crashvector Posted January 4, 2013 Posted January 4, 2013 Made my way to her house to get my things. I sent her a text telling her where I had left the key and such. We exchanged a few very emotional text messages, with her finally saying "i get this is hard. I hope we can pull off the friendship thing eventually" I took the opportunity and said "sorry for my emotional display..you always said im a very soft hearted man. However, understand that if we are ever to be friends, eventually there are things i must say that you must hear." She responded "I know...i will listen when things calm down with (her sons name). I DO love you so very much, id just rather do this now than wait until i grow to resent you, but i promise you, i know how much i have hurt you and how much you wanted to marry me. I wanted to be your wife with all my heart, i promise. I just couldnt bear to grow to resent and then hate...the man i love so much" I replied "thank you. You didnt have to grow to resent me...we could have talked about it. This is your decision, and i understand. I will back off again until (her son) is okay, and you have time to talk. (My son) says hi and thank you for the gifts." Her: give him a hug for me. I miss him, too. Me: only if you agree to do the same for me with your kids And that was it.
jags2bowl27 Posted January 4, 2013 Posted January 4, 2013 That just doesn't make sense... There is more to this
Author crashvector Posted January 4, 2013 Author Posted January 4, 2013 That just doesn't make sense... There is more to this Thats what i say, but if there is, i am unaware of it, i assure you. Perhaps she will tell me when we speak. I personally think all the stress, but mostly what her sister in law told her, got under her skin and she overreacted, but has convinced herself that SOMEHOW, this is for the best. I keep trying to make sense of it, but something just isnt rational about it, and i cant put my finger on it. Maybe its hormone-related emotional psychosis or something? Shes been having big-time menopause issues...
FailedFirstLove Posted January 5, 2013 Posted January 5, 2013 Why would she grow to resent you? I'm confused. Why would she resent you? 1
Author crashvector Posted January 5, 2013 Author Posted January 5, 2013 Why would she grow to resent you? I'm confused. Why would she resent you? Bc she said the way i asked her for more time made her feel scolded and criticized, and that i thought that if i simply harassed her enough, she would find a way to make more time. But like i said, she NEVER made me aware my approach made her feel that way or else i would have done something different. I never realized i was making her feel that way.
suladas Posted January 5, 2013 Posted January 5, 2013 I really doubt the whole reason for the break up was that one thing, I simply believe if anything it was just last final straw to end it. But it doesn't matter, it's over and the reasons don't matter.
FailedFirstLove Posted January 5, 2013 Posted January 5, 2013 Yeah it seems too simple for the break up. I think she does have other reasons. And the frustrating thing is we will probably never know. And by the time you reach friendship she will probably say I don't even remeber why I broke up with you. I was just overwhelmed. Funny how they can make a big life decision so quickly
Jono85 Posted January 5, 2013 Posted January 5, 2013 I really doubt the whole reason for the break up was that one thing, I simply believe if anything it was just last final straw to end it. But it doesn't matter, it's over and the reasons don't matter. it's not even a doubt..it's clearly a FACT that it wasn't the reason for the breakup. it was just the last straw as you say. she used it as an out. OP will probs never TRULY find out the truth as to why she doesn't want to be with him. same with most of us. oh well, it sucks, but gotta get up and continue on.
todreaminblue Posted January 5, 2013 Posted January 5, 2013 I dotn understand why she felt scolded, i dont understand how she can say she wanted to be your wife with all her heart i dont understand her reasoning method of breaking up or understand why she did what she did...i also don't think her feeling pressured when you asked for more time should have come into it at all, if ever.....when you agree to marry someone that is a 24 hour a day forever thing....she agreed to marry you she is old enough and definitely mature enough to understand the connotations and commitment of marriage....so i too think there is something more.....and hopefully one day she just might come clean..i have mental issues i know that if i agree to marry someone its forever......and you don't take it lightly or give up an engagement to marry even a huge blow up can be discussed, for feeling scolded.....doesnt make sense to me..sounds more like cold feet...deb
jags2bowl27 Posted January 5, 2013 Posted January 5, 2013 honestly crash, we all are saying the same thing. id stay far far away, even after things have calmed down. its time to protect yourself, she is hiding something and if it was me, id run right now and chill out. My chick actually came back out of being selfish and jealous that i found someone else in 2 months... i dont see this even happening. she isnt being true with her feelings just like my ex still to this day isnt being true. they say **** that they dont mean. ACTIONS OVER WORDS. NO ACTIONS, let her go:mad:
MyAngel Posted January 5, 2013 Posted January 5, 2013 I have thought for a while there is more to what she is letting on. Will you ever know? Probably not. So what's done is done, try and move on as best you can. You need someone emotionaly available who will love you the way you love her. You adored this woman; she couldn't give you the same amount of love. You will find a woman who will.
