I told my boyfriend I won't move out of state/country unless we are engaged/married..

January 3, 2013

Hello,

I'm new here and looking for some helpful advice. My boyfriend and I have been together for 2 and a half years. We have lived together for a little over a year. We love each other and he treats me well.

But he isn't from the US. He is from Sydney, Austrailia. He moved here for his job and now the company he's at isn't doing well. He thinks it may close soon.

His type of job in this country is very limited and only in certain states. He doesn't have his green card yet, his current company was helping him put it through. But now with the possibility of the company closing, the green card may get put off. And if he can't find a job while he is only here on a work visa, he may have to leave the country. He likes the idea of traveling, since he has done this his whole life. He has lived in different countries. But I'm more of a homebody. I always envisioned us staying close to my family and building our own family here.

I don't know all the specifics of the visa status and if he can't find a job that will hire him in his field without a green card. We have talked about the possibilities and he is interested in leaving the state or the country to go back to Sydney. I'm not ready for leaving the country, not without the commitment of marriage or at least an engagement. And I don't want him to propose just because he feels pressure.

Is what I'm saying fair? I really dont want to move out of the US. I need to think about myself and what if it didn't work out. I don't have a successful career like he does. I just work a regular administrative job. I'm so confused on what to do..

January 3, 2013

We have talked about getting married so I think it would happen eventually..

January 3, 2013

anyone out there?

January 3, 2013

This is quite a situation that you are in. Truth be told, I have only known two couples my entire life who were in an international situation such as yours. The first were family friends - crazy as it may sound I assure you this is true...

My mom's friend Joan went to a clambake and met a man named Richard at said party, who was from England and had been traveling with his mom and dad across the US. They had a wonderful time chatting that night, then a few days later Richard called Joan and said he was coming back to town for some unfinished business and would she like to spend some time together? Joan said sure. At the end of the second night, he said that his unfinished business was to see her again and he was wondering if she would accept his hand in marriage. Joan said "Pardon?" Richard assured her he was serious. He went back to England, they wrote to each other everyday for two months (before email), and she went to visit for Christmas. He asked again, Joan said yes, and they were married BLISSFULLY HAPPY for the next 40 years ending with her death.

The second was a friend of mine from junior high school. He had a girlfriend who lived in Ireland who he had met while studying abroad. They kept things going for a few years, then when she returned to Ireland after a visit here in the States, she discovered that she was pregnant. Last I heard, he had married her, they had a few children together (but I don't know if they are still married as the last I saw of him was 20 years ago).

So in YOUR situation ... Here you have two stories similar. Love conquers all? Well ... It would have to, I'd say. J and R moved to England and lived there for the first 10 years they were married, then Joan wanted to return home to be near her friends and family. The jhs friend of mine, as far as I know, still lives here in the States and his wife moved here as well. FOr you? Well ... If it was a situation where I would have to move to be with that person, I would be opposed to leaving the US to move to another country because this is my home. In your situation, have a talk with him about his/your moving away. You MUST decide whether or not you are going with, and you MUST decide what will happen next (marriage, engagement, etc.) before you pull up stakes and move. I have seen many women sell their houses / apartments and quit their jobs over a guy who will not commit. Don't be one of them.

January 3, 2013

ultimatum's dont usually work out well. if it doesnt come from him, it wont end up good. some guys are slow to react and need a kick in the butt but for guys they should want to.I understand your problem but this guy seems slow to catch on. I hope it works out for you.

btw how old are you 2?

January 3, 2013

This is quite a situation that you are in. Truth be told, I have only known two couples my entire life who were in an international situation such as yours. The first were family friends - crazy as it may sound I assure you this is true...

