fails. I wish I had with the last guy I dated. I just know how a guy can put on an act to make you think he loves you that is all. Tell you how much he likes and cares about you, does things that make you think he could want something more only to tell you he never wanted a commitment after all. Just keep your options open is all I am saying. He has told you that he is keeping his options open by saying he wants an open relationship. Move on if you want something more then that. It is better to be just hurt then to be heart broken in the long run. 2
naomii Posted January 6, 2013 Posted January 6, 2013 Do not give up dancing for him. You are not in a relationship with him. I would keep my options open also. Don't say no to other potentials who might have a better relationship with you and who may actually want to commit to you. Start dating even, just so you have others around if this one fails. I wish I had with the last guy I dated. I just know how a guy can put on an act to make you think he loves you that is all. Tell you how much he likes and cares about you, does things that make you think he could want something more only to tell you he never wanted a commitment after all. Just keep your options open is all I am saying. He has told you that he is keeping his options open by saying he wants an open relationship. Move on if you want something more then that. It is better to be just hurt then to be heart broken in the long run. Exactly. It's all an act. I was fed sooo many lies by the guy I was dating for three years that convinced me he loved me and would eventually want to be with me. Nope, didnt happen. Not saying it couldnt happen for you, but by the looks of it, it's not going to and you're obviously getting attached to him emotionally. You're just going to wind up hurt and disappointed. 1
unluckyinlove4 Posted January 6, 2013 Posted January 6, 2013 Never date anyone who doesn't want you to do something you love. That's ridiculous. 2
Starlett Posted January 6, 2013 Posted January 6, 2013 Never date anyone who doesn't want you to do something you love. That's ridiculous. Agrees with this!
Author Alia_alia Posted January 6, 2013 Author Posted January 6, 2013 No presumptions here, its just you said he has casual sex with others occasionally while you're saving yourself for him. Can't you do "casual" Salsa dancing that means nothing? Yes and I've been doing that, as well as seeing other guys and keeping my options open. I am not naive or stupid, but it has gotten to a point where things have developed in a way where a relationship talk is imminent (i.e us planning vacation time together, getting to know each other's social groups, as well as the amazing intimate time) And I really do not understand why you guys keep arguing if he loves me or not. Just take my word on it. He does. This is not the point of this thread and not the point I wanna talk about. My only point was/is - would it be right for me to stop dancing if we get in a committed relationship of some sort. I love to dance, but I also feel like I am opening myself up to new connections when I go dancing (although I'd never cheat on him and again Idk how I would feel say 1 year or 3 into the relationship when things might seem a bit more stale).
naomii Posted January 6, 2013 Posted January 6, 2013 Dont give up what you love for him, he should be able to trust you if you two were in a relationship. If he can't trust you just because you dance then there'd be no point in being together. Salsa dancing is not the same as having sex with someone else, it's not cheating, it's dancing. Yes it opens up more connections for you to meet someone else, but then again everything in life usually does. It's all about trust. 1
zebracolors Posted January 6, 2013 Posted January 6, 2013 (edited) My only point was/is - would it be right for me to stop dancing if we get in a committed relationship of some sort. I love to dance, but I also feel like I am opening myself up to new connections when I go dancing (although I'd never cheat on him and again Idk how I would feel say 1 year or 3 into the relationship when things might seem a bit more stale). And many of us said it wouldn't be right for you to stop dancing just because it turns into a relationship. Its good that you'd be loyal to him, and if you trust him, great. But it just seems like you've convinced yourself you can't both dance AND be in a relationship with this particular guy. And thats probably just what i can't understand. Edited January 6, 2013 by zebracolors
Author Alia_alia Posted January 6, 2013 Author Posted January 6, 2013 But it just seems like you've convinced yourself you can't both dance AND be in a relationship with this particular guy. And thats probably just what i can't understand. I just feel like things should evolve somehow once we get in a relationship to a more tight unopen to others connection. So right now I go out dance, have fun with the girls. Sometimes I'll flirt with some guys. They constantly comment on my looks, a few of them are even trying to learn Swedish (I'm from Sweden) to impress me ( and I'm flattered. ), one of them once forced a kiss onto me at the end of a dance (which I made clear he was to not do ever again).Most of the time I tell them I have a bf (just to not lead them on), but in some way I still get to know them as I am dancing with them on and on and on for weeks. Would this still be ok once into a relationship? That would mean there would really be no difference between what we have now and what we'll have after we get in a relationship, besides for his occasional (and meaningless) hookups.
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