Commitment & trust issues? I can't say 'I love you' to my bf

[Arabella]

The title says it all... but let me elaborate. TL;DR at the bottom.

 

For background: we were pretty good friends for a few months while I was engaged and he was very supportive of me when I ended the engagement. A few months after the break-up, I initiated a physical relationship with him, but neither of us wanted a relationship at the time as I was very emotionally damaged. As time went on and I began to heal, this changed, and we became official after four months. I posted a number of threads about our relationship, if anyone is curious about the full story of how things developed.

 

Even though we've only been official for a couple months, the relationship never really changed much after gaining the title. Prior to that, we were very much a couple already. Went on vacations together, saw each other all the time and he spent nights at my place, etc. We were just very careful and emotionally distant. Or so we told each other, anyways. So now, here we are.

 

We joke around a lot and have play-fights all the time. We're not very serious people. He occasionally says things like "I thought we loved each other" or when I playfully reject him for a hug, he'll respond "but I love you". I know he's playing around but also that he's testing the waters.... and I always joke it off and never reciprocate.

 

He's always been a very emotionally withdrawn man (but that is changing), and I know that one of these days he's going to drop it on me, and there won't be games to hide behind. I need to figure out what's going on.

 

My relationship history is pretty colorful from when I was 20 all the way to today -- I'm 29.

 

- Ex husband: Married too young -- I was 20, he was 26. I moved across the world to be with him. He was inexperienced and socially awkward. He had a history of depression and tried to commit suicide numerous times. The relationship broke down for many other reasons after four years of marriage, and I left him, but we both moved on and maintained a close friendship. He confessed a few years later (March 2012) that he cheated on me during our second year together. I couldn't forgive him and ended the friendship.

 

- Guy after leaving husband also had major issues... Bipolar, liar, cheater, drug user. Never fallen as hard as I did for him (before I knew who he really was). Up until the last day I spoke with him, he was still telling me he loved me. Broke my heart horribly. It was very difficult for me to walk away... took me a good two years to heal from this. I drew much-needed boundaries after this, and became much more cautious emotionally.

 

- Most recent ex (who I was engaged to) still lingers around asking me back. Good person, but much younger with no sense of responsibility... and had a chronic lying problem also. During and after our relationship, he killed the meaning of the words "I love you" by saying them so often (like five times a day) and weaving them in between lies. Cemented the trust issues I already had from ex's above. Ending the engagement was very difficult and nearly broke us both.

 

- Current bf: Somewhat inexperienced in relationships, but he's a good, hard working man...and he's always been supportive, and rock-solid emotionally. I've caught him in minor fibs. They were told to save face (ie regarding sexual experience -- or lack thereof) and to maintain the "bro code", but due to my past, I'm stupidly good at detecting them and I called him on them. He was ashamed. Even though I know he hasn't lied about anything major... due to my history with other men, it makes me uncomfortable. He knows about it all.

 

So here we are. I really do care for this man. I want to be with him. I've told him this. I make a point of showing him that I care... Due to my history, I live by the saying of "actions speak louder than words". But I know that he needs to hear it, and I just can't bring myself to say "I love you" to him. I don't know why. Am I not in love? Or is it because of the fibs he told, he somehow planted the seed of doubt in my mind? How do I fix me?

 

Please give me your thoughts.

 

 

-Arabella

 

 

TL;DR: I have been with a man for 6 months, and I have yet to say "I love you" to him. My relationship history full of cheaters and liars... He has dropped the love word in a playful non-direct way, which I don't reciprocate. What's my problem?

[TouchedByViolet]

He has dropped the love word in a playful non-direct way, which I don't reciprocate. What's my problem?

 

You don't love him. Just a guess.

[Arabella]

You don't love him. Just a guess.

 

I do care about him very much, and I want to be with him. I can't imagine not having him in my life. Is that different from love? Certainly isn't the crazy kind of infatuation I used to be capable of... but does that mean it's not love at all?