Author crashvector Posted January 5, 2013 Author Posted January 5, 2013 I just wish she would be honest and tell me. Well, that is if she really does I have some other reason. I mean, I would not want to make the same kind of mistake in a future relationship, so if I was doing something wrong the entire time, it would be really helpful to know.
FailedFirstLove Posted January 5, 2013 Posted January 5, 2013 To be honest I don't think she fully knows why either. She probably just feels like she's overwhelmed. Don't expect her to tell you an exact answer. It feels like **** not knowing but in the end you have to accept it
Author crashvector Posted January 5, 2013 Author Posted January 5, 2013 To be honest I don't think she fully knows why either. She probably just feels like she's overwhelmed. Don't expect her to tell you an exact answer. It feels like **** not knowing but in the end you have to accept it When i told her that she would eventually have to listen to me, she said "I know, and i will" so at least there's that.
FailedFirstLove Posted January 5, 2013 Posted January 5, 2013 When i told her that she would eventually have to listen to me, she said "I know, and i will" so at least there's that. What are you going to say to her? I don't know what else you could say apart from how hurt you are, which she already knows. you want her to feel guilty? she probably does already. if not then she's heartless! What do you want to achieve after talking to her? It will probably open up the wounds that's beginning to scab.
jags2bowl27 Posted January 5, 2013 Posted January 5, 2013 What are you going to say to her? I don't know what else you could say apart from how hurt you are, which she already knows. you want her to feel guilty? she probably does already. if not then she's heartless! What do you want to achieve after talking to her? It will probably open up the wounds that's beginning to scab. Not to mention making her feel guilty wont help anything either, she will just go further and further away.
Author crashvector Posted January 5, 2013 Author Posted January 5, 2013 What are you going to say to her? I don't know what else you could say apart from how hurt you are, which she already knows. you want her to feel guilty? she probably does already. if not then she's heartless! What do you want to achieve after talking to her? It will probably open up the wounds that's beginning to scab. Basically, I plan to puke my emotions all over her. Told you, I'm honest.
FailedFirstLove Posted January 5, 2013 Posted January 5, 2013 Basically, I plan to puke my emotions all over her. Told you, I'm honest. I would puke it out to friends and family. Or on this forum. If u love her would u want her to be more stressed? But really who cares about her now. It's more you. Seeing her. Opening up wounds that's yet to heal is dangerous. U REALY wanna go back to stage 1? I think you should wait abit. Till you can see her without crying and being so emotional. That way whatever she says u will come out okay and ready. And it won't freak her out from the emotional dump you put on her
Survivor12 Posted January 5, 2013 Posted January 5, 2013 Well, in her last message, she made a point to reiterate that she very much wants to. It was in response to a message I sent to her saying "I just want to know how to proceed here: Is it your wish that I would just go away completely for good...or do you want to try and be friends once this is all over and the dust clears? In the case of the former, please be honest with me for once...I'm a big boy, I can take it." and she said "I would like to remain friends, I WANT to, and I promise you I mean this with all of my heart." So I think she's being sincere...BUT...in order for us to be friends (after a long, LONG period of NC and probably not until after I am established in another committed relationship), she MUST allow me the justice of having her look me in the eyes and tell MY story about this to her without her being able to escape the gravity of the pain she has caused. I've been sympathetic and supportive of you all along and, frankly, quite confused about why she broke up with you. In your last few posts, however, I am seeing a glimmer of something that hasn't been obvious up to now. Please understand, I am not in any way doubting your love for her or that you did your best to treat her very well. What I am seeing is that you seem to think that your way of showing love and respect is the only "right" way. You even dictate what you believe she (and everyone else) is "owed". Frankly, I happen to prefer that people treat me according to their own sense of conscience. If someone treats me well, I would rather not think that it was because they feel obligated to satisfy my "demands", but that's just me. Also, while you are so eager to find out the truth & to make sure she lives up to your "code" of honor and justice, it seems that you have been less than honest with her about your intent. When you asked her about remaining friends, you didn't include the fact that she would have to face and accept your form of "justice". Then, when you asked to meet with her to discuss what to do about the children, you left out your real intent--the opportunity to look her in the eyes and cause her pain. Like I said, I really couldn't understand why she broke up with you when she did--over a mere comment about wanting to spend some alone time with her--but after reading your more recent comments, I can't help but wonder if it was the last straw for her...she simply had enough of giving in to what you prefer. In a word, it sounds as though you could be a bit controlling or, at the very least, "pushy". That in all your effort to give, you assumed that giving her what YOU wanted would be best, overlooking what SHE wanted. Look, I don't know if I'm off base or not, but if there is even a small part of what I've said that could be slightly true, I would encourage you to rethink your planned confrontation. If you really want to keep open the possibility of ever getting back together, the worst thing you could do is to push your demands and expectations on her. Instead, listen to her. Let her tell you why in her own way. You know, it's very possible that she broke up with you on the phone because she felt the need to have some control over the situation. Maybe she was afraid she wouldn't be strong enough to overcome your attempts to change her mind. Whatever her reasons are--even if they differ from what you would have done--does not mean that they are invalid so, please, let her own them. One last thing. If you have any hope of having even a friendship with her, I would encourage you to work through your anger before you meet with her. One step at a time... PS Please know that I am sincerely trying to help you, not beating up on you. You asked for reasons why & I am offering a possibility based on what I have read in your posts.
