Don't Posted January 4, 2013 Posted January 4, 2013 Hello there, I am 28 and my gf (23) have been dating for almost three years and she broke up with me two weeks a go and she was crying and she told me she cares about me a lot. I couldn't react much that day. All I said was i respect her decision and I want her to be happy without me rather than being unhappy without me. I cried too and we hugged each other that's all. She told me if i have any questions do not hesitate to message her on fbook. The next day i was feeling crap and i sent her a message asking what is really going on. She graduated eight months a go from economics major. She is a vrey bright girl indeed but she is having financial problems. She has to find a job and pay her school loans, no money to pay rent. Basically she has to figure out her life. She lost her aunt last month unfortunately because of cancer. I was really nice to her and there was not cheating lying or abuse in the relationship at all. Anyway that's what she told me on fbook: "That was an extremely hard decision for me to make, but I cannot continue to lead you on when I know that the relationship will not make it in the future. I do enjoy the time we spend together, but there are some incompatibilities that make me feel like I am annoyed with you a lot of the time, and then I feel like I'm constantly a ***** when at heart, I am not. In the end, I think that there is someone for you who treats you better than I do and someone for me that I don't constantly criticize in my mind. I'm not sure why I find myself constantly critical of you, I guess some things just nag at you over time, but it does my brain in on occasion and causes me stress. I do not expect a perfect relationship and the "honeymoon" period was gone a long time ago, and I still was happy. But I lost my feelings for you some time ago, and I couldn't get them back despite my trying. I also feel like I need to be alone to focus on myself for a while. I need to decide what to do with my life. I am sad about this coming to an end because I feel like I could probably still be friends with you in the future, but not until we have both moved on. I am at peace with the decision to break up. It is hard for me too because I still care about you a lot. I want you to be happy, and I never ever wanted to hurt you. I worry about your feelings which is why I might have put this off for a couple weeks. Don't beat yourself up over it, just try your best and always think how you can improve yourself. I wasn't doing that lately which is why now I will focus on making myself a better person. I think something I learned is that I will take relationships slower from now on. It gives you time to evaluate how things are going. I'm worried that if we continue exchanging messages, it is going to make the pain worse. I will try to stop talking to you for a while. Obviously we need to meet to exchange for my laptop and the stuff that I have of yours. I might contact you next month for that. Try to have a good holiday. Good bye." I went on NC after that for 10 days after this and on the new year's I texted her saying "happy new year" that's all and she didn't reply that's cool. I don't expect her to say anything since it is a fresh cut. I am still in NC but yesterday on fbook i started talking to her best friend asking how she was doing and i miss her. That's what she said: "Hey, We are doing well. Hope you had a good new years too. She came up for NYE but I think she's going back to the valley again soon. And I'm sure after things settle down you both will have a chance to talk about everything. Take care". Her family lives in the valley which is an hour far away from the city. Maybe she is moving there since she is having trouble in the city. Could be anything. I am being alone now trying to work on myself and keeping busy. On the other hand I miss her and I wonder if i will be able to talk to her in the future and ask for a fresh start maybe within three or four months. Should I ask for a new start after a while if i still have feelings for her or be quiet let let her be? Anyone experienced something similar to this? Thank you and sorry about the long post, cheers!
pteromom Posted January 4, 2013 Posted January 4, 2013 Honestly it could go either way. Our speculation is no more accurate than yours. Could be that time apart would make her realize she could try again with you. Could be that she stands by what she wrote and is done for good. I've seen both. But she was pretty articulate and blunt in her email to you. She isn't asking for a break - she's asking for a break-up. You can continue to just try to communicate with her once in a great while in hopes she will respond, but I wouldn't let it stop you from moving forward in your life.
RR1 Posted January 5, 2013 Posted January 5, 2013 There's always a second chance if you both want it.
