naomii Posted January 4, 2013 Posted January 4, 2013 I met him 3 years ago. We've always been "friends", which looking back he was never even a true friend to me. I wanted more than friendship with him and he'd do things here and there to make me believe he wanted more, too (although he really didnt). He was always back and forth in how he treated me -- super sweet one minute, then cold, mean and distant the next. I developed a jealousy/trust issue because of his treatment (hed talk to other women behind my back then lie to keep me around) and it caused a lot of arguments between us. No idea why i stuck around for that. The latest argument was last night. I confronted him on his behavior towards me, how i dont feel like he cares about me even though he says he does. The night ended with him kicking me out of his place, telling me he doesnt care about me, doesnt want to be with me, that i overreact and that he never "led me on", that i'm crazy for thinking that even though just days before he was wanting us to live together, etc (lol). Basically every time we argue he denies feeling anything for me then comes crawling back a couple days later, wanting to start where we left off. I'm done with him. I'm done being hurt and lied to, belittled and disrespected. We had our good times, which is why i stuck around, but the bad outweighs the good by a mile. I've told him time and time again that if I wasnt who he wanted to just let me go then, but he doesn't give up easily (excessively contacts me until i give in. i know its my fault for sticking around though, i take full blame for that). But why does he feel the need to keep me around? I guess thats what im not understanding. I would never lead someone around like that, knowing it would hurt them, so what makes a person feel the need to do this? Insecurity? Ego? The fact that i loved him and it made him feel good about himself? Just dont get it.
xpaperxcutx Posted January 4, 2013 Posted January 4, 2013 He kept you around because he was selfish and he knew you liked him so in a way you were always the fall-back girl for him. He didn't care about anyone but himself and he did what he wanted because you probably always forgave his discrepancies in the past. If you are really, truly done with him, you would break all contact and remove him from your life. Don't pick up his phone calls and definitely don't let him sweet talk back into letting him into your life. 4
amantis Posted January 4, 2013 Posted January 4, 2013 Please stop blaming him . is your own fault , the question is , WHY did you waste your time with him ? Why are you trying to find a reason when its your fault by being around him ? 2
Treasa Posted January 4, 2013 Posted January 4, 2013 Why are YOU sticking around if he doesn't want you? He sounds like a winner. Wait...where did my sarcasm tags go?
NoMoreJerks Posted January 4, 2013 Posted January 4, 2013 What xpaperxcutx said. Also, the question is: why are YOU keeping him around when he doesn't want you?? Remove him from your life, and you won't have this problem. You can't keep on loving someone who clearly doesn't love you. He is using you as an occasional companion, ego boost, booty call, and narcissistic supply, and you are volunteering to offer all that, without expecting a modicum of respect, consistency, commitment, and love. 1
Author naomii Posted January 5, 2013 Author Posted January 5, 2013 Thanks everyone. I guess I kept taking him back out of fear of being alone and my love for him. I kept hoping he'd change although its very clear that he never will, atleast not for me. He just feeds me lies to keep me around. Im not sure why im even so attracted to him. He doesnt even have a job right now (hes lost his job 3 times this past year) and every time he's lost it he starts bumming around from me and his friends as well. For examplec last night before the argument, he got mad that I didnt want to order food for him but i eventually gave in when he paid for half of it with what money he had (ive been ordering food a lot since he hasnt been working and cant afford it, i guess i felt bad for him) but he basically started treating me bad at that point because I guess he expected me to pay for it all every time. He's very selfish in other ways as well, never thankful for anything. Sigh. I just want him out of my life. I do not initiate contact with him, its him that comes back and i give in every time hoping things will be different! I'm a fool.
