Family after an affair.

January 3, 2013

I'm not sure if this is the correct fplace to post but I am sure somebody will let me know.

5 days ago I received a text from my 44 year old daughter to say she had been having an affair. Her husband had found out and all hell had broken loose. She asked me not to contact her or the house

She said she would let me know when she is ready to talk.

It has been a gigantic shock to me. I have nobody to talk to as I wouldn't want to betray her troubles to my friends.

I have been crying and desperately worried about them and also my 16 year old grandson. It seems I have been left no avenue of contact at all as she has asked me not to talk to any of them.

What to do?? It is so hard to just sit and wait to hear from her.

Cat

January 3, 2013

Thanks LG. I am torn two ways. Preey shaken by the whole thing, but especially by her refusing to talk to me.

I am left wondering just how murky all this is.

Cat

January 3, 2013

I'd call!

Ask what her plan is and encourage her to seek help.

She owes you some peace of mind - it was completely rude of her to tell you to stay silent in a time of crisis.

January 3, 2013

Thanks LG. I am torn two ways. Preey shaken by the whole thing, but especially by her refusing to talk to me.

Perhaps he told her that if, in addition to being cheated on, she decides to get someone to help gang up on him or advise her as the cheater, that he'd just file for divorce.

January 4, 2013

Perhaps he told her that if, in addition to being cheated on, she decides to get someone to help gang up on him or advise her as the cheater, that he'd just file for divorce.

I have no intention of "ganging up" on my son in law or advising my daughter. They need somebody professional to help them.

I am dreadfully concerned about my 16 year old grandson and how he's coping with all this.

Yes, I agree that it's extremely rude of her, after all she dropped a bomb on me then told me to stay away from them.

January 4, 2013

Gently, if I remember correctly - you were involved with a MM, right ?

Does your son in law know this?

I can imagine that in the trauma of betrayal, I would probably lash out at a person I knew had participated in the kind of relationship that causede so much pain.

He might view you as an enabler.

I'm not saying it's right. I am just wondering if that is a possibility ?

January 4, 2013

I'm not sure if this is the correct fplace to post but I am sure somebody will let me know.

5 days ago I received a text from my 44 year old daughter to say she had been having an affair. Her husband had found out and all hell had broken loose. She asked me not to contact her or the house

She said she would let me know when she is ready to talk.

It has been a gigantic shock to me. I have nobody to talk to as I wouldn't want to betray her troubles to my friends.

I have been crying and desperately worried about them and also my 16 year old grandson. It seems I have been left no avenue of contact at all as she has asked me not to talk to any of them.

What to do?? It is so hard to just sit and wait to hear from her.

Cat

She made a request of you which you are under no obligation to honour. She cannot prevent you contacting people who are also your family.

If you have any sort of a functional relationship with your grandson and son-in-law, then I would advise you contact them immediately to let them know you will support them all in this time of crisis. This is not the time to take sides, especially if you don't have all the facts but it is the time to offer support.

Sadly, because of your daughter's actions, there is likely to be some damage to your relationship with your daughter, grandson and son-in-law. It's probably out of your control but you can try to minimize damage.

This is just my advice and may not be appropriate if you have a strained relationship with the people concerned.

January 4, 2013

I don't know why she would tell you and then ask you to back off and not call. She should have just not said a word about it, period!

One train of thought..Just because they've had a d-day doesn't mean your grandson knows what happened. Hope that eases your mind a bit.

Respect her decision for now..Maybe in a week call her and just let her know that you love her and if she needs to talk, you're there for support, hugs, and to listen, no judgements and whatever happens, you'll have her back.

January 4, 2013

Is it me?

I LOVE my daughter, my grandson and my SIL!

I'd be marching over there, NOT to interfere but to aid the people I love who are in crisis.

she assumes you will take her side and he does too! your grandson MAY not know, but he sure knows something big is up with mom and dad.

pack your bags and get over there. The need neutral support, kindness, and love.

IMO, do not listen to her. Go be a mother, MIL, and grandmother to three people you love who may all be in a state of panic, confusion and pain.

January 4, 2013

Thanks for all your repsonses. It's food for thought, but I know only the bare bones of the matter....

My grandson might not have been told.

She has since sent me a text to say she will come and spend the night with me on Sunday and Monday . She said they wanted to sort things out a bit before she talked to me.

CAt

January 4, 2013

Gently, if I remember correctly - you were involved with a MM, right ?

Does your son in law know this?

I can imagine that in the trauma of betrayal, I would probably lash out at a person I knew had participated in the kind of relationship that causede so much pain.

He might view you as an enabler.

I'm not saying it's right. I am just wondering if that is a possibility ?

Nobody in my life knew about the A. I think he probably asked her to limit her contact with everybody. Nobody has seen my daughter or heard from her in a week.

Thanks for your thoughts.

Cat

January 4, 2013

Children, no matter what age they are, do not want to hurt their parents and go to these lengths to protect them. She probably doesn't want you to see her and her family in so much pain because she knows it will be painful for you as well.

