I'm new.. My story, just to offload.

[LaceyS]

This forum has become reading material for me of late, it's (in a way) nice to see other people experiencing a lot of my life.

 

I'm 14 months in as an OW, he is not M but long term, kids (2).

 

I almost want to say 'I/we never meant it to happen', but that's a lie.. We didnt expect anything other than to have sex once, maybe twice, and here we are. We have had a slow start to an A, in the beginning purely sexual; the last half other things have evolved.

 

I know her. She knows me, she knows I'm 'in there' somehow, just not how, when, how often we speak, just where I am in his life. She suspects I am 'soft' on him, and no more. I feel the guilt, but not enough to stop. She is beautiful.

 

Sometimes, I'm on a high, within the bubble, love of the A. Untouchable, we were meant to be, the adrenaline. We share a lot, emotionally as well as physically, we have a lot of fun.

 

Other times, I cry, I stare at my phone/email/iPad/my 1000 ways of contact, just looking for his name to ping up, it feels desperate, I'm prolonging my pain. I spend Xmas without him, my birthday, go on holiday without him.

 

I have only one outlet for this in real life; and she is sadly optimistic, and therefore misleading through her good nature.

 

I don't know what I'm posting for especially; an outlet I think. A meeting of women who know the highs and lows. I have come close especially over Xmas and new year to trying to decide where the next step for him and I is...it's all an inner turmoil and not voiced to him at the moment.

 

Thanks for reading.

[movingon45]

I can truly empathize with the high and low especially the waiting for the contact to happen again.

 

I ended the A but now regretting it. Can't bear with the NC, but I know that it's the only way to go to heal. I have to let go and grieve.

[LaceyS]

I suspect the way out is NC.. I am not even sure I want to 'give him up', even though I can see the bad is starting to affect me. I never used to get upset at the prospect of an end, I never wanted him... Now I do.

 

I can do NC; I have done it before in a much worse situation, although not an A (this is my first experience of being an OW, what a ride!).

 

I posted last night as he was travelling home from work (he works away now, home on weekends), and I had heard nothing all day. At midnight, my phone gets 3 texts from him, timed at 8, 930 and 10. I wait to reply as I know he is home; another text first thing, am I ok? I do not wait for him to make contact btw, I do it first too, just an exceptionally busy day yesterday. I am much more cautious on weekends and its unspoken I wait for contact.

 

So, such a downer from what I thought was not hearing from him; such a high when he appeared worried about me. This is not normal, in usual life!

 

He and I may be unusual in that we don't say I love you, we don't future fake. But it's obvious there are feelings there, it is far from sex based. We both, although fairly young (late 20s) have had a fair bit of life experience already, and we both know Love is a gamble. He has left BS once before (non A related), and had a hideous time regarding child contact and is frightened of that. We haven't spoken beyond that fact, his children are his children and I cannot tell him what is right or wrong there; his role as a parent is more important than mine as an OW. I never want us to be together and he blame me. He has to leave because he wants to, not 'for' me.

 

Movingon- NC is hard, terrible infact. But you can do it. I think I'm in a way scared of feeling that pain again of NC, and that's one of the reasons I am still in this A. That and the naivety of wanting him to be mine!

[LaceyS]

Pierre - the thought of a D-day is very scary. We live in a very small town; our children even go to the same school. I don't want to be his go-to if she kicks him out either; yes I want him, but I want to be a choice.

[LaceyS]

I am almost sure he loves me within that bubble, yes. Sometimes I don't see him for a good few weeks, but we still speak daily, and that level of effort surprises me.

 

He has had one night things with OW during his R; she always has found out, keeps him. She cheats on him; he has told me, backed up via her and mines mutual friends. She has even said, before she knew about me being linked to him, that if it wasn't for their children they wouldn't be together, they never go out together, spend a lot of time apart at home, either one goes out when possible.

 

I am his first A.. He's asked me to go away with him. One part of me wants to, the other doesn't. I am not basking in the glory of being the OW at all, the downs exceed the highs. I am not naive and am very aware if he loved me outside of the A bubble, well, people leave.

 

As for being thrown under the bus... I don't know. I suspect so, but don't want to believe he would. I would have to lie very low.

 

Lots of things point to me starting NC... But I can't. Why?

 

* he wouldn't like it

* I'd miss him

* (naively) he will never be mine, then

* the attention I receive from him will stop

* and mostly; the pain I know I'll feel. I know I will feel like what I am: a sordid piece of skirt.

 

He and I had our first disagreement about 3 weeks ago, we were NC for 4 days. I was broken. Because of what he'd done, I didn't know where to start. He messaged me first, he was more sorry than I've ever heard anyone be (more so than my ex husband when I busted his A). Since, he has been extra attentive, risking the contact when he's at home, asked me away, said we need a chat. We go out publicly in our town for nights out (risky I know, no one has told her yet).. Last time we did, 2 weeks ago, he turned around and asked me if I would stand up next to him when the **** hit the fan if he left. I said yes, 100%. I would.. My friends and family will stick by me too, this I know.

