Very Limited/Controlled Contact?

[eyeful]

I was just wondering if anyone has ever tried this kind of thing before...?...

 

To initiate (after a break-up), *very* limited and structured contact: no phone calls, text messages, or communication of any kind, except meeting like once every week or a little longer (planned in advance each time), just to keep in touch?

 

It seems like a good intermediary step, after a break-up, on the way to either staying friends, or going full NC.

[Toddbt12y1]

That would all come down to reason for breakup.

Do I want to stay friends?

 

NC, is an end to all. Most people do it to spare their feelings. To resist going back to something bad for them. Usually if you go NC it is for a valid reason...and you don't intend on becoming friends.

 

If you where friends, and they moved on, it would hurt you...may not believe it, but it would(yeah not everyone.)

 

Anyhoo...reasons for breakup, to use this slow method of the eventual.

[FailedFirstLove]

I was just wondering if anyone has ever tried this kind of thing before...?...

 

To initiate (after a break-up), *very* limited and structured contact: no phone calls, text messages, or communication of any kind, except meeting like once every week or a little longer (planned in advance each time), just to keep in touch?

 

It seems like a good intermediary step, after a break-up, on the way to either staying friends, or going full NC.

 

Yeah I'm guilty of that... because in times of anger I would blurt out texts. Then go Nc for a week... But it really goes around in circles. When his ready to talk as friends I'm angry and want to move on. when his angry at me being angry he ignores and no contact once again... I think I need to go Nc. For awhile. Figure out what I want and him as well. Then when I'm sure of it we can talk. Hopefully then time can heal a little so u won't hurt as much. At the beginning you go through emotional roller coasters. So you can't be sure what u really feel and want

[veggirl]

Why in the world would you do that? That sounds pointless and talk about just prolonging the inevitable! A break up isn't something you "ease" into....its a band-aid, you rip it off in one swoop and deal with the immediate pain.

 

Awful, awful idea. Truly a horrible idea. Sorry.

[mike588]

I was just wondering if anyone has ever tried this kind of thing before...?...

 

To initiate (after a break-up), *very* limited and structured contact: no phone calls, text messages, or communication of any kind, except meeting like once every week or a little longer (planned in advance each time), just to keep in touch?

 

It seems like a good intermediary step, after a break-up, on the way to either staying friends, or going full NC.

 

WHAT?? Why in the world would you want to do this? A breakup is a Breakup... meaning it's over!

 

So your thinking about meeting up with the ex. just to keep in touch. How would you feel if he/she told you about their dating experiences or their new boyfriend/girlfriend...how would that make you feel if your still emotionally attached as you are!!!..???

 

No.. bad idea all the way. You can't heal/get over that person if you meet them just to "stay in touch"

 

I've become friends with a few exs. but that was years down the road after I was COMPLETELY over that person.

[eyeful]

Goodness, I am surprised you think it's *such* a bad idea. We are best friends (I have very few other friends that I am in touch with). Is it worth losing the friendship too? Yes, I am hurt and pissed that she doesn't want me as a lover (to the point where I am really shocked, overcome, sometimes in denial, in almost constant pain, and having to pull myself up by my bootstraps several times a day)...but part of me feels that I can find some way to relieve the pain that isn't the very extreme, sudden, stabbing pain of no-contact. This was a relationship where we spent almost all of our time together...so a short meeting once every week or two is a much smaller percentage, and clearly there would be no intimacy (unless we both decided to get back together, which I don't think will happen).

 

As for the new boyfriend/girlfriend...neither of us wants to see other people...I don't think it will happen on her end for a very long time. By then, I will want to be out of touch. My perception is that it wasn't a bad situation...she was scared into a break up due to some sudden changes and rough patches. I have a week until we talk again...why is that such a bad thing?

 

It's probably all a moot point anyway. I think she plans to definitely break up, for good, and she's stubborn about that. She claims that she would be 'devastated' if we couldn't stay friends, but I think that's bullsh*t. If that were the case, she'd be willing to keep the friendship *and* the romance together. I don't know what's going through her head. In the off chance that she is just *very* confused, I want to at least give her the time to figure some stuff out, while not feeling pressured by me.

 

It doesn't sound like such a stupid idea to me...

[todreaminblue]

I was just wondering if anyone has ever tried this kind of thing before...?...

