Rocket Man Posted January 9, 2013 Posted January 9, 2013 I doubt him having to face the Medical Board would totally financially ruin him. I'm sure the prick has money stashed in retirement accounts, business accounts, business credit cards, personal lines of credit, etc. If he had to shut down for a period of time I'm sure it would suck, but I doubt he would starve. Maybe his wife works also? I'm sure his wife would be pissed even more at him for putting her through this. He deserves it. If she can't handle the truth about him then she should leave him and take half of everything and start over without him. If she should stay after all then maybe their marriage would be stronger than ever and you would actually be doing them a favor by turning him into the Board. Either way, I'd turn his ass in, in a skinny minute and if my wife wanted to R with me she would have to write to the board and give them full disclosure. He deserves anything he gets.
CantgetoveritNY Posted January 9, 2013 Posted January 9, 2013 Once and for all, sexual harassment is defined as: "Unwelcome sexual advances, requests for sexual favors, and other verbal or physical conduct of a sexual nature" The courts recognize that voluntary sexual relationships do exist in the workplace (duh!). The key word is "unwelcome" - ObiWan, did your WS, through her words or actions, ever indicate to you that her OM's advances were "unwelcome" ? Mr. Lucky If the sexual advances were ever unwelcome, like when he first hit on her after giving her the promotion, then it was sexual harassment. It is the fact that he used his position of authority to convert unwelcome advances into consensual sex later, that is classic sexual harassment. It should be punished. Not looked the other way at. Now if the OP's wife suggested to the dentist that if he gave her a promotion then she would be more affectionate, then that would be consensual.
CantgetoveritNY Posted January 9, 2013 Posted January 9, 2013 At first, and only at first. And it's not like it bothered her immensely. After a short while, she started to pay attention and liked the advances. The "oh he makes me feel wanted and beautiful" and blah blah. At first is all that matters. What happened after that is the predator used his position of power and authority to wear down her natural defenses.
CantgetoveritNY Posted January 9, 2013 Posted January 9, 2013 Your wife wasn't sexually harassed. She's no victim - neither is cantgetoveritNY's wife. There's nothing to go to the board about. Apparently you are one of the posters on this site who live in a fantasy world where there are no sexual predators. That believe all people in affairs are equal offenders. I'm here to tell the OP you are wrong. The dentist in my wife's case is about to lose his licence. So apparently society and the law do not agree that all AP's are equal offenders.
Mr. Lucky Posted January 9, 2013 Posted January 9, 2013 At first is all that matters. What happened after that is the predator used his position of power and authority to wear down her natural defenses. I'm just going to leave it that you and I see this differently. Were it my spouse, I'd hope her "natural defenses" were love, honor, integrity, commitment and moral fiber. She's not an 8-year old kid in a Scout troop or one of Jerry Sandusky's Second Mile teens (now there's a predator), she's an adult able to exercise her own judgement and free will. And to believe that she resisted his advances initially requires concluding that she's truthful about that during a time she lied about everything else. What evidence could she present that would support that case? Mr. Lucky 1
Author ObiWan Posted January 9, 2013 Author Posted January 9, 2013 I'm just going to leave it that you and I see this differently. Were it my spouse, I'd hope her "natural defenses" were love, honor, integrity, commitment and moral fiber. She's not an 8-year old kid in a Scout troop or one of Jerry Sandusky's Second Mile teens (now there's a predator), she's an adult able to exercise her own judgement and free will. And to believe that she resisted his advances initially requires concluding that she's truthful about that during a time she lied about everything else. What evidence could she present that would support that case? Mr. Lucky None whatsoever, all I have is her word. Makes it incredibly difficult, I know. It was always my understanding that sexual harassment was always unwelcome. So if my wife decided she liked the attention and advances, I was under the impression that no longer qualified as sexual harassment. Either way, I think this whole thing falls under the category of "Unprofessional conduct", which is one of the options the dental board form has for complaints.
CantgetoveritNY Posted January 9, 2013 Posted January 9, 2013 She's not an 8-year old kid in a Scout troop or one of Jerry Sandusky's Second Mile teens (now there's a predator), she's an adult able to exercise her own judgement and free will. Mr. Lucky There is the guy that killed 20 first grade children and then there is the guy that got into a bar fight and killed a thug. They are both murders. You don't have to do what Sandusky did to be a sexual predator.
CantgetoveritNY Posted January 10, 2013 Posted January 10, 2013 Well then your adult wife needs to be treated as if she is a child if she so easily falls prey to "sexual predators." Don't be surprised when you have another Dday. You wife must be lapping up your rug sweeping. All this "victim" has to do is claim she was preyed upon yet again and she will receive another pass from you. You are seeing this way to simplistically. My wife for example. She never claimed to be a victim. Victims often don't see themselves that way. And there is no free pass for her. She should have done better. And she is suffering consequences from me as well as her own conscience. The predator should pay the price too. Not just for the A but for being a predator. That is extra and the OP should not let this predator out with proper action against him.