Author crashvector Posted January 5, 2013 Author Posted January 5, 2013 I've been sympathetic and supportive of you all along and, frankly, quite confused about why she broke up with you. In your last few posts, however, I am seeing a glimmer of something that hasn't been obvious up to now. Please understand, I am not in any way doubting your love for her or that you did your best to treat her very well. What I am seeing is that you seem to think that your way of showing love and respect is the only "right" way. You even dictate what you believe she (and everyone else) is "owed". Frankly, I happen to prefer that people treat me according to their own sense of conscience. If someone treats me well, I would rather not think that it was because they feel obligated to satisfy my "demands", but that's just me. Also, while you are so eager to find out the truth & to make sure she lives up to your "code" of honor and justice, it seems that you have been less than honest with her about your intent. When you asked her about remaining friends, you didn't include the fact that she would have to face and accept your form of "justice". Then, when you asked to meet with her to discuss what to do about the children, you left out your real intent--the opportunity to look her in the eyes and cause her pain. Like I said, I really couldn't understand why she broke up with you when she did--over a mere comment about wanting to spend some alone time with her--but after reading your more recent comments, I can't help but wonder if it was the last straw for her...she simply had enough of giving in to what you prefer. In a word, it sounds as though you could be a bit controlling or, at the very least, "pushy". That in all your effort to give, you assumed that giving her what YOU wanted would be best, overlooking what SHE wanted. Look, I don't know if I'm off base or not, but if there is even a small part of what I've said that could be slightly true, I would encourage you to rethink your planned confrontation. If you really want to keep open the possibility of ever getting back together, the worst thing you could do is to push your demands and expectations on her. Instead, listen to her. Let her tell you why in her own way. You know, it's very possible that she broke up with you on the phone because she felt the need to have some control over the situation. Maybe she was afraid she wouldn't be strong enough to overcome your attempts to change her mind. Whatever her reasons are--even if they differ from what you would have done--does not mean that they are invalid so, please, let her own them. One last thing. If you have any hope of having even a friendship with her, I would encourage you to work through your anger before you meet with her. One step at a time... PS Please know that I am sincerely trying to help you, not beating up on you. You asked for reasons why & I am offering a possibility based on what I have read in your posts. I appreciate your perspective. The main reason I would disagree is because I have a "live and let live" attitude about most things. She and I were alike in a LOT of ways, but different in a lot of ways, too. I actually appreciated it. Part of what I grew to REALLY like about dating an older woman was that she was independent an knew what she liked, etc and would SAY what she wanted instead of making me guess. Also, I often gave in to her desires to the point where she would tell me "You know, its OKAY to have an opinion about stuff. If you dont wanna do (whatever it was) you know you can say so." However, PART of what you are saying is true: It's the unspoken contract: I treat you REALLY well and you dont hurt me, and give me the affection and attention I want. I guess I could be pushy about the time issue from time to time, but I dont think I scolded her about it.
Mr.White Posted January 5, 2013 Posted January 5, 2013 She will NEVER tell you the reason behind it. Quoted from TaraMaiden "Closure comes from within" My ex said she wanted to find herself. Find herself with another man that is!
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