D-Lish Posted January 5, 2013 Posted January 5, 2013 But why does he feel the need to keep me around? I guess thats what im not understanding. I would never lead someone around like that, knowing it would hurt them, so what makes a person feel the need to do this? Insecurity? Ego? The fact that i loved him and it made him feel good about himself? Just dont get it. A better question to ask yourself is why do you feel the need to stick around? If someone treats you badly, you shouldn't waste time trying to figure out why they do it- you should ask yourself why you willingly accept it. When you choose not to accept poor treatment, you won't encounter it- that's the bottom line. You could spend years trying to figure out why someone else treats you badly- but the real answer is right in front of you ---> Because you allow it. Don't accept it. The sooner you adopt the attitude that you are worthy of a good man, you'll attract one. 4
Survivor12 Posted January 5, 2013 Posted January 5, 2013 Sorry to say, but I believe the answer you are seeking is in your last post. He keeps you around as insurance. "...he starts bumming around from me and his friends"....."he expected for me to pay for it all every time". That expectation didn't come out of nowhere. You've obviously given him reason to believe that you will "give in every time hoping things will be different!" He's a bum...cut him off and find someone who doesn't use you as his private welfare department.
newmoon Posted January 5, 2013 Posted January 5, 2013 did this guy ever fully express how he feels for you? like, did he say he loves you, or that he wants to marry you/get engaged/build a life together? if he didn't say those things then he likely keeps you around because you're 'nice' and you like him enough to stay. as someone else mentioned, the question in this situation would be why you are allowing yourself to continue with this person when you're not being treated well. it sounds like he may be emotionally immature (seesawing between good/bad behavior towards you). it shows he doesn't value you (as a partner) and likely won't take things any farther. if you want to continue i'm sure he'd like for you to stay - he's reaping benefits you aren't
Author naomii Posted January 5, 2013 Author Posted January 5, 2013 (edited) did this guy ever fully express how he feels for you? like, did he say he loves you, or that he wants to marry you/get engaged/build a life together? if he didn't say those things then he likely keeps you around because you're 'nice' and you like him enough to stay. as someone else mentioned, the question in this situation would be why you are allowing yourself to continue with this person when you're not being treated well. it sounds like he may be emotionally immature (seesawing between good/bad behavior towards you). it shows he doesn't value you (as a partner) and likely won't take things any farther. if you want to continue i'm sure he'd like for you to stay - he's reaping benefits you aren't Hes told me he cares about me a lot, said i love you once (in 3 years lol. ive told him i love him a few times). We talked about what kind of family/lifestyle we both wanted and we agreed on a lot in that aspect. He says him and I wouldnt work out because I "freak out too much for no reason" although I'd say finding texts/phone calls from other women in his phone more than once is a reason to freak out. He was just really good at telling me what I wanted to hear to keep me around. I'd never be able to fully trust him anyway so there'd be no point in dating him even if he did "change". It's day 2 NC with him. Edited January 5, 2013 by naomii
newmoon Posted January 5, 2013 Posted January 5, 2013 Hes told me he cares about me a lot, said i love you once (in 3 years lol. ive told him i love him a few times). We talked about what kind of family/lifestyle we both wanted and we agreed on a lot in that aspect. He says him and I wouldnt work out because I "freak out too much for no reason" although I'd say finding texts/phone calls from other women in his phone more than once is a reason to freak out. He was just really good at telling me what I wanted to hear to keep me around. I'd never be able to fully trust him anyway so there'd be no point in dating him even if he did "change". It's day 2 NC with him. i usually only respond to threads where my own situation is similar, that way my 'advice' is more useful. your relationship sounded similar to my own, in that the guy is a bit emotionally immature. even blaming you for finding stuff on his phone? he's trying to make himself the victim - you have every right to be upset by that. my bf and i have been together 1.5 years and he has never said ily, and i haven't either because he holds back the words. we decided on a break for 15-17 days while i am away, and have been NC for 6 days now. well, i have been NC for 6 days, he tried on day 3 and it went ignored. i hope you'll ignore this guy too, because he will reach out - he has it good with you and will miss that. stay strong and find someone who is better suited to you imo 2
