ScienceGal Posted January 4, 2013 Posted January 4, 2013 (edited) We split up last night after about a year together. Long story short, I needed positive changes to happen because I am ready for a serious LTR but he isn't (and I don't have any idea when he will be). Mostly financial constraints, but he also has anxiety/depression issues to deal with and maybe just some life experience in general to gain. It ended calmly but very sadly. We didn't discuss going NC, to me that's a given. But he just emailed me the lyrics to 'Ten' by Jimmy Eat World. It doesn't hold any significance to us. From reading the lyrics, it sounds like he doesn't want me to blame him. I don't know though... not sure why he would send that over an actual message. Being apart tonight has been hard for me, and I'm sure he's struggling too. How often is it that two people who genuinely care for one another break up? I rarely use the term, but this sucks. Also, I didn't write back. Edited January 4, 2013 by ScienceGal 1
Author ScienceGal Posted January 4, 2013 Author Posted January 4, 2013 This morning I got an email apologizing for the previous one. He said he knows I prefer when exes leave me alone, but that last night was rough for him. He has gathered my things and asked if could I do the same for him. He'd like to swap maybe next week and understands if I don't actually want to see him. I hate this
Forever Learning Posted January 4, 2013 Posted January 4, 2013 I know it's hard. Hang in there. I just happened to watch a little video clip of Jennie Garth, she is that blond actress who was in Beverly Hills 90210. She was married to some famous actor that I don't know of because I live under a rock (everyone else probably knows him) for like 15 years and they have 3 kids together. She is around 40, and apparently he has a famous actress girlfriend now who is like 28. She said the break up was hard enough, and I think him getting a younger model (so to speak) probably rubbed salt in the wound, much like how Bruce Willis must have felt after 3 kids and years with Demi Moore, and after breaking up, she got a younger model in Ashton Kutcher. Anyhow, Jennie said even a year later, it still hurts, but her exact quote was that she tries to remember, the hurt goes away a whole bunch after 13 -15 minutes (her words). I thought that was a great piece of insight! Because it's true, that feelings ebb and flow, and come in waves. There is alot to it, the grief process, which is what happens when a relationship ends. Some of it, is chemical, in the brain. The brain chemicals that suddenly shift, upon a break up (for some people so inclined) can trigger depression in some people. Our brains are all built differently. You may have heard me mention I take a low dose of Celexa (anti-depressant, 5 mg) that I started taking this spring. It is wonderful for keeping depression at bay. Daily exercise, vitamins (especially vitamin D, all B vitamins, and Essential Fatty Acid 3/6/9 blend) help. So your question was: "How often is it that two people who genuinely care for one another break up? I rarely use the term, but this sucks." The answer is: all the time. When I was in my 20's, I was in a relationship for 7 years, and we genuinely cared for each other. But it couldn't work out, and one reason was his immaturity. I kept hoping he would grow up, but he didn't. Fast forward 25 years later, and we are still (casual) friends! And, he is still immature. And, we can only be friends, for this reason (and others, but the immaturity has alot to do with it). It is part of who he is. I think you probably made the right decision. Give yourself time to heal and move on, and find someone you click with better. All the best to you.
Author ScienceGal Posted January 4, 2013 Author Posted January 4, 2013 What's funny is I know who Jennie Garth is, but I don't know who she was married to. Hooray for us rock dwellers I'm just tired of being in this place of pain and failure. He would rather stay in his shell than break free and push towards growth and accomplishment, and that is a form of immaturity (not in the offensive sense). For now I get to wallow in the "I hope he decides to change" phase while I think of all the wonderful things we had. But, I replied to his email and agreed to exchange belongings next week. Not sure if I will actually want to see him, probably not. I just keep saying to myself: "you have done all you can, it is out of your control". 1
Emilia Posted January 4, 2013 Posted January 4, 2013 anxiety/depression issues [....] How often is it that two people who genuinely care for one another break up? I rarely use the term, but this sucks. Someone's state of mind can ruin a perfectly good thing and there is nothing you can do about it 1
newmoon Posted January 4, 2013 Posted January 4, 2013 (edited) hi, i am proud of you :-) i am going through a similar break-up and it is very hard for a woman to let a guy go when the only real problem is that he isn't wanting a ltr. the feelings are still there, but the needs are different, which makes it harder, because there is still love, but no hope for the future. my bf and i care for one another a lot, but it's not going anywhere... (like marriage/engagement), and we both have to move on. it's a relaization that you're in love, but not actually a 'match.' it's hard to be strong now, but if life goals are not compatible you do have to move on and find someone interested in commitment. many woman wait years and years - it's actually better to move on sooner than that. try to remain NC and do not respond to texts/email, etc. maybe you can have a friend/family member give him his stuff so you don't have to? that'd be too hard for you right now. good luck, and it does suck, yeah Edited January 4, 2013 by newmoon 1
almosteverythingx Posted January 4, 2013 Posted January 4, 2013 It's funny you say this, I can kinda relate to the whole having a partner who needs to gain more life experience. I don't know if you want this guy back or not? just so I know how to answer...
