Confused48 Posted January 5, 2013 Posted January 5, 2013 I've been reading here for a while. I posted a few times but my WS harassed me to stop. I know I'm pathetic to change my name to continue and hope WS does not find me again. Please don't cut me out bc I'm pathetic. Tonight I found out that WS has a new secret email address and is trying to contact the f-AP. This is the end. I'm not going to keep hoping for change from WS. The AP did not respond to my WS but if AP wanted my WS it t is clear my WS wants the AP. I'm not going to be second choice, the fall back plan. I told WS what I know. WS denied it! Over and over. I knew if I showed WS the proof it would enable WS to take it under ground. So I kept challenging WS to tell me the truth. Giving all the evidence I could but the proof. Hoping WS would come clean. No. I could not resist. I eventually showed WS the proof. WS then slapped and punched me. I hit back. No damage to either. But this has to end. The kids know. They heard why I am done. They know the AP. The AP used them to get to my WS. They now know this. The kids saw us hitting each other and yelling about the AP !!! I hate my life.
Realist3 Posted January 5, 2013 Posted January 5, 2013 Any form of physical violence should never be tolerated. You need to get out ASAP. 2
bentnotbroken Posted January 5, 2013 Posted January 5, 2013 I've been reading here for a while. I posted a few times but my WS harassed me to stop. I know I'm pathetic to change my name to continue and hope WS does not find me again. Please don't cut me out bc I'm pathetic. Tonight I found out that WS has a new secret email address and is trying to contact the f-AP. This is the end. I'm not going to keep hoping for change from WS. The AP did not respond to my WS but if AP wanted my WS it t is clear my WS wants the AP. I'm not going to be second choice, the fall back plan. I told WS what I know. WS denied it! Over and over. I knew if I showed WS the proof it would enable WS to take it under ground. So I kept challenging WS to tell me the truth. Giving all the evidence I could but the proof. Hoping WS would come clean. No. I could not resist. I eventually showed WS the proof. WS then slapped and punched me. I hit back. No damage to either. But this has to end. The kids know. They heard why I am done. They know the AP. The AP used them to get to my WS. They now know this. The kids saw us hitting each other and yelling about the AP !!! I hate my life. You do need to get out for your children if not yourself. Use that hate to move you forward to a healthier you. 4
Furious Posted January 5, 2013 Posted January 5, 2013 I've been reading here for a while. I posted a few times but my WS harassed me to stop. I know I'm pathetic to change my name to continue and hope WS does not find me again. Please don't cut me out bc I'm pathetic. Tonight I found out that WS has a new secret email address and is trying to contact the f-AP. This is the end. I'm not going to keep hoping for change from WS. The AP did not respond to my WS but if AP wanted my WS it t is clear my WS wants the AP. I'm not going to be second choice, the fall back plan. I told WS what I know. WS denied it! Over and over. I knew if I showed WS the proof it would enable WS to take it under ground. So I kept challenging WS to tell me the truth. Giving all the evidence I could but the proof. Hoping WS would come clean. No. I could not resist. I eventually showed WS the proof. WS then slapped and punched me. I hit back. No damage to either. But this has to end. The kids know. They heard why I am done. They know the AP. The AP used them to get to my WS. They now know this. The kids saw us hitting each other and yelling about the AP !!! I hate my life. You are not pathetic...just terribly hurt and devastated. It's horrible to see your family suffer and feel that everything has gotten out of control. You must take a step back and not allow any more violence to occur for your children's sake and for your own sake. Reach out for support from your parents or close family members that you trust. Get yourself in individual counseling to help you deal with the intense stress you're under. You can, one day at a time get to a better place. I feel so bad for you, and I want you to know that you're not alone, that many people here understand how terrible you feel right now. 5
veryhappy Posted January 5, 2013 Posted January 5, 2013 Was he saying he wanted to be with her or to resume the A, in his underground email? Even if he said he wanted to be with her, that turns out to be bs most of the times. Whatever it takes to bring the OW back. If he wanted her he wouldn't deny it to you, he'd say "yes, I want to be with her". I don't know if you in particular are the fallback option, but he definitely doesn't want to lose the life you have together.
