Over after almost a year

January 3, 2013

Today is going to be hard.

Things haven't been as close and loving as they should be and we both know it, so it really surprised me this week when he asked if I would ever consider marrying him. It wasn't a proposal, he was just posing the question. We were watching a movie and I asked him to pause it so I could answer, but he didn't want to. I love him, and I know he wanted a simple "of course I would!", but I couldn't give him that. I can write a list of why he is a great partner; in fact, I did the last time we almost broke up and I gave it to him. But, despite all of the great things, there are issues that need to be worked on.

One issue is that he is depressed and has anxiety but is unsure and/or unwilling to do anything about it. At times, it's hard to be around him. The larger problem that has been weighing on me is that he wants to stay at a job where he doesn't earn enough to pay his bills. He is in debt, with bill collectors calling frequently. His living situation is pretty bad but he has very cheap rent so can't afford to move anywhere else. I was confused about the marriage topic when we haven't even talked about living together. To me, that would be the next logical step, and one I had hoped would happen.

So after almost a year, we broke up last night. It was a sad and calm talk that ended in him saying that we are just at different points and perhaps if we'd met at a different time then things would've worked out. I can't go on with the way the relationship is, so I accepted his choice, gave him a hug and left. I feel awful, but I don't see an immediate solution. He is still learning/growing, but I've already gone through that phase. I'm ready, emotionally and financially, to make a long term committment to someone. I want a home and a family someday and I'll do what it takes to get there. Is it so wrong that after a year I want a partner who not only has similar desires, but also the drive to get them?

I guess I'll try to stay calm and refocus my energy on other things. I don't know what else to do.

Edited January 3, 2013 by ScienceGal

January 3, 2013

Not at all, I ended my relationship with my ex of a year a few weeks ago over financial and future issues. She had major debt, and massive in you include student loans, and she still buys a $200 item for herself every month...we couldn't agree on money spending and she didn't like the idea of someone else telling her how to spend her money when we weren't married, but she just didn't seem to get that her decisions now where going to affect me down the road because I like you am ready to make a long term commitment and I need someone who is financially stable, not someone who makes bad decisions.

Good luck, I know it is rough, but you made the right decision that was beset for you

January 3, 2013

Thanks for your response. I'm trying to stay positive and hold reason over emotion.

I've never understood how getting married suddenly entitles someone to have more input, yet it seems a lot of people feel that way. "Marry me and see then" doesn't really make sense though. The facets in a relationship don't change after marriage, so when you're planning to be with someone long term, all important issues (e.g. finances) need to be discussed and somewhat agreed upon.

January 3, 2013

Today is going to be hard.

Things haven't been as close and loving as they should be and we both know it, so it really surprised me this week when he asked if I would ever consider marrying him. It wasn't a proposal, he was just posing the question. We were watching a movie and I asked him to pause it so I could answer, but he didn't want to. I love him, and I know he wanted a simple "of course I would!", but I couldn't give him that. I can write a list of why he is a great partner; in fact, I did the last time we almost broke up and I gave it to him. But, despite all of the great things, there are issues that need to be worked on.

One issue is that he is depressed and has anxiety but is unsure and/or unwilling to do anything about it. At times, it's hard to be around him. The larger problem that has been weighing on me is that he wants to stay at a job where he doesn't earn enough to pay his bills. He is in debt, with bill collectors calling frequently. His living situation is pretty bad but he has very cheap rent so can't afford to move anywhere else. I was confused about the marriage topic when we haven't even talked about living together. To me, that would be the next logical step, and one I had hoped would happen.

So after almost a year, we broke up last night. It was a sad and calm talk that ended in him saying that we are just at different points and perhaps if we'd met at a different time then things would've worked out. I can't go on with the way the relationship is, so I accepted his choice, gave him a hug and left. I feel awful, but I don't see an immediate solution. He is still learning/growing, but I've already gone through that phase. I'm ready, emotionally and financially, to make a long term committment to someone. I want a home and a family someday and I'll do what it takes to get there. Is it so wrong that after a year I want a partner who not only has similar desires, but also the drive to get them?

I guess I'll try to stay calm and refocus my energy on other things. I don't know what else to do.

at least you were honest about your feelings. this is the type of post i love seeing, though i hate how upsetting it must be of course. you've spent a year and haven't seen any changes or movement toward a solid "future", so you have every right to walk away.

the biggest thing you'll be facing now is staying disconnected. it doesn't sound like lack of love here, and it will be so easy to fall back into your routine or relationship.

