How did I get here?

[loredo21]

Hi All!

 

I'm new here so thought I would tell my story. Hope it's not too long. (though I could probably write a book)...

 

I'm the OW. Affair was with a MM. who was also my boss. who also had a 6month old baby at home. I am married with one child. I don't know how I got here.

 

I have the most amazing H. He would do anything for me and is the most supportive man I have ever met. But in the 3 years since we had a child everything fell apart. I had a slew of medical issues (mental and physical). We suffered some tragedies. And then everything went downhill. fast. Whatever was happening with us and our lives cause the love on my end to be lost for him. i tried everything to get it back. We've done therapy, couples and individual. medication. We tried dates. I took vacations to clear my head. I started yoga. I mean, i was willing to try anything to get our love back to the way it was. But nothing worked. I was so unhappy and depressed. He started working all the time and couldn't be there for me. We continued to grow apart.

 

Earlier this year, I got an amaaazing job opportunity in a field I have always wanted to be a part of. I was on cloud nine, and my boss seemed like a pretty chill guy. There was NO instant attraction there. He was young for my taste even though we were the same age. He had bad manners. And was kind of a little douchey. haha. We had to spend every day together in the same office with the type of work we did. Our job also required us to work weekend nights. Late nights. It started with innocent after work drinks at the office with the other employees.

 

But soon we were having to run errand together. and were one on one a lot more. It's like the universe put us in our own little bubble. Then one day it just clicked. I remember the exact moment when I realized my crush on him. It was after a 8*high-five*. I was in trouble. So was he. I knew the feeling was mutual. We had a mutual love for music so "as a friend" I invited him to a concert. Nothing happened at all that night. Just a lot of talking. It took us about a week to say anything about it. I was out for a girls night and texted him to meet us out for a drink (ya know, my new boss friend) that's normal right? He said he would rather hang out alone and was coming to pick me up. I faked sick and left my friends. (the betrayal and deception was beginning already). We went back to the shop and after talking for a while he asked me if we needed to discuss the "pink elephant" in the room. I coyly said I had no idea what he was talking about. Then he just blurted out that he was attracted to me and he knew i was attracted to him, but we worked together, and oh yeah, were both married with kids. I wish we had the willpower to stop it then before it started. We did not.

 

Sparing any salacious details our first kiss that night led to a 2 month full blown affair. We were both so happy. We didn't care about anything else but eachother. which is awful. He promised me everything. We were both unhappy at home and wanted to be together.

Then his wife found out. She called me on his phone. My whole world was over. I had to tell my husband which is the hardest thing i have ever had to do in my life. MM totally coward out. He told me that I meant nothing to him and that he loved his wife and to leave him alone. It didn't make any sense. I had heard nothing but horrible things about their life together. (from him and others)...I was duped. totally and completely played.

 

Ending the affair has been hard enough. But the rejection. The ending it with no answers. No explanation. And cutting off all contact with me. I know his wife is making the rules now. But I feel like a crazy person. Like I imagined the whole thing up in my head. I know what he felt for me, and could see it in his eyes. I know what we had. Why didn't he? Or was he just to scared to make it work?

 

 

My marriage is ending. I have given up everything in my life for this affair. And feel so embarrassed. I also have to give up the career in a field I love in this town because he's a pretty big name in the industry. I risked everything. And I see them online (we have many mutual friends) looking like a big happy family. And his wife saying she wants to have another baby and stuff. He didn't even want the FIRST child they had. I can't understand how someone so miserable in their life is willing to settle. I refuse to settle.

 

I am moving on and excited about the next chapter of my life. But I miss him. And I'm hurt. So hurt. This NC thing is killing me slowly.

Anyhoo. I know this is long. not really sure how this board works yet. Hopefully I can gain and give some good support here.

peace <3

Edited January 4, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[veryhappy]

I'm sorry you are hurt.

 

If you'd read more A stories you'd find some very similar points with yours: you had an exit A, you were done with your M, but couldn't quite make the move( women tend to have A when they see their R as over); his reaction when is W found out is more cliché than turkey on Thanksgiving, your hurt and sense of betrayal at having believed him very understandable and normal.

 

There is life after As, he just won't be in yours. Get divorced, stay in the career you want( why not, f him). Do what you want to do for yourself, while accepting he's married and staying married.

 

If you'll be consumed with thoughts of their M and his W, know that he's cheated on her, and jerky moves like having a baby or vow renewal are out of desperation and fear rather than indicative of their current state. An A takes years to be dealt with as a couple. Read the infidelity forum, it's a journey I'd rather not take. Slightly prefer to be the disposed evil OW.

[loredo21]

I'm sorry you are hurt.

 

If you'd read more A stories you'd find some very similar points with yours: you had an exit A, you were done with your M, but couldn't quite make the move( women tend to have A when they see their R as over); his reaction when is W found out is more cliché than turkey on Thanksgiving, your hurt and sense of betrayal at having believed him very understandable and normal.

 

There is life after As, he just won't be in yours. Get divorced, stay in the career you want( why not, f him). Do what you want to do for yourself, while accepting he's married and staying married.

 

If you'll be consumed with thoughts of their M and his W, know that he's cheated on her, and jerky moves like having a baby or vow renewal are out of desperation and fear rather than indicative of their current state. An A takes years to be dealt with as a couple. Read the infidelity forum, it's a journey I'd rather not take. Slightly prefer to be the disposed evil OW.