Darren Steez Posted January 10, 2013 Posted January 10, 2013 People pushing other people to file charges...unconscionable
CantgetoveritNY Posted January 11, 2013 Posted January 11, 2013 People pushing other people to file charges...unconscionable People discouraging people from filing charges, now that's unconscionable. People even failing to say something about it when they know better. Who was it that said .... All that is needed for Evil to triumph is that good men do nothing ?
Darren Steez Posted January 11, 2013 Posted January 11, 2013 It's not harassment, you only think it is. You're egging him on like a pack of wolves. Just let the man fix his marriage, expose OM to wife or whatever. People need to be responsible in forums, this is not a joke or a tool by the betrayed to try and steer situations towards certain outcomes. You're not puppet masters, just advisers.
Mr. Lucky Posted January 11, 2013 Posted January 11, 2013 People discouraging people from filing charges, now that's unconscionable. People even failing to say something about it when they know better. Who was it that said .... All that is needed for Evil to triumph is that good men do nothing ? Then I'll assume you're looking into billboard space on which you'll be displaying your wife's picture and scarlet letter, that big "A" that you've sewn on all her clothing? "Good men" would want to see her equally punished... Mr. Lucky
CantgetoveritNY Posted January 11, 2013 Posted January 11, 2013 Then I'll assume you're looking into billboard space on which you'll be displaying your wife's picture and scarlet letter, that big "A" that you've sewn on all her clothing? "Good men" would want to see her equally punished... Mr. Lucky My WS is paying the full price and suffering the full consequences due to any WS. Which in modern times does not include a scarlet letter. I'm sure if the OP here told the MM's wife about the affair the the MM would suffer the same. But in this case more is needed. A predator needs to be punished as a predator aside from whatever consequences are had for simply being an AP. To look the other way and say nothing, is to make yourself a co-responsible party to whatever future bad acts this predator carries out. You say he is not worthy of sanction by the dental review board? Well then let the review board make that decision. Its not for you or the OP to decide, it is for the review board. If this is a groundless case then the OP telling them about it will be as far as it gets. They will toss it out without further action. The MM might not even hear there was a complaint. I doubt it though. From the facts the OP tells it sounds like an actionable case. One thing is for sure, doing nothing is wrong and is going to be leaving others open to abuse in the future.
Mr. Lucky Posted January 11, 2013 Posted January 11, 2013 One thing is for sure, doing nothing is wrong and is going to be leaving others open to abuse in the future. Abuse like slipping and accidently impaling herself on his erect penis? Or replying to his emails and texts? Or showing up at the same hotel room as him? Do you think ObiWan's wife would have cheated on him were this not the dentist she worked for? You see that as the deciding factor? Mr. Lucky
Author ObiWan Posted January 11, 2013 Author Posted January 11, 2013 I'm not in disagreement with either argument, as weird as that sounds. My point is this: it's been over 10 months, strict NC. I report him to the board, stir up a hornet's nest, then what? I have to start reliving this crap again? Predator or not, lies or not, my wife went for it. She could have said no, but she didn't. I report this guy, and then what, he's all of sudden going to stop cheating on his wife? I believe that's wishful thinking. Besides, I know his BS and his kids. Do I really want to inflict more pain on them, indirectly as it were? I know he deserves to pay, he deserves what's coming to him. But maybe that's already out of my hands.
CantgetoveritNY Posted January 11, 2013 Posted January 11, 2013 Do you think ObiWan's wife would have cheated on him were this not the dentist she worked for? You see that as the deciding factor? Mr. Lucky If the review board thinks that it was a factor then there will be consequences. Otherwise no. I think they should decide. And no, the purpose of this is not to make him be faithful to his wife. It is to curb his desire to use his position of authority and his status as a proffesional to seduce persons that he should be hands off with. He is free to be a slime bag with the general public.
Mr. Lucky Posted January 12, 2013 Posted January 12, 2013 I'm not in disagreement with either argument, as weird as that sounds. My point is this: it's been over 10 months, strict NC. I report him to the board, stir up a hornet's nest, then what? I have to start reliving this crap again? Predator or not, lies or not, my wife went for it. She could have said no, but she didn't. I report this guy, and then what, he's all of sudden going to stop cheating on his wife? I believe that's wishful thinking. Besides, I know his BS and his kids. Do I really want to inflict more pain on them, indirectly as it were? I know he deserves to pay, he deserves what's coming to him. But maybe that's already out of my hands. ObiWan, what you do and how that plays into your marital recovery is indeed up to you. My advice (probably repetitively stated ) is to continue moving on. I hope things work out and you get to where you want to be... Mr. Lucky
Author ObiWan Posted January 14, 2013 Author Posted January 14, 2013 At any rate, I wanted to say thank you once again to all those who took the time to read my story, and of course to those who took some time out of their day to lend advice, words of encouragement, give tough love or to help in any way. I do sincerely appreciate it. To all the BS's out there: I feel your pain. While there may not be many people in our lives that can say that sincerely, I'm glad forums like this exist, where we can find others just like us. 3
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