Regret

[Zeital]

I just found this forum and would really appreciate some unbiased/external opinions!

 

Background: My ex-girlfriend and I were together for 3.5 years and split up at the end of September last year. We had a fantastic relationship, got on together very well (rarely argued) and even stayed together during our periods of studying abroad in different countries. During the final year of university, we lived together and things seemed to cool off due to, as I have now realised, my emotional immaturity. We're both now 22 and I basically panicked at how plans were being made for after university, living together, her moving across the country specifically to be near me. I didn't want her to give up her career ambitions for me and I guess I distanced myself emotionally from her.

 

This continued after we'd finished university and I eventually brought about the break-up due to me being completely confused as to what was going to happen between us. I am now regretting that terribly. The only issues between us were her hurting due to me distancing myself emotionally. I now realised I shouldn't have given up like that, should have discussed these things with her and worked on a solution. I guess a part of me felt I needed to experience other relationships to really be able to appreciate how good the one I had was. I now realise that's ridiculous and you really shouldn't "fix something that isn't broken". Had I discussed these things with her, we'd still be together.

 

I know hindsight is a wonderful thing. I'd been keeping up to date with her on Facebook but noticed recently she'd deleted my profile. I've heard from friends she thinks this is best in the long run (she wouldn't want to see me together with someone new etc.) when the reality is I don't want to be with anyone else.

 

So my question: Should I get back in touch with her and try to fix this? I've spoken to friends and they seem to think I need to gather my thoughts and really think about this. But I was hoping some anonymous/completely unbiased views can't hurt either.

 

I'm sorry for the essay I've just written but any advice/input would very much be appreciated. If any more information is needed, just shout! I don't even know if she'd want to see me again but don't want to feel in the future that I could have fixed this and failed to seize the opportunity!

 

EDIT: I should probably mention we have both chosen not to contact each other since we broke up 3 months ago. I know from mutual friends that she's found it very difficult not to contact me and it's the same for me with regard to her.

[Treasa]

I agree with your friends. Make sure you've thought this out carefully and that it's not just a matter of wanting what you can't have.

 

Once you've really done that, if you still really want to be with her and are fairly certain you won't do what you did before, I'd say go ahead and tell her that you really love her, you were an idiot, and ask her to please try again.

 

Maybe she will and maybe she won't. But you have to make it perfectly clear without going crazy over it, and then respect her decision either way.

 

You're both young. You'll be ok either way.

[RR1]

Don't know mate, it does sound very much like my own situation though. I was seeing a girl for a few years but we always seem to stuggle to take things on to a permanent basis. No doubt we loved each other very much but we always stuggled to figure out where we were going next. We have both had our issues that we have needed to work through but we both have made progress in our own ways and both worked really hard to address the issues that affected us first time around. I think we have both made a lot of progress, yeah we may have some work left to do but there's no doubt that we have addressed many of the problems and came up with our own solutions and have benefited from the experience and the learning that came from that.

 

We split up six months ago because we both had things we still needed to fix in our lives and maybe we just weren't ready for each other then. I think we both had a feeling that at some point in the future we were destined to try again, i have never felt such a deep and lasting connection with another individual in my life. During our time apart i worked on fixing many of my problems and she did the same, she also branched out and tried new experiences in life. During our time apart i always felt that we had a certain amount of unfinished business, i felt there was a lot we could give to each other when the time was right. I definitely got the impression she felt likewise. So throughout our time apart i very much looked forward to the time when we could try again. Having said that i was also realistic and prepared myself for the possibility that maybe we would never get back together. I was hoping that we would get the opportunity because i so wanted to give it another go but nothing is ever certain in life.

 

We eventually met-up around Sept time and i was really looking forward to having another go, it very much felt like unfinished business for both of us i think. The only problem was she seemed a bit unsure, maybe i wasn't communicating enough enthusiasm, i don't know. We definitely had that old spark but there was a reticence about her that indicated she wasn't sure. I thought it best not to push too hard because she isn't the type of person who responds well to be pressured into making a decision, i reasoned that could back-fire badly so i thought best to take things slow and let things develop naturally at their own pace. I also wanted her to be sure about her decision and i didn't think she could do that if i was rushing her into making her mind-up. Anyway, things ticked along very slowly for the next two and half to three months-ish. Now as i've already said i love this girl to bits and would love to have a second chance but i'm also keen to decide one way or the other, i reasoned three months was long enough to come to a decision. Unfortunately i was very mucg getting the impression that she wasn't ready to make a decision. As much as i loved her i just didn't feel able to wait any longer, it was frustrating because i love her like i've never loved anyone else and i was more than happy for the relationship to develop at a pace she was comfortable with, there was no way i was going to be rushing her into anything she wasn't

totally comfortable with. I did at least want to know that we were making a commitment to each other and moving forward with the relationship. She seemed to indicate that a realtionship was still a possibility at some point in the future but she wasn't ready for it yet. That's fair enough but i did indicte to her that i wasn't sure i could wait any longer for her to make a decision, I'd given her in the region of three months to decide how she wanted to proceed and i was getting what i perceived to be a very non-commital response. Maybe i was just misreading things, i may have but i do think that she wasn't completely ready.

