How often do you experience interest?

[ascendotum]

It's WAAAAY more than just genetics.

 

I personally don't think I'm super attractive, but the attention I get from women seems to contradict that (for the record, I hate talking about this crap because there's no way to do it without sounding arrogant, and I'm not arrogant). A lot of it has to do with attitude, persona, style (I keep it simple), confidence, etc.

 

For me, I've always been about individuality, having fun and not trying to impress anybody. My physical stats are nice, and those attributes might get my foot in the door, but its humor, intelligence, good stories, insightfulness etc that are the hook. Also, I don't really care if I meet women, and apathy is the #1 weapon in the arsenal against women.

 

BB, you must be selling yourself a little short in appearing to be modest, if you can get chicks approach just sitting on a park bench. (personality has not even come into the equation as variable in inspiring the woman to walk up to you and start a convo) Maybe not 'super attractive', but you got to be handsome/rugged masculine. As you said your looks are not the hook, but you must have good bait, if you get approached reguarly by decent lookers (lucky b**tard ).

[somedude81]

You probably won't because that doesn't happen to happy and confident guys.

Hah ha! It's gone full circle.

 

You basically confirmed my point.

 

There is no such thing as a happy and confident guy that doesn't get women. While I'm sure there is some sort of logical fallacy in this, I'm still going to say the happy and confident guys are that way because they get girls. If they didn't get girls, they'd stop being and always be

 

See you've got it the other way round. Problem of your life.

 

If you truly can't be confident around women at least learn how to fake it till you make it a little, but you need to use some other aspects of your life to help you out there. Is there something you are really passionate about and feel you're good at? Your course or the dancing maybe? Something you can talk about just because you like talking about it?

Faking confidence is hard because I don't even know what or how to fake. I can fake confidence just as easily as you can make a giraffe sound.

 

BB, you must be selling yourself a little short in appearing to be modest, if you can get chicks approach just sitting on a park bench. (personality has not even come into the equation as variable in inspiring the woman to walk up to you and start a convo) Maybe not 'super attractive', but you got to be handsome/rugged masculine. As you said your looks are not the hook, but you must have good bait, if you get approached reguarly by decent lookers (lucky b**tard ).

But you see, when he's sitting on the bench he's projecting his aura like Goku and all the ladies are instantly drawn to him.

 

"Ooh, is that your hair? How did you get it so blond? What product do you use to make it stand up?"

[KungFuJoe]

I think some of the big girls in my salsa class flirted with me but I'm prone to mistaking friendliness as interest. Every woman who I thought was flirting with me in the past 5 years wanted nothing more than friendship when I tried to make some sort of move.

 

The only conclusion that I can come to is that nobody has actually flirted with or shown interest in me for as long as I've been in my current school.

 

I was gonna comment in this but your post is the perfect lead in.

 

I didn't even kiss a girl all through high school. Nothing. Nada. And I wasn't a hermit...I played varsity basketball for a school that was all about basketball...so everyone knew who I was. But I was very shy and awkward around girls. And I just felt like no one showed any interest. But either way, I was too scared to actually ask a girl out.

 

I think when you have self confidence issues, like I did, you tend to not see any interest coming your way. You shrug it off as not possible or you think they just see you as a friend. You miss the signs, even when some of them are completely obvious.

 

Anyways, fast forward to today and it's a completely different story. I can read interest pretty easily now from body language and how someone talks to me. Just the other weekend I went to a Xmas party and there was this very attractive girl there (she was a pin up model) and we ended up talking near the end of the night. But even earlier in the night when I would happen to look her way, she would smile at me. She approached me first and mentioned how she liked my bow tie (it was a themed party), etc. In the past, I would have completely shrugged it off as her just being nice, but I could just tell there was actual interest...and my wife, who is very observant, told me the next day that she could tell the girl liked me.

 

And just to illustrate how horrible my "radar" was back then...in high school, I had a huge crush on who I and many considered the cutest girl in the school who was one of the "popular" ones. But of course I figured she was out of my league and no way in hell she would have any real interest in me. That girl is now my wife of 10 years and the one I constantly mention in all my posts. She had a crush on me back then too, but I just though she was being nice.

 

Yeah, I was freakin clueless.

[Keenly]

Just FYI, I have little confidence. However, I know when to project false confidence, and sell it. In the last 2 years I have had at least 6 women approach me with interest.

 

 

Confidence means nothing if you are boring / not funny / don't know how to keep a conversation going.

 

Be sarcastic. Take the conversation to the border of inappropriate. Shock her with humor. Tell a cheesy joke that is kind of mean...

 

Ever had Ethiopian food? (Of course she will say no) Respond with Neither have they. Keep a straight face with a slight smile. It really is not that difficult.

