TakeItEasy Posted January 3, 2013 Posted January 3, 2013 So just became a member of this forum because I need HELP! It's about the 8th time I've caught my boyfriend looking at porn. I told him from the very beginning that I wasn't ok with it. I can not deal with it, it's not ok for me it's against all my morals. The first few times I cried my eyes out and he soothed me and said he was sorry and he'd never do it again. Then I caught him again and decided to take a different approach, I sent him pictures of me, I bought outfits from the adult store, we have sex every evening and sometimes in the morning but it seems he can't help himself. I try to perform in every way possible to feed his sexual needs. Then the last time I did what I really didn't want to do, I gave him an ultimatum. I said if I caught him again, I'd leave him. I caught him again yesterday. And he's lied about it. NOTHING has worked. I'm 20, slim, long legs and blonde. I work hard to keep myself in shape. He's the only person I've been with who has found this request such an issue. He took me for a picnic to watch the sunset tonight to kind of say sorry so I know he cares but I can't believe that he wont do it again. I love him so much but I just don't know what to do.
Author TakeItEasy Posted January 3, 2013 Author Posted January 3, 2013 So just became a member of this forum because I need HELP! It's about the 8th time I've caught my boyfriend looking at porn. I told him from the very beginning that I wasn't ok with it. I can not deal with it, it's not ok for me it's against all my morals. The first few times I cried my eyes out and he soothed me and said he was sorry and he'd never do it again. Then I caught him again and decided to take a different approach, I sent him pictures of me, I bought outfits from the adult store, we have sex every evening and sometimes in the morning but it seems he can't help himself. I try to perform in every way possible to feed his sexual needs. Then the last time I did what I really didn't want to do, I gave him an ultimatum. I said if I caught him again, I'd leave him. I caught him again yesterday. And he's lied about it. NOTHING has worked. I'm 20, slim, long legs and blonde. I work hard to keep myself in shape. He's the only person I've been with who has found this request such an issue. He took me for a picnic to watch the sunset tonight to kind of say sorry so I know he cares but I can't believe that he wont do it again. I love him so much but I just don't know what to do. Also he mentioned he's "not sure why he thought of this but" he'd like to bring another girl into the bedroom for me to play with and him to watch, I'm not bi. I said I'd think about it and then I see the porn he's been watching (and lieing about) is FFM. Awesome
newmoon Posted January 3, 2013 Posted January 3, 2013 "said if I caught him again, I'd leave him." that is your answer. you make a threat or give and ultimatum then you gotta stick to it. if you don't, he knows you aren't serious. actually, he knew you weren't serious after the first 7 times you caught him. if it meant that much to you (his looking at porn) and was truly a moral issue for you, you would have acted sooner. how many chances do you give? and, as you get older, you'll come to appreciate that this behavior in men won't be exclusive to your current bf - they all like porn/looking at other women to some degree and you have to toughen up a bit 1
Toddbt12y1 Posted January 3, 2013 Posted January 3, 2013 Also he mentioned he's "not sure why he thought of this but" he'd like to bring another girl into the bedroom for me to play with and him to watch, I'm not bi. I said I'd think about it and then I see the porn he's been watching (and lieing about) is FFM. Awesome Nonono! Instant red flag! He already disrespects your wishes, after you break your back doing all kinds of (porn based?) Sexual stuff to him, etc. Now he wants a girl to be brought into the picture? I suggest you spare your ego/heart and get rid of him. Sometimes three ways work; if both members are willing. But really it is such against your mindset that it will only divide you two even more. He is addicted to porn and this three way is another way to act it out. Do have some self-respect.
Toddbt12y1 Posted January 3, 2013 Posted January 3, 2013 I was capable of stopping porn all together when I was with my 4 year Gf. She was all I need. So it is possible.
Andy_K Posted January 3, 2013 Posted January 3, 2013 I've never been much of a porn user myself, but I'd be wary of dating any girl who was so against it, as it would likely mean she was not as easygoing/free spirited as I need. This issue with porn is one of many reasons why it's a good idea to date someone with the same moral compass as you. Most likely he thinks you are overreacting to something fairly harmless, and the effort he'll have to put in to try to make it up to you makes you 'high maintenance'. If he's wanting to bring another girl in, and you're in no way into that sort of thing yourself, it might well be time to face up to the fact that you two are just far too different. Perhaps you can make it work if you try, but it'll be a painful journey and you'd find it much easier with someone who's a better match for you.
Got it Posted January 3, 2013 Posted January 3, 2013 This might be a square peg round hole issue. It doesn't mean one is right or wrong in their expectations but it just doesn't mesh. I agree, he has given you lip service on this. He does not prioritize it like you have so you need to decide if you can accept him looking at porn or not. And then take action.
