despoine Posted January 3, 2013 Posted January 3, 2013 I have been with my fiance for little over 3 yrs now, we have had several discussions on how i believe he is addicted to porn and how he swears he isn't !!! He has promised me few times that he will stop and that he dosent need to watch it he just does it out of boredom. If it was an occasional thing, it wouldn't bother me but its an every day thing, even when he is working supposedly super busy day, I find on his android all the porn sites he has frequented for the day. Not only that, we had joined a site together, which, mined you, was suppose to be for the two of us to do TOGETHER, but I had found out he was going on the site solo, leaving comments on women's pictures and chatting live with some of them. This is just one example, I have found out that he while he was on business trip he was looking to hook up with a transvestite escort person. which of course he dennied he did meet up with, he just said he was curious about it being we where having a discussion on trannies one day. It's gotten to the point that I have lost trust in him. He just doesnt realize how he is hurting me and our relationship even thought i have verbalized this to him. Have found sites he has joined as a couple and he goes on it alone again, looking for women there and commenting how hot and sexy they are and what a nice ass, etc. It infuriates me. I have been trying so hard to keep calm about my findings and his lies but just keeps getting harder and harder. I have been in few relationships and have ended for one reason or another, I am older now and do not have the time or am able to invest my emotions on anyone else. What pisses me off also about the whole porn thing is that when i initiate sex he is either tired not feeling well has to get up early for work! He makes time to watch and comment on sex but has very little for me, usually when he does want it is because he's all horned up from watching porn all day. when he does give it up when I want it, sometimes feels forced. He is not a bad person, Is this one Big thing that has me loosing my mined. worst off I have no one that i can tell my personal issues and how could I, its embarrassing to tell someone how he dreams about sex and talks dirty in his sleep and even masturbates in his sleep but yet he normally has excuses why we are not intimate. ugh!!! Should I just say the hell with it and leave him, or try one last time.
betterdeal Posted January 3, 2013 Posted January 3, 2013 That does sound like addictive behaviour on his part and it must be very frustrating for you to deal with. As with all addictions, the path out of it can be a very hard one. I suggest you do talk to someone in person about this. It may be worth calling a relationship counselling service so you can discuss it in confidence with someone. About what you say about being too old to invest emotionally in someone else, maybe you're emotionally exhausted and not ready to get involved with someone else right now. I know people who have fallen in love in their 50s and 60s. Maybe a bit of time being single would help you recharge your batteries.
skydiveaddict Posted January 3, 2013 Posted January 3, 2013 (edited) Not only that, we had joined a site together, which, mined you, was suppose to be for the two of us to do TOGETHER, Then you're equally to blame. Pornography is a dangerous poison that destroys the human soul. but I had found out he was going on the site solo, leaving comments on women's pictures and chatting live with some of them. And you were expecting something different? Cry me a river. If you both want to wallow in that ****, then you shouldn't post here feeling betrayed. What a joke. Edited January 3, 2013 by skydiveaddict 1
Radu Posted January 3, 2013 Posted January 3, 2013 I have been with my fiance for little over 3 yrs now, we have had several discussions on how i believe he is addicted to porn and how he swears he isn't !!! He has promised me few times that he will stop and that he dosent need to watch it he just does it out of boredom. If it was an occasional thing, it wouldn't bother me but its an every day thing, even when he is working supposedly super busy day, I find on his android all the porn sites he has frequented for the day. Not only that, we had joined a site together, which, mined you, was suppose to be for the two of us to do TOGETHER, but I had found out he was going on the site solo, leaving comments on women's pictures and chatting live with some of them. This is just one example, I have found out that he while he was on business trip he was looking to hook up with a transvestite escort person. which of course he dennied he did meet up with, he just said he was curious about it being we where having a discussion on trannies one day. It's gotten to the point that I have lost trust in him. He just doesnt realize how he is hurting me and our relationship even thought i have verbalized this to him. Have found sites he has joined as a couple and he goes on it alone again, looking for women there and commenting how hot and sexy they are and what a nice ass, etc. It infuriates me. I have been trying so hard to keep calm about my findings and his lies but just keeps getting harder and harder. I have been in few relationships and have ended for one reason or another, I am older now and do not have the time or am able to invest my emotions on anyone else. What pisses me off also about the whole porn thing is that when i initiate sex he is either tired not feeling well has to get up early for work! He makes time to watch and comment on sex but has very little for me, usually when he does want it is because he's all horned up from watching porn all day. when he does give it up when I want it, sometimes feels forced. He is not a bad person, Is this one Big thing that has me loosing my mined. worst off I have no one that i can tell my personal issues and how could I, its embarrassing to tell someone how he dreams about sex and talks dirty in his sleep and even masturbates in his sleep but yet he normally has excuses why we are not intimate. ugh!!! Should I just say the hell with it and leave him, or try one last time. He is addicted, and he needs to stop. Unfortunately, for ppl to change, you have to provide consequences to their actions. You have to provide motivation ... even fear. The bolded part, you have to become independent of the outcome of this relationship ... or else you will lose this fight. The one who cares the least, has the most power, it's the one who doesn't veer in the game of chicken. 1
JamesM Posted January 3, 2013 Posted January 3, 2013 If he was addicted to porn only, then you would have less to worry about. However, it sounds like he is trying to hook up with women and chat with them. Simply looking at videos and pictures without contacting women can be viewed as "simply" an addiction. But he has taken his "porn addiction" a step farther and is looking to cheat or has cheated on you. I think your fears and anger and lack of trust is justified. The question is...what will you now do? Stay with him and hope he will change, or move on and find a guy who will love you as you are and be faithful?