skylark100 Posted January 5, 2013 Posted January 5, 2013 Hello there, I am 28 and my gf (23) have been dating for almost three years and she broke up with me two weeks a go and she was crying and she told me she cares about me a lot. I couldn't react much that day. All I said was i respect her decision and I want her to be happy without me rather than being unhappy without me. I cried too and we hugged each other that's all. She told me if i have any questions do not hesitate to message her on fbook. The next day i was feeling crap and i sent her a message asking what is really going on. She graduated eight months a go from economics major. She is a vrey bright girl indeed but she is having financial problems. She has to find a job and pay her school loans, no money to pay rent. Basically she has to figure out her life. She lost her aunt last month unfortunately because of cancer. I was really nice to her and there was not cheating lying or abuse in the relationship at all. Anyway that's what she told me on fbook: "That was an extremely hard decision for me to make, but I cannot continue to lead you on when I know that the relationship will not make it in the future. I do enjoy the time we spend together, but there are some incompatibilities that make me feel like I am annoyed with you a lot of the time, and then I feel like I'm constantly a ***** when at heart, I am not. In the end, I think that there is someone for you who treats you better than I do and someone for me that I don't constantly criticize in my mind. I'm not sure why I find myself constantly critical of you, I guess some things just nag at you over time, but it does my brain in on occasion and causes me stress. I do not expect a perfect relationship and the "honeymoon" period was gone a long time ago, and I still was happy. But I lost my feelings for you some time ago, and I couldn't get them back despite my trying. I also feel like I need to be alone to focus on myself for a while. I need to decide what to do with my life. I am sad about this coming to an end because I feel like I could probably still be friends with you in the future, but not until we have both moved on. I am at peace with the decision to break up. It is hard for me too because I still care about you a lot. I want you to be happy, and I never ever wanted to hurt you. I worry about your feelings which is why I might have put this off for a couple weeks. Don't beat yourself up over it, just try your best and always think how you can improve yourself. I wasn't doing that lately which is why now I will focus on making myself a better person. I think something I learned is that I will take relationships slower from now on. It gives you time to evaluate how things are going. I'm worried that if we continue exchanging messages, it is going to make the pain worse. I will try to stop talking to you for a while. Obviously we need to meet to exchange for my laptop and the stuff that I have of yours. I might contact you next month for that. Try to have a good holiday. Good bye." I went on NC after that for 10 days after this and on the new year's I texted her saying "happy new year" that's all and she didn't reply that's cool. I don't expect her to say anything since it is a fresh cut. I am still in NC but yesterday on fbook i started talking to her best friend asking how she was doing and i miss her. That's what she said: "Hey, We are doing well. Hope you had a good new years too. She came up for NYE but I think she's going back to the valley again soon. And I'm sure after things settle down you both will have a chance to talk about everything. Take care". Her family lives in the valley which is an hour far away from the city. Maybe she is moving there since she is having trouble in the city. Could be anything. I am being alone now trying to work on myself and keeping busy. On the other hand I miss her and I wonder if i will be able to talk to her in the future and ask for a fresh start maybe within three or four months. Should I ask for a new start after a while if i still have feelings for her or be quiet let let her be? Anyone experienced something similar to this? Thank you and sorry about the long post, cheers! I'm sorry you have to go through this, almost all of us have been there at one point or another, remember that there will always better days, and often life is going to throw you a curveball like this. You handled it gracefully. Cudos! I agree with one of the posters, it's really hard to speculate. Only you know for sure what you feel, and how you want to proceed. Also NC is absolutely the right way to go IMO. Here a few points about her message you might want to think about. She sounds like she is being honest, but, doesn't give you specific details about what you did to nag her. You would think after 3 years she would be comfortable telling you. It's a bit of a cop out, and just an excuse. She also says she feels you could be friends. Well frankly, you invested a long time in the relationship too, and it wasn't to become friends. I can't speak for you, but I don't particularly want to become friends after being dumped, even if it is a year later. ( I know right now it seems better because it eases the pain.....but ultimately there is nothing in it for you. You will continue to have feelings for her, she will not for you!) She says she was constantly critical of you in her head. That's harsh! everyone has their quirks..I doubt she was perfect either. The biggest one however is that she doesn't have the spark, or feelings for you. I hate to say it, but when a woman decides this, it's practically impossible to change her mind, at least in my experience. When the switch is on, it's on. When it's off, it's off. There may be a slim chance, but it's really, really slim, that you could get her back. It's easy for me to be critical and non emotional in my analysis of the message....not so much for you right now. emotions cloud judgement, and it's so hard to analyze things objectively at this juncture. Honestly, after reading that I wouldn't be sure if I would want to try and get back together. I'm the same age as you, and pretty much in the same boat, so I really feel for you. Hopefully it all works out for the best, and if it really is the end, than at least you have gotten some closure and can move forward. 2
Author Don't Posted January 5, 2013 Author Posted January 5, 2013 I'm sorry you have to go through this, almost all of us have been there at one point or another, remember that there will always better days, and often life is going to throw you a curveball like this. You handled it gracefully. Cudos! I agree with one of the posters, it's really hard to speculate. Only you know for sure what you feel, and how you want to proceed. Also NC is absolutely the right way to go IMO. Here a few points about her message you might want to think about. She sounds like she is being honest, but, doesn't give you specific details about what you did to nag her. You would think after 3 years she would be comfortable telling you. It's a bit of a cop out, and just an excuse. She also says she feels you could be friends. Well frankly, you invested a long time in the relationship too, and it wasn't to become friends. I can't speak for you, but I don't particularly want to become friends after being dumped, even if it is a year later. ( I know right now it seems better because it eases the pain.....but ultimately there is nothing in it for you. You will continue to have feelings for her, she will not for you!) She says she was constantly critical of you in her head. That's harsh! everyone has their quirks..I doubt she was perfect either. The biggest one however is that she doesn't have the spark, or feelings for you. I hate to say it, but when a woman decides this, it's practically impossible to change her mind, at least in my experience. When the switch is on, it's on. When it's off, it's off. There may be a slim chance, but it's really, really slim, that you could get her back. It's easy for me to be critical and non emotional in my analysis of the message....not so much for you right now. emotions cloud judgement, and it's so hard to analyze things objectively at this juncture. Honestly, after reading that I wouldn't be sure if I would want to try and get back together. I'm the same age as you, and pretty much in the same boat, so I really feel for you. Hopefully it all works out for the best, and if it really is the end, than at least you have gotten some closure and can move forward. I totally agree with what you mean and thank you for the advice. I am still emotional on the other hand I am aware of the situation, her being harsh closing the doors and so on. Friendship is out of the question for now until I move on and perhaps find someone else. I don't want to be that friend who gets hurt all the time while hanging out with her. I made a decision that I will not be her friend for the sake of getting her back. That would be lame anyway. I have a question: Do women fall out of love because they think that there is a better guy out there and when she is sure that guy is willing to be hers then she drops the bomb on you. What I mean is do they break up with you when they are sure that the other guy will be theirs and they get rid of you before they get this guy. I am not saying there is another guy in her life since when i asked her face to face and i know she is a honest person she said definitely not. Plus she is going through some trouble and has to figure out her life. It is just during NC you get curious and ask these questions to yourself like where is she what is she doing is she talking to another man etc.... I know this is a bad idea but I can't help sometimes.