I agree with spark and sydlyon and would reach out to them and let them know you are there as a mother who dearly loves her family and will provide whatever support they need during this crisis. Her husband may have asked her to keep a lid on this minimize the damage from spreading further. He is in a lot pain and probably does not want his extended family to see him like this. Its a devastating blow. I could be wrong, but that is my guess. Is her husband a private person when it comes to problems with their relationship? If so, there are ways you can provide support and respect his need for privacy during this time.

January 4, 2013

I have no intention of "ganging up" on my son in law or advising my daughter. They need somebody professional to help them.

I agree, and I would expect anyone with a sense of decency that had a cheating son/daughter to not gang up on their betrayed spouse.

Not saying you would do that, but it very well could be what he is thinking. He probably doesn't want any of this to get any farther out there than it has. And even though you have no intention of supporting her in a way that disrespects him further, he doesn't know that.

I am dreadfully concerned about my 16 year old grandson and how he's coping with all this.

Yes, I agree that it's extremely rude of her, after all she dropped a bomb on me then told me to stay away from them.

Again, I'm wondering if he told her that if she contacts anyone, possibly perceived by him as getting people on her side, that he would just file for divorce. He probably doesn't want or need anyone else getting in the middle since someone already has, another man.

Nobody in my life knew about the A.

Thats good, because that would definitely be a reason SIL wouldn't want you advising her, even though I'm sure your experience with an affair wouldn't cause you to do anything but support them both, hopefully

Edited January 4, 2013 by nofool4u

January 4, 2013

Thanks for all your repsonses. It's food for thought, but I know only the bare bones of the matter....

My grandson might not have been told.

She has since sent me a text to say she will come and spend the night with me on Sunday and Monday . She said they wanted to sort things out a bit before she talked to me.

CAt

Well, okay...but that is only one side of the story and with the emotions running so high after dday and maybe some fog, I'm going to predict this:

She will SMEAR your SIL, tell you how inattentive and abusive he was as a spouse, and defend her AP and her decision to have an affair. She will try to make you her ally.

I think your SIL deserves a phone call from YOU, reassuring him of your love for him and asking him if there is anything YOU can do to help their situation?

I think you should listen to your daughter, but do not take her side! Encourage her to make her own decisions, and to get counseling, and get to family counseling...all of them.

Do NOT avoid conflict here or allow them to do so. Whatever the outcome of the marriage, your grandson deserves to see people acting like adults and dealing with their problems head on.

He must never feel you or your daughter's family think LESS of his dad. Right now, he needs people supporting both parents.

January 4, 2013

Well, okay...but that is only one side of the story and with the emotions running so high after dday and maybe some fog, I'm going to predict this:

She will SMEAR your SIL, tell you how inattentive and abusive he was as a spouse, and defend her AP and her decision to have an affair. She will try to make you her ally.

I think your SIL deserves a phone call from YOU, reassuring him of your love for him and asking him if there is anything YOU can do to help their situation?

I think you should listen to your daughter, but do not take her side! Encourage her to make her own decisions, and to get counseling, and get to family counseling...all of them.

Do NOT avoid conflict here or allow them to do so. Whatever the outcome of the marriage, your grandson deserves to see people acting like adults and dealing with their problems head on.

He must never feel you or your daughter's family think LESS of his dad. Right now, he needs people supporting both parents.

MY daughter will not SMEAR my son inlaw because she just isn't like that. When she does wrong she will stand up and admit it. I know that he is nothing like inattentive or abusive. She couldn't justify bad mouthing him.

They both know that I have never taken sides when they have been disgreeing about issues and never will.

They are also both highly intelligent people and old enough to make their own decisions about what they will do. My conclusion is that they didn't want anybody else around. while they were trying to sort it out.

I am not sure why you anybody would think LESS of my son in law. He is a fine man with many good qualities.

All three of them have my love and support and more will be clear when my daughter and I have spend the night on MOnday.

Thanks fo your comments Spark

Cat

January 4, 2013

Hey, good luck with your daughter on Monday night. My heart goes out to you. You sound like a wonderful mother who will be there for them in a way that really counts.

January 5, 2013

What to do??

I would respect her wish and I wouldn't try to call her for a little while. I would contact my grandson though. Doesn't he have a mobile? Just a call to ask how he is. I wouldn't mention about the cheating unless he brings it up. I would just let him know I'm there for him if he needs some place to go to, even if temporary. Or just a break from the family. In short, I would make sure I'm in touch with him at least, until things get better.

Then after some weeks, I would at least text my daughter. Of course you can text her right away and tell her you got her text and that you still love her and feel for her.

If the grandson doesn't have a mobile, I would go there (I don't care if I have to take a plane to do so) and wait for him getting out from school and talk to him.

January 5, 2013

I would suggest you respect your daughter's request for privacy. This is between her and her husband. Your role is to provide emotional support if she wants it.

