ALL of my friends are saying the same thing

[crashvector]

Ive been spending a LOT of time in my old hometown since the recent split.

 

like 30 of us were all hanging out, including the girl that has been my friend for 18 years.

 

We were all just talking and goofing off, when she got up from the table. I barely even noticed it.

 

Then, she walks back, stands next to me, holds out her hand.

 

I kinda just looked at her and said "uh...what?" then the DJ started playing salsa music.

 

She said "We've all HEARD about your ballroom dancing, now prove it."

 

LITERALLY all of my friends started beer-chanting "DO IT! DO IT! DO IT!". Peer pressure much? lol

 

So, we did a little salsa dancing for a couple of songs, with everyone cheering and taking pictures, etc....when I told her "okay...im good. got the proof you needed? lol"

 

BTW: she cheated. she is actually a good salsa dancer. lol However, she was quite literally ALL over me....kept putting my hands on her ass, putting her boobs all over me, etc (those things are huge). Gotta admit..it was fun lol. Hell, I havent felt a breast in like 3 weeks so sue me alright...doesnt make me any less of a good guy lol...and technically, SHE put them on ME.

 

Actually, that doesnt make me any less of a good guy does it? That's my problem...Im always SO concerned about be the "good guy"...

 

When I sat back down, EVERYONE started telling me some version of "You just had your heart broken, she just had HER heart broken...and its SO obvious she wants some FWB action dude....you are a DUMBASS if you don't"

 

Men and women.

 

You know...everyone turns into Dr. Phil when you go through something like this...and all of them usually have different advice..but everyone..EVERYONE was telling me I should go for it.

 

When I told them "Guys..its just not my style, you know that."

 

One of the other WOMEN (another good friend) looked at me and said "Yeah, because "your style" has worked out SO well for you thusfar right? Keep doing the same sh*t you always do and acting surprised when sh*t doesn't work out. OR...you can take advantage of what she's obviously offering you for once and see how it goes from there. She wants to get laid and you probably need some pussy right now...so f-ing TAKE it. You always wait until you are emotionally attached and then get your heart broken. I think a little pussy from an OBVIOUSLY hot girl with big tits is EXACTLY what you need to get over what she did to you. Take your manhood back goddammit. Take my advice or leave it..but if you leave it, you'll be REALLY sorry, and all the REST of us know it."

 

I was about to reply, but then the girl in question came back to the table.

 

for the record, as most of you here can probably already tell about me, I'm normally mostly reserved...but her logic is HARD to argue with. Ive spent my entire LIFE being the "sweet, soft-hearted guy that everyone can depend on".

 

what do I have to show for it? An ex wife that cheated on me and a fiancee that dumped me less than 6 months from the wedding.

 

Einstein said the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result.

 

But to have like 3 or 4 WOMEN telling me this....and the rest of them nodding their heads vigorously while I was having my @ss handed to me verbally by one of my straight-shooting female friends kinda makes me wonder....

Edited January 5, 2013 by crashvector

[sharsh]

I still stand by what I said earlier. You shouldn't hook up with this girl, or begin dating her.

 

Unless you want to add "I f*cked up an 18 year old friendship with my best friend" to that list you got going on there, then by all means, go for it.

 

And like I said earlier, too, imo, hooking up does help you get over a relationship faster (at least did for me) BUT NOT WITH ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS.

[crashvector]

I still stand by what I said earlier. You shouldn't hook up with this girl, or begin dating her.

 

Unless you want to add "I f*cked up an 18 year old friendship with my best friend" to that list you got going on there, then by all means, go for it.

 

And like I said earlier, too, imo, hooking up does help you get over a relationship faster (at least did for me) BUT NOT WITH ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS.

 

Why do you supposed everyone is encouraging it being as all of us are friends with each other?

 

It was like my own "intervention" of sorts...with ALL of them telling me to go for it.

 

they're all aware she and i are friends for a long time...hell..ALL of us have been friends for that long.

[FailedFirstLove]

I don't know what your friends are thinking? Are they true friends to the both of you? I would never encourage my friends like that

[crashvector]

I don't know what your friends are thinking? Are they true friends to the both of you? I would never encourage my friends like that

 

yeah, we've all been friends since high school.

 

the 30 of us or so were always "the group".

[crashvector]

Its like I've woken up in the Twilight Zone or something....I come back to town after being gone for almost 15 years, and all of a sudden, everyone's all interested.