skylark100 Posted January 5, 2013 Posted January 5, 2013 I totally agree with what you mean and thank you for the advice. I am still emotional on the other hand I am aware of the situation' date=' her being harsh closing the doors and so on. Friendship is out of the question for now until I move on and perhaps find someone else. I don't want to be that friend who gets hurt all the time while hanging out with her. I made a decision that I will not be her friend for the sake of getting her back. That would be lame anyway. I have a question: Do women fall out of love because they think that there is a better guy out there and when she is sure that guy is willing to be hers then she drops the bomb on you. What I mean is do they break up with you when they are sure that the other guy will be theirs and they get rid of you before they get this guy. I am not saying there is another guy in her life since when i asked her face to face and i know she is a honest person she said definitely not. Plus she is going through some trouble and has to figure out her life. It is just during NC you get curious and ask these questions to yourself like where is she what is she doing is she talking to another man etc.... I know this is a bad idea but I can't help sometimes.[/quote'] I honestly think its different from girl to girl, and having never met yours, I would only be able to speculate, and considering I'm a guy, I have no idea what they think. A female perspective would be most helpful. Honestly if someone was actually devious enough to keep you around, while waiting to figure out of someone else was better and liked them, that's a huge red flag, and aren't worth the air they breath. Even if she is talking to other guys, it doesn't matter. Even if shes vacationing in Australia, it doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things. What's important now is that you start to feel comfortable being you.....without her, and remember that you are allowed to be happy and enjoy life too. ( it will take a while, but you'll figure it out)
Author Don't Posted January 7, 2013 Author Posted January 7, 2013 UPDATE: Apparently last week she went into my facebook account because I got a notice from facebook saying that someone else tried to log in please change your password and i realized it was her then who else could be? Anyway today I tried her fbook password and it worked I was in which i know was a low move but she did it before me. We must be both kids. Anyway I saw this in a private group convo with her besties. I will change the names as A(my ex) and B(her bff) A: He changed his facebook password and I tried to enter to see what he was saying about me. Damn I shouldn't be trying to go on anyway. For the best. Like · · Unfollow Post · December 28, 2012 at 3:29pm Seen by everyone B: Didn't take him long, he must be smart. A lot smarter than X is haha December 28, 2012 at 3:30pm · Like A: hahaha yea well I checked like the day after we broke up and he had immediately asked the girl he used to like for relationship advice so I'm sure whatever he's been doing he really wanted to keep to himself December 28, 2012 at 3:31pm · Like A: I can let my imagination run wild and it'd probably all be true lol December 28, 2012 at 3:34pm · Like A: before he met me he had like 20 girls he was taking to each day so I'm sure it's back to that. December 28, 2012 at 3:34pm · Like A: talking December 28, 2012 at 3:34pm · Like B: It's so tempting when you know the passwords. It's probably is best that he changed it so now you can't December 28, 2012 at 3:35pm · Like B: Has he stopped talking to you? December 28, 2012 at 3:36pm · Like A: Yeah I didn't want to look but it was tempting. He stopped talking and he posted a DJ mix called new beginnings so hopefully he's doing better. December 28, 2012 at 3:39pm via mobile · Like A: I'm sure his friends have been supportive lol they get to party all the time now that I'm out. December 28, 2012 at 3:40pm via mobile · Like B: His friends probably are happy haha, they can do whatever they want cos he won't say anything. It's good though, if he's moving on and then you can too. We'll have a single party in the city for you December 28, 2012 at 3:42pm · Like A: Haha yes another cheers night like the last one. December 28, 2012 at 3:43pm via mobile · Like B: XXX already said she wants to hang out more and YYY too so I'm sure there is opportunity for many.... olo December 28, 2012 at 3:45pm · Like A: Whoop woop December 28, 2012 at 3:45pm via mobile · Like · 1 I saw this laughed lol.
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