January 5, 2013

I would respect her wish and I wouldn't try to call her for a little while. I would contact my grandson though. Doesn't he have a mobile? Just a call to ask how he is. I wouldn't mention about the cheating unless he brings it up. I would just let him know I'm there for him if he needs some place to go to, even if temporary. Or just a break from the family. In short, I would make sure I'm in touch with him at least, until things get better.

Then after some weeks, I would at least text my daughter. Of course you can text her right away and tell her you got her text and that you still love her and feel for her.

If the grandson doesn't have a mobile, I would go there (I don't care if I have to take a plane to do so) and wait for him getting out from school and talk to him.

I could think of nothing that would alienate my grandson's parents more quickly than sneaking around to get to him after school. My daughter texted me that he is fine, so I 'm pleased about that.

She has already had texts telling her that I love her and want to see her as soon as she feels ready.

January 5, 2013

That is her problem, she cannot expect you to cut ties with your grandson because of something she did. You need to keep in touch with him. That's all. I'm not sure what it is like in your country, probably the U.S., but where I live, law protects relationships between grandchildren and grandparents.

January 5, 2013

Hope you have some reassuring news soon catplates x

January 8, 2013

Hope you have some reassuring news soon catplates x

Not really reassured after spending the night with my daughter. My son in law has gone to spend some time out with his sister and my grandson has gone to summer camp for a week.

MY daughter has disgnosed herself as suffering from love addiction.

She has arranged on going counselling.

She has spoken to her father separately but has told us both that she feels angry and abandonded by both of us. We divorced when she was 8 years old. She seems to think that her addiction grew from her childhood.

She only really only wanted to see me to tell me that. She still just wants to be left alone for a while.

January 8, 2013

Not really reassured after spending the night with my daughter. My son in law has gone to spend some time out with his sister and my grandson has gone to summer camp for a week.

MY daughter has disgnosed herself as suffering from love addiction.

She has arranged on going counselling.

She has spoken to her father separately but has told us both that she feels angry and abandonded by both of us. We divorced when she was 8 years old. She seems to think that her addiction grew from her childhood.

She only really only wanted to see me to tell me that. She still just wants to be left alone for a while.

Sounds like she might be using her childhood as an excuse for her own affair, and using you as a scapegoat to vent at since her husband is obviously and rightfully pissed off at her.

And what is a "love addiction?" Never heard of that term.

January 8, 2013

Not really reassured after spending the night with my daughter. My son in law has gone to spend some time out with his sister and my grandson has gone to summer camp for a week.

MY daughter has disgnosed herself as suffering from love addiction.

She has arranged on going counselling.

She has spoken to her father separately but has told us both that she feels angry and abandonded by both of us. We divorced when she was 8 years old. She seems to think that her addiction grew from her childhood.

She only really only wanted to see me to tell me that. She still just wants to be left alone for a while.

well, okay......but what does that have to do immediately about her marriage, her affair, the future well-being of her child, your grandson?

blaming you and her father NOW, after the fact of her actions, seems to me, to be a cheap shot and a way to get you to feel guilty and back off from her sitch.

had she sought counseling BEFORE she made such poor, destructive choices, counseling that would have eventually included YOU in an effort to promote healing, would have said volumes about her ability to self-soothe.

Do NOT allow you and her father to be scapegoated NOW. it's cowardly of her to do so. it is typical cheater blame shifting, and it will be successful if it gets you to back off completely.

Again, I implore you to call your daughter and your son-in-law, and tell them both that you love them and support them during this difficult time. just listen...and be kind. Let them know that you are there to support both dof them in any way possible.

do NOT avoid this conflict Grandma! and do not allow her to make you distance yourself from those you love and have loved because she now blames you in her fog.

Good luck to you! you're going to need that. let's of courage too! hugs!!!!!!!

January 8, 2013

Thanks all.

Daughter was very angry and said her father's story re the long gone (35 years ago) divorce did not match up to mine.. she doesn't believe me or him. I told her that I didn't know what her father said and I wasn't playing the blame game. I haven't backed off from her or the boys. She is at home alone and I will leave her alone for a couple of days. I need to recover myself also after the emotional storm I was in last night.

Her husband is willing to stay in the marriage , as long as she pursues counselling re her own issues and gets that worked out. He has asked for some time with his sister as she is his only family. She is promising to comply with that. As far as my grandon goes, she assures me that he had one day feeling disturbed but after that appeared to be OK. I doubt whether he is OK yet but time will unfold the truth.

What I saw last night was a very angry baby. Her lover dumped her for somebody else and she was furious. She is still half in the affair bubble and trying to face reality. She hates her step mother, her step brother and her half sister. She misses her late step father because he would have understood her . No telling what my late husband might have said to her.

I did feel she was side stepping the responsibility of her actions by blaming her past. How long can she go on using that excuse? She is 45 after all.

Pierre, I am about to look up love addiction. Will keep you posted.

Cat

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