 

Sometimes I live in the bubble. Today I am slightly in the bubble, as he's sitting at home with her but texting me all the little things of his day. But sometimes I actually see myself, and am shocked at myself for my naivety.

 

I don't date because of him. If I can snatch time with him, I will cancel friends. My friend says I am 'brazen' when out with him.

 

She drops my name in conversation to him at home often, although never asks outright. She has blocked me from his and her Facebook. She no longer speaks to me on the school run, and we have an awful lot of mutual friends, so situations (even a wedding this year!) can be very awkward. She is beautiful, and I don't understand why he does it. He says little about her, and I have told him I will not disrespect her further by slagging her off if he does.

 

Goodness, this is turning into a confessional.

 

In a nutshell, I'm considering NC. Isn't it almost akin to an ultimatum though? Or is it standing up for yourself, thinking I deserve more? But with NC comes The Pain, and the worthlessness.

[Sparkly24]

Try reading Women who love too much by Robin Norwood. I picked this up today as I have recently realised that my MM was someone I was addicted to because he made me feel like I was worth something. I have also started to understand that there is a reason why I have always gone from one relationship to another with men who dont treat me properly, and why I have never been brave enough to be single. So far its opening my eyes to a lot of things. It might help you to work out why you want to fall so much for a very unavailable man rather than looking for someone who is very available that you can have a healthy relationship with.

 

I was the same as you, thinking that he was my friend and that I could trust him, then as soon as I didn't play by his rules he dismissed me and I have not heard anything from him in about a week. Its pretty painful at the moment, and it makes things worse that I cant talk to any of my friends or family about how I feel. He was my dirty secret. I know I wouldn't get sympathy, my family would be ashamed of me and my friends would judge me. This is a pretty good forum which I am using a lot at the moment because it makes me feel like I am not alone in this.

 

Please be careful because this could end really badly for you. Come out of the bubble for a moment and use your head rather than your heart to assess this current situation you are in. Don't think about how much he might love you, and how amazing he says you are. You should focus on how you love him, and in what way he is amazing to you. Can you be happy with this person? Is he fulfilling some kind of need that you have at the moment? Do you think that the danger and the thrill is the exciting part rather than anything else?

[LaceyS]

Try reading Women who love too much by Robin Norwood. I picked this up today as I have recently realised that my MM was someone I was addicted to because he made me feel like I was worth something. I have also started to understand that there is a reason why I have always gone from one relationship to another with men who dont treat me properly, and why I have never been brave enough to be single. So far its opening my eyes to a lot of things. It might help you to work out why you want to fall so much for a very unavailable man rather than looking for someone who is very available that you can have a healthy relationship with.

 

I was the same as you, thinking that he was my friend and that I could trust him, then as soon as I didn't play by his rules he dismissed me and I have not heard anything from him in about a week. Its pretty painful at the moment, and it makes things worse that I cant talk to any of my friends or family about how I feel. He was my dirty secret. I know I wouldn't get sympathy, my family would be ashamed of me and my friends would judge me. This is a pretty good forum which I am using a lot at the moment because it makes me feel like I am not alone in this.

 

Please be careful because this could end really badly for you. Come out of the bubble for a moment and use your head rather than your heart to assess this current situation you are in. Don't think about how much he might love you, and how amazing he says you are. You should focus on how you love him, and in what way he is amazing to you. Can you be happy with this person? Is he fulfilling some kind of need that you have at the moment? Do you think that the danger and the thrill is the exciting part rather than anything else?

 

Hope I've quoted properly!

 

I am fine with being single, I was for 18 months before him, it sits ok with me. I actually am pretty secure in myself and have never needed a man to make me feel better, more of a person. I feel worthy without him; I am a good friend, mother, daughter, sister.. The worthlessness I will feel about NC is probably the realisation I *may* have been a toy to him.

 

The danger and thrill of the A actually put me off. I get no one upmanship or smugness from it whatsoever. I wish I was public, his girlfriend for people to know about. Some of his friends know, I see them in town, we say hello and pass the time, it feels nice, like an acknowledgement.

 

How do I love him? I haven't even said I love him, to him.

 

Could I be happy with him? Yes, in lots of ways. We never disagree. We both adore our children. Lots of similar interests, level of intellect, we trust each other.

 

And no I wouldn't be, because I would probably worry he'd go back to her.

 

Sometimes I am able to remove myself from the bubble, and come up with a number of solutions to this A, and what it's slowly doing to me.

 

I haven't even voiced to him I'm having doubts. He has work issues at the moment... There is never a right time. We find it hard to see each other for a length of time to talk properly.