BetrayedH Posted January 5, 2013 Posted January 5, 2013 So what's your support structure? Close family around? Friends maybe? I'm asking because it seems unlikely that your WS will leave the home. Normally I wouldn't want you to leave the house because it 'can' sometimes be construed as abandonment. But it doesn't sound safe for you to further confront your WS or stay there and if the kids witnessed your WS strike you first, you can certainly explain your departure. Can you leave and take the kids with you? Otherwise, you need an attorney consult on Monday. Some will do an initial consult for free, maybe even by phone. Find out your options. In particular, you're going to need to gather money for the retainer (typically $2.5-5k). Find out how much during the consult. If there is money in savings of some kind, take it out to secure yourself money to live on. Borrow from family if you must. 2
Author Confused48 Posted January 5, 2013 Author Posted January 5, 2013 Was he saying he wanted to be with her or to resume the A, in his underground email? Even if he said he wanted to be with her, that turns out to be bs most of the times. Whatever it takes to bring the OW back. If he wanted her he wouldn't deny it to you, he'd say "yes, I want to be with her". I don't know if you in particular are the fallback option, but he definitely doesn't want to lose the life you have together. No, it was not a blatant, lets get together message. Just sorry I hurt you. But WS is supposed to be NC. And supposed to not have secret email accounts! That was the worst. So now today in the light of day I believe WS that it was a one time email. WS showed me the password for the account. It was the same as the regular account so I would have guessed it. And WS said, look I left it open, was not hiding it. Just started the new account so it could be cancelled and AP would not be able to start up using it to talk. But WS has a history of being able to fool me with lies. So it sounds good but I'm not going to let down my guard. Some here will say kick the lier to the curb. I know. Maybe. But not today.
Author Confused48 Posted January 5, 2013 Author Posted January 5, 2013 So what's your support structure? Close family around? Friends maybe? I'm asking because it seems unlikely that your WS will leave the home. Normally I wouldn't want you to leave the house because it 'can' sometimes be construed as abandonment. But it doesn't sound safe for you to further confront your WS or stay there and if the kids witnessed your WS strike you first, you can certainly explain your departure. Can you leave and take the kids with you? Otherwise, you need an attorney consult on Monday. Some will do an initial consult for free, maybe even by phone. Find out your options. In particular, you're going to need to gather money for the retainer (typically $2.5-5k). Find out how much during the consult. If there is money in savings of some kind, take it out to secure yourself money to live on. Borrow from family if you must. Thank you for your concern. I appreciate it. But there is no danger. No one is going to get hurt, physically. The kids should not see that though. Today we both sat down with them and apologized to them. Promised them we would not do that again. Said how wrong it was. We both have lawyers already. Divorce is proceeding. Just slowly and maybe not going to consummate it. Just get close and then decide what to do.
MsDecember Posted January 5, 2013 Posted January 5, 2013 In my experience, he will not change. My ex H said his affair was over as we were going to counseling and it wasn't. It's a total douchebag move to cake eat, and you can't let him. My Ex H attacked me one night when I said something of truth that he didn't want to hear, and was laying on top of me in our bedroom and one of our kids came in and layed on top of me and said leave my mom alone, all of us were crying. It's devastating, and I think my kids have blocked out the last 3 years to survive. I'm so sorry for your pain, as I know it's tough emotionally and finacially. I hope you can get thru this and find some peace
Spark1111 Posted January 5, 2013 Posted January 5, 2013 the fact that he feels the need to apologize to her says he lied and strung her along too. But, you are right. NC means NC, and all communication or contact, whether accidental or intentional needs to be disclosed immediately. The fact that he used a new SECRET email account really does not bode well for you I'm afraid. The fact that he became so enrage when you discovered it, means your feelings of pain are of little importance to him. I do not think he is remorseful. He is just sorry he got caught. There's a huge difference between the two. I think it is time to say buh bye...whether you separate or divorce. Wish him and her well...and go see an attorney. PLEASE, he sounds like an angry control freak? No LS? Next time he smacks you, if he does, call 911 and have the police come. Where is your support? Who have you confided in? Bullies back down when exposed. who knows about the affair? ave you contacted the OW? 2
Author Confused48 Posted January 6, 2013 Author Posted January 6, 2013 the fact that he feels the need to apologize to her says he lied and strung her along too. Apologized bc I caused a HUGE problem for the AP with the AP's family and job. HUGE. And it was info I only could have gotten from the WS so AP might think WS wanted me to do that. The fact that he became so enrage when you discovered it, means your feelings of pain are of little importance to him. I got enraged. WS fought back but it was me being enraged about the secret account. PLEASE, he sounds like an angry control freak? No LS? Not no LS. I meant that I did not want WS reading what I right. I actually did want WS to read it at first, especially all the great advice and comments about what a stupid selfish thing it is to cheat and why and etc. WS took a lot of that to heart. If not for you all here talking about this like you do I don't think WS would have remorse at all. WS now reads LS often and not just looking for my posts. I just would rather now get advice without WS listening so to speak. Like IC. YOu don't want your WS in IC with you. Next time he smacks you, if he does, call 911 and have the police come. Its really not worth all that. Not like you see on TV (cops.) No black eyes or bruises. Still bad enough in front of children. I'm ashamed for my part of that. Very. Where is your support? Who have you confided in? Bullies back down when exposed. who knows about the affair? I told a couple of my friends. I told a couple of WS's friends. They proceeded to call WS a total dirt bag to my surprise. I had to pull them back from their viciousness actually. ave you contacted the OW? LMAO! In spades! I was a wrecking ball on the AP side of things. Calculating and devastating! And it continues. AP is going to think twice before messing with my family again or any family. 2
bentnotbroken Posted January 6, 2013 Posted January 6, 2013 Thank you for your concern. I appreciate it. But there is no danger. No one is going to get hurt, physically. The kids should not see that though. Today we both sat down with them and apologized to them. Promised them we would not do that again. Said how wrong it was. We both have lawyers already. Divorce is proceeding. Just slowly and maybe not going to consummate it. Just get close and then decide what to do. Please, I beg of you...keep this promise. I speak from experience. Once the damage has been done it can take a lifetime to reverse.