January 3, 2013

I can't fall back. I'm 31, and I can't stay with someone who isn't even close to being ready to take a step forward in the relationship after a year. It breaks my heart because he was truly good to me in many ways. I want to settle down though and I can't just wait and hope he will figure things out in his own time. What's a priority to me apparently isn't to him. It's so sad.

January 3, 2013

I can't fall back. I'm 31, and I can't stay with someone who isn't even close to being ready to take a step forward in the relationship after a year. It breaks my heart because he was truly good to me in many ways. I want to settle down though and I can't just wait and hope he will figure things out in his own time. What's a priority to me apparently isn't to him. It's so sad.

the only thing i would say, i mean, if you've never discussed any of this with him then it's a little unfair to have all these ideals of your future life that he is totally unaware of. and i mean VOCALLY expressed this in literal terms, not hints or simply expecting him to read your mind.

if these were discussed and he is showing no signs of merging with you...then you're making the right decision. if you haven't given him the slightest chance of understanding and changing "with" you...then perhaps you should be a little more honest with him before giving up entirely.

January 3, 2013

I've told him what I want, and also that I don't have a specific timeline but I do want to move in that direction. He wants the same things, but it seems it's going to take him a lot longer to get there. He is ok just going about his day and not planning for the future. Last night was the first time I specifically talked about us living together. The truth is he can't afford to move. He said he didn't even know I was thinking about living together. It's true, I never said anything before because well, I knew the answer.

Tonight it has hit me hard emotionally, just as I knew it would, as soon as the work day was done and I could come home and be alone. I'm a sopping mess. So now the frenzy of irrational thoughts and unanswerable questions can begin. Did he really love me? Will he change his mind? What the f is wrong with him?! And what the f is wrong with me?! Hopefully I don't start second guessing and putting blame on myself, I tend to do that during these times. One thing I can count on, and I can thank LS members for, is that I will not reach out to him. I've learned and I have full restraint in this department.

I guess I thought if he loved me that a life with me would mean the world to him. I thought it would ignite a spark that would make him want to get his life in a better place for himself, and for our relationship. I thought I mattered more.

He is the one that decided the timing is wrong and he doesn't want what I do right now. He doesn't want me right now. exhale.

Edited January 4, 2013 by ScienceGal

January 7, 2013

I guess I thought if he loved me that a life with me would mean the world to him. I thought it would ignite a spark that would make him want to get his life in a better place for himself, and for our relationship. I thought I mattered more.

I felt the same way. My ex didn't have financial or career problems, but he was rather emotionally closed, so I didn't feel motivated to invest any further.

I do believe than when a man is able and ready, he will move mountains to solidify the relationship with the woman he loves. If my presence in his life doesn't motivate my guy in that way, I'd rather move on and light someone else's fire.

January 7, 2013

[quote=ScienceGal;4493041

I guess I thought if he loved me that a life with me would mean the world to him. I thought it would ignite a spark that would make him want to get his life in a better place for himself, and for our relationship. I thought I mattered more.

Mmmhmm. You hit the nail on the head. When he and I first met, his world revolved around me. He would go out at night with friends and would spend the entire time texting me even despite my telling him to just have a good time. It's gut-wrenching to go from that to this place we're in now

January 7, 2013

Absolutely gut wrenching. I'm now angry at him and blame him for giving up. When I start to feel sorry for him, I need to hold onto that anger and remind myself that this was his choice.

January 7, 2013

I felt the same way. My ex didn't have financial or career problems, but he was rather emotionally closed, so I didn't feel motivated to invest any further.

I do believe than when a man is able and ready, he will move mountains to solidify the relationship with the woman he loves. If my presence in his life doesn't motivate my guy in that way, I'd rather move on and light someone else's fire.

these things...sometimes we just don't know. as men, i mean. we can be happy and perfect, and not even be thinking about the future...even though we have already thought we would be spending our future with you. we may just not SAY it.

January 7, 2013

these things...sometimes we just don't know. as men, i mean. we can be happy and perfect, and not even be thinking about the future...even though we have already thought we would be spending our future with you. we may just not SAY it.

I think that if a man really loves a woman and sees her as the right woman for him, he'll make sure she KNOWS that he wants a future with her, he'll communicate it with words, and he'll take action to make it happen. If not, he's most likely not ready for that with anyone, or he's not sure she's the right woman for him.

I didn't take it personally that my ex didn't make things clear with me. I just recognized that we're not on the same page and moved on.

January 7, 2013

He was thinking and showing signs he wanted a future with me (referencing kids and marriage within the week before our split). Due to the communication issues and financial talks, the night we split he was crying and kept saying "I am not what you want". I think it's BS. If you're in love with someone and they tell you all they want is to build a future with you, to move in together and be in love.. you don't leave them and have a pity party for yourself. You step up and make it happen. I obviously know he doesn't make much money, but I still wanted to be with him. I still wanted to work it out.