My mom's friend Joan went to a clambake and met a man named Richard at said party, who was from England and had been traveling with his mom and dad across the US. They had a wonderful time chatting that night, then a few days later Richard called Joan and said he was coming back to town for some unfinished business and would she like to spend some time together? Joan said sure. At the end of the second night, he said that his unfinished business was to see her again and he was wondering if she would accept his hand in marriage. Joan said "Pardon?" Richard assured her he was serious. He went back to England, they wrote to each other everyday for two months (before email), and she went to visit for Christmas. He asked again, Joan said yes, and they were married BLISSFULLY HAPPY for the next 40 years ending with her death.

The second was a friend of mine from junior high school. He had a girlfriend who lived in Ireland who he had met while studying abroad. They kept things going for a few years, then when she returned to Ireland after a visit here in the States, she discovered that she was pregnant. Last I heard, he had married her, they had a few children together (but I don't know if they are still married as the last I saw of him was 20 years ago).

So in YOUR situation ... Here you have two stories similar. Love conquers all? Well ... It would have to, I'd say. J and R moved to England and lived there for the first 10 years they were married, then Joan wanted to return home to be near her friends and family. The jhs friend of mine, as far as I know, still lives here in the States and his wife moved here as well. FOr you? Well ... If it was a situation where I would have to move to be with that person, I would be opposed to leaving the US to move to another country because this is my home. In your situation, have a talk with him about his/your moving away. You MUST decide whether or not you are going with, and you MUST decide what will happen next (marriage, engagement, etc.) before you pull up stakes and move. I have seen many women sells their houses / apartments and quit their jobs over a guy who will not commit. Don't be one of them.

Thank you for the advice. The stories you mentioned turned out lovely. And I can only hope for the same. He wants to get married, as do I. We both have that in common that we want marriage and children. But I also worry because I'm 33 years old, hes 35. I'm not getting any younger. I almost want to tell him we need to be engaged first..

January 3, 2013

I can't imagine leaving the country for a romantic relationship that wasn't marriage. Your concerns seem normal. You say he wants to roam and you don't, this sends up red flags for me. You've also been together 2.5 years and aren't sure about marriage, that also makes me wonder whether you're clinging to someone that you know isn't really "getting there." But of course I don't know since I'm not you. Just putting out ideas.

If you get married can he get his green card based on that? That's really non-ideal but still seems better than you leaving the country just to be with a BF. Also, if you really don't want to leave, would leaving for a husband really change the reality of that? Seems to me you still might be unhappy since you don't want to leave. Have you clearly expressed that you would rather not leave? If so how has he seemed to weigh his relationship with you against his apparent desire for freedom?

Oh and I see that you're 33, tick tick tick. That's a genuine biological concern. You don't have time to wait around really if you want kids.

January 3, 2013

I can't imagine leaving the country for a romantic relationship that wasn't marriage. Your concerns seem normal. You say he wants to roam and you don't, this sends up red flags for me. You've also been together 2.5 years and aren't sure about marriage, that also makes me wonder whether you're clinging to someone that you know isn't really "getting there." But of course I don't know since I'm not you. Just putting out ideas.

If you get married can he get his green card based on that? That's really non-ideal but still seems better than you leaving the country just to be with a BF. Also, if you really don't want to leave, would leaving for a husband really change the reality of that? Seems to me you still might be unhappy since you don't want to leave. Have you clearly expressed that you would rather not leave? If so how has he seemed to weigh his relationship with you against his apparent desire for freedom?

Oh and I see that you're 33, tick tick tick. That's a genuine biological concern. You don't have time to wait around really if you want kids.

If we were engaged or married I would feel much better about leaving the state/country. He wants to get married and I know he was going to propose in the next few months but with the company he is working for is going down and its all happening so quickly. It not that he wants freedom as it being the field he works in. There are limited options for him in the US without a greencard. I'm not sure how the green card would work if we got married sooner..

January 3, 2013

ultimatum's dont usually work out well. if it doesnt come from him, it wont end up good. some guys are slow to react and need a kick in the butt but for guys they should want to.I understand your problem but this guy seems slow to catch on. I hope it works out for you.

btw how old are you 2?

He isn't slow to catch on..lol, we have talked about it frequently. things are just changing quickly with the company he works for..