 

If someone would have told me something like this would have happened, I would have given myself a hernia laughing at them.

 

My friend Chris told me "Well, you leave the skinny nerdy kid everyone saw as the guy permanantly stuck in the "friend zone"; and you come back this hotshot nurse getting a master's degree in medicine, people have seen you do your MMA thing kickin ass, plus they all know how well you treated your fiance, PLUS you work with the Swamp People show that EVERYONE here watches, AND you can swing em around on the dance floor dude. Like at least a few of em ARENT gonna wanna hook up. This is a small town. Everyone talks. when someone from here does important sh*t, everyone hears about it, and you just happen to be that guy right now. You're almost like a celebrity here in this little sh*thole town."

 

I was like "Thanks. I THINK."

 

Its all SURREAL, and almost kinda creepy to be honest.

Edited January 5, 2013 by crashvector

[crashvector]

Is just weird that I would suddenly have women showing so much interest in me.

 

I've always been the very shy type, so I'm not really used to this, and don't really know what to do with it.

 

ESPECIALLY right after having my heart broken....its uncomfortable.

[Mr.White]

As a male with two heads, the lower head wins ALL the time.(except when the girl is nasty)

 

If you feel like you want her snatch, no one will stop you but yourself and her!

 

Stop doing pre-meditated sex! Stop OVERTHINKING. Who cares about your personality you had all this entire time, it is time for a bit of change (Keep in mind the bit part, don't go running off screwing every girl you can).

 

Crash I was the short, unattractive, and fat kid. Then puberty hit me before 11th grade and I got tall and muscular and I immediately got a girlfriend. This whole new party scene and flirting with random girls I have never met is new but I can say getting out of your comfort zone is the perfect place to grow and learn!

Edited January 5, 2013 by Mr.White

[soccerrprp]

I'm listening to some of the dribble that is being encouraged here and thinking what the heck?!

 

Crash, don't compromise who you are because you've experienced, yet, another set-back! People seem to be encouraging you to be who you are not. What happened to being true to yourself? It was because of who you are that allowed to you establish relationships in the first place. It's because of who you are that blesses you with 30+ friends who care...

 

I came close to changing ME, but came to my senses because my friends, not 30, but close reminded me of who I am. It may be corny, but it reminds me of the scene when Galadriel, of the LOTR, is tested and responds thusly:

 

 

Corny, perhaps, but I remain who I am no matter what happens and continue seeking for the "one" and feel #$%@# good about that! I may have to make some adjustments from time to time, but never to the point that it begins to alter my core nature.

 

Let me know if i'm off here. I can take it.

[jags2bowl27]

This can go either way... Take your friends out of the equation. In your current state if you saw her at the grocery store lets say and she told you about her breakup and you truly liked her and she threw herself at you, would you take it? If not then move on. I will say this though... I met someone at a bar one month after the bu and after 3 dates I was in her pants and believe me, it took my mind off things lol. It might have not been the best timing for "us" but ****tttt I was moving on fairly quickly until she got wiff of it and started the sob story

 

Moral of the story, strange puss can do wonders and her saying no strings attached is a blessing. I'd take it but on your own terms if you like her

[Bumaga vsyo sterpit]

Actually, that doesnt make me any less of a good guy does it? That's my problem...Im always SO concerned about be the "good guy"...

 

You're right, I lost track of how many times I facepalmed reading your posts.

[Survivor12]

Bear in mind that often promises of "no strings" is really a desperate means of getting a live one on the hook.

[crashvector]

You're right, I lost track of how many times I facepalmed reading your posts.

 

Explain pls lol

[Bumaga vsyo sterpit]

Explain pls lol

 

I mean you have a very different way of doing things, old-school, that I don't agree with at all... It causes you missed opportunities like with this girl, a sense of self-abasement that makes you treat your ex (who tossed you to the side, ignored you, and may well be lying about her reasons) like a kidnapped princess, just generally, a level of self-assertion that is not at all in keeping with your advanced standing in life.

 

I was raised that way, and living in the real world gets me dumped, bullied, used, etc. to no end. The high school environment is everywhere, at work, at school, in pubs and clubs, on the street -- I would do anything to be able to handle myself. I'm still a pushover, and I would rather be a thug.

 

To each his own, though, and this works for you. At 24 and an underachiever, it's not my place to critique your personal style.

