had an affair; impotent husband

[movingon45]

Hi,

 

I'm new here, but I've been reading some of the posts and I found them helpful so I registered.

 

Here's my short story: I had a boyfriend in college and we were on an on and off relationship for 3 years because it was just not the right time for us. He was so busy trying to make a name for himself and I was so needy. I met my future husband and we got married after 4 years. I didn't believe in premarital sex so I was a virgin wife. On our first night, nothing happened and I thought this was what I was saving myself for? The third night was better, but just to cut the story short, we had successful sex maybe only for a year. On our second year of marriage, I thought about my ex bf for the first time. I am not really a sexual person, or perhaps I didn't know because I had no experience, but I was unhappy.

 

8 years after getting married, my ex bf saw me at a music store. I didn't recognize him, but when he introduced himself, I felt the sparks and I felt that he was attracted to me, too, so I left the store after a short exchange of awkward hi hello's.

 

8 years after that awkward meeting, we had a grade school reunion (we were classmates) and so we met again. Texts, email, YM, group meetings. I avoided him when we meet in person, but we communicate regularly. Then we fought and had no contact for a few months. But, after 3 years since the reunion, his text became sexual in nature and one thing led to another and we finally had sexual relationship. The sex (after 26 years!) was incredible, but I didn't tell him about my impotent husband because I was the one who dumped him in college and I had my pride.

 

I just really wanted to see what it would be like with him, so I planned it to be once only, but I couldn't resist and so we did it 3 times. During this time, my husband was often out of town for work so we had our chance.

 

So it was on and off (again!) because I tried to stop, but I couldn't. Then, we had a huge fight about miscommunication, and I thought that it was a wake up call, so I ended our short affair of a few months. He has a perfect family and my husband is so good to me except in bed, so there's really no future for us.

 

My problem is: 3 months after our huge fight and I am terribly missing him. Will this get any better? Can I have my cake and eat it, too? The sex which is missing from my marriage is just incredible. No one knew about our affair because we are careful and our partners are not nosy. Actually, it's not just the sex, but we share so many things in common. So compatible, but we just met at the wrong time.

 

Thanks for bearing with me. I desperately want to make contact, but I want to preserve my dignity because I was the one who ended it and I don't want to sound desperate.

[WhatYouWantToHear]

Actually, it's not just the sex, but we share so many things in common

 

I was with you until this line. I believe in such a thing as 'justifiable cheating' and I didn't fault you for seeking physical fulfilment elsewhere because your husband couldn't provide it. But then, with that sentence you admitted this was more than physical. Now you're the bad kind of cheater.

 

I desperately want to make contact, but I want to preserve my dignity

 

Not possible. And the funny thing is you probably don't mean true dignity, you just mean dignity as perceived by the ex-boyfriend. I'm not trying to dump on you, but we can all admit, when you physically cheated you lost some dignity. I'm saying when you started to have feelings for the guy you were having sex with, you lost a lot more. And by continuing this sexual and emotional relationship with him you will have none.

 

Like I said before, there's such a thing as justifiable cheating. If you just want to go out and get banged, I think that's fine since you can't get it in the relationship you are in. Just don't fall in love with the guy attached to the penis.

[movingon45]

Thanks for giving me a different perspective! It really helps to put it out there.

 

Right, I think that I have fallen in love again with my first love!

 

The thing is, I don't think that I can have sex without feelings.

 

I have tried buying a vibrator because my husband can't penetrate, but after doing it with my ex bf, it's just not the same.

 

I fully understand the No Contact rule as I've read in some threads, but can I engage in using him as fantasy as well? This won't probably help me in moving on : (

[WhatYouWantToHear]

but can I engage in using him as fantasy as well?

 

You're talking to a guy who thinks there's such a thing as justifiable cheating---Of course you can engage using him as a fantasy. In your mind that is, not real life.

 

Does your husband use the vibrator on you? Does he use other things that do work on his body on you? Talk with him about your sex and see if it can be improved. And feel free to think of your ex, David Beckham or whomever as your husband stimulates you.

[jwi71]

 

8 years after getting married, my ex bf saw me at a music store. I didn't recognize him, but when he introduced himself, I felt the sparks and I felt that he was attracted to me, too, so I left the store after a short exchange of awkward hi hello's.

