My story

[ObiWan]

Hello all,

 

I've been a lurker on this site for the past few months, and it has really helped me to read your stories / advice. It has helped me cope by realizing I'm not the only one who has gone through something like this, and many of you have had very valuable insight which has helped immensely. I've decided to post my story in the off chance it can help someone who reads it.

 

Here goes: I found out my wife was having an EA with her boss around February of last year. She was working the front desk for a dentist when he out of the blue asked her to be his dental assistant, despite her not having any formal training or experience whatsoever. He trained her on the fly, but all the while he started to compliment her and hit on her heavily. He had known me for a few years, as I was his contract IT guy, but this obviously didn't stop him. My wife and I had reached a point in our marriage where, after 8 years, we'd hit a lull. We didn't have any obvious problems; we weren't fighting / arguing or anything of that nature. My wife is a very attractive, petite woman, and she'd been hit on countless times before, but this time I guess, was different. She started to pay attention, and before long she was in an EA with him.

 

She had a bout of conscience and admitted to me one day that they had kissed. This info blew me away; I had no idea how to deal with it. It was overwhelming. I asked her to quit immediately, but she had already started to lie, saying it didn't mean anything and that she would tell him to back off. I foolishly trusted her and let her continue to work there. I know, it was incredibly stupid, but I wanted to keep trusting her.

 

As the weeks went on however, I had this gut feeling that things weren't right. I started to get paranoid, tracking her phone via GPS and realizing she wouldn't be where she said she would be at times, others in places where she'd never been before. She would go to a local library to use a secret email account there, as she didn't want to risk using our home computers for fear that I would find out. She would stay later than usual at work, claiming they were busy when in reality they were starting their PA. I noticed the change in her behavior, but every time I asked her questions or pressed her for answers, she piled on lies on top of lies. She'd become very adept at lying. My paranoia got worse. I began to consider more surveillance techniques when things came to a head and they finally slept together in the office. After initially lying about it, she finally admitted it and also said she was going to leave me for him. The OM is a guy in his early 40's who is married and has four kids, one of which was less than year old at the time. This clown had been promising her the world...that they'd be together forever, that he'd leave his wife and kids, that they would start a new practice somewhere else, that he was ready for a new chapter in his life, blah blah blah.

 

With this knowledge, I figured there was nothing left to do but let her go and ruin her life, as I had tried uselessly to talk her out of it, but she had this glazed over, dumb look on her face and made the most idiotic justifications for her actions. I told her to get out and gave her a week to do so. In the meantime, I called the OM's wife and told her what had happened. She had her own suspicions and my call was the confirmation she needed. I went to stay at my sister's house during this time, and the OM took advantage of this, as he had been kicked out of his house too. He rented a hotel room, picked up my wife and they slept together again. He continued to make promises, telling her he'd support her financially and get her an apartment and a car. Just a couple of days later, my wife gets a phone call saying it was over...he was staying with his wife and kids and that she would be out of the picture forever. He changed his phone number and his email address, and never contacted her again. This wrecked my wife's plans of living her fantasy life.

 

She came back with her tail between her legs, so to speak. I had been reluctant to take her back but after much consideration, decided to give reconciliation a try. I knew she had come back because her OM kicked her to the curb, something I knew would happen sooner or later. I always knew he never intended to leave his wife, that he was nothing but a professional liar and only sought to bed my wife, but my wife was too dumb to see that at the time.

 

Well, it's been 9 months now, and our reconciliation is going great. The first few months were hell, and we went to a therapist to help things along. It was refreshing to see her figuratively open her eyes and realize the truth, and how many stupid mistakes she had made. She finally saw him for what he was. She repented and apologized profusely, many times after that gradual epiphany. As twisted as it sounds, having gone through this has made our marriage stronger, as I had to make a journey inwards and figure out what needed to change and what needed fixing. I know the old relationship didn't work, so I'm careful not to repeat what was going on then.

 

From a personal level, it has been monumentally difficult to go through this, but it can be done. While I sometimes feel the negative emotions this has brought on, I've been able to deal with them a lot better as time has progressed. I know we still have a ways to go, but I'm very pleased with our progress. I love her with all my heart, and I'm going to make sure she knows that every day from now on.

 

Thanks for reading.

[NotCamelot]

I am very sorry to read your story. I am 8 months since d-day myself. Actually live not too far from you.