 

-A

[TouchedByViolet]

I do care about him very much, and I want to be with him. I can't imagine not having him in my life. Is that different from love? Certainly isn't the crazy kind of infatuation I used to be capable of... but does that mean it's not love at all?

 

-A

 

Love is different for people so I'm not sure how you define it. If I was in your shoes I would call that love. Enjoying someone's company, caring about them, wanting to be with them, and missing them when they are not around pretty much some up love when you have been with someone for 6 months. But that is just me. Sounds like you have more complex emotional factors at work.

 

You are not associating him with love or you would have said ILY. Only you know if it's because of some of your own issues or because he just doesn't do it for you.

[FitChick]

Your pattern is "loving" men who cheat, lie and treat you badly. Perhaps deep down you believe you are not lovable or worth loving. This man is a nice, loving man who deserves better. Get your act together so you can appreciate him and find out what real love is or dump him so he can find someone more like himself. You know you'll dump him anyway when you find another bad boy who fits your pattern.

[Arabella]

Your pattern is "loving" men who cheat, lie and treat you badly. Perhaps deep down you believe you are not lovable or worth loving. This man is a nice, loving man who deserves better. Get your act together so you can appreciate him and find out what real love is or dump him so he can find someone more like himself. You know you'll dump him anyway when you find another bad boy who fits your pattern.

 

Woah, way to judge!

 

The men I've been with were FAR from what you're describing. They were men with mental issues, yes, but far from the player, bad boy type you're talking about. TWO of the four men I've been with were virgins when we met, for pete's sake.

 

My act is pretty damn together, and that's the reason why I'm here. I want to make sure I'm doing the right thing by both of us by figuring out what my problem is.

 

Give me some credit here, please :/

 

-A

[xpaperxcutx]

I have to agree with FitChick. It sounds like your bf has it all together but you still need to work out some kinks about yourself.

 

Considering your dating history, you might be prone to project past hurt onto your current boyfriend and that is why you have a hard time expressing emotions especially when it comes to love. You just need to be more open and love truly cannot be forced. Give the relationship a little more time and for your feelings to truly develop.

[Radu]

Your pattern is "loving" men who cheat, lie and treat you badly. Perhaps deep down you believe you are not lovable or worth loving. This man is a nice, loving man who deserves better. Get your act together so you can appreciate him and find out what real love is or dump him so he can find someone more like himself. You know you'll dump him anyway when you find another bad boy who fits your pattern.

 

This.

 

Is it really that hard to tell him this when he pops the direct ILY :

'Look guy, in many ways i feel the same, i miss you when you are not here, i look forward to seeing you, i enjoy your company.

But i'm broken, this is my pattern of romance, and it is obvious that something is wrong with me since i'm the common factor here.

So, why don't we go slowly, i go into therapy and try to work things out.

In the meantime pls don't tell me ILY anymore.

I do in fact feel like ILY too, but i get panicky whenever i hear it, i feel like i need to reciprocate and i just can't come out to say it, even though i do feel it for you.'

 

Is it really that hard to be this straightforward and not play a victim part ?

 

LE: You are the common factor in all of that.

You pick ppl with problems.

Ppl who are hurt, or damaged.

Find out why.

Or else you will lose this guy too, who sounds pretty ok.

[NoMoreJerks]

Considering your dating history, you might be prone to project past hurt onto your current boyfriend and that is why you have a hard time expressing emotions especially when it comes to love.