 

 

Sigh.

 

You don't love him per se - hell, you didn't even recognize him!

 

You love the ideal of "what could have been" - which is especially powerful given the sexual dysfunction in your M. This is just escapist fantasy on your part.

 

You have a choice. Either take positive steps to IMPROVE your M or take steps to END your M. No one on this Earth faults you for wanting out due to your H's impotence. No one. Cheating, however, is NOT the answer.

 

So pick - and its not about you picking your H or your OM...its about picking staying M or not.

 

Do you believe the impotence issue can be rectified?

Do you believe that your M CAN improve even IF it can be rectified - or is the union past the point of no return now?

 

I wouldn't continue cheating though. Impotence has to be brutal- and then to layer cheating on top of that - those are massive blows to his psyche - and he doesn't deserve that pain.

 

So...what do you think...fight to save or end your M?

[waterwoman]

Have you addressed the impotency issue? That isn't something you should just ignore - for many reasons not least because it might be an indicator of something else.

 

Having an affair seems a rather cruel way to solve this problem if you haven't tried to fix it any othe way.

[Got it]

I was with you until this line. I believe in such a thing as 'justifiable cheating' and I didn't fault you for seeking physical fulfilment elsewhere because your husband couldn't provide it. But then, with that sentence you admitted this was more than physical. Now you're the bad kind of cheater.

 

 

 

Not possible. And the funny thing is you probably don't mean true dignity, you just mean dignity as perceived by the ex-boyfriend. I'm not trying to dump on you, but we can all admit, when you physically cheated you lost some dignity. I'm saying when you started to have feelings for the guy you were having sex with, you lost a lot more. And by continuing this sexual and emotional relationship with him you will have none.

 

Like I said before, there's such a thing as justifiable cheating. If you just want to go out and get banged, I think that's fine since you can't get it in the relationship you are in. Just don't fall in love with the guy attached to the penis.

 

So . . . . her having sex just to have sex, and no emotions involved, has more dignity than having feelings for the person you are sleeping with???

 

This really may be a male/female difference because risking all that just for a detached penis seems . . . I don't know . . . not all that dignified.

[Got it]

Thanks for giving me a different perspective! It really helps to put it out there.

 

Right, I think that I have fallen in love again with my first love!

 

The thing is, I don't think that I can have sex without feelings.

 

I have tried buying a vibrator because my husband can't penetrate, but after doing it with my ex bf, it's just not the same.

 

I fully understand the No Contact rule as I've read in some threads, but can I engage in using him as fantasy as well? This won't probably help me in moving on : (

 

Okay, my thoughts. I left a marriage that was just not sexually satisfying for me. It was "good enough" for years because of other factors weighing heavier but ultimately poor, low frequency sex just wasn't going to work for me forever. I needed a better sex life with my partner and not having it really painted the entire relationship and our connection.

[WhatYouWantToHear]

So . . . . her having sex just to have sex, and no emotions involved, has more dignity than having feelings for the person you are sleeping with???

 

Yes. Remember its a comparative statement: Would you rather have all your loved ones die and get a flat tire or just have all your loved ones die?

[Got it]

If all my loved ones die why would I care about the flat tire? And sure, I would rather have one less hassle but I am really not seeing your point.

 

No, if someone were to cheat on me, damn skippy it better because they have fallen head over heels in love with the person and they can't live without them than they had an itch to scratch and the opportunity arose. The latter is a more worrisome proposition for me than the first.

[nofool4u]

My problem is: 3 months after our huge fight and I am terribly missing him. Will this get any better? Can I have my cake and eat it, too? The sex which is missing from my marriage is just incredible.

 

Did it ever occur to you to support your husband in him getting help? Viagra?

 

Thanks for bearing with me. I desperately want to make contact, but I want to preserve my dignity because I was the one who ended it and I don't want to sound desperate.

 

Thats what you are worried about? Preserving your dignity with the OM and not your husband?

[nofool4u]

Thanks for giving me a different perspective! It really helps to put it out there.

 

Right, I think that I have fallen in love again with my first love!

 

The thing is, I don't think that I can have sex without feelings.

 

Then have you thought about divorcing your husband, regardless of whether you ended up with MM or not?