 

Keep watch, keep watch,keep watch. Yes it can be fixed, you can rebuild and stay together.

 

I wish you the best.

[Mr. Lucky]

ObiWan, I congratulate you on finding a way back from the precipice. As I'm sure you've read here, doesn't happen very often.

 

Having said that, I can't help but be struck by your differing characterization of the two affair partners. Your wife was "glazed over, dumb" while the OM was a "clown" and "professional liar". Almost seems like you feel he duped her and their roles were victim and victimizer.

 

Do you see her as less culpable than him? If so, was that an element in your willingness to forgive and reconcile?

 

Mr. Lucky

[ObiWan]

Thanks NotCamelot. I wish you the same.

 

Mr. Lucky, actually, I do realize they are both equally to blame. She is not any less culpable. But I suppose this has been one of my coping mechanisms. I did harbor a lot of resentment and anger towards her, but I didn't find it productive to continually lash out at her, which I did initially but in controlled bursts. I do think I'm transferring a bit. Having read many threads and stories here, I've realized there are many guys like this OM all over the place that play the same game over and over again, with the same results. I can't help but feel fury for their very existence.

[Mr. Lucky]

Having read many threads and stories here, I've realized there are many guys like this OM all over the place that play the same game over and over again, with the same results. I can't help but feel fury for their very existence.

You seem like you've given this a lot of thought so I'm sure you realize that his game wasn't solitaire, there were two players involved. With my xW, I looked at it this way - she was vulnerable because she found someone whose pathology was a match to her own, like two adjoining pieces of a puzzle. Otherwise, I don't think she'd have strayed, but who really knows ?

 

I wish you well in the continued recovery of your marriage...

 

Mr. Lucky

[ObiWan]

Has your wife been in individual therapy to figure out why she was so lacking in self-esteem and self-respect that she fell for his games?

 

There are married women who have not-so-great marriages (even horrible, abusive marriages) and yet they find other men (especially married ones) coming on to them revolting and disrespectful.

 

Why didn't yours?

 

Well that's all part of the "why did this happen" journey that everyone inevitably takes when faced with something like this. She and I have both been to therapy, both alone and together. In short, the answer involved her being "bored" in our marriage, and not expressing her frustration with that and certain other things like having financial difficulties, having our home foreclosed on, etc. Our sex life had also gotten stale, and despite several attempts (from my part) to revive it, it never got back on track before her affair.

 

I suppose the answers are never simple, with anyone. It's always a combination of things. The perfect storm, if you will.

[Rocket Man]

Why don't you give that sack of shi* the ultimate kick in the balls and report him to the dental board? They will make his professional life hell for some time. He deserves at least that. You are letting him "get off" way to easy bro.

[ObiWan]

Why don't you give that sack of shi* the ultimate kick in the balls and report him to the dental board? They will make his professional life hell for some time. He deserves at least that. You are letting him "get off" way to easy bro.

 

It's one of several cards in my back pocket. If he ever tries to make contact again, which other similar cases have shown that he just might, I will unleash hell upon him. One thing that kept me from retribution (or revenge) was compassion for his BS and four kids. They didn't deserve more pain than what they were already subjected to. Lets hope it won't come to any more.

[ladyinthemts]

I'm sorry for your struggle and I'm glad you are finding a way through it!

 

I do believe he should be reported, because he is a professional. (I have worked in the malpractice/medical service hiring field.) I mean, training her to be assistant? Having such a relationship with an employee! Very bad!

 

But I understand, too, you not wanting to hurt his family. I myself am stuck figuring how to tell/if to tell the OW's husband...who doesn't seem to have any idea. It's hard to bring bad news.

 

Anyway, good luck!

[ObiWan]

Stop being a coward.

 

His wife deserves to know JUST as much as YOU deserved to know about what these two misfits were doing.

 

Stop keeping his dirty little secret for him and tell his wife. You might see it as a 'card' in your pocket, but it's her LIFE you're playing cards with. Jesus, how about you think of someone besides you and your wife for a change?

 

Um, I mention in my OP that I did call his wife and told her everything. The card in my pocket that I referred to was further retribution.

[ObiWan]

With all due respect, her reason for coming back sucks. She ONLY came back because he turned out to be a spin doctor who led her down the Garden Path, making her think they were going to get their happily-ever-after. When she thought she was getting that, you were hardly a thought in her mind.