My ex was like this. NEVER said "I love you." Still wanted to hang out with me, missed me when we weren't together, etc. But at the 6-month mark, whenever I told him I loved him, he wouldn't reciprocate, would tell me he just cared about me as a really good friend. I never understood what the issue was, but I think it was because he was not over his last ex (who had dumped him). I think he still had hope that she would come back to him. He still kept in touch with her, and now that I think about it, his patterned-code for his phone was "Z", the first letter of her name. I only realized the significance of the Z yesterday, 6 months later! Possibly feelings of guilt on his part? That he was betraying her? That he had to stay "true" to her, in case she came back? That if he professed feelings for someone else, it would mean it was over for him and his ex? I don't think that he had truly accepted that it was over between them. Also, he was bitter about her dumping him, and always made comments about how women were trouble (he said this especially after we had an argument or something like that, no matter how small the argument was). Sure, it may have been manipulation on his part, too. I don't know. It's possible that he was never interested in me and was just a player, using me for sex, and that's why he never said I love you, but I do think that he cared about me, to some extent.

 

IMO, Fitchick is right -- you seem to be attracted to men who have issues (even if they might not be bad boys). My ex had a pattern of being attracted to women who treated him bad, and because I didn't, he dumped me. The only time I said anything mean/nasty to him was when he dumped me the first time around, and I begged him to take me back, which he did, only for me to dump him becuse he refused to talk to me (I was distraught at the sudden decision to dump me). When I dumped him, I told him he had been using me, and that I refused to be treated like an object and thrown around, etc. He texted me back, saying, you're right, it won't work between us, and an hour later, texted me again, saying, i had made an unfair comment but that he understood why I had made it, and that I deserved better than him. And then, when I didn't reply to that, he texted me 8 days later, saying he hoped we could "at least still be friends." I didn't respond. 2 days later , he called me, and wanted to get back together, which is what I wanted too.. then, 3 months later, he dumped me again. This time, it seems final. Maybe because there is someone else in the picture, or maybe he realized I'm too nice for him, and I guess that was too stressful for him because then he felt he had to reciprocate that, or to deliver according to my expectations to be treated the same way.

Edited January 3, 2013 by NoMoreJerks

[Arabella]

Considering your dating history, you might be prone to project past hurt onto your current boyfriend and that is why you have a hard time expressing emotions especially when it comes to love. You just need to be more open and love truly cannot be forced. Give the relationship a little more time and for your feelings to truly develop.

 

What you say about projecting my past hurt onto him rings kind of true.

 

When we first got involved, it kinda felt like I was into it more than he was. He seemed somewhat distant... and he told me he had to be that way so he wouldn't hurt when he lost me. We always thought it was a temporary arrangement and we'd eventually go back to being friends. But that's not how it played out.. Instead, we became a couple, and things slowly evened out after we made it official, but by then I'd lost some of the edge to my enthusiasm because of the distance I felt from him.

 

Saying "I love you" to him feels like a whole new level of vulnerability that really scares me.... like, what if after I allow myself to go there, he just reverts back to being distant, or turns out to be another liar?

 

So now it feels like HIS feelings are progressing, while I remain guarded.

[Arabella]

This.

 

Is it really that hard to tell him this when he pops the direct ILY :

'Look guy, in many ways i feel the same, i miss you when you are not here, i look forward to seeing you, i enjoy your company.

But i'm broken, this is my pattern of romance, and it is obvious that something is wrong with me since i'm the common factor here.

So, why don't we go slowly, i go into therapy and try to work things out.

In the meantime pls don't tell me ILY anymore.

I do in fact feel like ILY too, but i get panicky whenever i hear it, i feel like i need to reciprocate and i just can't come out to say it, even though i do feel it for you.'

 

Is it really that hard to be this straightforward and not play a victim part ?

 

I'm the most straightforward person you'll ever meet. Unlike most women, I say what I mean and I mean what I say. Always.

 

I'm not playing the victim, nor do I have any intention of misleading him. Please don't make such assumptions about me. I'm simply confused about what's going on.

 

If it comes to that, worry not... I can and will say that to him. I've always been 100% honest with him. But first, I need to figure out what the issue actually is.

[Radu]

I did not mention the victim part because i thought you might want to play it.

I mentioned it because he might misunderstand if he is truly a nice guy.

Nice guys like being the white knight.

[Arabella]

I did not mention the victim part because i thought you might want to play it.

