JXR2013 Posted January 3, 2013 Posted January 3, 2013 Hey everyone. I'll try to keep this brief, if that's possible. So I messed up, pretty bad. My girl and I were together for a little over three months, and everything was going really well. We both always had great conversations and experiences, and we were really happy with each other. We both adored each other, and we showed it. I started going through some issues internally, and so I would get mad easily. Since I was very busy with work, I made sure to dedicate any time I had to my girl, but she would never take advantage of this, and we began having communication issues. When we did actually talk on the phone, she would either a) fall asleep on me or b) she would be texting someone every 15 seconds, which made it difficult to have a conversation. So, eventually I brought up the communication issues with her, it led to an argument, we both got upset and out of anger, I called the relationship off and broke up with her. Biggest mistake of my life. Since then, I apologized, and told her how I felt. We started texting as friends, and the other night we talked on the phone. It was a fun, simple conversation, but she brought up the fact that she might consider dating someone in the future, and she started texting again. I told her I needed to get some sleep, and I cut the convo short. Eventually, she called me back that night, and I ended up asking her to forgive me and take me back. She said no, that she should go her way, and I should go my way. I was hurt, upset, confused, lost, and I told her "You're right, it is done. I'll go my way without a word." She sensed I was mad and knew I was serious, and I hung up. Next thing you know, as I'm finally taking steps to move on she starts calling NON-STOP. She called me about 10 times, and as much as I wanted to pick up, I decided I would move on and I called my cell phone service and changed my number that night. So, then she found my house number, kept calling, and eventually I picked up. She said if I was angry, she said she was sorry, she said she's so scared of being alone, that I'm the only one who's been there for her, and it's true (we've both been here for each other at critical times in our lives even though it's only been 3 months). She asked me why I wanted her, and I told her why I wanted her and only her. She's the best thing that ever happened to me, and I couldn't see myself with anyone else. She asked me if I would just sleep with her on the phone, it didn't have to mean anything, and that I could do whatever I want in the morning. So I decided to prove to her that I could be in control of my emotions. As much as I was angry, sad, confused, I put that all aside, and said yes and I stood by her side that night. The next day I called her, and she cut the conversation short saying that something happened and she couldn't talk, so we should talk later. I've been stuck ever since, and I haven't called her. As the dumper, I'm not sure what to do. If I should contact her, or try NC. And if I do contact, what I should say. I've been working on myself lately, working out, going to counseling, hanging with friends, making changes, but I need some help here. I want this girl back, and I'm willing to do whatever it takes. This is probably my last chance of getting her back into my life and making things right.
othersideofthepillow Posted January 4, 2013 Posted January 4, 2013 Short and simple...you have only been together 3 months. Nothing in the grand sceme of things. If she wont take you back after your apology than seriously move one. Also, you being there for her that night was letting her have her cake and eat it too. You need to just stop all communication.
AshleyBT Posted January 4, 2013 Posted January 4, 2013 Sorry to hear this has happened to you. It looks to me that thing's were great in the begining, but then somewhere on the way, things got messed up. I think if you knew you were having issues, you should have stopped for a second, and ask to yourself if you were really ready for a relationship or not. Maybe at that time, working and having a gf just wasn't helping you, and that's what caused you to snap. It seems your ex could have been busy too, giving the communication issue. I'm having the same problem with my ex, and it's aggravating, believe me. It's always good to talk about things like this, before it gets real ugly. You say she kept falling asleep on you, and texting someone else. Do you think it was because she was getting bored? that could have been it. I'll tell you from experience that I have done this to a guy friend that was interested in me, and I couldn't go a second without doing something else. Were you the one who started the argument? or was it the other way around? Maybe what you were saying to her, got her offensive. Don't beat yourself up over this, it happens. Sometimes we say things we don't mean. It's good that you started talking as friends. Maybe when she told you she might start dating in the future, it was that person she was texting (if I discouraged you by that comment, I don't mean to). Asking her to take you back, for a time since you've broken up, might have been a mistake. By doing that, you've probably made her think it was for the best. You shouldn't have cut the convo in anger and should have politley declined. Sure enough, by the time you started taking that big step, that made her rethink her situation, that's why she probably called you non stop, to fix things. If you two truly think you guys are right for each other, I suggest taking it slow and see where it leads, you don't want to jump back into to it too early. See if she really meant what she said, test her. Since it is clear you want her back, I think you should at least try, don't use no contact, as that might give her the indication you have moved on. Don't give up.
Author JXR2013 Posted January 4, 2013 Author Posted January 4, 2013 Thanks for the reply. Appreciate the advice. I agree. I stopped communication, and I plan to move on. But there are 3 things that are pulling me to contact her. 1) She said she hasn't moved on, and would maybe "go with the flow" with things 2) Even though she considered dating, she said she wasn't really interested 3) She's going through a tough time right now, and if I disappeared from her life, instead of being persistent in trying to get her back or being there for her as a friend, she may think I don't care, and I don't want her at all Now, my question is should I try Limited Contact to make sure she's okay and prove to her that I can be there for her and be the man she wants? Maybe try LC for a few months, go with the flow, and see if there's anything still there. or Should I stop all communication period? Second question. if I go NC, should I respond if she does contact me? If so, what should I expect and say to her at this point?
AshleyBT Posted January 4, 2013 Posted January 4, 2013 Ok, so you are moving on? If that's the case, you should try just being her friend. I don't think you should leave her alone if she's having a bad time. As you help her through this, try to slowly wing yourself off emotionally from her. You should try limited contact. That will help both of you. This girl may not like it, but it will help her. If you plan on going no contact completley, and that's something you really want, you shouldn't respond.