Author TakeItEasy Posted January 4, 2013 Author Posted January 4, 2013 I was capable of stopping porn all together when I was with my 4 year Gf. She was all I need. So it is possible. Thanks Todd! I know he's trying but he's only 21. I see myself being with him for the long run and I can see he's trying. Hopefully he'll grow out of it. I predict 23/24 is that not a mans sexual peak?
Author TakeItEasy Posted January 4, 2013 Author Posted January 4, 2013 I've never been much of a porn user myself, but I'd be wary of dating any girl who was so against it, as it would likely mean she was not as easygoing/free spirited as I need. This issue with porn is one of many reasons why it's a good idea to date someone with the same moral compass as you. Most likely he thinks you are overreacting to something fairly harmless, and the effort he'll have to put in to try to make it up to you makes you 'high maintenance'. If he's wanting to bring another girl in, and you're in no way into that sort of thing yourself, it might well be time to face up to the fact that you two are just far too different. Perhaps you can make it work if you try, but it'll be a painful journey and you'd find it much easier with someone who's a better match for you. I'm very free spirited! Porn and the fact he has been dishonest about it is really the only thing I'm not ok with. We're working on it as we're very much in love. We'll see how things go. Thanks for the advice!
Author TakeItEasy Posted January 4, 2013 Author Posted January 4, 2013 This might be a square peg round hole issue. It doesn't mean one is right or wrong in their expectations but it just doesn't mesh. I agree, he has given you lip service on this. He does not prioritize it like you have so you need to decide if you can accept him looking at porn or not. And then take action. Yes I don't believe that people viewing porn is wrong, I feel single men can do what they want but when you're in a commited relationship with someone who you're having sex with every day then I feel it's not necessary. Perhaps if we were long distance and could barely see each other then I might understand but I'm right there. And of course every relationship's different, we have friends who like to view it together, but I told him I'll never be ok with it and it's something we're going to have to work on together. He became very deffensive saying all men look at it and I'm naive to think otherwise. I told him I felt he was addicted because he can't help himself even knowing the hurt it puts me through and the strain it then puts on the relationship. He agreed that he thinks he is but he wont seek help for it. I put it in perspective as I've been trying to quit smoking for a couple of weeks, I've cut down to 3 a day, yayy! Haha, however I said it's the same as that, I couldn't have done that without his support and I'm willing to support him through this.
Kelemvor Posted January 4, 2013 Posted January 4, 2013 If you're going to break up with this guy for looking at pornography, then prepare to break up with many men over the years and to potentially lose quite a few "good catches" over your inability to understand how the male brain works and why you shouldn't feel threatened unless it becomes an addiction, affects your sex life, or infringes on a religious moral belief that he was aware of when you entered a relationship. It's obvious that you feel very threatened and insecure knowing that he is viewing other naked women. The reality is that...most men do the same. It's how our brains are hardwired and you're not going to find a man who is simply not interested in ever seeing/imagining another woman naked or entertaining the thought as he passes a buxom blond down the street (other than you) of what it would be like to have sex with her. He's thinking about that one second, and what he's going to eat for dinner in the next. It's like flipping through a catalog with no intention to buy anything.
Got it Posted January 4, 2013 Posted January 4, 2013 Yes I don't believe that people viewing porn is wrong, I feel single men can do what they want but when you're in a commited relationship with someone who you're having sex with every day then I feel it's not necessary. Perhaps if we were long distance and could barely see each other then I might understand but I'm right there. And of course every relationship's different, we have friends who like to view it together, but I told him I'll never be ok with it and it's something we're going to have to work on together. He became very deffensive saying all men look at it and I'm naive to think otherwise. I told him I felt he was addicted because he can't help himself even knowing the hurt it puts me through and the strain it then puts on the relationship. He agreed that he thinks he is but he wont seek help for it. I put it in perspective as I've been trying to quit smoking for a couple of weeks, I've cut down to 3 a day, yayy! Haha, however I said it's the same as that, I couldn't have done that without his support and I'm willing to support him through this. Take, while this is your opinion on individuals in relationships this is not a fact. There are many that feel porn in the relationship is okay and some encourage it. There are many couples that view porn together and feel it adds to their sex life. To me, what it seems like from what you are writing is that he is hoping you will drop it or lessen up on it. He does not see that this is as big a deal and is looking for you to bend. I don't see that he is planning on stopping. Can you compromise on this? If not are you willing to end the relationship? You guys might be at an impasse and someone has to blink. As they say, is this the hill you are willing to die on?
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