chrisd Posted August 17, 2004 Posted August 17, 2004 Hi all, About nine months ago I asked if anyone could help me with my break up. Thanks to you guys I got through nit on the advice I was given. Now nine months on, Im seeing someone else, who is a really special girl and we love each other a lot. The problem is my ex now says she wants me back. I have no intension of going back to her as I am very happy with my girlfriend. But I feel very guilty because I know my ex is now hurting, and I cant stand that, it feels like its my fault. My ex calls me and gets very upset on the phone and it almost makes me hate myself because I wont be going back to her. Is this normal to happen ? What should I say to my ex? I really dont want to cause her any pain. Chris.
murasaki Posted August 17, 2004 Posted August 17, 2004 It's nice that you're sufficiently over your ex to actually feel bad about the fact that she's pining for you. But you don't owe her anything, and it's certainly not something you should feel guilty about. Even if you weren't seeing anyone else at the moment but simply knew you didn't want to get back together w/your ex, you shouldn't feel guilty about that. The person who does deserve maximum consideration is your current girlfriend. I understand that you're not contemplating leaving her, but I think you might want to put some thought into the amount of space you're allowing your ex in your life. You're allowing her to make you feel guilty -- about something that you shouldn't feel guilty about at all. You two broke up. Nine months passed. You don't love her anymore. End of story. Why is she allowed, now, to come back into your life and drain away little bits of your time and energy (even if only a little) because she has suddenly decided that she wants you back? What if she were a random girl whom you barely knew, who had decided that she was in love with you? What your ex is doing is almost as inappropriate and weird as that. She realized she still had feelings for you. She told you. You told her that you've happily moved on with someone else. So why is she still calling? What part of "I'm in love with someone else now" doesn't she understand? Why are you taking her calls/reading her texts & emails? She's not recognizing and respecting your current state of affairs. And by allowing her to intrude into your life like this, you're kind of disrespecting your current girlfriend. It might feel kind of nice to have an ex desperate to win you back. But I'd advise you to tell your ex that the subject is closed, and that it would probably be better if she stopped getting in touch with you. She needs to get over it, not go over it again and again with you.
doubledown Posted August 17, 2004 Posted August 17, 2004 It depends, who broke up with whom? If you dumped her, then you should feel some guilt, depending on the circumstances surrounding the breakup. If she dumped you however then what goes around comes around. Although 9 months seems like a long to time to realize that you miss someone. It's been 8 since I was dumped and I could go the rest of my life w/o ever seeing her or talking to her again. Either way, you both will learn a valueable lesson, hold on to the one you love. If you play with fire..... Good luck.
supermom Posted August 17, 2004 Posted August 17, 2004 She obviously didn't have any concern for your feelings when she left you, and by leaving you - she opened the doors for you to have a new relationship. I say boo hoo to her and continue on with your happy life, and don't let her back in to ruin your new relationship. kudos to you for moving on! Shes done - tell her to move on. YOU SHOULD NOT FEEL GUILTY. She should of said this in the beginning. Life is not about getting everything you want.
crash&burn Posted August 19, 2004 Posted August 19, 2004 Tricky situation if you're not reading your true feelings. Deep down you may still be in love with your ex. You may love you current girlfriend, but it is always hard to replace someone who was in your life for such a long time. I suggest you think more about how much you love your ex and your current girlfriend. People do breakup for funny reasons, sometimes its so you can truly understand how much you love them. I think your ex has realised this. If you are completely happy with your current girlfriend, then definitey stay true to her, cut contact with your ex, tell her why though i.e. its affecting your time with you new girlfriend. Enjoy the fact that your ex can't find anyone to replace you. Enjoy having loved and now found deeper more meaningful love. If you realise that perhaps you love your ex more than your current girlfriend, or that you don't really know... this is dangerous. The heart is truly a mysterious thing. I would take things very slow, try to just hangout as friends, try to find out what you truly want. As selfish as it may sound, it's your life and you deserve whatever you feel is best for you. Be true to yourself, you will know deep down what is right. Don't let you ex manipulate your feelings, they're good at that. Beware of why she is coming back and beware that the problems you originally had, will always still be there. End of the day, its your choice, think about it carefully. You know whats right for you.
unclejo23 Posted August 19, 2004 Posted August 19, 2004 I have come to terms with my ex-fiance leaving because she didnt feel "right"(its not you its me)... she's finally coming to get the rest of her stuff tonight.... Anyway, everyone who knows the 2 of us say that she is making a mistake, will realize it, and come back. Thanks to this site and my friends... I HAVE come to terms and CAN admitt my fiance left me. Whether she decides she made a mistake or not, I'm moving on. It's not that I don't love her anymore, because she meant more to me than ANY other woman in my life(to include mother...sounds bad but thats another thread!) I'm not waiting for her to "come back".... cause she may never come back... I have wondered how I will handle the situation if it arises? Which is why I'm curious as to how this thread turns out... As an outsider looking in... I can say that the new woman in your life deserves your full attention and honesty... You respected your ex's "space", just like I'm giving my ex hers... It is now your ex's turn to respect yours... Whether you want the current or ex... Is something you need to figure out for yourself... but don't allow your ex to pursuade your decision.
Author chrisd Posted August 19, 2004 Author Posted August 19, 2004 Thanks all for your advice. I know that I want my current girlfriend, yes I still have feelings for my ex, but not in that kind of way directly. I still care about her but I dont want to go back to her because I dont think I could trust her not to do it again, also I dont believe it could be the same again anyway. My 'strange' problem is that I cant tell her to leave me alone, not because I might want her back but just because I dont want to hurt her. I have no idea why I should be bothered about her feelings now, but I am..... Why is this????? Im more than happy with my current girlfriend and I dont want this to cause problems between us. My ex also cant understand why I dont phone her for a chat, she cant see why my new girlfriend might have a problem with this. Chris
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