 

To initiate (after a break-up), *very* limited and structured contact: no phone calls, text messages, or communication of any kind, except meeting like once every week or a little longer (planned in advance each time), just to keep in touch?

 

It seems like a good intermediary step, after a break-up, on the way to either staying friends, or going full NC.

 

 

I am into structure , keeps my feet on the ground, i do limited contact with my ex, he just called em actually he was at his mums and i haven't spoken to her for ages....am calling her back later for a roti recipe she makes the best roti...im going indian this weekend for a dinner...yay..sorry tangent..

 

 

 

i think no contact is best utilised when you want to move on or have to move on....i went six months without contacting my ex, he contacted me first after our break up because once i do decide no contact its normally final...unless that person contacts me.....we have limited contact now, phone contact only and i control it in the sense i dont want to see him in person, we have children anythign else is unacceptable...if i were to ebgin a new relationship i would notify my new partner of the situation and the new partner wouldnt have to worry as i would be honest.....i hav ehardly ever gone no contact with people only when it was inevitable.......and it needed to happen ...fro them ...or for me......limited contact needs to have firm boundaries or it wont work....someone will get hurt and it is the one who feels more ...that will be the hurt individuals cross to bear.....deb

[Simon Phoenix]

This idea is bad idea jeans. It really sucks. Not as bad as the guy who is having unprotected sex with his ex to try to make her pregnant to keep her around in his life, but bad nonetheless.

 

It's great that you were friends. But once you become lovers, you can't just transition into being friends right away. You need time to step back, reset, work through the feelings that are brewing around before you do that. This idea really sucks, sorry.

[eyeful]

Well, I think it sounds like an okay idea. It definitely sounds extreme to me to go from seeing each other all the time to not at all. If you guys end up being right later on, I will definitely let you know. I think it's important to take into account that this isn't a "normal" relationship or break-up.

 

I want to clarify: we weren't friends first, not really. We became friends in parallel to becoming lovers. I told her early on (probably while drunk) that I would stay her friend no matter what happened. She freaked out at me a couple times because she (I think) values friendship so highly (swearing at me, saying 'you promised you would be my friend', when I threatened to break all contact).

 

Part of the problem is that we love each other very much. I believe we are still *in love* (both of us would, I think, agree). She just can't deal with the 'personality incompatabilities'. If that's really the case, then I don't think we can be friends either. There's a bunch of stuff that needs to be settled, but time passes so slowly, and it seems like we both need to chill out after our most recent conflicts (neither of us is emotionally stable).

 

I think having a bit of (limited, planned) time once a week sounds fair, for the time being. If the romantic stuff *truly* falls through, I will probably want to make that time less and less. If it seems like we are leaning back towards a relationship, I will ask if she wants to take it slowly (the less likely outcome).

 

Anyway, thanks for the advice.

[todreaminblue]

Well, I think it sounds like an okay idea. It definitely sounds extreme to me to go from seeing each other all the time to not at all. If you guys end up being right later on, I will definitely let you know. I think it's important to take into account that this isn't a "normal" relationship or break-up.

 

I want to clarify: we weren't friends first, not really. We became friends in parallel to becoming lovers. I told her early on (probably while drunk) that I would stay her friend no matter what happened. She freaked out at me a couple times because she (I think) values friendship so highly (swearing at me, saying 'you promised you would be my friend', when I threatened to break all contact).

 

Part of the problem is that we love each other very much. I believe we are still *in love* (both of us would, I think, agree). She just can't deal with the 'personality incompatabilities'. If that's really the case, then I don't think we can be friends either. There's a bunch of stuff that needs to be settled, but time passes so slowly, and it seems like we both need to chill out after our most recent conflicts (neither of us is emotionally stable).

 

I think having a bit of (limited, planned) time once a week sounds fair, for the time being. If the romantic stuff *truly* falls through, I will probably want to make that time less and less. If it seems like we are leaning back towards a relationship, I will ask if she wants to take it slowly (the less likely outcome).

 

Anyway, thanks for the advice.