I mentioned it because he might misunderstand if he is truly a nice guy.

Nice guys like being the white knight.

 

He is a nice guy, and that's one of the many things I like about him. But I'm just not the kind of woman that takes advantage of that.

 

I'm pretty sure that he's thinking if I haven't said it is because I don't feel it. He knows that, because of my straightforward nature, if I felt, I'd have said it.

 

When I got with my ex-fiance, he told me he loved it within weeks. It took me 4 months to truly believe I loved him and tell him so.

 

This time it's different because while I feel all those things that most people consider love, I'm hesitant to put that name on it. I'm starting to think that perhaps it's because I don't want to make myself more vulnerable, or because I feel that like it's somehow going to jinx the relationship. I don't know.

 

That's why I'm here.

[PhoenixRysing]

I have a somewhat different perspective here because I feel I recognize a bit of myself in you.

 

You said something that made me wonder, "Saying "I love you" to him feels like a whole new level of vulnerability that really scares me.... like, what if after I allow myself to go there, he just reverts back to being distant, or turns out to be another liar?"

 

I know for me, when I have a wall up, the last line before that wall finally crumbles is verbalizing what I feel. Somehow, if I don't say it, it isn't real and I maintain my distance. The minute I say it out loud, it becomes real.

 

That said, there are two things at play here. One is the question of whether you really are in love with him. Because of your past you have to question whether you don't think it is love because it lacks the passion, drama, and "edge" of your prior relationships. Can you feel a different kind of comfortable love and enjoy that? Or do you need fire? Can you get the fire without the chaos?

 

The second, you may not know until you say it. If you verbalize your love for him, thus making it real to you and to him, will it cause the final wall to break for you? Perhaps and given your experiences, that is understandably scary. The queston is, is he worth the risk? If you say it, mean it, and feel it - he may very well turn out to be a liar, a cheater, a crazy person later. So what? If you aren't going anywhere then I say jump in with both feet and throw your trepidation out the window.

 

If you are anything like me, you will always be happier knowing you loved fully and it not working out, then wondering what would happened if you let yourself go.

 

Each man is his own entity. Don't let jerks drive your future.

 

So - do you love him? Take the risk.

[FitChick]

you don't think it is love because it lacks the passion, drama, and "edge" of your prior relationships. Can you feel a different kind of comfortable love and enjoy that?

 

If you say it, mean it, and feel it - he may very well turn out to be a liar, a cheater, a crazy person later. So what? If you aren't going anywhere then I say jump in with both feet and throw your trepidation out the window.

 

If you are anything like me, you will always be happier knowing you loved fully and it not working out, then wondering what would happened if you let yourself go.

I blame chick lit and chick flicks for the misguided views of what "love" is. They get it so wrong but it makes for a good story, right?

 

So many people sabotage themselves, i.e. "If s/he doesn't say it first, I won't say it" or "I am afraid of being hurt."

 

I have no problems telling a man my true feelings, good or bad. The worst feeling in the world is regret and that is something you can control.

[PhoenixRysing]

I blame chick lit and chick flicks for the misguided views of what "love" is. They get it so wrong but it makes for a good story, right?

 

So many people sabotage themselves, i.e. "If s/he doesn't say it first, I won't say it" or "I am afraid of being hurt."

 

I have no problems telling a man my true feelings, good or bad. The worst feeling in the world is regret and that is something you can control.

 

Exactly. And in life, I would rather regret the things I have done than the things I haven't! There is nothing worse than life unlived accept perhaps a love that could have been.

 

OK - now I am waxing philosophical... and starting to sound like a motivational sticker. Feel free to shoot me.

[NoMoreJerks]

I blame chick lit and chick flicks for the misguided views of what "love" is. They get it so wrong but it makes for a good story, right?

Well, I agree. But men are just as affected by this false fairy-tale notion of what "love" is, as chicks..

[PhoenixRysing]

Well, I agree. But men are just as affected by this false fairy-tale notion of what "love" is, as chicks..