NoMagicBullet Posted January 6, 2013 Posted January 6, 2013 Confused48, why are you backing down/backing off now? If even his friends called him a dirt bag, why are you now backpedalling and saying, "He's not that bad"....? You were both upset, but it was after you showed him your proof that he slapped and punched you. That's unacceptable. Has he apologized to you for doing that? Has he apologized to you for breaking NC with the AP in the first place? Do you honestly believe he broke the rules only to tell her that he was sorry? That he wouldn't get with her again if she wanted him? For some reason, you are backing off from your previous determination to end things. Why? Is he being all nice now and you think things might work? Remember, you said he has a history of fooling you with lies.... 1
Author Confused48 Posted January 6, 2013 Author Posted January 6, 2013 You were both upset, but it was after you showed him your proof that he slapped and punched you. I was posting in haste right after it happened. There was more to it. More events between the accusation and the physical. I felt like I did the first day i found about the A. Worse actually. Like I'd been fooled again in the worst way. I am ashamed to say I lost it. Totally out of control. We were both drinking. I then got even more drunk. Then I confronted WS again. Made a huge scene. That is when the kids got up and I told them why I was upset and that we were getting a divorce. That is when it got physical. I participated. For some reason, you are backing off from your previous determination to end things. Why? Is he being all nice now and you think things might work? WS was very apologetic. You probably didn't read above about WS next morning pointing out how it was not a blatant, "lets get together message." Just "sorry my BS hurt you." And WS says sent it bc is afraid that AP or the other BS will come after us bc I'm so after the AP.
Author Confused48 Posted January 8, 2013 Author Posted January 8, 2013 OMG. I feel like whip lash. I'm an idiot. WS talked today to a friend who cheated also. Now WS feels supported. Not like it was a good idea to cheat but that it was not so awful either. Lots of people do it so what WS did is not that bad now, see? Crap. I think how stupid my WS is is for still loving the AP even though the AP dumped my WS. But how stupid am I? I still love the WS and can't take anyone's advice here to cut WS out of my life. I also can't stand the sight of WS now. So where does that leave me? In the fetal position with my head spinning. I can't hardly breath. I feel like I'm gonna puke. I'm sure some of you would say you want to puke at the thought of what a pathetic weak person I am. Life in hell.
Steen719 Posted January 8, 2013 Posted January 8, 2013 Once away from him, you will be surprised at how those feelings are not as strong. I didn't believe it, thought that was just what happened to other people, but not me. It took a while, but those strong loving feelings are no longer there for him and will never be. I feel more sympathy for him than anything. You are not pathetic. Your marriage has fallen apart and you are grieving. Don't drink while this is going on - it will exacerbate the problems. Once away from this toxic marriage, you will have much better perspective and wonder why it took you so long to feel some relief that you are no longer with him. Really. It is hard to believe, but it is true. But you cannot start to heal until you make some difficult decisions. If you stay in this situation, you will be harming yourself and your children, emotionally. Your H either needs to get his act straight or lose his safety net. Do what you know you need to do. You can do it!
2sure Posted January 8, 2013 Posted January 8, 2013 More than the cheating, it was the lies and gaslighting from my XH that brought me to the brink. Between my own confusion and pain and his mind f&ckery, I was not myself. I hated him yet wanted the marriage. I felt worthless, to myself, for being so stupid. I was so full of rage that when he called me crazy (to justify his lies) he was part right. I did things Im not sure I should have , because I felt violated and defensive. When I was able to step away, and focus and breathe, and be a mother...it was a lot easier. I'm not crazy and I wasn't then. I was in pain. There's a difference. You aren't pathetic. There isn't a manual for this.
Author Confused48 Posted January 8, 2013 Author Posted January 8, 2013 Thanks Steen & 2sure. Sounds good for the future. Gotta get through tonight. I do know that if nothing changes I will get rid of the WS. For sure. I've got a lawyer already. But today, tomorrow, until the WS is gone, then the first days the WS is gone out of my life, I'm not going to be functional. At all. I still will get rid of WS but like cutting off your nose to spite your face. One poster said he was hoping the earth would open up and swallow him. I'm feeling like that.
Recommended Posts