ex bf wants to continue to date but wants me to move out. resentful..

[Kittech]

Hello all. I am seeking some advice from people other than my gossipy and judgemental friends.

 

My boyfriend of 3.5 years and I broke up about a month ago. We had been living together very early on in our relationship and generally had a pretty good time together... except for our fights. Our fights got pretty bad and I was usually the irrational one in those. Mostly yelling and I threw and broke a few things, but nothing more serious than that. Eventually, we stopped being intimate and our relationship felt more like a close friendship, with a little bit of affection but not much (we'd cuddle on the couch and peck each other on the lips).

 

Well, he owns the house that we currently live in and he's been wanting me to move out since our break up, so I finally found a place, signed the lease, and I am moving out within a week or two. Basically, the breaking point of our relationship (when he decided I just HAD to move out) was when I kicked a hole in the bedroom door, and he said he couldn't have someone destroying his brand new house. He's 'gotten over' it, but hasn't really forgiven me for it and is afraid I will destroy more things. He says he loves me, but is not in love with me, but wants to continue to hang out and date and see each other. He just doesn't want to live with me.

 

The thing is, I find myself very resentful of the entire situation. For me to move out, he will have to pay more rent every month for the half that I used to pay, plus he doesn't want another room mate because he doesn't trust a stranger in his house. I also take care of our 2 dogs (which he will be keeping) during the day while he's at work and do a lot of the house chores. I also buy groceries and cook dinner. It just upsets me that he's willing to give up all those things because he can't forgive me for breaking the door and that he is giving up on this relationship.

 

In a way, after the move, I want to completely avoid him for a while (if I am able to.. we hang out a lot at the moment), part of it is resentment and spite, and part of it is me wanting to move on and not feel negatively about him. He doesn't have a lot of friends here and tends to get lonely, and almost all of the people he knows here are people he knows through me. I've suggested to him that he should find new people to hang out with if he goes through with the decision for me to move out, I do feel bad about that but I'm also just really hurt and pissed. I know this seems like an insignificant ordeal but... I just want to know, how should I deal with him after the move and is it wrong for me to tell him he shouldn't hang out with "my" friends? I do still love him, but I am trying to not love him if he doesn't feel the same way about me, and I'd rather just move on if thats the case. And I kinda do feel like I want to make him regret getting rid of me... it's just resentment and I can't help it.

[KatZee]

Well I mean... he has a point. He just bought a house and you walk around throwing and breaking things,and kicking holes in doors. Grow up and control yourself, you're not an animal.

 

I would toss you out as well. I don't need to be paying a mortgage on a house and having someone hang around destroying my property with no respect or regard for my things, or the money I've put into it.

 

One of my exes slammed one of my cabinet doors when I was away once and he shattered it. You bet your a.ss I told him to get the f.uck out but not before sending his a.ss straight to Home Depot to buy a new cabinet and to install it.

 

No tolerance for that. Not sure why you're so resentful, what you're doing is completely immature, and inexcusable.

 

Not really sure why he wants to continue dating you either because the second you move back in, if and when that would ever happen, you'd probably kick more holes in his s.hit.

 

Get a grip on your behavior, and your emotions. I'm kind of shocked that you say, "I threw and broke things, but nothing more serious than that." That IS pretty serious, whether you believe it or not.

 

And if he's not even in love with you anymore, continuing to date is pretty pointless. Don't waste your time.

Edited January 3, 2013 by KatZee

[Bluem]

Sorry, but I think him kicking you out is probably his way of slowly breaking up with you but he's just avoiding doing it and seems to be easing into it/trying to get you to do it. I think you should cut your losses and move on.

 

By the way, I think you breaking things is actually way more serious than you make it out to be, which might be another reason he asked you to move out. You don't seem to think it's too serious, but it is - that kind of rage and anger can lead to other things. Maybe try to get some sort of counseling to figure out why it is you have such behavior so you can control it.

 

On top of that, it's not very nice for this guy to only half break up with you; why are you wasting your time on him? I am sure it's not because you broke the door that he's breaking up with you - that's nonsensical. It's probably your behavior and how you continue to break things (how would you feel if someone was sabotaging you and your things?), and, like you said, that he isn't feeling it any more. I think he's essentially going to try to use you as a comfort until he can finally break up with you which is why he continues to see you but made you move out, etc and put you on the path to separating permanently. It may also be because he's trying to give himself some space from you to see how he feels.