 

What if he'd been true to his word and carried out all the promises he'd made to her? What then? Where would she be right now?

 

I just think it's pretty pitiful that it's ONLY due to his lying and deceiving that she suddenly had an 'epiphany' about what a 'mistake' she was making. Had he actually left and made good on his promise, you probably wouldn't be reconciling right now.

 

Sorry, but her type of crap behavior doesn't deserve reconciliation.

 

Just my humble 2 cents.

 

I do agree with a lot of what you're saying. Trust me, I've thought a lot about every possible scenario. If he had meant any of what he said, yeah, she'd be long gone. I also think she'd probably be alone by now or who-knows-where, as I don't believe those type of relationships last. I do acknowledge that her reasons for coming back were not ideal.

 

There wasn't anything sudden. It took a while for her to awaken, so to speak. Once she did, we could proceed to address the things that propelled her to stray in the first place. I did consider not taking her back. I know I've simplified things here for the sake of clarity, but there hasn't been any rugsweeping. She is just as much guilty as he was. It sounds masochistic but I felt like giving her one final chance. And I'm happy I did.

[ObiWan]

Sorry OP, I forgot about that.

However, the part I wrote about rug sweeping still stands - it was all over your post.

 

If the wife ever divorces OM, your wife may very well run again (with him or someone else) if you don't keep her "entertained" because she gets "bored." It's not your job to make your wife happy inside, but you clearly indicate from your posts that you think it is.

 

Is your wife still in therapy now?

Are you still tracking her activities?

 

She's not in therapy anymore. She's out of a job so there's not much to track. But she's been completely forthcoming and honest for the past several months, which has helped greatly.

[Bryanp]

My concern about you not reporting him to the dental board is that you have given him a clear message which is he is free to continue this behavior with other women and wreck their messages as well. You know he will continue this behavior with other women. The reason they have professional boards is to curtail this type of behavior but are powerless if nobody reports it. You gave a clear signal to him that there are no professional consequences to his unprofessional behavior. This is so wrong on so many levels.

[Mr. Lucky]

It's one of several cards in my back pocket. If he ever tries to make contact again, which other similar cases have shown that he just might, I will unleash hell upon him. One thing that kept me from retribution (or revenge) was compassion for his BS and four kids. They didn't deserve more pain than what they were already subjected to. Lets hope it won't come to any more.

ObiWan, in the delicate dance of reconciliation, I think you're doing the right thing. I may be in the minority here, but I believe that if you're going to forgive your spouse, you've got to let the OM go at some point also. They both f*ed up, but only one promised to love and honor you. If you're going to move ahead with your life and forgive that one (certainly easier said than done), then it doesn't help you or your WS to shift the blame over time to her AP. Put him behind you...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Darren Steez]

Hello all,

 

I've been a lurker on this site for the past few months, and it has really helped me to read your stories / advice. It has helped me cope by realizing I'm not the only one who has gone through something like this, and many of you have had very valuable insight which has helped immensely. I've decided to post my story in the off chance it can help someone who reads it.

 

Here goes: I found out my wife was having an EA with her boss around February of last year. She was working the front desk for a dentist when he out of the blue asked her to be his dental assistant, despite her not having any formal training or experience whatsoever. He trained her on the fly, but all the while he started to compliment her and hit on her heavily. He had known me for a few years, as I was his contract IT guy, but this obviously didn't stop him. My wife and I had reached a point in our marriage where, after 8 years, we'd hit a lull. We didn't have any obvious problems; we weren't fighting / arguing or anything of that nature. My wife is a very attractive, petite woman, and she'd been hit on countless times before, but this time I guess, was different. She started to pay attention, and before long she was in an EA with him.

 

She had a bout of conscience and admitted to me one day that they had kissed. This info blew me away; I had no idea how to deal with it. It was overwhelming. I asked her to quit immediately, but she had already started to lie, saying it didn't mean anything and that she would tell him to back off. I foolishly trusted her and let her continue to work there. I know, it was incredibly stupid, but I wanted to keep trusting her.