I think right now he is feeling low and bad for himself because he isn't financially in a place to go 50/50 with me. Wish we could've actually discussed the logistics of living together.

It's day 5 since the split and actually only day 1 of no contact. I still have hope.

January 7, 2013

The night we split I left my wine glass and bottle by his bed. I didn't notice that night, but a couple days later I saw that he posted a photo of it online and the caption was how many days we had been together and a frown face. Also in one of his messages to me this weekend he wrote how the wine was evaporating and wondered how he would feel when it was gone (obviously he hasn't moved it from where I left it).

Why would he do this?

January 7, 2013

I think that if a man really loves a woman and sees her as the right woman for him, he'll make sure she KNOWS that he wants a future with her, he'll communicate it with words, and he'll take action to make it happen. If not, he's most likely not ready for that with anyone, or he's not sure she's the right woman for him.

I didn't take it personally that my ex didn't make things clear with me. I just recognized that we're not on the same page and moved on.

I 100% agree with you that a man will make sure a woman knows his intentions to be with her. I think thats why he made the marriage comment and the children comment a couple days later. Unfortunately for us, we had poor communication and he was in a position of feeling like he isn't "good enough". Heck, he even found out I was on here and never told me! He said he just wanted to know what I was thinking (I was somewhat closed off). I didn't post that much during those times, but still.. A man who feels like that is not going to open up. We just needed to be more open. Ugh.. Now I'm getting upset again.

January 7, 2013

No prob, Gru! Glad you're at least communicating with her. I really hope it works out for you.

Were you the one to call the relationship off?

And I am giving him space, complete NC as of yesterday morning. although, in emailing this past weekend he asked to swap belongings this week. I told him to let me know what day and he hasn't let me know yet.

January 7, 2013

I can't fall back. I'm 31, and I can't stay with someone who isn't even close to being ready to take a step forward in the relationship after a year. It breaks my heart because he was truly good to me in many ways. I want to settle down though and I can't just wait and hope he will figure things out in his own time. What's a priority to me apparently isn't to him. It's so sad.

That something I've had issue with in the past as well. I'm about to be 36. I dont have time to drag things out in super-slow motion.

Relationships take time, yes, but invest enough time in the relationship to esnure you spend enough time together so that after a year, clear progress is being made.

Call me impatient, but my last relationship is a good example. We were together for 5 years and STILL not married. My fiance's second-oldest daughter dated her BF for about 1 year before they got engaged.

I kept telling her "Look...if you dont see us getting married within the next year, I can't do this anymore." Hell, even her own MOTHER who is 83 told her "You gotta either commit yourself to this man who has given you SO much, or let him to go be with someone who will."

the next time, IF...there is a next time...I'm not spending five goddamn years waiting.

3 months of "dating" and if we're not bf/gf status...Im out

6 months of "dating" and if we aren't "exclusive" in a "committed relationship...im out.

18 months later its engagement...or im out.

plain and simple. I dont have time to waste with games anymore.

January 7, 2013

The night we split I left my wine glass and bottle by his bed. I didn't notice that night, but a couple days later I saw that he posted a photo of it online and the caption was how many days we had been together and a frown face. Also in one of his messages to me this weekend he wrote how the wine was evaporating and wondered how he would feel when it was gone (obviously he hasn't moved it from where I left it).

Why would he do this?

i'm pretty confused here. it sounds like this break up was initiated by YOU, when he asked about the marriage, and you weren't seeing him as marriage material. it then sounded like to save his respect/dignity he seemed to agree that breaking up is the right thing to do, given he apparently isn't good enough for you.

but now you seem to be playing the victim card?? if i've misunderstood, i apologize. didn't seem like he wanted to end anything obviously as he asked if you saw yourself marrying him.

January 7, 2013

He was thinking and showing signs he wanted a future with me (referencing kids and marriage within the week before our split). Due to the communication issues and financial talks, the night we split he was crying and kept saying "I am not what you want". I think it's BS.

My ex showed signs and made suggestions, too, but just that wasn't enough.

If a guy comes right out and says he's not the one you want, believe him. Disqualifying oneself is just about the weakest thing anybody can do. I mean, he's telling you he's not what you want. He can't spell it out any more clearly.

I obviously know he doesn't make much money, but I still wanted to be with him. I still wanted to work it out.