clairegee Posted January 5, 2013 Posted January 5, 2013 this sounds like he is the 1 with the problem like he doesn't understand the damage he is doing emotionally u doubt need that take it from me a man doesn't understand how much pain they can cause emotionally I have been with my b friend 3 nd a bit years since I was 16 I no a fool right but I have felt alone depressed and have self harmed the whole time so take it from new if u are not 100 percent happy hunn then there is no point ask your self does he care about you does he show u that he cares that he is interested and most important never think less of yourself good luck hunn hope u sort this
Author naomii Posted January 5, 2013 Author Posted January 5, 2013 i usually only respond to threads where my own situation is similar, that way my 'advice' is more useful. your relationship sounded similar to my own, in that the guy is a bit emotionally immature. even blaming you for finding stuff on his phone? he's trying to make himself the victim - you have every right to be upset by that. my bf and i have been together 1.5 years and he has never said ily, and i haven't either because he holds back the words. we decided on a break for 15-17 days while i am away, and have been NC for 6 days now. well, i have been NC for 6 days, he tried on day 3 and it went ignored. i hope you'll ignore this guy too, because he will reach out - he has it good with you and will miss that. stay strong and find someone who is better suited to you imo Thanks so much for responding, im glad im not the only one going through this. Youre right, he tries to make himself the victim and tells everyone that im crazy. But he knows im a good person and cant stand it everytime i try to leave him. I need to stay strong this time and move on for good. Ive been so depressed ever since i met him 3 years ago.
todreaminblue Posted January 5, 2013 Posted January 5, 2013 (edited) I find it hard to give up on people.....people have failed me so i have a phobia abotu failing others...makes me try harder actually i have been treated badly by quite a few men, and i read what other posters say about you ALLOW THAT TO HAPPEN that isn't the case i just forgive Holding a grudge and writing some one off because they said something to me that was uncalled for is not my style i would have no friends or family....... I pick my battles and for me to battle it needs to be worth fighting for.... most people i am around will realize when my boundary is maxed out and they step back i did a tafe course there was this guy, an outspoken guy summed me up pretty well.....we had to give an opinion on someone in the class he chose me.....he said i was the quietest in the class, I hardly spoke,he said he could tell i would be a mouse that roared because even though i was quiet i wasnt timid if I had something important to say I would say it and watch out if I was on the defense.... i stood up for a woman who other women were picking on in that tafe course and i stood alone when I did it said it loud so all the class could hear like they had done to her.Every action equals an equal and opposite reaction. she wore a black bra under a white shirt and they gave her hell,bullying, shaming,smirking laughing, so I called them out in front of the class when the teacher went to the men's room..... I wasnt rude I just told them who did they think they were and I didnt want to hear their trash and to leave her alone because if she wasnt going to say anything I would.I already knew fom talking to this girl she didn't have another bra,she had asked me was her top see through I told her it was but not to worry about it, she was really self conscious about it.Those girls never said anything about her again, not in front of me or her anyway. Just because I can forgive people doesn't mean I allow things to happen, if it is something that needs for me to stand up I will stand, but if I had to stand every time someone did something crap to me .....i would hardly sit down. People think its being a pushover to be forgiving, it is a hell of a lot harder to forgive I tend to get more respect and people listen to what I have to say when I say it, they know exactly when enough is enough. Shouldnt underestimate forgiving people they dont ALLOW it to happen, they pick their battles You should pick your battles and throw away inconsequential battles, people tend to get upset when there are grains of truth in what is being said.......even if it is said crassly. You have to analize if this is the case before you jump on the soapbox, because if you don't find what it is that upset you, that is exactly what they will use to bring you down because the truth hurts.Lies or slander or defamation of your character not so much, thats more likely to piss you off and that's when you take the soapbox and throw it at them, they will back down and most likely shut up......deb Edited January 5, 2013 by todreaminblue
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