 

As the weeks went on however, I had this gut feeling that things weren't right. I started to get paranoid, tracking her phone via GPS and realizing she wouldn't be where she said she would be at times, others in places where she'd never been before. She would go to a local library to use a secret email account there, as she didn't want to risk using our home computers for fear that I would find out. She would stay later than usual at work, claiming they were busy when in reality they were starting their PA. I noticed the change in her behavior, but every time I asked her questions or pressed her for answers, she piled on lies on top of lies. She'd become very adept at lying. My paranoia got worse. I began to consider more surveillance techniques when things came to a head and they finally slept together in the office. After initially lying about it, she finally admitted it and also said she was going to leave me for him. The OM is a guy in his early 40's who is married and has four kids, one of which was less than year old at the time. This clown had been promising her the world...that they'd be together forever, that he'd leave his wife and kids, that they would start a new practice somewhere else, that he was ready for a new chapter in his life, blah blah blah.

 

With this knowledge, I figured there was nothing left to do but let her go and ruin her life, as I had tried uselessly to talk her out of it, but she had this glazed over, dumb look on her face and made the most idiotic justifications for her actions. I told her to get out and gave her a week to do so. In the meantime, I called the OM's wife and told her what had happened. She had her own suspicions and my call was the confirmation she needed. I went to stay at my sister's house during this time, and the OM took advantage of this, as he had been kicked out of his house too. He rented a hotel room, picked up my wife and they slept together again. He continued to make promises, telling her he'd support her financially and get her an apartment and a car. Just a couple of days later, my wife gets a phone call saying it was over...he was staying with his wife and kids and that she would be out of the picture forever. He changed his phone number and his email address, and never contacted her again. This wrecked my wife's plans of living her fantasy life.

 

She came back with her tail between her legs, so to speak. I had been reluctant to take her back but after much consideration, decided to give reconciliation a try. I knew she had come back because her OM kicked her to the curb, something I knew would happen sooner or later. I always knew he never intended to leave his wife, that he was nothing but a professional liar and only sought to bed my wife, but my wife was too dumb to see that at the time.

 

Well, it's been 9 months now, and our reconciliation is going great. The first few months were hell, and we went to a therapist to help things along. It was refreshing to see her figuratively open her eyes and realize the truth, and how many stupid mistakes she had made. She finally saw him for what he was. She repented and apologized profusely, many times after that gradual epiphany. As twisted as it sounds, having gone through this has made our marriage stronger, as I had to make a journey inwards and figure out what needed to change and what needed fixing. I know the old relationship didn't work, so I'm careful not to repeat what was going on then.

 

From a personal level, it has been monumentally difficult to go through this, but it can be done. While I sometimes feel the negative emotions this has brought on, I've been able to deal with them a lot better as time has progressed. I know we still have a ways to go, but I'm very pleased with our progress. I love her with all my heart, and I'm going to make sure she knows that every day from now on.

 

Thanks for reading.

Congratulations to you, and here it comes....but....So she lied and cheated, after being dumped come back to you, now you're going to tell her everyday how beautiful she is..seems to me you are rewarding bad behavior.

She didn't cheat because you neglected her, after being caught, going underground, and still after sleeping together, sleeping with him again, still after that willing to leave you and be with him, if it wasn't for him dumping her, you'd still be out in the cold.

 

However if your marriage is "stronger" because of this then good luck to you.

[Spark1111]

I do agree with a lot of what you're saying. Trust me, I've thought a lot about every possible scenario. If he had meant any of what he said, yeah, she'd be long gone. I also think she'd probably be alone by now or who-knows-where, as I don't believe those type of relationships last. I do acknowledge that her reasons for coming back were not ideal.

 

There wasn't anything sudden. It took a while for her to awaken, so to speak. Once she did, we could proceed to address the things that propelled her to stray in the first place. I did consider not taking her back. I know I've simplified things here for the sake of clarity, but there hasn't been any rugsweeping. She is just as much guilty as he was. It sounds masochistic but I felt like giving her one final chance. And I'm happy I did.

 

I hope she continues in IC, and both you and she attend MC, when you need to or need a tune-up, so to speak.

 

IC for her because boredom, complacency, and stresses happen in every marriage, yet not everyone cheats.

 

To feel fully reassured, your wife needs to find out what her true Achilles Heel was so she can face it and conquer it for good.

 

For some it is validation and flattery, for others, empowerment and excitement. it is often a combination of conflict avoidance, poor communication of needs, and low self-esteem.

