nineyearsgone79 Posted January 3, 2013 Posted January 3, 2013 (edited) Well.. I haven't been on LS in quite a while. I am in a bit of a dilemmna made by my own doing. To summarize a long story: I was in a 9 year relationship that was part in person part online. I wanted to be together during that time but he had reasons since we just graduated college (money, work etc.) I tried to make it work & got a job in nyc offered him to stay with me for free.. he said he was afraid we wouldn't get along if he moved across country or that his art wouldn't be accepted (he's a painter).. yet he strung me along for additional years. Fast forward the end of our relationship.. he broke up with me in an email very short 4 sentences no reason why.. just said he wanted to find happiness and move on and to not contact him again. We didn't fight.. so I didn't understand why he did it that way. He never did respond he vanished. I got no response from my emails for 3 months until I told him I wanted to return his things and maybe meet up at starbucks to talk. He wrote back first letter since breakup day b4 thanksgiving giving a few very small reasons why he left saying he wouldn't meet up with me to just move on and not contact him again. Little details that had bothered him all that time.. that he didn't like that I asked his hopes and dreams. He didn't like that how I got frustrated with my boss. He didn't like the friendship I had with a male that I went to grad school with in nyc.. the friend had kissed me and I told the BF that I said I wasn't interested in this friend. Anyway.. I wrote back that i was sorry and I would leave him alone as he had requested in both letters. Fast Forward 1 year later.. I had been doing so good but one day wrote him on Christmas a simple hello letter with how the year went. He ignored it. I was ok for a while then started looking online to see what he had been up to. I found out he had started dating his sister in law a day after he dumped me. The pain came back now with great force. Everything I thought I knew about him was shattered.. that he could move on so quickly and coldly.. and lead me to believe it was me that was a bad person and not a good gf. For the last 2 years once in a while I would send emails (maybe 5 a year).. just talking about how my life has been. I know stupid of me. It became almost cathartic.. I knew he wasn't reading them and it felt good writing about the good things in my life.. my new relationship and trips I have gone on places I got to see. I felt fine with this setup with my occasional emails. Sometimes though I would think about my old relationship and would get sad because he took 9 years from me and i'm now mid 30's.. and won't be able to have the large family i had wanted with my current man because of that guy who took all of my 20's away. From time to time I would feel I wanted him to feel the sadness i felt and I would do stupid things. I would sign him up for dumb online lists or well just dumb stuff to annoy him without contacting him directly. I know I shouldn't have but I felt frustrated and hurt & ignored and it just built up and had to come out in some way. Anyway.. I stopped things for a while.. this stuff was once in a while maybe every 3 months. I almost felt like being ignored was driving me crazy in a way.. like i was fighting with a ghost. Anyway, a few days ago after new years I posted his breakup letter on an art blog and tagged him in it.. writing him publicly nothing personal personal but that i hoped he was doing well and that i'd write him privately but he'd ignore me etc after he had dumped me and vanished. Anyway.. I know this was all wrong.. I've been eating myself up inside. So last night he wrote me.. he had seen the post and wrote me how he just wanted to live his life. He said he liked my 2010 letter (the letter after the 1 year) and how he wanted to write back but was afraid to give me the wrong idea he said. By this time I was with someone for 5 months. Anyway.. he mentioned in this letter how he was annoyed by the email junk things i had sent to him and all that.. and he now said he ended it because of the kiss from the friend. .. which wasn't anything so I don't know. Anyway.. when I read that he had read all of my letters over the years I was in a way scared. I wrote them as almost journals of the year. I didn't think he cared to read them and just sent them to his trash bin. Nothing bad was in them just talking about maybe a movie we saw or christmas gifts .. stuff that made me feel better to write down. Anyway.. now that I got my wish that he would write back I don't like it. I almost responded last night but didn't have anything to say .. isn't that weird? I wish he could unsend his email so I can go about my day and in 2 months write my summary email. I think this has simmered with me so long I had built a weird routine that became comfortable.. and him writing me (and i know it was only because of my public post).. makes me feel odd and uncomfortable. What felt strange also.. was in his letter he was going over the reasons why he left. I know he might think that was what I wanted to hear that I didn't understand why he left. I do understand why he left.. I wrote him throughout the year not to try to win him back or something. I wrote because it comforted me sending those letters.. it felt good writing them talking about all the accomplishments I was making in my career and with my newer relationship.. fun things we were doing. It was as if in a way he wasn't even in my mind.. just a phantom to send them to. I feel like now it is time for me to be the person who doesn't write back.. because I don't want to write responding to his critique of me in our relationship what I didn't do or did.. at this point I don't care about that. I will miss writing though.. and journaling to myself never felt as good. What an odd situation.. reading his words made me realize that the man I'm with now is so much better. Why do you think this most recent letter from him).. makes me feel so differently? Edited January 3, 2013 by nineyearsgone79
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