Author ScienceGal Posted January 4, 2013 Author Posted January 4, 2013 Thank you all for your support. @newmoon, he did want a ltr with me, but isn't in a position to plan anything (finances). He just wanted to "be with me and be happy". We've had some trust issues and a few other things and I was at the point of being more cold/distant than is normal. Real change and strides forward needed to happen in order for me to keep going. He didn't offer any ideas on how to improve his situation or strengthen our relationship, he chose to let me go instead. I think he felt overwhelmed and so did I. @almost, In this moment, of course I want him back. But, I don't see a way to reconcile until he's ready to dig deep and make changes. I don't think that's something that happens overnight. Trying my best to remain neutral, but I'm drifting in and out of the sad/hopeless feeling.
almosteverythingx Posted January 4, 2013 Posted January 4, 2013 Thank you all for your support. @almost, In this moment, of course I want him back. But, I don't see a way to reconcile until he's ready to dig deep and make changes. I don't think that's something that happens overnight. Trying my best to remain neutral, but I'm drifting in and out of the sad/hopeless feeling. Right okay. What you need to do is give him space, as much space as possible. Yes use N/C. Accept the break up, even tell him this. A hungry dog never gets fed. So don't beg, just leave him to have space to miss you and to come to terms with whats happened. This is the only way I think you could get him back. There is of course LOA... 1
Author ScienceGal Posted January 4, 2013 Author Posted January 4, 2013 Oh, I won't beg. We both acknowledge there are problems, so there's nothing to beg about. It's up to him to make changes for himself. I responded to his email abouy exchanging belongings and that will be it. I won't initiate contact ever, but have to admit it is difficult for me not to reply if he writes. I want him to get into a better place, with or without me.
Ruby Slippers Posted January 4, 2013 Posted January 4, 2013 Long story short, I needed positive changes to happen because I am ready for a serious LTR but he isn't (and I don't have any idea when he will be). Mostly financial constraints, but he also has anxiety/depression issues to deal with and maybe just some life experience in general to gain. This is BIG stuff - stuff that will not change quickly. These things are going to take years. How often is it that two people who genuinely care for one another break up? I just broke up with my boyfriend of 6 months, and I know we cared about each other very much. But just that wasn't enough for me. I'm just tired of being in this place of pain and failure. He would rather stay in his shell than break free and push towards growth and accomplishment, and that is a form of immaturity (not in the offensive sense). That's his pain and failure, not yours. You broke up with him to get away from that. Now you have to let him go and do just that. For now I get to wallow in the "I hope he decides to change" phase while I think of all the wonderful things we had. Again, this kind of change takes a long time. He's not going to change in a week, or a month, or probably even a year. I just keep saying to myself: "you have done all you can, it is out of your control". That's right. You ended it for very valid reasons. Now it's time to move on. You said it yourself: Real change and strides forward needed to happen in order for me to keep going. He didn't offer any ideas on how to improve his situation or strengthen our relationship, he chose to let me go instead. That's true of my situation, too. He offered some ideas, but not enough. If he had the desire and the capacity to do what needed to be done, he would have done it. But he didn't. There's your answer. @almost, In this moment, of course I want him back. But, I don't see a way to reconcile until he's ready to dig deep and make changes. I don't think that's something that happens overnight. That's right. And it's very hard to change with someone standing there waiting for you to change. It needs to come from within, without external pressure from a partner. Sometimes you have to lose something to realize that you do need to change.
Author ScienceGal Posted January 4, 2013 Author Posted January 4, 2013 Not that I know anything about it, but Demi totally traded up. Wonder how she felt when he left her... (Team Bruce!)
Author ScienceGal Posted January 4, 2013 Author Posted January 4, 2013 That's true of my situation, too. He offered some ideas, but not enough. If he had the desire and the capacity to do what needed to be done, he would have done it. But he didn't. There's your answer. This. He said he would be more than willing to immediately step it up if we were planning to live together or when marriage and kids came along. I said "If you plan on wanting a wife and kid(s) you have to move your life in that direction. You're going to be 30 this year. You have to build your life so that it's ready to make that kind of transition should it present itself to you" For this moment, I feel neutral and I am grateful for that.
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