 

That originates, for ALL of us, in our Family of Origin.

 

good luck to you!

[Michael Johnson]

This implies that somehow the OM was a snake in the grass who deceived your wife into having an affair and somehow made her do something she wouldn't have otherwise done absent his hypnotic influence.

 

Lots of betrayed spouses can only bring themselves to reconcile if somehow they find a way to deflect responsibility of their unfaithful spouse.

 

Snake in the grass OM may have been--no doubt about that--but your spouse was at least his equal in this regard.

 

If you believe your wife needed therapy to "finally" see the OM for what he was, you have much work yet to do, on yourself.

 

Your wife always knew what he was, and she deliberately went after it.

 

Agreed. Its always the female waywards who almost every time, fall for the lies the OM/MM tells them and not a thought goes to their husbands at home. Unless she full owns up to her deliberate choice to cheat then therapy is a waste of time and money best used elsewhere, like divorce.

[ObiWan]

My concern about you not reporting him to the dental board is that you have given him a clear message which is he is free to continue this behavior with other women and wreck their messages as well. You know he will continue this behavior with other women. The reason they have professional boards is to curtail this type of behavior but are powerless if nobody reports it. You gave a clear signal to him that there are no professional consequences to his unprofessional behavior. This is so wrong on so many levels.

 

After nearly 10 months of NC, this remains an option for me, but only if I'm pushed in that direction. Either way, I could report him to every board I know, but I don't feel that will stop people like him. I also don't feel it's my responsibility to punish him. While I've felt (and still feel) very violent thoughts and feelings, seeking revenge will only make things worse for me as a person.

[road]

After nearly 10 months of NC, this remains an option for me, but only if I'm pushed in that direction. Either way, I could report him to every board I know, but I don't feel that will stop people like him. I also don't feel it's my responsibility to punish him. While I've felt (and still feel) very violent thoughts and feelings, seeking revenge will only make things worse for me as a person.

 

 

The longer you wait to report the less seriously a Board will react to a complaint. So your option is slowly disappearing.

 

You reporting him will not stop others from banging their patients. Others did not bang your WW your OM did and must be reported.

 

Reporting is not vengence but doing the right thing his license needs to be removed so he can no longer prey on any other husbands wives.

 

Your inaction because of false fear is letting this marriage destroyer free to reign more damage on marreiages.

[CantgetoveritNY]

My concern about you not reporting him to the dental board is that you have given him a clear message which is he is free to continue this behavior with other women and wreck their messages as well. You know he will continue this behavior with other women. The reason they have professional boards is to curtail this type of behavior but are powerless if nobody reports it. You gave a clear signal to him that there are no professional consequences to his unprofessional behavior. This is so wrong on so many levels.

 

Obi - listen to this. You and your wife are not the only ones to be concerned about. This was not just unprofessional but also sexual harassment. They were not co-workers, he was the boss, in charge. Why are you waiting? What is the downside to reporting him?

 

I also have the same problem as you. My wife came back to me b/c she was not getting what she wanted from her MM. It has been 5 months for me. She was always remorseful for herself. FOr sinking to the gutter with the MM. She is starting to feel remorse for me. Starting to work on our marriage. But she is not really looking at why she was open to this. She blames me for being unhappy and always did. Well before the A. I think she learned her lesson that another A is beneath her and would only bring her humiliation in the end. But the big question as to why she is unhappy inside, she does not want to work on. Just wants to blame me. And blamed whoever she was with for her whole life.

[Mr. Lucky]

The longer you wait to report the less seriously a Board will react to a complaint. So your option is slowly disappearing.

 

You reporting him will not stop others from banging their patients. Others did not bang your WW your OM did and must be reported.

 

Reporting is not vengence but doing the right thing his license needs to be removed so he can no longer prey on any other husbands wives.

 

Your inaction because of false fear is letting this marriage destroyer free to reign more damage on marreiages.

Obi - listen to this. You and your wife are not the only ones to be concerned about. This was not just unprofessional but also sexual harassment. They were not co-workers, he was the boss, in charge. Why are you waiting? What is the downside to reporting him?

Listen, as a BS I understand the anger. We feel that something was taken from us and that someone should pay.