Author JXR2013 Posted January 4, 2013 Author Posted January 4, 2013 Regards to your previous post, we had great conversations, but I guess the communication just stopped. I don't think she was bored because I always did my best to make her laugh and keep the convo going. I wanted us to communicate with each other like we used to with our "honesty circles", but the communication just stopped until things finally blew up. As much as I try not to beat myself up over this, it just kills me that I could lose the most important girl in my life right now, the most amazing girl in this world. I don't want to move on, but after apologizing and asking her to take me back, I'm not sure what else to do. I also don't want to wait a year to realize I was wrong by not contacting her. I put myself in her shoes, and I realize I messed up. Now I want to make things right while the door is still open. I adore this girl so much, I'm willing to be her friend even if it's going to be painful. I'm the one who hurt her, and if I have to live my life with a little hurt to make her happy, then I'll do it. I'll go through hell and back for this girl. This isn't just another relationship. This is THE relationship. The woman I want to grow old with, as friends or lovers. I just want her in my life, and I feel that she wants me in hers, but I'm not sure what the next move should be. Yeah I can choose to man up, stop communication, and move on, or I can choose to man up in a different way and deal with the consequences of my stupid decision. Do you think I should reach out to her or wait for her to contact me and try to be friends with limited contact?
AshleyBT Posted January 4, 2013 Posted January 4, 2013 Well that's good that you had great conversations. I just thought that was it because of the way she was acting. What are honesty circles? just curious. Right now, I think you just need to remain calm and relax. I think for now you should just focus on being happy, even if it's without her for awhile. I know it hurts, even if your the one who dumped her. It seems to me like your in between on what to do, let it come to you naturally, it will take time. Yes, I do think you should take the chance to fix things while the door is still open, anything can happen. I'm glad your seeing things through both perspectives on this, willing to be her friend only, not many would do that. You shouldn't hurt over this the whole time, it's not healthy. I can tell you really like this girl, but are you sure it's not just infatuation? I mean, you've only known each other for 3 months. You havn't even begun to know what your relationship is capable of. Have you dated other people before her? This can help shed light. I know how you feel. I'm going through some similar things. I too, see my relationship as THE relationship and see him as someone I want to spend my life with. But another thing is, you don't always get what you want, and that's another thing to consider. You should wait for her to contact you. In the end, your the only one who can decide all this. Good luck
Author JXR2013 Posted January 4, 2013 Author Posted January 4, 2013 Yeah, I've been focusing on being happy, and for the most part, I'm happy with my life. I have a great new job opportunity, and things are going well. "Honesty circles" were our cute little way to communicate exactly what was going wrong at a certain time, be honest about things without getting mad at each other, and move forward with our relationship. It was a time we set up for each other to be open in the relationship without being emotional. And 100% of the time, it worked, but when there was no circle or communication, it made it harder to resolve issues. It's not infatuation. I can live without her. I know I can move on. I've moved on from other relationships before. But being in a situation where I actually have a choice is the hard part. If I had no choice and she wanted to be left alone, I would move on. I've known her for about two years going on three years. We didn't rush into this relationship, and we were really really good friends before, which is why I think I could live with being her friend long-term even if it might be difficult short-term. My relationship before her was almost four years ago, so it's been a while since I've been in a relationship, and this is her first real relationship. She's 19, and I'm 23, so I'm a little older but we're both young. But I think you're right. I'll wait for her to contact me and just go with the flow from there. I think this is a good forum to vent and get advice, so thanks everyone. It's good to have different perspectives. Wish you luck as well.
AshleyBT Posted January 4, 2013 Posted January 4, 2013 That's fantastic to know. Why did you stop the circle? Ok, just making sure. Like I said before, it's going to take time before you eventually make a choice. Knowing someone for almost 3 years is a long time, I'm glad you knew her before that. It's good that you didn't rush into things. If this is the girl's first real relationship, then she might not know what she wants. I wish you the best.
Treasa Posted January 4, 2013 Posted January 4, 2013 I want this girl back, and I'm willing to do whatever it takes. This is probably my last chance of getting her back into my life and making things right. Including losing all of your dignity and self-respect? Dude, this girl is using you as her emotional tampon. You're convenient and there where she's lonely (OMG, I would never freaking fall asleep on the phone with someone - I would tell them to get a teddy bear), she bombards you with calls which shows she has no respect for boundaries, and you keep taking it. And she KNOWS you'll keep taking it. She could be sleeping with another guy, but if she's lonely, she knows where her security blanket it. Doesn't that disgust you?
Author JXR2013 Posted January 5, 2013 Author Posted January 5, 2013 She called me, and we started talking again. If she's going through a tough time, and I'm not there for her, then someone else will be. I decided to go NC, and wait for her, and she contacted me. We're taking things slow, and I'm fine with that. What do you suggest I do now that we're already talking? I didn't know that being there for someone you love was classified nowadays as being an emotional tampon.
Treasa Posted January 5, 2013 Posted January 5, 2013 Someone you love and are with, sure. But someone who only is in contact with you when it's convenient for her? That isn't love, dude. But go ahead and keep being there for her. I'm sure it will all work out and you two will be happily together again soon.
Author JXR2013 Posted January 5, 2013 Author Posted January 5, 2013 What would you suggest I do in this situation from your perspective? Cease all communication with her and break off all emotional support? As much as I'm open to doing this, I also risk hurting her again, and starting the whole process of reconciliation all over. Or should I just cut off contact until she's willing to forgive and take me back? I'm open to hearing different perspectives on this. Thanks.
Author JXR2013 Posted January 6, 2013 Author Posted January 6, 2013 So, she's been texting and calling me today. I haven't replied, and I've been keeping busy. When should I start replying to her again?
Recommended Posts