 

 

Good luck eyeful, I am unique when it comes to relationships in that most peopel who have a relationship with me end up lifers,i dont stay mad at people and people cant stay mad at me and seem to want me in their life, including exes parents, bonds i have are really hard to break i dotn particularly want to break them either.......i understand the friendship thing, friendships go way beyond romantic interest that is why i believe best friends should be the partner you are with.......they are yrou best friend lover, sounding board, confidant and ultimate secret keeper they always have your best interest at heart and they love you like no one else understands how to....why i get so pissed at the friendzone thing...smilin.when things go to crap and in life they often do if your partner is standing beside you you know you will eb ok...your best friend is there right next to you..so i hope all in all things work out with you and your friendship status, maybe you freaked her so badly because a best friend is who she believes her partner should be.best friends dont get going when the rough gets tougher they go down with the ship......i wish you well.....deb

[Simon Phoenix]

Well, I think it sounds like an okay idea. It definitely sounds extreme to me to go from seeing each other all the time to not at all. If you guys end up being right later on, I will definitely let you know. I think it's important to take into account that this isn't a "normal" relationship or break-up.

 

I want to clarify: we weren't friends first, not really. We became friends in parallel to becoming lovers. I told her early on (probably while drunk) that I would stay her friend no matter what happened. She freaked out at me a couple times because she (I think) values friendship so highly (swearing at me, saying 'you promised you would be my friend', when I threatened to break all contact).

 

Part of the problem is that we love each other very much. I believe we are still *in love* (both of us would, I think, agree). She just can't deal with the 'personality incompatabilities'. If that's really the case, then I don't think we can be friends either. There's a bunch of stuff that needs to be settled, but time passes so slowly, and it seems like we both need to chill out after our most recent conflicts (neither of us is emotionally stable).

 

I think having a bit of (limited, planned) time once a week sounds fair, for the time being. If the romantic stuff *truly* falls through, I will probably want to make that time less and less. If it seems like we are leaning back towards a relationship, I will ask if she wants to take it slowly (the less likely outcome).

 

Anyway, thanks for the advice.

 

Still think this is a really dreadful idea, but obviously you have your mind set on doing this, which I'm wondering why you started a thread on it when you were just going to go with what you wanted to do anyway. But best of luck.

[Allumere]

I am not a hardcore NC subscriber but since this is so new to each of you and you obviously have some strong emotions over the breakup (which is normal even when breakups are mutual) you may want to not see each other for awhile and then agree to meet or talk over the phone. You both need to move on from the relationship you had...its DEAD...and thats hard to do with the approach you have subscribed. You both need to focus on yourselves first. When you are in contact, it needs to be positive and not the beating of any dead horses. Simply friends checking in from time to time....if you can manage this then you will be on your way to rebuilding your friendship. The big question is when she does meet someone, and assuming you haven'y, will you genuinely be happy for her or will there be some hurt....if its the second option you have a lot of work to do. I don't believe in throwing people away and I think some form a friendship can certainly be maintained but its takes work, both parties have to be willing and you must understand it will never be like it was.

[veggirl]

eyeful, is this your first real break up? See, the problem is when you thinks this will happen:

 

but part of me feels that I can find some way to relieve the pain that isn't the very extreme, sudden, stabbing pain of no-contact.

 

Is not realistic. What will actually happen is you will relive the extreme, sudden, stabbing pain every time you leave a meeting with her. You will slightly heel in between each meeting, and then be shot back to square one when you head home.

 

As for the new boyfriend/girlfriend...neither of us wants to see other people...I don't think it will happen on her end for a very long time. By then, I will want to be out of touch.

 

How do you figure you will be out of touch? You have no idea when she will date again, the truth is many dumpers end up with someone new quite quickly, despite their assurances that there is no one else and they can't even fathom dating someone else.

 

Well, I think it sounds like an okay idea. It definitely sounds extreme to me to go from seeing each other all the time to not at all. If you guys end up being right later on, I will definitely let you know. I think it's important to take into account that this isn't a "normal" relationship or break-up.

 

I guess I'm not sure why you think your break up is not normal? It sounds pretty typical...

 

Well good luck, I suppose give one meeting a go and see how you feel after.

[Treasa]

As for the new boyfriend/girlfriend...neither of us wants to see other people...I don't think it will happen on her end for a very long time.

 

Let me correct this for you: She doesn't want to see other people right at this moment (assuming she's being completely honest). However, that could change at any moment, and then you'll be the "friend" she gushes about her new guy to.

 

Not worth it to me.