[stillafool]

Wow! OP I hope you never have a health problem that prevents you from having sex. That is what your husband is dealing with and your solution is to cheat. If you have truly fallen in love with your ex (because of the sex) tell your H the truth and let him help decide what you two should do. It is not fair to keep your H just because he is a good man when you are no longer in love with him. There are too many women out there who would love to have a good man and will work with him on the impotency issue.

[movingon45]

 

Does your husband use the vibrator on you? Does he use other things that do work on his body on you? Talk with him about your sex and see if it can be improved. And feel free to think of your ex, David Beckham or whomever as your husband stimulates you.

 

Yes, my H used the vibrator, but it didn't help. I think the sound is a turn off for me actually. I tried turning the vibrator off, but it didn't work. I'm thinking of getting a dildo instead but I read that it's just a vibrator without the sound.

[movingon45]

Sigh.

 

You don't love him per se - hell, you didn't even recognize him!

 

You love the ideal of "what could have been" - which is especially powerful given the sexual dysfunction in your M. This is just escapist fantasy on your part.

 

 

So...what do you think...fight to save or end your M?

 

I think you're spot on about "what could have been". I loved him, but the time was not right, then I met my husband who I thought was everything he's not. Then, when I met him again after 26 years, he turned out to be what I want.

 

My husband wouldn't want to see a doctor or a counselor so our situation is hopeless. I saw him take Viagra once but it didn't help. He's the type who won't see a doctor! He's also not open to talking about it.

 

My ex bf on the other hand is so open everything. He asks me what I want in bed and then after we meet he asks me how it went and what could be better. He also tells me what he wants.

 

I learned from him, so I'd do the same with my husband, but he's not open to it. He said, why only now? Maybe he has given up. The thing is I was all accepting of the fact that maybe we can have a sexless marriage and that maybe I'm also frigid, until I did it with my ex. Now I find myself masturbating. Yes, I havent tried it until I reached 40 and wondered about my sexuality. I slept with my ex last year at age 44. Maybe I'm also going through midlife crisis wondering if this is what it is. He came at the right time actually.

 

I also thought about ending my marriage. We don't have kids because my husband does not produce sperm. Having no kids makes it easier to end it, but I don't know if I want to be alone. Staying married is convenient. I think that I might just stay married and masturbate and buy a dildo, then use my ex bf as fantasy.

[whichwayisup]

Yes, my H used the vibrator, but it didn't help. I think the sound is a turn off for me actually. I tried turning the vibrator off, but it didn't work. I'm thinking of getting a dildo instead but I read that it's just a vibrator without the sound.

 

Wow..At least he's making the effort and is trying to please you! Yet it's not enough and you still cheat on him! That's just cruel. Sorry to be blunt.

 

Yes BUY a vibe that makes no noise.

 

Your H is reaching out to you, is still "intimate" in other ways.

[whichwayisup]

My ex bf on the other hand is so open everything. He asks me what I want in bed and then after we meet he asks me how it went and what could be better. He also tells me what he wants.

That's because this senario is being played out in an affair bubble! He can do and say anything..He isn't obligated to you and isn't committed to you! There's no bad stuff to deal with, just fun and fantasy, sex and laughter. That's not real life..It's an escape from reality.

[movingon45]

Okay, my thoughts. I left a marriage that was just not sexually satisfying for me. It was "good enough" for years because of other factors weighing heavier but ultimately poor, low frequency sex just wasn't going to work for me forever. I needed a better sex life with my partner and not having it really painted the entire relationship and our connection.

 

Maybe I'm realizing now what's important to me. My ex bf told me that sex is really important in a relationship and that I should fix that in my marriage. He doesn't know that my H is impotent because of my pride in choosing my H over him. I don't even want to discuss my H with him, but my ex bf asks what turns me on and if I come etc with my H. I just end up inventing things, but the truth is I've never come with my H.

[movingon45]

Wow..At least he's making the effort and is trying to please you! Yet it's not enough and you still cheat on him! That's just cruel. Sorry to be blunt.

 

Yes BUY a vibe that makes no noise.

 

Your H is reaching out to you, is still "intimate" in other ways.