[KungFuJoe]

Be careful with the racist jokes. Yours was pretty tame but I've had girls get mad at me for them.

[Keenly]

Be careful with the racist jokes. Yours was pretty tame but I've had girls get mad at me for them.

 

Offensive humor is my specialty, and that's actually really good if she gets mad. Lets me know I am barking up the wrong tree.

 

For example, a girl I work with is extremely feminist and extremely politically correct. When I first started working there she was shocked and offended at my jokes. Now she really likes me and asks me out frequently, however because I have seen the signs that her sense of humor and mine are not compatible, and humor is a HUGE part of my life, I see that it wouldn't really work out.

 

Not all women have to like you.... Just one. Statistically speaking, the odds are in our favor.

[KungFuJoe]

Offensive humor is my specialty, and that's actually really good if she gets mad. Lets me know I am barking up the wrong tree.

 

For example, a girl I work with is extremely feminist and extremely politically correct. When I first started working there she was shocked and offended at my jokes. Now she really likes me and asks me out frequently, however because I have seen the signs that her sense of humor and mine are not compatible, and humor is a HUGE part of my life, I see that it wouldn't really work out.

 

Not all women have to like you.... Just one. Statistically speaking, the odds are in our favor.

 

I know. But that's YOU. You're telling others to be a certain way. The only "way" a person should be is who they really are.

[somedude81]

I was gonna comment in this but your post is the perfect lead in.

 

I didn't even kiss a girl all through high school. Nothing. Nada. And I wasn't a hermit...I played varsity basketball for a school that was all about basketball...so everyone knew who I was. But I was very shy and awkward around girls. And I just felt like no one showed any interest. But either way, I was too scared to actually ask a girl out.

But didn't you have high confidence because you played varsity?

 

(Not a dig at you but at all the people who say to get confident in something and then trying to get us to believe that it would magically translate to confidence with women)

 

I think when you have self confidence issues, like I did, you tend to not see any interest coming your way. You shrug it off as not possible or you think they just see you as a friend. You miss the signs, even when some of them are completely obvious.

The thing is Joe, I've asked out every single girl that I thought was at least somewhat interested in me.

 

Although I'm sure there were a few girls that were giving me signs of interest that I didn't pick up on.

 

My interest detection system is probably broken. I detect interest when there isn't any, and I don't pick up on the true hits, if they existed.

 

Just looking back at my salsa class. The girl who I though I had the best shot with ended up having a boyfriend. Another girl who I thought I had a decent chance with acted very cold towards me at the big dance for no reason and the third girl who I actually ended up asking out over Facebook ignored me whenever I suggested getting together. There was another girl who I talked a bit to in class and over Facebook and we ran into each other at a salsa dance off campus and she ended up spending the night talking to other guys.

 

I basically had four false positives. So it's not about me shrugging off interest thinking it's not possible. It's the complete opposite.

 

 

Anyways, fast forward to today and it's a completely different story. I can read interest pretty easily now from body language and how someone talks to me. Just the other weekend I went to a Xmas party and there was this very attractive girl there (she was a pin up model) and we ended up talking near the end of the night. But even earlier in the night when I would happen to look her way, she would smile at me. She approached me first and mentioned how she liked my bow tie (it was a themed party), etc. In the past, I would have completely shrugged it off as her just being nice, but I could just tell there was actual interest...and my wife, who is very observant, told me the next day that she could tell the girl liked me.

 

And just to illustrate how horrible my "radar" was back then...in high school, I had a huge crush on who I and many considered the cutest girl in the school who was one of the "popular" ones. But of course I figured she was out of my league and no way in hell she would have any real interest in me. That girl is now my wife of 10 years and the one I constantly mention in all my posts. She had a crush on me back then too, but I just though she was being nice.

 

Yeah, I was freakin clueless.

It's great that things completely worked out for you.

[Keenly]

I know. But that's YOU. You're telling others to be a certain way. The only "way" a person should be is who they really are.

 

 

Just like how you don't NEED confidence to pick up a woman, which was my original point.

[GirlontheLam]

 

Be sarcastic. Take the conversation to the border of inappropriate. Shock her with humor. Tell a cheesy joke that is kind of mean...

 

Ever had Ethiopian food? (Of course she will say no) Respond with Neither have they. Keep a straight face with a slight smile. It really is not that difficult.

 

If you said that to me....I'd think you were an a-hole. ANd I go out for Ethiopian food all the time.

 

Sarcasm is fine, I am really sarcastic in general. Being offensive...well it only works with certain types of women.

 

Be yourself. Whatever that is.

[Keenly]

If you said that to me....I'd think you were an a-hole. ANd I go out for Ethiopian food all the time.