 

Because i was getting the feeling that she was not ready to commit to us and she didn't seem sure at what point in the future she would be ready i must admit that i started to pull away a bit, i really do love her loads but i just couldn't carry on waiting for someone i am madly in love when she wasn't sure i was the onefor her. She noticed my slight withdrawl and assumed i must have started a new relationship which i haven't, i was just preparing myself for the fact that she didn't want to be with me, as much as it hurt i had to prepare myself for cold hard reality. I'd be right there if she definitely decided she wanted to give us another go even iff it was at a snail's pace. I get the impression she was really disappointed by my change of heart but it was only a protection measure in case we weren't meant to be. I was looking for a fairly clear signal that we would give things a try and that signal didn't seem to be forthcoming. She thought maybe that i was being cold and hard in my handling of the situation but in reality i was anything but, there was nothing more i wanted than to try again but i had also spent the last few months preparing myself in case that didn't happen. Maybe she felt she had given me some clear signals and i had plainly missed them, either way it just didn't seem to be working out as i had hoped and prayed for.

 

If we don't at least try then i think we will have missed the opportunity of a lifetime, never have i felt such a bond with someone, it was awesome, that most uncredible feeling i have ever had. I know she was worried about getting hurt but she means so much too me i couldn't ever do anything but love her. I would rather we at least tried rather than let such a wonderful opportunity slip by, i have waited my entire life for her and if i look back with regret i would rather it be regret that we tried and failed rather than regret because we never even tried. I felt that we had given each so much in the way of life experience and we still had so much to give each other, all she has to do is say yes, it's as simple as that. I don't want to give up on her but at the same time i have to know there is the beginnings of something special, if we try and she decides after a short time that it's not for her then so be it, we'll at least have the knowledge that it wasn't meant to be rather than that awful feeling of we could have tried harder but we didn't.

 

You are probably feeling the same way, all i can say is i know where you're at. All we can do is be ready and hope that maybe, just maybe, we have something to work on and nurture, i want to spend my life with this person so much but ultimately all i can do is say i'm here for you if you want me.

[Zeital]

Thanks for your replies!

 

...

 

I agree with you RR1, I feel there may still be an opportunity for me to fix things but am going backwards and forwards in my mind about whether it would be the right thing to do to try. Is it worth taking that risk of more pain for the potential of having that back again? Or should I just accept the fact that she's trying to move on like me and that things are over. But will I regret never trying to salvage what we had given that the issues weren't insurmountable? They were ultimately down to me being an idiot!

 

I've been speaking to a mutual friend who has been one of the ones my ex-girlfriend has been discussing our break-up with. I was just after some advice really but didn't expect specifics as she's a close and loyal friend of my ex and didn't want to discuss specific feelings regarding the break-up which she'd been told in confidence. She basically told me that if I definitely want to get back in touch then I should do, but if I do, I should be 'careful'. I'm not entirely sure what she means by "careful" but have taken it to mean that I need to know in my mind exactly what I am hoping to achieve by getting back in touch and not go in with all guns blazing. Sound about right? I suppose that if she'd got the impression my ex had forgotten me for good and wanted nothing more to do with me, she'd have said.

 

I hope things work out RR1! All the best! My current plan is to try and get some more advice here and from different places and see how I feel in a week's time once I have a few exams out of the way. One thing I am 100% sure about is that I need things completely straight in my head before I decide what to do.

[RR1]

That sounds like a good idea, take your time and decide what you want to do, be comfortable and happy with your decision.

 

Obviously i can't advise you on your situation as i am not familar with any of the people involved. I'm not sure how you should go about it, even if you don't go in all gun's blazing maybe go in with a fairly clear agenda so you know what you want to achieve. It's so difficult gauging the right way to approach things, you can love someone with all your heart but still fail to convey that to them properly, i did that with my last g/f. I just always seemed to say the wrong things at the wrong time or nothing when i should have been saying something. At least if you leave it for a week you can have a think about what you want to say. I always used to send emails to my ex-g/f and she must have got fed-up reading them at times but the reason i did it was because of....well you know when you rehearse exactly what you plan to say to someone and then when it comes to doing it in person it comes out all different or you forget exactly what you are going to say and leave half of it out, well i found with an email i could always remember everything and say all the things i thought she should hear and also like to hear. Of course there is never a better way of communicating than in person but the email definitely serves it's purpose. I never knew for sure if it was the right thing to do, i just sort of hoped it was.

 

I can see exactly what you are saying about not giving up in a situation when the problems aren't insurmountable. I hate that feeling of i could have worked harder to make things right there and i so wish i had. At least when you have tried your best you know there was nothing more you could have done. All you can do is your very best, it's when you feel you could have done more that it nags at you, it does me anyway. I know that i kept making mistakes and i didn't communicate properly with people because i was scared of people if i'm honest. I was scared of getting hurt, i had this fine act of appearing confident on the outside and really good with people but i always ran when anyone tried to get too close, i had never really met anyone that i wanted to stay with permanently in a relationship long-term until i met my last g/f. I wanted to be with her so much but i still had a lot of barriers to break down. It must have been frustrating for her at times. I keep working on improving myself though and hopefully i can aviod many of my previous mistakes, i'm trying my best.

 

Good luck with everything, i wish you all the best and i hope you really sort everything out for the best. Nothing is ever easy but it's worth persisting because if you do you'll get there in the end. It maybe up and down at times but you'll be so happy you did when it all works out.