theLWord Posted January 4, 2013 Posted January 4, 2013 So I'm a lesbian, 25, I was talking to a girl (29) I met on the internet, and we talk on the phone frequently. We live a few states away and we both do like each other a lot, haven't discussed specifics. Just that when the weather gets warmer, she is going to come see me, or vice versa. We haven't met up yet, but tonight on the phone she did tell me she was casually dating other people, which I assumed. Also we've been talking about a month. Anyway, she told me this other girl she was talking to asked her when the last time she had sex was, and she told the girl that she had sex a week ago with a ''friend.'' Then proceeded to tell me that the girl didn't like her answer. I was pretty taken back by the answer myself. I think it's a turn off for me that she is having sex outside of a relationship (not to sound prudish, I've been there and it made me feel bad.) To me it's almost like she doesn't respect herself or her body enough to wait for someone who is serious in a relationship and not just using her. My question is, Do you think it's unhealthy to have casual sex when single and not in a relationship? What would you do if you were in this situation?
sweetkiwi Posted January 4, 2013 Posted January 4, 2013 It really depends on the people. How mature they are. Or how able they are to separate attachment from sex. She's a lesbian. Is her friend a male or female? Why did she feel the need to relay this story??
Author theLWord Posted January 4, 2013 Author Posted January 4, 2013 It really depends on the people. How mature they are. Or how able they are to separate attachment from sex. She's a lesbian. Is her friend a male or female? Why did she feel the need to relay this story?? She's a female as well. Yeah, I'm not sure why she would tell me either. Maybe she was just trying to be honest. Or because it didn't work with the girl she was talking to, she was annoyed by the situation. I feel like her telling me that put me in the friend zone, even if she didn't mean for it to.
sweetkiwi Posted January 4, 2013 Posted January 4, 2013 She's a female as well. Yeah, I'm not sure why she would tell me either. Maybe she was just trying to be honest. Or because it didn't work with the girl she was talking to, she was annoyed by the situation. I feel like her telling me that put me in the friend zone, even if she didn't mean for it to. Yes effectively that's what happened. If I am into someone I wont wait for them to have the exclusivity talk. I will just not hookup with anyone else. She doesn't take this seriously. Is it even a relationship? How old are you girls? 1
SJC2008 Posted January 4, 2013 Posted January 4, 2013 It's a touchy subject because when you aren't exclusive you have not right to tell them they can't sleep with other people. I dated a woman who said she wan'ts to date around and I told her I'm fine with that but if we got to the point of intimacy, that is where I draw the line. Well we had sex on the 5th date and it was too soon ask for exclusive IMO and things got lost in translation and fell apart. I'm not the sleep around type as far as I know but I couldn't get laid in a brothel so mabye I am and don't know it. Anyway if it is a boundary issure then don't be initmate untill you're exclusive! 1
Author theLWord Posted January 4, 2013 Author Posted January 4, 2013 Yes effectively that's what happened. If I am into someone I wont wait for them to have the exclusivity talk. I will just not hookup with anyone else. She doesn't take this seriously. Is it even a relationship? How old are you girls? It's not a relationship, no. Basically we were just getting to know each other, text and phone calls at night. Yeah, that's kinda what I was thinking too. I'm 25, she's 29. I did my share of hookups and it's just a little degrading. I want someone that isn't cool with that anymore. I guess I answered my own question lol. A little sad though! 2
sweetkiwi Posted January 4, 2013 Posted January 4, 2013 It's not a relationship, no. Basically we were just getting to know each other, text and phone calls at night. Yeah, that's kinda what I was thinking too. I'm 25, she's 29. I did my share of hookups and it's just a little degrading. I want someone that isn't cool with that anymore. I guess I answered my own question lol. A little sad though! You know NEVER did that. Especially with someone youre just getting to know. That's relationship conversation, and only If both sides can handle honest answers. Next. 1
suladas Posted January 4, 2013 Posted January 4, 2013 Everyone is different but for me, if i'm going on a date with someone, and I found out they had a FWB or whatever were still having casual sex it would be the last date. I would maybe be ok if it was a one time thing but other then that not a chance. Also i'm rare here but once there is more then a peck on the check, it's exclusive to me. I will NOT date anyone who is going on dates and making out or having sex with someone else. 1
ChessPieceFace Posted January 4, 2013 Posted January 4, 2013 Gotta love it when people reject traditional values then wonder why their relationships don't work.
NoMagicBullet Posted January 4, 2013 Posted January 4, 2013 I'd be worried if the person I was dating professed to be searching for the right person for an exclusive, committed relationship, yet was having casual sex at the same time. If they weren't looking for a serious relationship but just want to have fun, it wouldn't bother me if they were having casual sex -- at least they're goals and actions are consistent. But since I am looking for a serious relationship, I wouldn't date that person.