[almosteverythingx]

I'm going to have to definitely agree with Treasa. If you don't ever even want this person back, I'm afraid you still have to move on anyway. Because the relationship you had before died the moment you broke up. You would have to start a complete fresh so right now, please have no contact, drop at the face of the Earth. Have a great time, be sure to upload photos on social networking sites where they may see photos, so they know you are okay without them. Focus on YOU. More chance of them running back then meeting up and getting in the friend zone.

[eyeful]

My comments:

 

Not my first real break-up...my second. The other one, I was the breaker-upper, but I back-pedalled after a while and tried to get her back, but she had move on already, so I still suffered quite a bit.

 

I think it's important to realize that I am considering this current plan as an *alternative* to what my ex is has been practicing...she would like to check in everyday (going out of our way at work to say hi, hug, etc.; she always wants a hug), then usually some text or phone as well...so basically, going a week with no contact is a big step. I can't imagine how painful full NC would be for me at this point.

 

I have to just take her word for it that she won't be dating anyone. I really believe it's true; she isn't interested and doesn't plan to be. Her reasons for breaking were not to be single and meet someone else, but to be alone/indepentent. i can't assume that it will be like the 'common' situation, where a broken-couple move on quickly to new people.

 

Our break-up is different due to the individuals involved, and the nature of the relationship. It just hasn't been a conventional one, so I don't see why the break-up would be either. I am also going by her words, and I have to at least truest her to *some* degree. Then again, she did make many false promises when we were together.

 

I am pretty disappointed by the judgment of seeing the relationship as DEAD. This idea is preached all over the place, and I think it's wrong. It's perfectly reasonable that people get back together, even if it's in the statistical minority. I don't want to jump to any conclusions and close out any options. Yes, I will probably want to get back together, there were very strong feelings. This is the only serious relationship she has had, and I think there is an alright chance that, if I play my cards right, she *might* want to get back together.

 

If it turns out that's false, I will maybe cut her out completely, not sure. But you have to understand, this is my best, and one of my only friends right now. I dunno, it just seems like a waste to throw it all away. All this stuff about having a great time is just absurd. I can barely hold myself together on a day-to-day basis. My life took a turn for a worse recently, and the break-up is just adding insult to injury. It just doesn't work that way for my situation, I'm very depressed. I seem to have crying spells every few days, where I feel serious grief over what has happened, and go through vivid memories of when everything seemed bright and hopeful for us. I remember almost every conversation, so there is a lot to digest. For a while, I went through every email and chat conversation that was saved...

 

This is going to take time to move on from, and trust me, going NC now would be very painful. I could see it working in the near future. In the meantime, I am going to try this method of meeting here and there...it's practically NC, what's the difference anyway...I am not interested in moving on to other people, and neither is she. Yes, there are strong feelings of love and attraction still, so why not talk those over and sort out what's really going on? Of course, I don't want to get in an argument, so I think that talking every now and then could maybe work to get to the bottom of some of this.

 

Please, no more comments about how the relationship/friendship is doomed...it's just not the case, fate isn't laid out that way (imo). So, please give only constructive advice, if you are going to respond. Life is hard enough for me as it is, without people making prescriptive judgements online that frame my situation as one that can't work without me having to start a whole new life. Well, I might not post anymore on here for that reason, the advice seems too biased towards fatalism and ending beautiful relationships altogether when something goes wrong. Thank you.

[Simon Phoenix]

Wow, dude, just wow. I'm sorry we aren't telling you what you want to hear, but you need a different perspective, because you are knee deep in denial right now. To start, your relationship is dead. She ended it. So stop acting like it's an active thing, it's not. Right now you are acting like you are still together, but you aren't. If you were, you never would have posted here.

 

You could get back together with your ex, it does happen, but for that to work effectively, it has to be a new, improved relationship. To do that, it's best to take time off to let the emotions of the breakup die down and you can make improvements, be it mentally or physically. There's no such thing as practical NC. It's either you are NC or you aren't. She wants to be in contact with you because she wants to use you to get over you. She wants to have her cake and eat it too. NC is painful, but most things worth doing are difficult in nature. If it was supposed to be easy, forums like this wouldn't exist.