 

I bought the vibrator after I had the affair because I didn't want the affair to continue. It was my ex bf who suggested that I show the vibrator to my husband and use it with him. I know now that it's the penetration that I want, so I bought the vibrator. My ex bf just did oral sex and then once penetrated me and I never felt like that before. I thought oh, so this is what it is - what I've been missing, so I bought the toy online.

 

In response to your other post, yes, my ex bf and I agreed that we were just having fun and did what we didn't do before.

[Tenacity]

I was with you until this line. I believe in such a thing as 'justifiable cheating' and I didn't fault you for seeking physical fulfilment elsewhere because your husband couldn't provide it. But then, with that sentence you admitted this was more than physical. Now you're the bad kind of cheater.

 

This is complete and total bullcrap.

 

So it's okay if she seeks sex elsewhere from an H who can't get it up, but not okay if she comes to care for that person in the process? Do you get human nature, at all?

 

Unfreaking believable.

[movingon45]

Have you addressed the impotency issue? That isn't something you should just ignore - for many reasons not least because it might be an indicator of something else.

 

Having an affair seems a rather cruel way to solve this problem if you haven't tried to fix it any othe way.

 

He is diabetic and won't see the doctor for impotence, nor a counselor. I thought that I can survive being in a sexless marriage until I tried it with the ex. My H and I are still intimate without the actual penetration, but now that I have felt how it should feel, I don't want the hug and all that because I'm not fulfilled. I find myself masturbating whenever I get the chance to be alone to complete the act. My ex bf told me that we (my H and I) should just masturbate together, but my H is not into it. He would satisfy himself rubbing into me, but I don't feel anything.

[Tenacity]

Wow..At least he's making the effort and is trying to please you! Yet it's not enough and you still cheat on him! That's just cruel. Sorry to be blunt.

 

Yes BUY a vibe that makes no noise.

 

Your H is reaching out to you, is still "intimate" in other ways.

 

Sorry wwiu, but I could not disagree with this more.

 

I have read the thread and see where nothing was solved regarding the lack of successful intercourse at all. I don't agree that the answer is to buy a vibrator and deal with it. He has issues that can be dealt with medically. We can't know the full story, but that initial story certainly is tough.

 

This is the perfect reason why it's not always appropriate to attack the poster.

[Catplates]

YOu have a gaping wound in your marriage. Do not try to heal it by putting a band aid affair over it.

 

If your husband won't seek help, tell him that you are not satisfied and can't stay with him.

 

Don't attempt to solve it with fantasies of your x because that isn't addressing your issues.

[Catplates]

In medical circles it is well known Viagra may not work in diabetics.

 

He could try an implant.

 

But, I still don't get your story of 26 years with no orgasms and now you have suddenly become very aroused and sexual. Obviously, you were never that aroused before-------- even though you were much younger.

 

Very few women say: "Gee, I am going to have an affair because my H is not into sex". Most of the time the affair is about receiving new attention and making an emotional connection. The sex is a natural byproduct.

 

And now that you have an OM you have focused your attention on the lack of sex and orgasms. Why did you wait for 26 years?

 

I am wondering if this is poster is for real. None of it makes much sense .

[movingon45]

In medical circles it is well known Viagra may not work in diabetics.

 

He could try an implant.

 

But, I still don't get your story of 26 years with no orgasms and now you have suddenly become very aroused and sexual. Obviously, you were never that aroused before-------- even though you were much younger.

 

Very few women say: "Gee, I am going to have an affair because my H is not into sex". Most of the time the affair is about receiving new attention and making an emotional connection. The sex is a natural byproduct.

 

And now that you have an OM you have focused your attention on the lack of sex and orgasms. Why did you wait for 26 years?

 

I didn't know that implants work? I've googled about impotence before.

 

No, I've been married for 19 years and only 1 year with successful erection enough to have sex. The 26 years was counting the years when I had a bf and we had sexual relation. We did it after 26 years and before that I thought that I was just asexual or frigid. That's why I'm really having a difficult time letting go because I felt like I wasted so many years. I also only masturbated 4 years ago.

 

I had an affair because I wanted to see what it would be like doing it with my ex bf - to see what I'm missing. I wouldn't do it just with anybody. My ex bf and I had a connection and of course it all started with texting, not with the proposition to have sex right away.