Some people don't have the capacity/ability to be in a real relationship. I know a guy like this. He admits he's chronically lazy and can barely support himself, so he targets insecure women with good jobs to take care of him. Of course, he's never really that interested in these women, so he whines throughout the relationship about not being that attracted to "such an angel". He's a real piece of work! It baffles me that these women settle for the crumbs he has to offer.

I think right now he is feeling low and bad for himself because he isn't financially in a place to go 50/50 with me. Wish we could've actually discussed the logistics of living together.

If he were really motivated to make things work with you, he would have made sure to have that talk with you, to hammer out how you could make it happen. But he didn't.

The night we split I left my wine glass and bottle by his bed. I didn't notice that night, but a couple days later I saw that he posted a photo of it online and the caption was how many days we had been together and a frown face. Also in one of his messages to me this weekend he wrote how the wine was evaporating and wondered how he would feel when it was gone (obviously he hasn't moved it from where I left it).

Why would he do this?

No offense, but who cares? It sounds like the beginnings of some bad teenage poetry. I'm not trying to be insensitive or trivialize your pain at all - but it just sounds like self-pitying melodrama to me.

Why do you let this stuff reel you in? I think I get it, though. When I was younger, I loved focusing my attention on these sensitive artsy guys. I guess it made me feel useful and humanitarian. Now I realize it's stupid to let myself be dragged down by dead weight. If the man isn't at least on my level, I don't bother. The only person I'd take care of like that would be my own child.

January 7, 2013

I think that if a man really loves a woman and sees her as the right woman for him, he'll make sure she KNOWS that he wants a future with her, he'll communicate it with words, and he'll take action to make it happen. If not, he's most likely not ready for that with anyone, or he's not sure she's the right woman for him.

I didn't take it personally that my ex didn't make things clear with me. I just recognized that we're not on the same page and moved on.

This.

but then again, both of my ex's said I was extraordinarily emotive for a man. My ex fiance told me "you have this uniquely female emotional system going on...its really refreshing to find a man who isn't afraid of his emotions, or expressing them"

If a guy sees a future with you, expressive like me or not, he will figure out a way to tell you or let you know.

January 7, 2013

I haven't seen her since Dec 22nd, due to family issues on her side, and this absence made me realise how much she means to me, hit me like a sledgehammer.....

I just hope it's not too late for me, I need to tell her how I feel.... :(

It's never too late.

Tell her what you've realized. Tell her how you feel, what you want, and how you plan to make it happen. She might not go for it, but if you tell her, at least you'll know you did everything you could and won't have to carry any regrets about it.

Your plan doesn't need to be iron clad. Just come up with a workable plan, based on your real feelings.

I never expected perfection from my ex, and I'm sure ScienceGal didn't, either. We just wanted to know they loved us, wanted to be with us, and were motivated by that love to come up with a real plan for making it work.

January 7, 2013

i'm pretty confused here. it sounds like this break up was initiated by YOU, when he asked about the marriage, and you weren't seeing him as marriage material. it then sounded like to save his respect/dignity he seemed to agree that breaking up is the right thing to do, given he apparently isn't good enough for you.

but now you seem to be playing the victim card?? if i've misunderstood, i apologize. didn't seem like he wanted to end anything obviously as he asked if you saw yourself marrying him.

Everything he was saying sounded like there was no hope.. so after the third time I asked "so, you're saying you want to break up?" He said "yes" or "I don't see any other way. I don't remember the exact words.

I am not playing the victim card, I just don't understand leaving someone you love when the issues are fixable.

January 7, 2013

Gru, I wish you all the luck in the world!! Keep us updated.

Ruby, I don't actually care about the dramatic wine photo. I think I'm just grasping to understand it all. All I can do is maintain NC. I keep waiting for him to message me about getting his stuff, I know that has to happen at some point.

January 7, 2013

Everything he was saying sounded like there was no hope.. so after the third time I asked "so, you're saying you want to break up?" He said "yes" or "I don't see any other way. I don't remember the exact words.

I am not playing the victim card, I just don't understand leaving someone you love when the issues are fixable.

Because you are the only one that sees them as "fixable".

January 7, 2013

Because you are the only one that sees them as "fixable".

Exaaaaactly. What seems so easy to you seems insurmountable to him. Keep in mind that it may be that NO woman will ever rouse this guy from his depression and other issues. He may simply not have the capacity to have a mature relationship. Maybe he will someday, but this stuff doesn't magically change overnight. It takes time and effort. And constantly feeling like he's letting someone down doesn't help.

But don't feel bad for having normal expectations for love. That's healthy and good. You just have to accept that he can't give you the love you want. Maybe he wishes he could, but he can't. Desire and ability are two different things.

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Over after almost a year

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