 

Your situation is not unique. The only thing less unique than your situation is your insistence that it is unique. And if it was such a "beautiful" relationship it wouldn't have broken in any way. Something was flawed and if you are serious in fixing those flaws, you should take the advice on here seriously from people who have been in your situation and made your mistakes seriously instead of whining and crying because they don't agree with your flawed methodology. It may seem "unconstructive", but the advice on here is to help. If you want people to agree with your unfortunate method, than this isn't the place to go to. Maybe talk to a wall -- it won't talk back.

 

But anyway, if you want to "play your cards right", then listen to the advice instead of acting dismissive and pissy. Right now you have a 3-10 offsuit and you are planning to go all in.

Edited January 4, 2013 by Simon Phoenix

[veggirl]

eyeful, sorry to hear about how you are feeling, it's obviously very normal to feel the way you do.

 

Perhaps we don't understand the "unique"ness of your relationship because you haven't shared any of that. ALL relationships are, in part, unique...but from what you've written it sounds like there was some personal problem or struggle that your gf went through and now wants to be alone to "deal with it"...GIGS perhaps? the thing is usually people want the one they are closest to by their side during tough times...just curious as to why she doesn't.

 

Your ex wanting to check in every day and get hugs and stuff is really actually pretty mean and selfish of her considering she broke up with you and broke your heart.

 

In your other thread you said she broke up with you over the course of months. So she obviously knows this is what she wants. You said that the friendship without romance is agony, so why put yourself through that. You said she excludes you from her social events that she goes to with new friends. She is just using you, I'm sorry...using you to ease her pain while she creates a new life without you...thats what it sounds like from your posts.

 

Your best bet if you want her back is to cut her off. seriously. right now she is getting basically everything she wants...the check ins and whatnot...those are for her benefit, not yours.

Edited January 4, 2013 by veggirl

[almosteverythingx]

Wow, dude, just wow. I'm sorry we aren't telling you what you want to hear, but you need a different perspective, because you are knee deep in denial right now. To start, your relationship is dead. She ended it. So stop acting like it's an active thing, it's not. Right now you are acting like you are still together, but you aren't. If you were, you never would have posted here.

 

You could get back together with your ex, it does happen, but for that to work effectively, it has to be a new, improved relationship. To do that, it's best to take time off to let the emotions of the breakup die down and you can make improvements, be it mentally or physically. There's no such thing as practical NC. It's either you are NC or you aren't. She wants to be in contact with you because she wants to use you to get over you. She wants to have her cake and eat it too. NC is painful, but most things worth doing are difficult in nature. If it was supposed to be easy, forums like this wouldn't exist.

 

Your situation is not unique. The only thing less unique than your situation is your insistence that it is unique. And if it was such a "beautiful" relationship it wouldn't have broken in any way. Something was flawed and if you are serious in fixing those flaws, you should take the advice on here seriously from people who have been in your situation and made your mistakes seriously instead of whining and crying because they don't agree with your flawed methodology. It may seem "unconstructive", but the advice on here is to help. If you want people to agree with your unfortunate method, than this isn't the place to go to. Maybe talk to a wall -- it won't talk back.

 

But anyway, if you want to "play your cards right", then listen to the advice instead of acting dismissive and pissy. Right now you have a 3-10 offsuit and you are planning to go all in.

 

Couldn't agree more! Sorry but we can't tell you what you want to hear because if we did we would be making your situation a million times worse. Do you really think we don't grieve? You need to get all of this out of your system and then ENJOY YOURSELF. I'm sure your ex is. Oh and don't let your ex 'get what they need' from you by texting her back. Trust me it is only beneficial to them. You need to make new friends if you are relying on them for a friendship. How are you supposed to be friends with someone you feel strongly about? Especially when they meet someone else.

[almosteverythingx]

As for the new boyfriend/girlfriend...neither of us wants to see other people...I don't think it will happen on her end for a very long time.

 

.

 

Sorry this sentence is something I haven't commented on. At the moment you're been quite deluded, Please don't take offence because trust me two week ago I was just like you...

They may tell you they don't want to 'for a long time' but if the right person comes along trust me they will snap them up. If not they may as well still be with you and work on things if their so unready to meet other people and are so 'in love' with you.

 

I think you really need to think about whats going on. I mean this because I do care, It's an awful situation and thats why we are trying to help. I don't know if your ready for asking on forums for help yet because whatever we say you don't want to hear yet. Give it time.