 

True. Ever noticed how much fear and uncertainty feel like butterflies? We would all be better off if we knew the difference.

[Juventa2012]

I blame chick lit and chick flicks for the misguided views of what "love" is. They get it so wrong but it makes for a good story, right?

 

So many people sabotage themselves, i.e. "If s/he doesn't say it first, I won't say it" or "I am afraid of being hurt."

 

I have no problems telling a man my true feelings, good or bad. The worst feeling in the world is regret and that is something you can control.

 

I was in a one year relationship with a man, waiting for him to say it first. Turns out, I said it first and I believe it was a big mistake on my part.

I got hurt! I do regret it. He never said it back so I left.

[NoMoreJerks]

I told mine about 4 months in. He never reciprocated. I told him again 6 months in, and he told me he doesn't love me. Then dumped me (for the 2nd time), after he knew he wouldn't be sent to my country for work for the most part (so no sex )..

[Arabella]

I blame chick lit and chick flicks for the misguided views of what "love" is. They get it so wrong but it makes for a good story, right?

 

So many people sabotage themselves, i.e. "If s/he doesn't say it first, I won't say it" or "I am afraid of being hurt."

 

I have no problems telling a man my true feelings, good or bad. The worst feeling in the world is regret and that is something you can control.

 

That's... simply irrelevant to my situation. I don't consider that kind of relationship to be love. In fact, most of my relationships, I ended because they were messed up and dysfunctional and I knew they weren't healthy to me. I tried for a long time, some even years... but ultimately I had to let go and move on.

 

Unfortunately, these attempts came at a cost. Even if I did eventually leave, they took their toll on me. Nowadays, I am very reserved emotionally and I have obvious trust issues.

 

It's not to say, however, that I cannot love someone who doesn't provide any drama. That's what I always wanted, and one of the things I cherish the most about my current boyfriend.

 

Though I disagree with most you've said as I feel you've terribly misjudged me and my situation, I do agree with your last point wholeheartedly. Regret is a terrible feeling to have in life. I shall take it to heart...

 

-A

[xxoo]

I do care about him very much, and I want to be with him. I can't imagine not having him in my life. Is that different from love? Certainly isn't the crazy kind of infatuation I used to be capable of... but does that mean it's not love at all?

 

-A

 

What are the differences between the feelings you have for him and the feelings you've had when you felt "in love"?

[Arabella]

[snip]

I know for me, when I have a wall up, the last line before that wall finally crumbles is verbalizing what I feel. Somehow, if I don't say it, it isn't real and I maintain my distance. The minute I say it out loud, it becomes real.

 

That said, there are two things at play here. One is the question of whether you really are in love with him. Because of your past you have to question whether you don't think it is love because it lacks the passion, drama, and "edge" of your prior relationships. Can you feel a different kind of comfortable love and enjoy that? Or do you need fire? Can you get the fire without the chaos?

 

Thank you for your post. I think you really nailed it.

 

I am terrified of this becoming "real". Like I'm not ready to do that all over again... invest my heart and soul into someone only to have it torn to shreds.

 

I don't think the fact that this relationship lacks drama is an issue. Not all of my prior relationships were that sort of passionate, drama-filled romances. Some were quite slow and remained tepid throughout....

 

However, the lack of sexual passion might be a factor. He does not have a very high sex drive, and I do. The fact that he does not want me as much (or as often?) as I want him does temper my feelings somewhat... and it makes me wonder if it will get worse over time.

[Arabella]

What are the differences between the feelings you have for him and the feelings you've had when you felt "in love"?

 

I don't think that was "love"... but rather, the infatuation of someone young who hasn't been hurt badly enough to learn the lesson of caution...

 

I feel like I'm simply not capable of that teenager love anymore. I'm simply too guarded for that.

 

I once posted in this forum saying that I'd rather never feel that kind of feeling again, than be hurt like I was once it ended. I stand by that... for the most part.

 

-A