January 3, 2013

Oldest trick in the book... future fake... all talk is different then actually doing it.

When my male friends wanted to get married... lousy jobs didn't stop them... they jumped at the chance.

He's just not that into you

January 3, 2013

Oldest trick in the book... future fake... all talk is different then actually doing it.

When my male friends wanted to get married... lousy jobs didn't stop them... they jumped at the chance.

He's just not that into you

LOL. thanks for the advice but your wrong there. He wants me to go with him. If he wasn't into me he wouldn't be asking me to come if it comes down to it. My bf is wonderful to me and has done more for me then anyone else ever has.

January 3, 2013

LOL. thanks for the advice but your wrong there. He wants me to go with him. If he wasn't into me he wouldn't be asking me to come if it comes down to it. My bf is wonderful to me and has done more for me then anyone else ever has.

Keep lying to yourself... you know he's not going to do it... its called a future "fake" for a reason... come with me blah blah. Ask how many women on this forum have fallen to this...all of them?

If I was 100% sure as a woman...I wouldn't post this thread or have to deal him an ultimatum

January 3, 2013

Don't listen to anyone on here whose advice is "give up, end it, he's trash" etc. Unless maybe it's 2 pages of people unanimously saying that. I really think every page on this site should have that disclaimer to avoid relationships getting wrecked by morons posting based on assumptions about prejudices and things they could not possibly know.

January 3, 2013

Keep lying to yourself... you know he's not going to do it... its called a future "fake" for a reason... come with me blah blah. Ask how many women on this forum have fallen to this...all of them?

If I was 100% sure as a woman...I wouldn't post this thread or have to deal him an ultimatum

Your name says enough..lol. laters!

January 3, 2013

Don't listen to anyone on here whose advice is "give up, end it, he's trash" etc. Unless maybe it's 2 pages of people unanimously saying that. I really think every page on this site should have that disclaimer to avoid relationships getting wrecked by morons posting based on assumptions about prejudices and things they could not possibly know.

Its called common sense and experience ...ACTIONS... words

January 3, 2013

Don't listen to anyone on here whose advice is "give up, end it, he's trash" etc. Unless maybe it's 2 pages of people unanimously saying that. I really think every page on this site should have that disclaimer to avoid relationships getting wrecked by morons posting based on assumptions about prejudices and things they could not possibly know.

Yeah I'm not. Some people just like to troll.

January 3, 2013

Your name says enough..lol. laters!

Nice deflection...didn't say I was wrong

Go move with him then prove me wrong

January 3, 2013

well I have alot to think about. and I can't control what happens to the company he works for so I just have to wait.

January 3, 2013

Weigh the pros and cons. Do you have family here and how willing are you to just drop everything and move to a different country where you have to start anew?

It's not about giving him an ultimatum it's about how well you will adjust to living in a different country with different customs. For most expats, they have nothing where they were originally from and they tend to travel all over. I know alot of friends who decided to move to China because the economy was booming and they were seeking new lives with new jobs.

The thing is, if you do decide to move you must first consider whether the prospects of making a living there is possible. Looking into the job market there and how the living expenses are over there. You also need to understand that being with your boyfriend now may not not actually mean you guys will be together forever. Even engagements can get cancelled. So consider the facts that you do need to be able to support yourself if you do decide to move.

January 3, 2013

Have you ever been to Australia? You should get engaged to show he is serious BUT you need to spend some time there. What if you don't like the country, the culture and the people? You may have to raise your children there. Many marriages have broken up over the culture shock.

You don't sound like an adventurous person who likes change which is a basic incompatibility right there.

January 3, 2013

I think you're being very smart here. I wouldn't move to another country with a guy unless I really wanted to be there regardless of our relationship, or we were married.

Stick to your guns. If he really wants to be with you, he'll work with you to find a way to make it work. And if he doesn't, you're better off letting him go.

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I told my boyfriend I won't move out of state/country unless we are engaged/married..

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