Author movingon45 Posted January 5, 2013 Author Posted January 5, 2013 I am wondering if this is poster is for real. None of it makes much sense . I am for real. Perhaps unique I can see that now, but real.
Got it Posted January 5, 2013 Posted January 5, 2013 movingon- Are you in therapy? I think you have a few things that you need to deep dive with a professional and really make some life decisions. I think there are things with yourself that you are out of touch with and need to learn a lot more about yourself, what makes you tick, what is important to you, and what you really feel. I would work on IC and then look to have your husband do MC with you. I think there are some very frank heart to heart conversations that are in your guys' future that needs to happen. It is a hard place to be in, but you guys need to come together as partners and both be willing to try and meet the other one half way or go your separate ways. 1
cherryflower Posted January 5, 2013 Posted January 5, 2013 Hi TO I can understand your position because I've been in a similar one. I didn't have penetrative sex before marriage, my ex-husband got erections but didn't become hard enough and ejaculated very quickly, so I didn't feel that much during penetration. But since I'd never experienced sex before marriage I couldn't really compare and I guess I thought this was what sex was and what other people experienced. It actually turned me off sex, and in the end I thought that I was frigid. I guess it's hard for other people to understand that you can accept this for a longer period of time, but if you've never experienced what good sex is, you just continue. Later on I found out that my ex had a severe personality disorder which caused him having problems with intimacy. He just couldn't connect deeply and this also showed in his sexual performance. And since he probably (unconsciously) wanted to avoid that intimate connection, he didn't want to work on his problem. I also found out during an affair (during the separation process; which lasted four years; the marriage lasted 6 years) what sex could feel like. I guess there are no easy solutions to this. It is painful and no matter which route you take, it will be painful. People give all types of advice, don't do this, don't do that, but in the end you're just a human being that wants to be held and experience some sexual fulfillment. I can't say that my affair was the solution, it also brought its own misery, but I can understand why I did it. Wishing you a lot of strength I know it isn't easy ... 2
stillafool Posted January 6, 2013 Posted January 6, 2013 Oops it was 18-19 years with no orgasm or sex instead of 26 years. Truthfully, it makes no difference. The issue remains the same. Why did you waited this long? I believe many affairs are related to opportunity and MOM gave you an opportunity.\\ I agree. What took so long? Tell the truth, you just wanted attention from another man instead of your husband. If it were truly just the impotency problem there are other things that could have been done besides jumping into bed with your ex.
Author movingon45 Posted January 6, 2013 Author Posted January 6, 2013 Thanks. My H won't go for any kind of counselling. I think that he's too proud to do that, but I can do IC. It took 8 years of nagging on my part for him to go for sperm test. It turned out that he wasn't producing any sperm at all.
Author movingon45 Posted January 6, 2013 Author Posted January 6, 2013 Oops it was 18-19 years with no orgasm or sex instead of 26 years. Truthfully, it makes no difference. The issue remains the same. Why did you waited this long? I believe many affairs are related to opportunity and MOM gave you an opportunity.\\ I didn't know what I was missing. I had no sexual experience before marriage and in my culture people don't talk about sex and divorce is not an option. I think that it's a combination of many things from the book (When Good People Have Affairs) that I've just read. The book states 17 reasons for going into affairs. For me it's a combination of: see-if affair, unmeet-needs, having experiences I missed out on, do I still have it?, midlife-crisis, sexual panic and midmarriage crisis. The book was a good read, but I still want to hear from actual experiences so I went to this forum.
Author movingon45 Posted January 6, 2013 Author Posted January 6, 2013 Hi TO I can understand your position because I've been in a similar one. I didn't have penetrative sex before marriage, my ex-husband got erections but didn't become hard enough and ejaculated very quickly, so I didn't feel that much during penetration. But since I'd never experienced sex before marriage I couldn't really compare and I guess I thought this was what sex was and what other people experienced. It actually turned me off sex, and in the end I thought that I was frigid. I guess it's hard for other people to understand that you can accept this for a longer period of time, but if you've never experienced what good sex is, you just continue. Later on I found out that my ex had a severe personality disorder which caused him having problems with intimacy. He just couldn't connect deeply and this also showed in his sexual performance. And since he probably (unconsciously) wanted to avoid that intimate connection, he didn't want to work on his problem. I also found out during an affair (during the separation process; which lasted four years; the marriage lasted 6 years) what sex could feel like. I guess there are no easy solutions to this. It is painful and no matter which route you take, it will be painful. People give all types of advice, don't do this, don't do that, but in the end you're just a human being that wants to be held and experience some sexual fulfillment. I can't say that my affair was the solution, it also brought its own misery, but I can understand why I did it. Wishing you a lot of strength I know it isn't easy ... Ohhh thank you so much, cherryflower for responding. It's a relief that I am not alone! I don't express myself well in English because it's not my first language. You have explained it so well!!!! Also, I didn't get married just for the sex and to have children, so I thought it was okay. I've also heard that some people stop having regular sex when they got married. Following this affair came a lot of self reflection like how important is sex to me now that I have experienced what it's like? What do I really like? Is it too late? Am I being impulsive? Am i just responding to the perpetual first date? Etc etc. Yes, it's not easy, but no regrets. I can learn from this. It's been 5 days of absolute NC since I ended the affair. It's been painful but each day gets easier. I am so tempted to make contact, but there's no future! How did you find out that your H had that disorder? You're so right about people giving advice that are helpful and not so helpful and in the end you're the one who has to make the decision and live with that decision. It's also difficult to explain everything. I had to delete other info because it would be too long a novel. Thanks again.
