questions123 Posted January 3, 2013 Posted January 3, 2013 Hey people. So I made a similar post yesterday, but it was a bit lengthy and no one probably wanted to read it. So here's the short version. Really need some advice on this... My ex-girlfriend (21) of a year and a half and I (23) recently started talking again after being broken up for the last 5 months. The first 3 apart were no contact and the 4th was very little. The reason for the split was her being tired of being in a relationship and she had also started hanging out with her high school flame again for a few weeks and went on vacation with him without telling me for a week before she came back and dumped me. From what I can tell, she's been casually seeing this guy ever since, but they've never made it official. I never wronged this girl in any way. I loved her with all my heart and gave her everything I could and she knows that. I just made things a little too easy. (It might also be important to mention that were each others first loves and sexual partners.) Last month we hung out for the first time since the split when she came to a concert of mine and it was completely comfortable like nothing bad even happened. We just had an awesome night hanging out as friends. I didn't see her for about three weeks after that until she randomly called me a few days before Xmas to celebrate her 21st birthday with her. We ended up being all couply and made out that night. This past weekend we ended up hanging out again and went to grab a drink. We ended up being all couply again that night even more so than the week before and confessed how much we missed each other. We ended up going back to my place and having sex and then just cuddled and talked about a bunch of good memories of being together for the next few hours. I thought we might be starting to get on the road to getting back together. But... On Sunday she posted a picture of a super romantic gift with the caption "Cutest gift ever" followed by a bunch of icons like this... The gift was totally not from me. So I asked her about it because It had me a little confused. This is how the conversation went... Me: So friday was a lot of fun Ex: Haha ya it was Me: glad you came to hang out. haha. can i ask you something though? Ex: Ya sure Me: saw that pic on instagram of the bear and stuff. ??? Ex: Ok? Me: are you seeing somebody? Ex: Lol no it was just a silly present Me: o haha ****. i feel like a dumbass Ex: Lol Me: i'm sorry haha. i just kinda saw that and was like what? Ex: Ya cheating isn't really my thing But I'm not tied down to any one person Me: ok. i wasnt saying that. i know that. i give you the right to slap me next time we hang out haha im sorry She didn't respond after that and we haven't spoken since. So I don't really know what to think. Did I mess things up by asking her that? I feel like I had a right to know considering I'm not just some random new guy trying to date her. I'm the guy she planned on marrying not too long ago. And does it seem like she wants to come back to me? Some of my friends say it sounds like she might but now she's just conflicted because she's had this casual thing going and never expected to start seeing me again. But now I've come back into the picture and she doesn't know what to do. Cause she obviously still has feelings for me. I know it might not be the best idea, but I still really love her and want to give things another shot. So let me know how I should go about this people. Do I say something to her again or just wait till she talks to me again?
othersideofthepillow Posted January 3, 2013 Posted January 3, 2013 Hey man so I read the long version and the short version and here are my 2 cents: Saying something about the gift was a huge NO NO. You guys are no longer together so really, and it hurts to see i know, she can get gifts, date or get intimate with anyone she wants. Keep in mind that YOU are ALSO SINGLE....you are free to do whatever you want as well. It's not a "one up" type of thing but you both are back on the market and free to act as you see fit. You guys hung out and were intimate yes, but remember, that was only one time. What you want to do is stay away from assumptions. Right now your assuming you are on the path of getting back together but you have no idea what she is thinking. You need to look into really deciding if you want someone in your life, as a partner, who would go on a vacation with another guy and not tell you about it. Think of it this way, what would she have thought/done if you had done that to her? 99% of the time she would have dumped you. It seems like an eternity for you at the moment, being broken up for 5+ months, but in the grand sceme of things that is not long at all. You also NEED TO REMEMBER THIS - - SHE DUMPED YOU - - any form of contact or trying to get together again should be coming from her. IF you think that you want to still take the lead and ask her out, I would say to suggest: Ask her out again and she accepts.... Do something brand new that you two never did together. Go out, be yourself, make her laugh, have a great time, DON'T bring up the breakup, and let her remember why she was with you in the past. Ask her out and she doesn't accept, give you a excuse or says she's busy (without rescheduling on her own).... WALK AWAY AND STRICT NC. Anything else WILL make you look weak and clingy. NO woman wants this in a man. Every relationship and break up is different and every ex is different so in the end we can only advise what we think may be right. Hope it works out for you though and in the end you get what you need!