 

But the truth is, unless a gun or date rape drug was involved, the OM in this and most cases was just one of two willing participants in the affair. And sexual harassment? It is unwelcome or coercive sexual advances, neither of which apply in this or most work place affairs.

 

This isn't a teacher victimizing a child, it's two adults engaging in a consensual activity. And therein lies the challenge for a BS. Much easier to demonize the OM/W as is being proposed in this instance...

 

Mr. Lucky

[CantgetoveritNY]

the OM in this and most cases was just one of two willing participants in the affair. . Much easier to demonize the OM/W as is being proposed in this instance...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Some one had to make the first move. I'm guessing it was not the OP's WW. Sometimes life or death comes down to a split second decision. The MM in this case is likely the one that made the move and deserves the penalty. I doubt that there is ever two equally willing participants. Maybe. But rarely. You grasp at straws to find them equally guilty. Perhaps you don't want to think your WS was that every so slightly more guilty party? There are predators out there. Maybe your WS was one? Maybe she was not a predator but just the one in a million equal opportunity offenders?

 

That does not mean this OP's WS was not the victim of a predator. I think she was. And he should report it. Not reporting rape is risking it would happen again. Just bc the rapist would not attack your beloved again does not mean you should let him rape another.

[Mr. Lucky]

Some one had to make the first move. I'm guessing it was not the OP's WW. Sometimes life or death comes down to a split second decision. The MM in this case is likely the one that made the move and deserves the penalty. I doubt that there is ever two equally willing participants. Maybe. But rarely. You grasp at straws to find them equally guilty. Perhaps you don't want to think your WS was that every so slightly more guilty party? There are predators out there. Maybe your WS was one? Maybe she was not a predator but just the one in a million equal opportunity offenders?

You may indeed be correct, my xW may have initiated the A. She and her AP worked together so neither had to go far. I'm not sure why the point is important - is a cheating spouse more easily forgiven if they didn't make the first move?

That does not mean this OP's WS was not the victim of a predator. I think she was. And he should report it. Not reporting rape is risking it would happen again. Just bc the rapist would not attack your beloved again does not mean you should let him rape another.

Again, I understand why a BS finds this notion comforting. The OM, like a pedophile in the back of a white van with a puppy and a bag of candy, lured the unsuspecting WS to her marital demise. Letting go of this fantasy and holding your WS accountable (assuming they're willing to be held) is a big part of recovery...

 

Mr. Lucky

[CantgetoveritNY]

The OM, like a pedophile in the back of a white van with a puppy and a bag of candy, lured the unsuspecting WS to her marital demise. Letting go of this fantasy and holding your WS accountable (assuming they're willing to be held) is a big part of recovery...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

LOL. Sort of. Made me smile. Thanks. My WS is more ready to be held accountable than I am to hold her accountable. I do to some extent. More and more as time goes along. But I'll never be able to see her and the OM in the same light. He did this at least 8 times before. He is a predator. She should have known better and it really hurts that she did what she did but still, its not the same as if she sought him out. And the OP here, his WS, she was a subordinate. Her OM had a duty to say no even is she did make the first move. And I highly doubt she did. I think it is an important point and not just for the comfort of the BS. It is important to make people like her OM feel consequences. The OM's rarely do. That is why they repeat the behavior and destroy further lives. Its like a drunk driver. Sure, prosecuting one does not bring back the dead from his last crash. But it stops him from killing again.

[ObiWan]

LOL. Sort of. Made me smile. Thanks. My WS is more ready to be held accountable than I am to hold her accountable. I do to some extent. More and more as time goes along. But I'll never be able to see her and the OM in the same light. He did this at least 8 times before. He is a predator. She should have known better and it really hurts that she did what she did but still, its not the same as if she sought him out. And the OP here, his WS, she was a subordinate. Her OM had a duty to say no even is she did make the first move. And I highly doubt she did. I think it is an important point and not just for the comfort of the BS. It is important to make people like her OM feel consequences. The OM's rarely do. That is why they repeat the behavior and destroy further lives. Its like a drunk driver. Sure, prosecuting one does not bring back the dead from his last crash. But it stops him from killing again.

 

I agree. In my case, she worked there for several months with nothing more than some random compliments here and there, until he made her his assistant. Then the full court press was on. She indeed didn't make the first move. And like many other cases, she "wasn't looking" for something like this to happen, but she didn't stop it either.