Edited January 5, 2013 by Bumaga vsyo sterpit

[crashvector]

I mean you have a very different way of doing things, old-school, that I don't agree with at all... It causes you missed opportunities like with this girl, a sense of self-abasement that makes you treat your ex (who tossed you to the side, ignored you, and may well be lying about her reasons) like a kidnapped princess, just generally, a level of self-assertion that is not at all in keeping with your advanced standing in life.

 

I was raised that way, and living in the real world gets me dumped, bullied, used, etc. to no end. The high school environment is everywhere, at work, at school, in pubs and clubs, on the street -- I would do anything to be able to handle myself. I'm still a pushover, and I would rather be a thug.

 

To each his own, though, and this works for you. At 24 and an underachiever, it's not my place to critique your personal style.

 

So what is it that YOU think I should do here?

[crashvector]

Bear in mind that often promises of "no strings" is really a desperate means of getting a live one on the hook.

 

She seems sincere....but has turned to playing coy now, so I'm just gonna lay low.

[Bumaga vsyo sterpit]

So what is it that YOU think I should do here?

 

Assuming it's definitely over with your ex, expressing a little anger can't hurt. If there's a sliver of a chance she'll come back it'll be by doing what you're doing now, but I've found that being nice to people who are proven @ssholes beyond all reasonable doubt only works in a tiny minority of cases. Most of the time, it makes them laugh at me some more. You've been bottling up your resentment of how she treated you and making the breakup as easy for her as possible. Maybe she deserves to understand what she did and feel like ***** for a while - come to think of it it's the least she deserves. Also, you deserve to know the real reason why she did that to you, because her justification does not make sense. Anger and exposition make you feel good and powerful for a while.

 

Also, maybe just turn off your brain these days, stop thinking so much. If you got with this girl and felt something, your ex will start to fade away. It always helped me relieve my dumpee pain by jumping in one end with someone else, shallow or deep.

 

That's just what I'd do, though. I haven't had your professional or social success, and I think I'm a tad more impulsive and emotionally immature. A lot of people like and respect you and you don't want to be seen as a psycho ex-boyfriend at this moment in time. I'm only suggesting an e-mail or something, like the one you posted here but never sent, hard but fair. There's no reason to think that getting with this girl will make you a user or a jerk. If a relationship escalated and you weren't in a happy place, I'm sure you'd be able to handle it in a respectable way.

[crashvector]

Assuming it's definitely over with your ex, expressing a little anger can't hurt. If there's a sliver of a chance she'll come back it'll be by doing what you're doing now, but I've found that being nice to people who are proven @ssholes beyond all reasonable doubt only works in a tiny minority of cases. Most of the time, it makes them laugh at me some more. You've been bottling up your resentment of how she treated you and making the breakup as easy for her as possible. Maybe she deserves to understand what she did and feel like ***** for a while - come to think of it it's the least she deserves. Also, you deserve to know the real reason why she did that to you, because her justification does not make sense. Anger and exposition make you feel good and powerful for a while.

 

Also, maybe just turn off your brain these days, stop thinking so much. If you got with this girl and felt something, your ex will start to fade away. It always helped me relieve my dumpee pain by jumping in one end with someone else, shallow or deep.

 

That's just what I'd do, though. I haven't had your professional or social success, and I think I'm a tad more impulsive and emotionally immature. A lot of people like and respect you and you don't want to be seen as a psycho ex-boyfriend at this moment in time. I'm only suggesting an e-mail or something, like the one you posted here but never sent, hard but fair. There's no reason to think that getting with this girl will make you a user or a jerk. If a relationship escalated and you weren't in a happy place, I'm sure you'd be able to handle it in a respectable way.

 

 

Well, thank you for your opinion. That is why I've been posting here, EVERYONE seems to have something valuable to say, including you.

 

My plan is to wait for a while, as her son just had MAJOR surgery to remove a benign tumor in his neck that was going to eventually kill him. during the surgery, they accidentally ruptured his external juglular and he lost 2 units (2 pints) of blood before they could stop it.

 

So needless to say, she's relieved he's fine now, but its just not the time for a face to face.

 

I have already told the woman twice that if she wants to be friends eventually (and she's said it multiple times that this is what her intention is), then she WILL have to listen to what I have to say.

 

she has stated that she will, when things with her son calm down a bit.

 

 

I plan on pretty much telling her what is in the letter that I wrote here but didnt send to her.