coffeebean201 Posted January 6, 2013 Posted January 6, 2013 In your culture is it possible for an older married couple to quietly start living near each other (same neighbourhood), though stay married and still be a part of each other's lives? And then you could quietly still spend time with someone of your choosing, who may or may not be this exbf. By the way, ...... I wouldn't take sex advice in my marriage from an exbf. Also just because he is impotent........ doesn't mean your husband doesn't love you very very much. Hard for us to tell much about your hubby, except he hates outside interference.
Author movingon45 Posted January 6, 2013 Author Posted January 6, 2013 In your culture is it possible for an older married couple to quietly start living near each other (same neighbourhood), though stay married and still be a part of each other's lives? And then you could quietly still spend time with someone of your choosing, who may or may not be this exbf. By the way, ...... I wouldn't take sex advice in my marriage from an exbf. Also just because he is impotent........ doesn't mean your husband doesn't love you very very much. Hard for us to tell much about your hubby, except he hates outside interference. Thanks for responding. I think it's possible. I've seen this having separate lives yet still together. I think that's what's been happening to us. We are still together. We have some things in common, yet we pursue individual interests and give each other space. It's like marriage for convenience even though we don't have kids. Some say they stay for the sake of the children. Yes, I think that he still loves me. Re advice from the exbf, I did find it weird, but his advice were actually good. He's not trying to break us apart and there's no jealousy at all. He's jealous with other men although I don't have any apart from him, but when I mention about a gym instructor for instance he gets jealous.
Got it Posted January 6, 2013 Posted January 6, 2013 I agree. What took so long? Tell the truth, you just wanted attention from another man instead of your husband. If it were truly just the impotency problem there are other things that could have been done besides jumping into bed with your ex. I will address this as a valid question and not a very thinly veiled insult. There is a process you go through with these things. First off women are taught that sex is not the be all and end all. We prioritize it differently at times than men. But for someone who started like the OP, sex is not a number one priority for a relationship. She waited until marriage so her experience was very limited. There are other things that marriage will bring, companionship, security, familiarity, societal recognition/expectation, etc. So in the beginning you are have problems in the bedroom but it is okay, these things happen and its not a priority. Time goes on, and for a long time these other factors get restructured on the priority list and especially after 30 sex (for most women) becomes a higher priority. Now you have a larger need for it so lack thereof in one's relationship become more pronounced but who ends a relationship because of sex? Especially a women? You talk to friends and family about it and are usually given the same advice, this is not something that should be prioritized as a dealbreaker. So life goes on. You talk to your spouse some on it but the sheer topic is one where its uncomfortable, they may get defensive as soon as its broached. And you are hitting a man right where it hurts (and yes I understand what the affair does as well but you aren't there mentally yet). So you ask for therapy, you may get yes'ed but nothing happens. You get told no. So time moves on, and you focus on other things. And the suddenly there is a perfect storm presented. You are finally there mentally where you have done what you can to get your spouse to address things. If they don't care, why should you? You hit an emotional "done" point. Yes it is easy to say, well you should have divorced. It is always easy to back seat drive how others should run their lives. 2
Author movingon45 Posted January 6, 2013 Author Posted January 6, 2013 And that's exactly what happened. You got it, got it. Sorry pun intended. Excellent analysis on your part. Life "happened" I just accepted it and focused on my career. And then I hit 43 and reconnected with my ex and suddenly I'm rethinking my life.
Got it Posted January 6, 2013 Posted January 6, 2013 And that's exactly what happened. You got it, got it. Sorry pun intended. Excellent analysis on your part. Life "happened" I just accepted it and focused on my career. And then I hit 43 and reconnected with my ex and suddenly I'm rethinking my life. (((moving))) But this is the point where I divorced. Once I could have sex with another man I did not love my ex like I should or like he deserved. Please think about that as well. While I was disappointed that my ex didn't care more about our sex life, about being happy, I did want him happy and letting him go was the best thing I could do. He did deserve better than me. He deserved to be loved totally and all consuming. He deserved to find a square peg to his square hole. And what I was finding with now dMM was what he deserved. Think about it please. Think about what you want for you. Think about what you want for your husband. I know that making the move to go solo is a scary one but know that you will be okay. You have turned a chapter you can not undo. You are now a different person. What do you want with the new you? Think about getting off the fence and think about which side is the real "you". ((((moving)))) You are going to be okay, either way.
Author movingon45 Posted January 6, 2013 Author Posted January 6, 2013 Thanks for the encouragement. A lot to think about definitely! So are you now solo? Is there a happy ending ? Just using my phone so I can't really read the posts right now. Thanks again. Much appreciated.
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