 

THANK YOU! great advice! And I agree, the whole thing is so cliche it makes me want to puke.

[loredo21]

Your story is quite typical. Married en and women working long hours is a catalyst for infidelity. Happens every day!

 

Getting dumped and thrown under the bus is also quite typical, happens all the time.

 

The love in the affair bubble breaks down after d-day. Nothing new here, also par for the course, you are not alone.

 

What strikes me about you is that you require external validation to be happy and your husband simply could not make you happy anymore despite being a good guy.

 

I suggest you seek IC before embarking into another relationship. No one can make you happy all the time.

 

I do agree with most of your points. But 3 years of unhappiness is a long time. My Husband IS a good guy. A great guy that anyone would be lucky to have. I guess I have many deep rooted issues to deal with in order to understand why it wasn't enough. Or why I felt the need to sabotage it, as I didn't deserve him. I know not one person can make me happy all of the time. I get that. But there was nothing left in my marriage that made me happy.

What I really agree with you on is looking for external validation for my own happiness. That is me alright! I am constantly seeking approval from others. I've made it a resolution of sorts to just be me and make myself happy. Or no one else will ever be able to again.

I'm in IC. And have been since all of the issues started 3 years ago. It's getting better. (but nowhere near perfect considering the A just happend in the last year)...

[Sparkly24]

You need to look at your affair in perspective. It could be worse, you could have ended up with him. It could be worse, you could still be struggling and forcing yourself to feel things for your H that were not there. It could be worse, your A could have carried on and you could have wasted years of your life having a relationship that co-exists with lies, guilt and judgement from friends and family. There are so many possible outcomes and only one of them is 'he leaves his wife and I am happy with him forever' and from what I have read on this forum that does not happen very often. You have a new chapter to start and the one outcome you should really focus on is having a relationship with yourself, giving yourself love, attention, respect and time to heal.

 

It does make me laugh how MM seem to go back to their wives and instantly swear blind they want to stay with their marriage and make things work after they have been discovered. It reminds me of Scar in the lion king when he gets cornered by Simba at the end and tries to blame everything on the hyenas. Silly I know but that's always what I think of, and in reality its very hurtful to the OW.

[Decorative]

He's not miserable and settling - the man is exactly where he wants to be.

 

Exactly.

 

His wife may be "making the rules", but what is more typical is that he has thrown himself at her feet and begged to be allowed to stay married.

 

And every action he takes is a result of that.

[Decorative]

You need to look at your affair in perspective. It could be worse, you could have ended up with him. It could be worse, you could still be struggling and forcing yourself to feel things for your H that were not there. It could be worse, your A could have carried on and you could have wasted years of your life having a relationship that co-exists with lies, guilt and judgement from friends and family. There are so many possible outcomes and only one of them is 'he leaves his wife and I am happy with him forever' and from what I have read on this forum that does not happen very often. You have a new chapter to start and the one outcome you should really focus on is having a relationship with yourself, giving yourself love, attention, respect and time to heal.

 

It does make me laugh how MM seem to go back to their wives and instantly swear blind they want to stay with their marriage and make things work after they have been discovered. It reminds me of Scar in the lion king when he gets cornered by Simba at the end and tries to blame everything on the hyenas. Silly I know but that's always what I think of, and in reality its very hurtful to the OW.

 

If he wanted to leave, discovery or not, he would leave. Period.

[loredo21]

I do agree with some of the posters. He made the choice. If he wanted to be with me, he would. But in this case I actually know he is miserable. He is staying for financial stability. She owns everything. The house, his car, his business (i've seen proof of this)...He would lose it all. We worked with mutual friends that had no idea of the affair and even they would tell me how miserable he is too. They all couldn't stand his wife. When someone tells you they are in a marriage of convenience and got in way over their heads and all the signs are pointing to that being the truth, it is really hard to see it otherwise.

But believe me, after reading other posts i UNDERSTAND I could have been fed lines and lie after lie after lie.

You all bring up a good point. *I* personally have nothing. I'm a Stay at home mom who doesn't have a dime to my name and won't get much after ending my marriage, and I am willing to make the big change for the sake of my own happiness and sanity....so why wouldn't he?...

Thanks!

[loredo21]

You had an exit affair - he only wanted to cake eat.

He's not miserable and settling - the man is exactly where he wants to be.

 

he seemed like he wanted an exit affair too

[loredo21]

You sound like a great woman that gave 120% to your relationship with H and MOM, but I suspect you may encounter the same issues again if you don't make changes.

 

I may appear to be a broken record by mentioning the concept of external validation, however it plays a big role in EMRs and marriage.

 

No one can make you happy 24/7. I would simply concentrate on that aspect. Why is that? Do you realize that the happy people in the planet are intrinsically happy?

 

Thank you Pierre! Your comments are much appreciated i will continue to work on my self-discovery.

[loredo21]

She owns everything because he didn't want (or couldn't) have things in his name.

There's a reason for that.

 

Have you done a background check on this clown - he probably had to file for bankruptcy a few times, has a few judgments against him and lord knows what else.

 

Call his wife and you'll find out why he's so "miserable." He's probably a man child and resents his "mommy/wife."

 

You have NO IDEA what their marriage is (or has) been like . . . for him . . . or for her.

 

And BTW, he wouldn't "lose it all." You are very gullible.

 

You are right. But I won't contact the wife. I'm leaving it alone. Just would like to gain some support and perspective on the whole situation. That's why I'm here, and appreciate all of the feedback <3