FolderWife Posted January 4, 2013 Posted January 4, 2013 He will ALWAYS tell you that he will stop looking at porn, but without some life changing event taking place, this will ALWAYS be a lie. Men can change if they want to, but they usually don't want to. It's easier to just tell the little woman what she wants to hear, rather than arguing with her all the time. His options are A. Tell her that I'm a grown man and I'll watch porn if I want to! (and listen to her bitch about it for eternity, and possibly lose her due to my selfish behavior). B. Promise her that I will never watch it again. Ever. (and then watch it behind her back and when she catches me DENY DENY DENY so she will think SHE'S crazy, even though all of the evidence points to me lying because she'd rather trust me than her own gut. C. Promise her that I will never watch it again. Ever (and then honor my word while resenting her for the rest of my life because I let her control me and take away an "innocent" activity that I enjoy.) Men just don't have any good options. Now, I understand where you are coming from; My first husband watched porn all the time and couldn't get it up for me. This does not feel good. So I found a man who COULD get it up for me. I cheated on my husband with him. Then I left my husband for my lover. My first husband and I were together 4 years. He always promised to stop but he never did. My current husband and I were very sexually active for the first few years, but recently he's started looking at porn more frequently. He's not as interested in sex any more. I am like you; I hate initiating sex because he's just not as into it. I don't feel sexy and aroused when I feel like I'm MAKING him have sex with me. He's more into it when he initiates it, but he doesn't initiate it much now that he watches porn all the time. Truth is, he is an adult and he can do what he wants (within the law). He WANTS to watch porn so he's GOING to watch porn. No, he does not love you enough to stop. If it makes you feel better to tell yourself that, then go ahead. I do not think it will make you feel better to tell yourself that he does not love you; so here's another option. Tell yourself that he does love you and he probably even likes you a little bit. Then, tell yourself another truth: Masturbating is completely different than sex. Try it, you'll see I'm right. When he has sex, he must perform. He is SUPPOSED to get you off. He is SUPPOSED to be fully aroused. What I'm getting at is there's a lot of PRESSURE. When he masturbates, there is no judgement. He can do what he wants to feel as good as he wants and nobody gets to be disappointed in his performance. This performance anxiety has nothing to do with you; it's his own insecurity and who knows where it came from. Or, he could just be lazy. It's easier to focus on getting off himself instead of worrying about getting you off. I mean, yeah he loves you, but he's had a long day! OR (and this might be really off) maybe he likes looking at naked women. Maybe he feels awkward just staring at your naked body. Maybe you would like it, but maybe he's not secure enough to just stare at you. So he looks at pictures online. OR he might like watching other people have sex! So he likes porn (obviously) and who knows why. I would 100% bet that it has NOTHING with how attracted he is to you. Here's the conclusion: Men DO NOT CHANGE (at least not just because we want them to). You can continue to try to force him to stop and he will continue to lie to you. You can try accepting his porn overuse and find your own outlet (sexy books work for women *50 Shades" anyone?) Or, you can leave him. Those are your options, my dear. Keep doing the same thing and getting the same results, accept that this is as good as it gets and figure out a way to not be miserable, or end this relationship and eventually see if you can find a better one. You see how that worked out for me! And before you let yourself feel hopeless, think about this: You want him to love you so much that he will stop doing an unnecessary activity that hurts your feelings. He probably wants you to love him so much that you put your insecurities aside and love and accept him for who he is: a man who watches porn. We all want to be loved without conditions for who we really are. If you accept and realize that he will always be a sneaky lying porn watcher, and love him any way then do it. However, if that is not a future that you can live in, then end it. You will not change him. I have been with my fiance for little over 3 yrs now, we have had several discussions on how i believe he is addicted to porn and how he swears he isn't !!! He has promised me few times that he will stop and that he dosent need to watch it he just does it out of boredom. If it was an occasional thing, it wouldn't bother me but its an every day thing, even when he is working supposedly super busy day, I find on his android all the porn sites he has frequented for the day. Not only that, we had joined a site together, which, mined you, was suppose to be for the two of us to do TOGETHER, but I had found out he was going on the site solo, leaving comments on women's pictures and chatting live with some of them. This is just one example, I have found out that he while he was on business trip he was looking to hook up with a transvestite escort person. which of course he dennied he did meet up with, he just said he was curious about it being we where having a discussion on trannies one day. It's gotten to the point that I have lost trust in him. He just doesnt realize how he is hurting me and our relationship even thought i have verbalized this to him. Have found sites he has joined as a couple and he goes on it alone again, looking for women there and commenting how hot and sexy they are and what a nice ass, etc. It infuriates me. I have been trying so hard to keep calm about my findings and his lies but just keeps getting harder and harder. I have been in few relationships and have ended for one reason or another, I am older now and do not have the time or am able to invest my emotions on anyone else. What pisses me off also about the whole porn thing is that when i initiate sex he is either tired not feeling well has to get up early for work! He makes time to watch and comment on sex but has very little for me, usually when he does want it is because he's all horned up from watching porn all day. when he does give it up when I want it, sometimes feels forced. He is not a bad person, Is this one Big thing that has me loosing my mined. worst off I have no one that i can tell my personal issues and how could I, its embarrassing to tell someone how he dreams about sex and talks dirty in his sleep and even masturbates in his sleep but yet he normally has excuses why we are not intimate. ugh!!! Should I just say the hell with it and leave him, or try one last time.
SouthernBelleXXX Posted January 6, 2013 Posted January 6, 2013 Damn the porn. The porn is the LEAST of your worries. When he confided in you about being curious about trannies and lied about trying to hook up with one you should have been packing your crap and out the door.
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