 

Either way, bottom line - this guy isn't fully committing to you or promising you a future. I know how you feel. It's very painful to know someone is letting you go, and it feels like if you made them regret it, be cruel to them as they are being to you, etc that it would feel better. It doesn't make it feel better, unfortunately. The best revenge is just to be neutral and quiet and move on. They probably don't expect this behavior from you.

 

As far as your friends are concerned... if they're being judgmental/gossipy, are they being good friends? They're your friends sure, but perhaps he's formed friendships with them though. You could tell him nicely (try to be rational so he doesn't assume you're just trying to sabotage him) that you care about him as a friend, but if you decide to break up, that you're going to have to spend some time apart to recover and be able to be friends with him (though I'm not sure you want to be) and so this means truly splitting - including friends and that it's nothing personal. You simply want to cut him off because that's the only way to really break up and not have any more hopes to reconcile, etc.

 

Have you considered getting new friends though? I find friends I shared with my ex tend to remind me of them. Sometimes they bring him up - this is annoying. Trying new things/meeting new people can also help you become a better person overall and detach from someone. Oddly, though my close, old friends were supportive - the people who helped me get over it the most were my new friends because I simply forgot he existed while I was with them and didn't have that lingering feeling.

 

Feel better soon!

Edited January 3, 2013 by Bluem

[Kittech]

You're right. I should have never broke those things and I regret that. I have a bad temper and it often gets out of control especially when combined with alcohol. However, he wasn't a perfect angel either. I don't get mad easily (so if I actually do, you were totally being an ass), and he likes to push my buttons. Usually saying really mean and rude stuff to me constantly, but in a 'joking' manner. I know he's joking but after a while, it is hurtful and I wonder why can't he tease me in a playfun lighthearted manner rather than a mean, annoying, bullyish way. When I get mad at him, he pretends he doesn't even know what he's saying and then continues to troll per say. Anyways... no need to get into all that detail.

 

So why would I want to date someone who pisses me off a lot? Well, who doesn't get pissed off at their bf/gf? When it's good, it's really good. We get along very well and "get" each other and have a lot in common. But in the end, I suppose the lack of intimacy and his lack of enthusiasm for being more social makes me feel more negatively about him and makes me get mad easier. I know the best thing is to probably just move on and be friends with him, since it seems like we're good at that but can't handle the steps above that.

[denxnis]

I think you guys need time apart. Regardless of whether or not you broke up seeing each other afterwards is not normal. I think being apart for a little while we help you two realize whether or not you truly want to be with each other.

 

Also, while I don't encourage punching holes in walls, I think different people have different ways of expressing their emotions. Some people are very emotional and show it which can be a good and bad thing. Maybe next time try going for a drive or walk, this helped me cure my "door punching" syndrome.

[Bluem]

If this guy is a bully, don't be his friend - seriously. Some people are not meant to be friends with and will push you until they hurt you and make you rage and will put you on your worst behavior. They will make you insecure and feel upset and a need to get revenge. This is how bullies work, it's psychological warfare. Talk to a counselor because this is totally a form of abuse and they can tell you this is unhealthy.

 

It's one thing for someone to joke around with you, but if they treat you this way, no matter how much you care about them they're going to hurt you and you deserve better. Whatever response he gets out of you, he probably enjoys which is why he's trolling you and keeps pushing after he's angered you.

[KatZee]

I kind of think that you guys shouldn't be together. You may have been in love with each other at one point but it's like oil and water, you guys don't mix. You bring out the worst in each other and that is not a healthy relationship. Relationships are not supposed to be this dramatic, it doesn't show that you guys have love and passion, it shows toxicity, volatility, and dysfunction.

 

He shouldn't be doing what he does knowing you get the way you do, and you shouldn't be responding in kind. If neither of you can grow up to respect the other, this will never work out.

 

If he was still in love with you i'd highly suggest couples counseling, but he's not so I honestly wouldn't even bother. Get some IC, enjoy your new place, and start fresh with someone who is a better fit.

[Kittech]

Thank you all, I have already learned so much and gotten a lot of insight from this forum in a short amount of time. It has been opening my eyes to things more than my angry depressed tunnel vision I have.