Author questions123 Posted January 3, 2013 Author Posted January 3, 2013 (edited) Damn. Ya I guess I may have overstepped my bounds a little bit. The thing is I didn't really get mad at her about it or anything. I just asked a question and when she answered I was essentially just like "ok for sure." I guess part of the reason I asked was cause I was going away for new years and was potentially gonna hook up with someone which if she was also thinking about getting back together would result in her being royally pissed at me. So I needed a bit of clarification. Haha. And ya I know she needs to be the one to initiate. But she did kinda start this whole thing. When she invited me out for her birthday I expected there to be a bunch of people, but it was just us. So she knew what she was doing and what she was setting up for. So I just kept going along with it. I haven't mentioned anything about another guy or our break up or anything still. And ya, definitely trying not to look weak. 'Cause that was a definite issue we had the first time around. That's why other than the two days we hung out, I've barely talked to her. Just been doing my own thing. I just wonder if I need to do some kind of damage control on this or just leave it alone. Like apologize for getting that way. I don't know man, you think i blew it already? Edited January 3, 2013 by questions123
othersideofthepillow Posted January 3, 2013 Posted January 3, 2013 So you wanted to hook up with another woman but didn't want her to get upset. I get it but, at the same time she has no right to be upset and you don't owe it to her to not hook up with another woman. With that being said, you have no right to be upset if she did either. Trying to do "damage control" will come across as weak - - good intentions or not. You can try and dance around things, limited contact and whatnot but in the end one of you will have to pull the trigger of moving things to getting back together. Personally, I would wash my hands of the situation and move on and I MEAN MOVE ON. No texting, calling, facebook, emails, no contact whatsoever. No one can say that you won't get back together soon, or in the future but for now it's over and it needs to be left at that. If it's meant to be she will come back and you can decide than but until than you should take it for what its worth and begin your life without her. Took me a long time to do that but once I did I was happy again. Still miss the companionship of having a gf but being happy with where I am in my own life now is a great feeling.
Author questions123 Posted January 3, 2013 Author Posted January 3, 2013 Well the New Years things was like... my buddy and I had planned that trip before I'd even started talking to my ex again. We thought we might head out of town meet some girls and see what happens. But once it started to look like something was happening with us again I didn't wanna try and hookup with someone else until it seemed like she already was. So I went back to wanting to take advantage of being single it that's what she's doing. Believe me man. I tried to move on. Dated a couple other girls and got completely happy doing stuff with my life without her. And then she just circled back around. Haha. Like I said, she's the one that called me out to start spending time with her again. She's just being immature and trying to have her cake and eat it too.
othersideofthepillow Posted January 3, 2013 Posted January 3, 2013 Have her cake and eat it to huh - - yeah sounds all too familiar. Again man 5 months is really not that long to be broken up for. Think about it, the two of you were only not talking for a total of 90 days....not that long at all right? Try not to assume as much as possible. Trust me I know that you want to be cautious for the "future" and not hurt your chances but we all live in the present - your currently single so you have to live a single life. The next time you hear from her, i would say not to respond, if she tries again, let it go unanswered again. People want what they cant have. If she continues to try to contact you, you than hold the cards for what kind of contact it will be. Remember, you DO NOT want to be friends with her, you want her to be your LOVER.
Author questions123 Posted January 3, 2013 Author Posted January 3, 2013 Ya man I guess it really isn't. I guess just seeing so many friends that split and get back together after like 2 weeks it feels like a long time. I just got let this play out and do everything by doing absolutely nothing. She's confused and has to figure out her ****.
othersideofthepillow Posted January 3, 2013 Posted January 3, 2013 some ppl do. some ppl dont. the main thing you want if you do get back together is to have been able to change what went wrong in the first place. may take weeks, months, years, or never at all. all you can do is let it play out. like i said if its meant to be it will be! keep your head up, stay strong and work on being the man you want to be - - everything else will work itself out!
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