pinkroses Posted August 17, 2004 Posted August 17, 2004 My ex husband and I share joint custody and this year my son happened to be with him on the day of his birthday. I started e-mailing my ex about a week before our son's birthday asking what he had planned for him. Last year our son was with me but I was okay with my ex and his new wife throwing a pool party for him and I bought the cake. This year my ex was being sketchy, and clear up until the day before, he wouldn't tell me anything. I called my son's grandmother who was keeping him and she claimed not to know any details either. My son had said a few things that indicated to me there was a party, but being 10 years old, he couldn't tell me exactly what or where, you know how kids are. When he mentioned invitations and the boys they'd been sent to, I called one of the moms and got the details of where the party was. I wasn't sure if I was just having problems getting in touch with my ex about it or if I was being intentionally excluded. Either way, I wanted to be there for my son. I went, and things went okay while I was there. However, I was angry and I e-mailed my ex telling him I didn't appreciate being left out of the plans for my son's party, and I also wrote his parents and just said I hoped they hadn't intentionally deceived me by telling me they didn't know about the party, but really did. They wrote the most hateful e-mail back to me telling me that no one wanted me at the party, that my presence was a "dark cloud", that I wasn't invited...to my OWN CHILD's party? Then they went on to insult me by saying if I had stayed married to their son none of that would have happened, that I should go on with my life, etc. My son cried just a few days earlier when I thought his party was going to be during work hours and I said I might not be able to make it. When I asked my ex why he pulled such a mean stunt, he said "we just wanted a peaceful birthday with him.." Peaceful? Without me? As if I'd show up with a machine gun or something. I'm a calm, non-confrontational person who only cared about being with my child. My ex does not have full custody or the right to exclude me like that. I feel like my ex and his new wife want to completely control and take over my son's life. That whole family would erase me from the picture if they could. They are self-righteous and judmental and have never liked me. What do you all think about this? Have I handled things all wrong or are they cold, heartless people?
Confused1 Posted August 18, 2004 Posted August 18, 2004 It was very sneaky of everyone to try and exclude you like that. If they didn't want you at the party they should have said so up front, not tried to hide it. Next year just have your own party for your son and your ex can have his. That way everyone is happy including your son (lots of extra presents)!
honey2005 Posted August 18, 2004 Posted August 18, 2004 I agree with Confused1, it was sneaky of them to not tell you upfront about the party, and the hateful e-mail from his parents was going way too far. He is just as much your son as he is your ex husbands, and I know that when I was 10, if my mother hadn't been at my birthday party I would have been heartbroken (still would be at almost 18:p). I think you handled things very well. You were there for you son at his birthday party when it was very obvious he wanted you to be there. You didn't let someone else's insecurities ruin his special day:). I think the idea of two birthday parties would be a good solution to the problem. I think it's sad, though, that a grown man would act like this and not allow his son to have both his parents at his birthday party. Even if two people can't love each other and live together, it doesn't mean they can't be civil and meet for a special occasion with the person they both love the most, their son.
Thor Posted August 18, 2004 Posted August 18, 2004 Two birthday parties is a good way to go. My ex and I do this for our two daughters, and it appears to be working well. The main reason why one party wouldn't work so well is my parents and my ex have tons of friction between them. So instead of forcing a situation, especially at a birthday party, we end up with two celebrations. We do the same for Thanksgiving and Christmas where one has them (the children) during the day and the other during the evening.
guest Posted August 18, 2004 Posted August 18, 2004 Ok here's the dealio. This is coming from a soon stepmom-to-be myself. My *future* step-daughter is having a birthday this weekend and her father and I are planning our own little get together. Reason being: Mom acts like a fool with some of the crap she's put us through. She's irrational and irresponsible. There's no way I could deal with her (now) after her acting the way that she has. So my question to you being: Have you acted rash, irrational or made someone irritated with your actions? My ex and I get along great. My son had his birthday party a few weeks ago and Dad WAS able to attend and was of course invited! But he acts civil and we get along well. See the difference? So basically what I'm saying is, that you *may* be causing turmoil for their marriage/relationship. Or maybe they want to have their own lives together as a new 'family'. Who is to say that maybe if you remarry you wouldn't want to invite your ex? I think it's great that people can have two separate parties, get-together's, whatever. Do you expect to spend Christmas with the son and your ex too? I'm not completely familiar with your situation, but that's my viewpoint.
