Zammo25 Posted January 3, 2013 Posted January 3, 2013 I have never felt worse in my life. Everyday and everynight is a living hell. In a very bad place. How low did you go ? I feel that life is ebbing away now.
KatZee Posted January 3, 2013 Posted January 3, 2013 (edited) I have never felt worse in my life. Everyday and everynight is a living hell. In a very bad place. How low did you go ? I feel that life is ebbing away now. I went really low with my first love. I made a stupid mistake and he wound up dumping me. I carried guilt and self-hatred for YEARS. I threw myself at anyone that showed me an ounce of attention. I had a couple one night stands. Carried on a fWB situation with that ex. I really had no respect for myself, but at the time my mentality was, "If I'm going to get screwed over, I'm going to become a player and just use guys." And that's what I did for about three years. I never went NC with my first love so I always held a torch and always compared other guys to him. No one ever matched up. I hated myself for making him dump me. I actually found out just this year that he never dumped me for what I thought he did. I pretty much spent about 7 years feeling guilt, remorse, for nothing. Hah. When we had first split I basically stopped eating. There are some that comfort eat, I'm a comfort NON-eater. I just always felt physically sick and nauseous and nothing sat right in my stomach. I would have one bite of a sandwich and feel stuffed, or i'd be too nauseous to eat period. At that time I was only 110 pounds soaking wet to begin with because I was a gymnast but the lack of eating made me skeletal. I was borderline eating disorder because I physically COULDN'T eat. One day I looked at myself in the mirror, hollow eyes, dark circles, a twig, no curves. I said out loud "This is f.ucking ridiculous." So I drove myself to the A&W Drive In and ordered a double cheeseburger with bacon, large coke and large fries. Brought it back to my apartment, laid it all out on my bed, sat there and said, "I don't give a s.hit how long this takes you KatZee. You are going to eat every piece of food that's in front of you." And that's what I did. I moved to a new state to start graduate school and met all new people. Started a new job. Met new friends. Met a new guy. That's when things started looking up. I started caring about my appearance again, focused on school and being healthy. Being proactive is what gets you places. Not feeling sorry for yourself or giving in to the pain and hurt. With my current ex, I moved on in literal months. I'm 8 months out and perfectly fine. I never pulled any of the stunts that I pulled with my first love. He dumped me, and that was it. He never heard from me again. I didn't play games with NC, or LC or catching up or trying to be a friend. I completely cut him out, cleansed my life. Got a new apartment. Reconnected with old friends. Made new friends. Forced myself to go out. Forced myself to be social. Became more outgoing. Got new clothes. Grew out my hair. Excelled at my new job. Got new hobbies. I started to thrive. Edited January 3, 2013 by KatZee 3
Author Zammo25 Posted January 3, 2013 Author Posted January 3, 2013 Thanks Kat. I wake up every night in a panic thinking my life is now over you see I am 50 now broke. career going nowhere and feel it is all over. Close to the edge and my problems seem unsumountable now. It is just impossible.
KatZee Posted January 3, 2013 Posted January 3, 2013 Thanks Kat. I wake up every night in a panic thinking my life is now over you see I am 50 now broke. career going nowhere and feel it is all over. Close to the edge and my problems seem unsumountable now. It is just impossible. Nah, it's really not. You gotta switch the mindset up. Stop focusing on negative. Focus on the positive. Career going no where? Change it up. You're 50, not 95. You have many great years left. Broke? Pass the time by taking up an extra job. This will kill two birds. You'll have extra income, and you'll meet all new people! New friends, new buddies, new drinking partners.
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