 

 

As for the girl, yes, I'm known for being a respectable gentleman. I treat the woman I am with VERY well, in my opinion anyhow.

 

I have NEVER had a one night stand, and I have never just "had sex" with a girl just because. I have the reputation of being the "reliable" guy...the guy that everyone knows will come running if they are in trouble, the guy that treats the woman I love like a true lady.

 

I dont want to necessarily ruin that, but my OTHER female friend made a good point when she said "Yeah, all that's absolutely TRUE....every single word of it. Now I only have one question for you: what do YOU have to show for it? Except that everyone knows that you are a kind, honorable man with a big heart? You have a wife who loves you with all her heart? Hell, right now, you dont even have a GIRLFRIEND for all your kindness...or do you have a broken heart and all the scars from the wounds that healed from your wife cheating on you because you let her take advantage of your niceness, and then your fiance does the same fu*king thing to you minus the cheating."

 

I said "yeah, but Kaci....I'm not one of those kind of guys that just goes around sleeping with women for fun."

 

and she said "Yeah, I know. Normally, I wouldn't tell anyone to just sleep with someone...but in YOUR case, I think it would actually be GOOD for you...and all of us think the same thing. You need to learn how to take what you want...and not accept less than you deserve. Besides, remember, we all know HER, too (in reference to the friend of 18 years)...and I'm telling you...she knows what's up, and just wants to get some with a guy she trusts."

 

I said "do WHAT now?!"

 

and she said "I SAID...she's used to getting sex regularly, just like YOU were. Now that this happened, both of you have been cut off. She's horny, and doesnt wanna just sleep with ANYONE, but would rather have sex with a guy she KNOWS will at least treat her respectfully and not like a playtoy. I know that sounds silly considering, but you know what I mean. She needs sex, and doesnt wanna f*ck some random guy. She knows you will be respectful about it, and she trusts you. Besides, let's face it, she has really nice tits and EVERYONE knows you LOVE boobs." and then she laughed at me lol

 

I'm like...what...does it make me a bad guy to like boobs?! HELL YEAH I like boobs...a lot. Like...a LOT.

 

There's more to the conversation, but I think everyone gets the idea.

[beyond]

Ive been spending a LOT of time in my old hometown since the recent split.

 

like 30 of us were all hanging out, including the girl that has been my friend for 18 years.

 

We were all just talking and goofing off, when she got up from the table. I barely even noticed it.

 

Then, she walks back, stands next to me, holds out her hand.

 

I kinda just looked at her and said "uh...what?" then the DJ started playing salsa music.

 

She said "We've all HEARD about your ballroom dancing, now prove it."

 

LITERALLY all of my friends started beer-chanting "DO IT! DO IT! DO IT!". Peer pressure much? lol

 

So, we did a little salsa dancing for a couple of songs, with everyone cheering and taking pictures, etc....when I told her "okay...im good. got the proof you needed? lol"

 

BTW: she cheated. she is actually a good salsa dancer. lol However, she was quite literally ALL over me....kept putting my hands on her ass, putting her boobs all over me, etc (those things are huge). Gotta admit..it was fun lol. Hell, I havent felt a breast in like 3 weeks so sue me alright...doesnt make me any less of a good guy lol...and technically, SHE put them on ME.

 

Actually, that doesnt make me any less of a good guy does it? That's my problem...Im always SO concerned about be the "good guy"...

 

When I sat back down, EVERYONE started telling me some version of "You just had your heart broken, she just had HER heart broken...and its SO obvious she wants some FWB action dude....you are a DUMBASS if you don't"

 

Men and women.

 

You know...everyone turns into Dr. Phil when you go through something like this...and all of them usually have different advice..but everyone..EVERYONE was telling me I should go for it.

 

When I told them "Guys..its just not my style, you know that."

 

One of the other WOMEN (another good friend) looked at me and said "Yeah, because "your style" has worked out SO well for you thusfar right? Keep doing the same sh*t you always do and acting surprised when sh*t doesn't work out. OR...you can take advantage of what she's obviously offering you for once and see how it goes from there. She wants to get laid and you probably need some pussy right now...so f-ing TAKE it. You always wait until you are emotionally attached and then get your heart broken. I think a little pussy from an OBVIOUSLY hot girl with big tits is EXACTLY what you need to get over what she did to you. Take your manhood back goddammit. Take my advice or leave it..but if you leave it, you'll be REALLY sorry, and all the REST of us know it."

