Fiance Cheated...What Would You Do? (Long, but bear with me)

[oldrockingchair]

You never think it will be you. Long story short: A year ago my boyfriend at the time and I were in a rough patch. I was feeling resentment towards him for some lies discovered early on in the relationship (his addiction to alcohol and pot) and was being distant towards him emotionally and sexually. I know I could have just broken up with him, but I still loved him and was hopeful that I could "get over" it. He was feeling undersexed. He went to get a cheap massage one day. Turns out it was a "special" massage place. He got one. Over the course of the next 8 months-year he returned and got about 5 hand job massages. The last one happened just 3 months after we got engaged.

 

After the last massage he contracted a viral skin infection on his genitals. He said he panicked, didn't want to loose me so he told me it must have been from yoga. We stopped having sex until the infection was treated. We had begun counselling and our relationship was improving tremendously. Until last November when I showed signs of having the infection. Then he got really weird. Some days later he confessed the whole situation. He said it had been tearing him up inside and he could not continue his lie now that I was at risk. He is begging me to take him back.

 

I am pissed about what he did but understand his rationalizing the cheating. I am Not making excuses for him, he acted like a scum bag and no one deserves to be cheated on. Still, we were not having sex much or connecting at all emotionally or physically. I'm almost more pissed that he gave me this skin infection that takes months to clear up. I'm pissed that he led me to believe he never cheated on me during that rough time (he would always say how hard it was for him to stay faithful without sex...all the while knowing that he had not been). I'm pissed that he defiled our engagement. How can I walk down the aisle to him without thinking about this? I'm pissed that he lied in counselling and never brought this up. I am also beginning to see our relationship in a new light. I am young, attractive, and know that I will be okay.... I am even beginning to find myself attracted to other men. still, It is so hard ending something like this. I would have to move out and our families would be crushed. These are superficial things, but they break my heart thinking about it.

 

So where to go from here. Weighing the options I see the 2 major possibilities. 1. Break up. Pros: not being with a cheater, punishing him, finding someone else. Cons: Ending an otherwise good relationship with someone I love. Put like this, the pros seem petty. Possibility 2. Try to Fix This. Pros: Keeping a 5 year relationship, keeping a man I love, keeping our mutual interests. Cons: Feeling like a push over, missing out on better opportunities, possibly not recognizing my worth.

 

What would you do? Please HELP

[Toddbt12y1]

Leave him. He cheated #1. #2 his words "it's hard for him to stay loyal without sex." Tells me it all. That's what he loves:sex and is showing it. He shouldn't go seek others. He shouldn't have given you an infection.

 

But I bet you'll stay. Then ten years down the road you'll find out he's screwing the neighbor cause he's not getting enough

[Clockwork]

Based on what I read, I'd leave him. How he got that infection from a handjob is weird and to be honest I don't believe he told you the truth about that. Getting a skin infection from a handjob is like picking something up from a water fountain. I would bet he's had sex a few times and picked it up from the girl he did it with. Just my thought.

 

Either way, the guy is totally not being honest with you since he was doing this after you got engaged. Think about this, he put a ring on your finger, promised to marry you and THEN kept running around on you.

 

Most women/men don't have such a clear betrayal right in front of their eyes and you have the luxury of knowing this stuff before you got married. Consider yourself lucky, that is, if you leave him.

[veggirl]

Disgusting. Hand job after hand job....really doubt it was just hand jobs, first of all! Unless you left out where he admitted it was actual sex.

 

I REALLY doubt you know the whole story here. I think you are being naive if you think your bf was catching rashes from hand jobs.

 

Why do you want to marry a man you don't want to have sex with?

 

He's gross, honestly I feel itchy just reading your story. I couldn't even look him in the eye after finding that crap out, much less marry him and publicly profess my love to him. I would leave him.

[2sure]

You seem understanding of his visits to the "massage" parlor because at the time the two of you were not having much closeness or sex.

 

OK. But...you said you were having those problems because you found out he had lied to you regarding his alcohol and drug use.

 

That's a good reason to not feel like having much sex with your partner and a really really horrible reason for him to get an STD while cheating and pass it onto you.

[CarrieT]

First, he has already shown himself as a liar and a cheat. Why would you tie yourself and your life to someone like that?

 

I am even beginning to find myself attracted to other men.

You have already checked out. Good.

 

 

I would have to move out and our families would be crushed.

You do not enter into a lifelong relationship to please other people. They will understand and - trust me - they will get over it, as will you.

[Sylar]

All of the above posts have a lot to offer.

 

Plus you also stated you had councelling?

What was that for? If it was relationship help, then the mix of that, him cheating numerous times, and basically you saying that you didn't want to sleep with him all point to..

 

Get rid.

[NoMagicBullet]

He lied, he cheated, he lied about cheating, he lied in counseling... even if he never cheats again, you can clearly see that how he handles potential conflicts is by lying. Sometimes people can repair a relationship after cheating, but I don't know of any decent, lasting relationship that involves consistent lying.

[ChessPieceFace]

So basically he repeatedly went to a prostitute because he wasn't getting enough at home. Here's my perspective. I have a zero-tolerance viewpoint on cheating, which is to say actual romance+sex cheating. This wasn't that; this was a him going for sexual release from a prostitute, and was a HJ rather than "real sex." However, I'm just pointing out this difference for perspective's sake. I would still vote to end it for the following 2 big reasons:

 

1.) He did it even when you were engaged

2.) He lied about it repeatedly (and has a habit of lying)

 

Either of those would be deal breakers for me. Even though he didn't betray you in one sense since it wasn't a secret romance, there's still way too much lying and deception going on here, and your engagement has been defiled. End it unless you're OK with staying with a habitual liar and living with mistrust every day of your life.