[Catplates]

I must agree with Pierre about the MAP's ability to be totally selfish.

 

Without sounding like a victim, I know now I was more than normally vulnerable when I had the A. MM knew circumstances and rampaged through my life like cyclone.

 

I have since found out that lonely vulnerable widows appear to be his specialty.

 

MAPs must ruthless and have little empathy for either woman.

 

Cat

[LaceyS]

My MM (well he's not married but may as well be) didnt know anything about me when we first started this; he has learnt it over time. Therefore I don't think he took advantage of me - I was wholly aware of his status the first time I pursued him. Our first 'meeting' was all my initiation. I don't think I'm particularly special to him, but I genuinely feel I mean more to him than a piece of cake.

 

I have processed some more in my head...

 

I can't take the lows much more. i haven't heard from him since 6pm and he's home with her.. I am :-/ about it all...

 

I don't want to be a secret. I want to be able to go the movies with him/someone, out for dinner, visit my parents, go shopping, share a takeaway.normal things.

 

I strongly suspect he is reluctant to change the status quo - if it's ok, then why would you? I'm asking him to change everything i take for granted, home, finances, kids, friends.

 

I don't know what to do next. I feel I have to tell him I want him, I'll stand next to him for all the fall out.... How? How do I tell him all this has been going on in my head?

 

If he won't leave, I need to go NC and that's where I break a little inside... But I'll never get that normal life being his ow.

[Leader4u]

LaceyS, I understand completely. I am new here but am in a similar situation. I am the OM and have been having an A with a MW for 3 months now who says and does all of these same things. I can empathize completely. I won't hijack your thread but you have my deepest sympathies. We have put ourselves in a very difficult situation with no good solutions or answers. Good luck to you and remember, life is too short (I am 50 and single). If you think things will not work out or change my advice would be to move on. Do what you need to to be happy and hope that things work out as they should. Easy for me to say I know but that is close to where I am already with my situation. Again, good luck.

[LaceyS]

Leader4u - yes, it's a horrid situation to be in. Sometimes I think he will never understand my position, as much as he claims to in the past. We are at 14 months now.

 

Yes life is short- this makes me think lots of things. It's too short for him to not be fully aware; it's too short for me to be the OW much longer.

 

I am 28, divorced with several children. I want my happy ever after, although not being an OW, it doesn't as a whole make me happy.

 

I am one minute thinking lay it all out in the open, tell him, and if he can't, go NC.

 

The other part of me thinks well what is this chat he wants with me, is asking me away a test to time properly alone? Can I carry on until I know? Just sit back, chill out?

 

In march 2012 I stopped seeing anyone else. In December just gone I slept with someone else, but didnt tell him. I felt guilty. He has never asked me to stay faithful, he just knows I am. Last week when we slept together he actually said 'no one else goes where I go'. But I have... I almost wonder if I can allow him to take a back seat and try LC, maybe date, meet someone new. Although I suspect this wont work, my guilt, high chance of him finding out (very small town).

 

We have spoken about him leaving her before. He said if he didn't have children he would have left before that point in 'us'. I am more than good enough to be his partner. Last time he left, his contact with the kids was v limited, it was awful. He says this frightened him. He says his R is a means to an end. He asked would I stand up for all the **** when he left? I said yes 100%, I would. And I would. Since this, and our disagreement, he has asked for a 'chat' when we see each other quietly next. Asked me away. Text me from home when previously since October he hasn't, as we nearly had a d day, his phone was almost seen.

 

But yet he maintains his status quo. He has his woman at home, with his kids, all affairs in order, finances straight, child contact 24/7, sex on tap. I struggle to see his motivation for an affair, although I can see some reasons.

 

I still am no clearer on what to do. I still haven't heard from him today.

[LaceyS]

Yes, I am afraid of the answer.

 

I have tried to become a 'good' OW by not going in for the usual female response of analysing every little thing. We have conversations about a lot of in depth things, but obviously it's hard to put everything down on here.

 

I denied I was even an OW to myself and friends until about 4 months ago.

 

I do know the kids thing is rubbish; my ex husband sees our kids very regularly. He grew the balls to leave, for himself. MM has not, because I deep down suspect he doesn't want to, his life is nice enough.

 

I disagree with my having low self esteem. I am only just coming to terms with admitting I want him to myself, and am choosing to act on this somehow rather than carry along on the ride as the OW - if I don't want to share him, the only way that can happen is by removing myself.

 

It's growing the balls to have that conversation, and my inevitable hurt afterwards, all whilst maintaining my usual very demanding life.

 

My ex husband is most definitely narcissistic - MM has never treated me anything like exh did.

 

Thank you for the insightful reply, a lot of what you have said has helped.

[LaceyS]

That part about assuming the role of happy OW with no expectations.... I can't do that. At all. Not me. Thank you for that one sentence alone.