 

I was about to reply, but then the girl in question came back to the table.

 

for the record, as most of you here can probably already tell about me, I'm normally mostly reserved...but her logic is HARD to argue with. Ive spent my entire LIFE being the "sweet, soft-hearted guy that everyone can depend on".

 

what do I have to show for it? An ex wife that cheated on me and a fiancee that dumped me less than 6 months from the wedding.

 

Einstein said the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result.

 

But to have like 3 or 4 WOMEN telling me this....and the rest of them nodding their heads vigorously while I was having my @ss handed to me verbally by one of my straight-shooting female friends kinda makes me wonder....

 

Crash, I've read quite a few of your posts and they make me frustrated!

I think you need to 'man up' , stop overly thinking everything, stop asking and then asking again everyone's opinion on every move you make and make a decision FOR YOU.

 

Notice, I'm neither saying to sleep with this girl or not, I just think you need to do what is right for you, and only you can know what that is. Then either honestly explain to this girl that you are flattered but its not a good idea or go get her and give her the best time ever lol - either way ACT.

 

You hit the nail on the head when you said your problem was that you are always so concerned about being the 'good guy'. But not only being a good guy but being SEEN to be the good guy by all your friends, by your ex and even by people on this anonymous forum. Why? Why is that external validation so important to you? If YOU know you have done the right things then thats all that matters.

 

Women don't always want 'good guys' - I know that's a very un pc thing to say and I denied it to myself for years, but it's true. That doesn't however mean we want a**holes! Men who know their own minds and are decent but don't put up with any bull are so much more attractive that those who sob in the corner about how wonderful they were to there ex who dumped them.

Edited January 5, 2013 by beyond

[crashvector]

Thats a good point.

 

A REALLY good point actually. Thank you.

 

I tend to not tolerate much drama to be honest, and WILL speak up..but I try to do it in a nice way.

 

Perhaps I just need to worry about what I WANT and less about what I think the "honorable" thing is?

 

hmm....

[beyond]

Thats a good point.

 

A REALLY good point actually. Thank you.

 

I tend to not tolerate much drama to be honest, and WILL speak up..but I try to do it in a nice way.

 

Perhaps I just need to worry about what I WANT and less about what I think the "honorable" thing is?

 

hmm....

 

Again - why do you speak up 'in a nice way'? Speaking up, saying what you feel, being honest is enough in itself. People respect that - you don't need to sugar coat it or be overly apologetic about having a viewpoint and voicing it.

[Simon Phoenix]

I think you should be honest with your "friend" and tell her exactly what's up. That you are attracted to her but that you are also in a state of shock and healing. Just man up and let her know what's going on in your head.

 

And crash, I agree with the women in this thread. Show some balls, man up, be assertive. Don't be the guy in the PG movie that everyone hopes will score. Be the guy in the PG-13 movie who we aren't sure if we like yet.

Edited January 5, 2013 by Simon Phoenix

[crashvector]

I think you should be honest with your "friend" and tell her exactly what's up. That you are attracted to her but that you are also in a state of shock and healing. Just man up and let her know what's going on in your head.

 

And crash, I agree with the women in this thread. Show some balls, man up, be assertive. Don't be the guy in the PG movie that everyone hopes will score. Be the guy in the PG-13 movie who we aren't sure if we like yet.

 

Hahaha thats a good one.

 

 

I just told her whats up. Plain and simple.

[Divasu]

Crash, I've read quite a few of your posts and they make me frustrated!

 

Ditto. You're all over the place with your threads and it's a bit confusing.

 

In one breath, you say your ex broke things off because 'you wanted to spend too much time with her and she felt smothered by that', but in another breath it sounds like you believe that you somehow let her down?

 

IE:

"MINOR disagreement"

"I can NOT break my word once i give it."

"Arose from a horrible, HORRIBLE over-reaction on her part to what was SUPPOSED to be a romantic surprise for her I never even got the chance to tell her WHY or what my true motives were".

 

I'm not sure what these 'true motives' were and/or how they apply to the relationship ending, but dude, wanting to spend time with your fiance is perfectly healthy and reasonable. So, cut yourself some slack. Otherwise, we're going to have to give you a light cyber smack across the face like

. Edited January 6, 2013 by Divasu
spelling

[crashvector]

Because I dont REALLY know what the deal is, and am speculating.

 

I only KNOW what she told me, but it just doesnt make sense.