 

Sarcasm is fine, I am really sarcastic in general. Being offensive...well it only works with certain types of women.

 

Be yourself. Whatever that is.

 

Well that's fine, but what would you do later on when you find out I was the furthest thing from an *******?

[KungFuJoe]

Well that's fine, but what would you do later on when you find out I was the furthest thing from an *******?

 

You wouldn't even have that chance. First impressions are very important.

[Keenly]

You wouldn't even have that chance.

 

Based on what? If this statement was true, then how have I had relationships in the past? This is my formula, and I have chosen it based on results. I don't know why it happens or what works about. It just does. Keep them laughing, keep interested conversation flowing. I talk with my hands so I make some pretty exaggerated gestures. Before I even realize whats going on I either get a hot signal or a cold signal. Red or green, and I decide what to do from there.

[KungFuJoe]

Based on what? If this statement was true, then how have I had relationships in the past? This is my formula, and I have chosen it based on results. I don't know why it happens or what works about. It just does. Keep them laughing, keep interested conversation flowing. I talk with my hands so I make some pretty exaggerated gestures. Before I even realize whats going on I either get a hot signal or a cold signal. Red or green, and I decide what to do from there.

 

Once again...that works for you because that is who you are.

[Keenly]

Once again...that works for you because that is who you are.

 

Then no one can give advice. Because its who they are.

[KungFuJoe]

Somedude,

 

I had confidence on the court. Off the court...not so much.

 

I guess the only thing about me was that not being good with women, even though I wished I was...it really didn't bother me all that much. I mean it did when I would go out to bars and clubs and watch my friends hook up while I held up the bar or a nearby wall...but other than that (and I stopped doing the whole bar hopping everyday when I was 22/23) it wasn't a big deal. I had a lot of friends and I had basketball to keep me occupied.

 

I know it sounds like a cliche but once I stopped caring and trying so hard, it seemed things got easier.

[KungFuJoe]

Then no one can give advice. Because its who they are.

 

And that is the best advice you can give.

[GirlontheLam]

Well that's fine, but what would you do later on when you find out I was the furthest thing from an *******?

 

I would have written you off. Someone did try that joke on me one time actually. Back in college. I thought it was super rude. Especially considering a few of my close friends were ethiopian. And even more dumb was were were supposed to be living in a place that was emphasizing being tolerant and getting to know different types of people.

 

Anyway, generally speaking....people who make jokes about race or ethnicity don't fly with me. That doesn't mean it isn't possible to make one that isn't offensive..but you don't know what the line is until you get to know someone.

 

People are supposed to put their best foot forward at the beginning. If that's the foot you lead with....you have already started 100 miles behind.

[Keenly]

I would have written you off. Someone did try that joke on me one time actually. Back in college. I thought it was super rude. Especially considering a few of my close friends were ethiopian. And even more dumb was were were supposed to be living in a place that was emphasizing being tolerant and getting to know different types of people.

 

Anyway, generally speaking....people who make jokes about race or ethnicity don't fly with me. That doesn't mean it isn't possible to make one that isn't offensive..but you don't know what the line is until you get to know someone.

 

People are supposed to put their best foot forward at the beginning. If that's the foot you lead with....you have already started 100 miles behind.

 

But to take an obvious attempt to invoke a humorous response and some how make it literal and apply it to my personality is pretty judgmental if you ask me. There are a million jokes I could pull from, like I hate goldfish because they always play coy. That's more of an audible joke rather than a written one though. Just because I try and make people laugh doesn't instantly make me racist or something like that.

[GirlontheLam]

But to take an obvious attempt to invoke a humorous response and some how make it literal and apply it to my personality is pretty judgmental if you ask me. There are a million jokes I could pull from, like I hate goldfish because they always play coy. That's more of an audible joke rather than a written one though. Just because I try and make people laugh doesn't instantly make me racist or something like that.

 

Making jokes about goldfish is wildly different than making jokes about famine and political unrest. Like I said...it all depends on what you lead with. There are a million inappropriate jokes that wouldn't bother me as a lead in.

[Keenly]

Making jokes about goldfish is wildly different than making jokes about famine and political unrest. Like I said...it all depends on what you lead with. There are a million inappropriate jokes that wouldn't bother me as a lead in.

 

See but like I said, that's good though... It's clear that my sense of humor wouldn't work with yours. If I know that right off the bat, (very important thing to me) then I got that information instantly rather than later. It's all in good humor, no need to take it too seriously.

[GirlontheLam]

See but like I said, that's good though... It's clear that my sense of humor wouldn't work with yours. If I know that right off the bat, (very important thing to me) then I got that information instantly rather than later. It's all in good humor, no need to take it too seriously.

