So confused, tried to work things out and she gives me "I need more time"

[jprez1980]

I need some advice, I don't really know how to proceed. First a little background, the woman I was dating for 3 months, had a prior DWI and is going to court this Friday to resolve it. On the previous Friday I was with her at a club where she kissed another guy and things ended as she cheated on me. Yesterday (Monday) she called wanting to try and work things out and we talked about what would need to change and we chose to have a fresh start as of that night. In otherwords, move past the bad and remember the good. Today she wanted to meet me at Starbucks to talk, she was so dedicated to trying to change herself and prove herself to me because she wanted this more than anything in the world, or so she said on Monday night. At Starbucks, she admits she can't do this, trust was broken, and it was her doing. And with all the stress over her pending court case she can't clearly think about what to do. As she put it, "I need time to think". I don't really have any idea what that means, like I told her I cannot and will not wait around its not fair for me. She told me that she isn't going to be doing anything with anyone else, she just needs to work out her court issue for the DWI and get her drinking in check and then focus back on us. She claims that yesterday she was living a fantasy where we could just go forward and when she saw me she realized she couldn't, and that we needed time apart. I broke down in the car since it hurt to get my expections all raised and then lowered because she couldn't make a rational decision last night. She showed no emotion, only wiped my tears.

 

So my questions are:

 

1. Should I have any contact with this person (chat, e-mail, phone, etc) I almost wanted to call her tonight but didnt.

2. Should I wait around and avoid bars, clubs, etc. My friends think it would do me some good to get out.

3. Is the "I need time to think" line a nice way of letting someone down for good

4. Is this really over? I mean she cheated on me and now is telling me she needs time.

[honey2005]

So my questions are:

 

1. Should I have any contact with this person (chat, e-mail, phone, etc) I almost wanted to call her tonight but didnt.

2. Should I wait around and avoid bars, clubs, etc. My friends think it would do me some good to get out.

3. Is the "I need time to think" line a nice way of letting someone down for good

4. Is this really over? I mean she cheated on me and now is telling me she needs time

 

1. I really don't think you should have contact with her, at lest not for awhile. After all, she was the one who let you go. Give her some time, at least enough to get through the court case and whatever else is bothering her, and then maybe try to contact her.

 

2. No don't wait around! Why would you want to sit at home by the phone waiting for her to call you when you're the one who said flat out that you weren't going to wait. You were right about that, it's not fair to you, not at all. She's the one who is confused, but that doesn't mean you have to sit around and wait when she may not even have any intention of coming back to you. Go out, have fun, be with your friends, enjoy your life. Don't sit at home sulking about what you could be doing with her right now or how things could have been.

 

3. "I need time to think" is a pretty common way of letting people down. But I don't know if it's for good, and it doesn't always mean that in every circumstance. She could be telling you the truth when she says she just needs time to figure out what's going on. It seems like she does have a lot on her plate right now.

 

4. I don't know if it's over; even she might not know if it's over yet. What confuses me is she is the one who cheated on you, but she has turned ths whole situation around where you are the one pining for her and she just gets to go off and do whatever it is she wants to do (which is hopefully worry about her court case).

 

I'm not trying to give you false hope here (if it even is false) I'm just trying to tell you what I think. I've never been put in a situation like this before. I've been dumped and cheated on, but never said "I need time." It was always over for good once it was over. I think it was really low of her to get you all excited and then hurt you like that. I recommend just giving her some time now, and then when things are more settled talk to her about what happened.

[jprez1980]

honey2005-

 

Thank you for the information. I totally agree how it was turned around on me and how unfair it is. Her lack of emotion and the fact she cheated seems to tell me I cared more than she did but I guess you can't go by emotion alone. If she calls or IMs me should I even respond or should I not even answer the phone or respond to her IMs? I wonder if she will even call or not. I feel that no contact only allows for memories of us to slip away. After she said "I need time to think" she told me "If I walk out this door is it forever? If it is tell me and I will never contact you again". I told her I couldn't answer that question. I don't know if my response was appropriate or not. I think she turned this around on me so she could dance to help pay off her court costs and fines. A promise was made that she would never dance when she was with me. Now that she isn't with me, I'm fairly certain she will go back to that lifestyle to pay the fines.

[NatoPMT]

Hi jprez

 

My feeling on this is for you mentally shut the door here - no contact, no responding to IM's etc. Yes, she has a lot on her plate, but that shouldnt affect your relationship together in the respect that it did, did having an impending court case force her to cheat? while you were at a club with her? No. Absolutely not. You should concentrate on you now.

 

BB

[jprez1980]

Thanks everyone. It sucks thats for sure, seeing her online and not communicating. I'm speaking to a psychologist tomorrow since its the second time i have been cheated on. Perhaps its me, I don't know, I certainly don't think I drove anyone to that. I am giving her until Monday to make contact, I think the contact part is in her court...she needed the space and the time so she could contact me. Maybe I'm wrong on that, if so please tell. But I have mentally chosen Monday as the point of no return. If I am really as important as she claimed she would know and tell me. If I am not, silence is golden. My friends tell me I was used, with her being an ex dancer and all maybe they are right. She never spent a penny on this relationship, I did all the wining and dining, but I was very happy to do so at the time. Grrrr