Matilda Posted August 18, 2004 Posted August 18, 2004 I think your husband and his parents don't realize that your son is the one who is hurt by your not going to his party, not you. Although I understand why you were angry, and I would have been too, I think it was a mistake to write your ex and his parents letters expressing that. Now, you have given them more fuel to add to their own fire. I know it is hard, but, try very hard to keep from making things contentious between you, and your ex, and his family. Again, your son is the one hurt by this, and I doubt you will ever change their opinion of you by expressing your anger. I agree, from now on, your son should have 2 seperate parties. I do believe you can discuss this with your ex, since you don't want to invite the same kids to 2 parties. Something like, "Since having one party does not seem to be working out, next year lets each do our own thing." Don't get angry about it, just negotiate. You will either have to split up the kids, maybe invite classroom friends to one, and ball team friends to another. Or just have a few kids for a sleepover at one. Or have one of you have a big family party, and the other do the friend party. You and your ex no longer have a relationship, other than the partnership of raising your son. Try very hard to keep things business like. In a business, even when someone makes you angry, you don't tell them so (usually), you just figure out a way to negotiate with them. I grew up with divorced parents who fought, and went to court over every little thing. It was not good. They still have trouble being at a function together, and they don't talk to each other still after 30 years. It was wrong for them to do that. I am divorced from my daughter's father, and even though I really can't stand my ex, I refuse to put my daughter through what I went through. I compromise, and talk nice to my ex even when I don't feel like it. At first, it was hard because he would bait me, to make me angry, and I continued to fall for it. But finally, I came to my senses, and realized there was absolutely no point in arguing with him anymore. He wasn't going to see it my way, and I wasn't going to see it his way. That's why we divorced in the first place. Now, I just do what ever I have to do to keep things smooth. Good luck to you. Just continue to have faith that you are doing the right thing for your son, and when your ex makes you mad, vent to a friend, just make sure you don't do it in front of your son.
FreeMe Posted August 18, 2004 Posted August 18, 2004 I would be absolutely livid! His father and the rest of the family involved in that deception are obviously thinking only of themselves and not your son, who should be the most important person here, especially at his own party. That was an extremely ignorant thing to do to your son and you. Make sure you tell them how hurt your son would have been in you hadn't been there. You are the MOTHER after all, the one who gave BIRTH to him, hence his BIRTHday. If anyone should have been there, it should have been you. I'm glad you had the wherewithal to find out when and where and attended. Good luck. They sound like real winners.
Author pinkroses Posted August 18, 2004 Author Posted August 18, 2004 To "guest" who replied, no I am not some irrational person who causes friction. That family is very fake and self-righteous and judgmental. If anything my ex-husband's new wife is jealous of me, but I don't know that for sure, and it's her problem not mine. I don't act in any way that is offensive, intrusive or improper toward her or my ex or their marriage. The problem is when I stand up for myself, even in a calm, rightful way (I'm very shy and am not into conflict), they think I'm in the wrong. They think I should just give up my son to my nutty ex and just be as polite and fake as they are, and wear a scarlet letter for the rest of my life. I know it was wrong to write the parents but I've been dealing with these people since 1989, and they've talked behind my back, excluded me, accused me of things and demeaned me in the name of Christianity, and worn down my patience until I can't take it, can't let them get away with everything all the time.
guest Posted August 20, 2004 Posted August 20, 2004 pinkroses: In my opinion, if there is no friction, there's no reason for ANY of them to be hateful and have to exclude you. It is immature at that point. You're the child's Mom for God's sake! I hope that you see where I was coming from, if you *were* on of those bitchy ex-wives that are never happy, how it would be easy to exclude the 'nuisance'. But you're not a nuisance and you aren't a causer of major conflict. I am sorry for your situation. I hope that these people wake up and see that they are the ones acting fruit-loopy. The only thing I could tell you to do is to hang in there, and maybe open up lots of civil communication between the ex and yourself. Good luck.
Author pinkroses Posted August 22, 2004 Author Posted August 22, 2004 Thank you for your replies, everyone.
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