Ninjainpajamas Posted January 4, 2013 Posted January 4, 2013 Some people handle sex like going down to the gas station and pumping gas...others feel it's only something fit for an ultimate commitment and special person. Everyone else is scattered in between somewhere. You do what's best for you and how you feel, there isn't something you could say to yourself to make you feel differently, don't force yourself to be more casual about casual sex, after all not everyone does it or even enjoys that life style while some people find it very liberating, it's all about perspectives, personal comfort, values, and you should find someone who feels similarly to you about these fundamental things so that you feel more compatible with this person, what you're looking for, and where you are at this stage in your life. If you feel this is something that causes a divide between you two, then it will be a problem. You don't know how this person truly is and how they live their life and this could just be the tip of the iceberg. It could also be something that is not important to you once you communicate how you feel about it and find out if there is some compromise or way of getting on the same page, maybe you are judging too quickly without knowing enough information about it, maybe you're just being insecure because you got burned in the past...but you should ask her about her views on casual sex then express yours...if you ask the right questions and talk about it enough to your content then your gut feeling will tell you what to do...however if you're already past an emotional level with her then it might not really make a damn difference which in that case you're just wasting your own time if you're not going to do anything about it or express it. My personal opinion on those who tend to engage in a lot of casual sex is that they tend to be more commitment phobic or have more difficulty with relationships yet can excel at the dating game, people who tend to come in and out of "romances" more easily while looking for the "right one"...well kind of, they could altogether care less or not even be concerned with that depending on other factors. It can be detrimental to be too comfortably numb with the in between. You are not right or wrong, but If it is important to you, find someone who shares the same values when it comes to sex or intimacy...it makes them a lot easier instead of having to wander if your sex life is just another toss in the bed with someone new for her. 1
musemaj11 Posted January 4, 2013 Posted January 4, 2013 When two lesbians go out, who pays for the date?
Ninjainpajamas Posted January 4, 2013 Posted January 4, 2013 When two lesbians go out, who pays for the date? The one with the shortest hair....obviously. 1
Author theLWord Posted January 4, 2013 Author Posted January 4, 2013 When two lesbians go out, who pays for the date? It just depends who is more eager to pay lol. I've paid before, other times the other girl has paid. I always try to and offer though, but that's because I'm polite. Ninjainpajamas- Lol, that's not always true. I've heard tons of stories from straight friends where the guy doesn't always pay or when the girl insists on paying. It's all different just like dynamics with straight people.
Vercetti Posted January 4, 2013 Posted January 4, 2013 Too much information about someones escapades turns me off. 1
monicaelise Posted January 4, 2013 Posted January 4, 2013 (edited) So I'm a lesbian, 25, I was talking to a girl (29) I met on the internet, and we talk on the phone frequently. We live a few states away and we both do like each other a lot, haven't discussed specifics. Just that when the weather gets warmer, she is going to come see me, or vice versa. We haven't met up yet, but tonight on the phone she did tell me she was casually dating other people, which I assumed. Also we've been talking about a month. Anyway, she told me this other girl she was talking to asked her when the last time she had sex was, and she told the girl that she had sex a week ago with a ''friend.'' Then proceeded to tell me that the girl didn't like her answer. I was pretty taken back by the answer myself. I think it's a turn off for me that she is having sex outside of a relationship (not to sound prudish, I've been there and it made me feel bad.) To me it's almost like she doesn't respect herself or her body enough to wait for someone who is serious in a relationship and not just using her. My question is, Do you think it's unhealthy to have casual sex when single and not in a relationship? What would you do if you were in this situation? How do you know she's being used? Perhaps she just wanted to have sex. And NO, I emphatically do not believe it is unhealthy to have casual sex when single and not in a relationship. I believe this is a whole lot of ridiculous socially-inflicted garbage that most of us cannot see through until we are many, many years past the lie of "good girls don't...." Perfectly healthy, strong, solid women know that sex is what you make it. You don't have to be a psychologically damaged tramp to be comfortable sharing your body with people you may not have a deep emotional connection with. You just need to be comfortable with your body and aware of your own desires. People are quick to assume that a relaxed attitude about sex is some way indicative of some sort of pathology. The fact is, it's just not. It might be in some cases, but there are plenty of reasonably emotionally healthy people who simply take a more rational, detached view of these sorts of interactions and see them for exactly what they are...fun. A woman need not be commitment phobic either to be comfortable with this sort of lifestyle. Some women just don't want to settle down and are happy to just have sex. It isn't necessarily rooted in fear or any other negative mental state. Edited January 4, 2013 by monicaelise
Author theLWord Posted January 4, 2013 Author Posted January 4, 2013 How do you know she's being used? Perhaps she just wanted to have sex. And NO, I emphatically do not believe it is unhealthy to have casual sex when single and not in a relationship. I believe this is a whole lot of ridiculous socially-inflicted garbage that most of us cannot see through until we are many, many years past the lie of "good girls don't...." Perfectly healthy, strong, solid women know that sex is what you make it. You don't have to be a psychologically damaged tramp to be comfortable sharing your body with people you may not have a deep emotional connection with. You just need to be comfortable with your body and aware of your own desires. People are quick to assume that a relaxed attitude about sex is some way indicative of some sort of pathology. The fact is, it's just not. It might be in some cases, but there are plenty of reasonably emotionally healthy people who simply take a more rational, detached view of these sorts of interactions and see them for exactly what they are...fun. A woman need not be commitment phobic either to be comfortable with this sort of lifestyle. Some women just don't want to settle down and are happy to just have sex. It isn't necessarily rooted in fear or any other negative mental state. This makes sense to me too. I guess I'm going to talk to her and just see what happens in the conversation. Thanks for this side, I've always enjoyed your posts!
Recommended Posts