 

My other issue is that the person I am moving in with is a good guy friend I've known for a long time, longer than my ex boyfriend. However, I do suspect my guy friend has a crush on me, although I know he would never act on it because he knows I don't like him and doesn't want to mess up the friendship. In a way, I feel like this is a crappy situation to be in because he gets really nosy and up in my business and now if I have to live with him as a room mate, I feel like he's going to constantly pry at me about whats goin on with me personally. He already does but he is friends with my ex as well (he's known the last 3 boyfriends I've had lol). But in a sense, I wanted to be room mates with someone I knew and trusted and had stuff in common with.

 

I suppose it would be a really good idea to start seeing my old friends again.. the current group of friends I'm with are all very coupley. And they would definitely bring up my ex again or ask him to hang out probably... oh well. I guess I don't really want him to suffer that much... deep down, I still care about him as a person and think he is a good guy. It's just depressing. But thanks for the insight...

[Bluem]

Here's the best advice anyone ever gave to me after a break up: be single for awhile. It's actually really hard to do, but you learn a TON about yourself. If you jump into a relationship now, you'll carry the baggage into your next relationship. Then, you will have to either push it away to deal with later, or worse - you'll deal with it DURING your next relationship. The first few months are literally grueling after a break up - and it took me a long time to stop feeling angry. I think I'm almost passed the depression phase, but more recently (the past 2 months or so), I started my "reflection" phase and I can tell you I would not trade this for any relationship.

 

My boyfriend, like yours, was really mean to me. He wasn't necessarily a bad guy, but just a really bad boyfriend. I didn't ever act out physically, but instead became a ball of anxiety and continuously made him feel guilty. He didn't feel like he could leave, so I made him because he was literally not a good boyfriend. Neither is yours.

 

Sometimes I still get upset (why did he treat me this way? why didn't he try harder? why couldn't I fix it? what if I could change him?), sure, but I've reached a more peaceful place. If you stay single for awhile, you calm down and address your feelings. You see what you did wrong. You see what kind of person they were and what kind of person you want to date. You become more independent.

 

It's really easy, at this point, to victimize yourself and say this guy is an a-hole, etc, etc, etc and be angry and paint him out to be a villan and you have every right to do that. It's hard to see it now because you're still obviously attached to him, but you'll realize eventually none of this matters because you don't even want to be with him. I went through phases, first wishing he'd see what he did wrong and want me back so we could work it out. Then, wishing he'd see what he did wrong so I could vengefully reject him. Not wanting to get back with him after what he did, but wishing I could rewind it and prevent it and have kept our relationship at a normal. Eventually you stop caring and detach. It's very odd and sometimes scary to know you can detach, especially after a 3+ year relationship, but it happens.

 

You love this person and you are attached to them. They are not treating you right, and your relationship is unhealthy. It's time to move on because it is not fixable at this point, especially if he has lost his feelings for you.

Edited January 3, 2013 by Bluem

[Bluem]

Thank you all, I have already learned so much and gotten a lot of insight from this forum in a short amount of time. It has been opening my eyes to things more than my angry depressed tunnel vision I have.

 

My other issue is that the person I am moving in with is a good guy friend I've known for a long time, longer than my ex boyfriend. However, I do suspect my guy friend has a crush on me, although I know he would never act on it because he knows I don't like him and doesn't want to mess up the friendship. In a way, I feel like this is a crappy situation to be in because he gets really nosy and up in my business and now if I have to live with him as a room mate, I feel like he's going to constantly pry at me about whats goin on with me personally. He already does but he is friends with my ex as well (he's known the last 3 boyfriends I've had lol). But in a sense, I wanted to be room mates with someone I knew and trusted and had stuff in common with.

 

I suppose it would be a really good idea to start seeing my old friends again.. the current group of friends I'm with are all very coupley. And they would definitely bring up my ex again or ask him to hang out probably... oh well. I guess I don't really want him to suffer that much... deep down, I still care about him as a person and think he is a good guy. It's just depressing. But thanks for the insight...

 

This may not be the best decision ... =/ I would try to get out of this if I were you. If you can't, explain to him that you need his support, and sometimes you don't want to talk about things. You can talk to him when you need to, but ask him for your own space. If he is friends with your ex, I would only talk to him about topics like getting over your ex, moving on, etc and don't reveal anything he might tell your ex that you wouldn't want him to know.