 

Very true.....for me.....it is a very delicate dance to use jokes that deal with stereotyping people. I am not OK with it, until I know that this isn't part of your overall belief system.

 

In my book, the best initial jokes are always situational...

[KungFuJoe]

Again, this is just me, but I think actual jokes (something with a punchline) is just corny on a first date or any kind of initial meeting.

 

To me, it just seems like you're trying too hard.

[Necris]

Dude, I feel like you're just totally missing the boat. Allow me to spell it out:

 

WOMEN WANT CONFIDENT MEN

 

Not men who are confident because they can pull, but confident in general. Confident as in, you're walking down the street, and you're walking tall and proud because you dig who you are. Confident because you don't need anybody's help to be happy and you know it. Confident because you have put the time and effort into being the best person you can be.

 

This is not finite math.....you guys can do it. Simple, simple s**t. It just takes recalibrating your value system so that your worth is not defined externally. Forget about the fly ride, the wardrobe, the status and the material possessions. At the end of the day, if thats all you have to offer, then the girls you attract and end up with are going to be just like those other things.....look good on the outside, valueless and empty otherwise. But when you bring real intrinsic worth, you end up attracting beautiful women.

 

A lot of it is mindset, too. I just don't care, and when I walk into a room, everybody knows I don't care. I have three kids. I care about them. I have good friends and family. I care about them. Everybody else.....not so much. So I don't worry about first impressions. I don't care about what I have compared to other guys (externally), because I know im good internally. I don't covet wealth or possessions.

 

This is actually funny. I have a good buddy who is a very successful attorney. Has his own practice, makes tons of $$$, has a beautiful home, nice cars, vacation homes, good looking guy, etc. He's a cool dude, but he tends to define success extrinsically, and exudes that when we go out. I'm just the scruffy dirt-head beatnik bum, and everytime we go anywhere, the girls just roll to me. And it just eats away at him. He can't understand how I get so much attention when I don't even care about or have the material stuff. We were out one night and ended up sharing a table with a couple who was out for their anniversary. The girl was hot, the guy was cool, and we just sat there and jived with them for awhile. Well, the chick wad digging me, and even told her husband that I had a better chance of getting with her that night than he did (he wasn't happy about that comment). So, at the end of the night, I'm walking out and the girl runs over to hug me and then gives me her number (of course, i don't even entertain the thought of doing anything with it). Anyway, my buddy was like, 'How in the f**k do you do that?!?', and I just shrugged my shoulders. He sat there all night trying to get attention by marketing of his stuff, while I spent the same time probably staring off at a wall wondering what I was going to have for lunch the next day. Don't know....can't explain it. But its hilarious how much it eats away at this guy, which then of course encourages me to try to do even more with even less.

 

Anyway, the point is, when you can culture your own authentic happiness and fulfilment, it will show on you like a sign and other people will notice. You want to go out and just try to pull using protocol from The Game or some crap like that, fine. You'll get out of it what you put into it, which will be little, so even if you do scam a little hooch here and there, youre going to go back to an empty life after you finish. Instead of playing games to work up your head count and impress your friends, fill the emptiness in your own world, and all the hooch you could ever want will come to you, except it won't be hooch, it will be amazing, cool, intelligent, successful worthwhile women. Trust me.....there's a difference.

 

 

Aren't you the guy who sits on a park bench and girls approach you? If so, then you aren't really proving your point here, you must be somehow ridiculously attractive or just lucky.

 

Why, you ask? If random women are approaching you without you putting in any effort they have no time to see your confidence or really your personality, your confidence doesn't even come in to play as you don't have to do anything. As it takes confidence to ask a girl out, it takes no confidence to just sit on a bench. Not trying to sound rude, but your example doesn't really illustrate the importance of confidence.

 

Now if by confidence you mean your self-esteem and self-respect now that does make some level of difference but not much, if you walk around with your head down feeling like you are garbage you won't get much respect and that won't be that attractive, while if you feel good about yourself you'll be more attractive than the guy who feels like garbage. Though if the guy who feels like garbage is somehow more charismatic and more attractive than the guy who has higher self-esteem he'll be more attractive.

 

As for my self my self-esteem is probably average I don't feel like I am the best man that ever lived but I don't feel like garbage either. So it still plays very little effect in the dating arena.

[unluckyinlove4]

I was wondering how often are you approached, flirted with, etc? Also people you aren't attracted to still count for this question.

 

 

If I'm doing OLD, I probably get 5-10 messages a day, depending on the day. Sometimes less, sometimes more.

 

If I'm just out and about, I tend to get approached quite a bit...maybe 1 or 2 guys a day, depending on where I am and what I'm doing. Not always, of course....if I'm clearly on a date or with family I usually don't. Although once I was approached whilst on a date! haha