kiss_andmakeup Posted January 3, 2013 Posted January 3, 2013 I've been on 5 dates with this guy I really like. Great conversation, very attracted to him (and vice versa), good chemistry, all around having a great time. He's obviously very into me and to be honest I'm pretty into him, too...we're having a great time. Nothing's official yet, as I'd like to take things slow, but he has initiated exclusivity in terms of our dating and I was happy to oblige. So, I finally accepted his Facebook friend request (I hate adding people after only a date or two - takes away so much of the fun of getting to know each other). Everything's fine and great, nothing weird or red flag-ish, except one thing... His ex (to whom he was engaged but has been split from for over a year) looks eerily like me. Same fiery red hair, ultra-pale porcelain complexion, and uncommonly tall/very thin build. It creeps me out a bit. Everything thus far would lead me to believe that he is interested in me for far more than just physical reasons...he hasn't even tried to push for sex yet (although I'm pretty much ready haha) and we really have lots of common interests and aspirations. We can spend hours just talking about various topics, from music to philosophy to psychology. So...should I be worried that he's just looking for a "replacement model" for his ex? Or does he just have a "type" and it's not a big deal? To clarify, I'm not freaking out about this...I'm leaning toward "it's not a big deal"...but wanted some third party opinions. Thanks.
Weezy1973 Posted January 3, 2013 Posted January 3, 2013 You're going to have to wait and see. I suspect it's probably just his type though. I'm a big fan if pale redheads as well; they're pretty rare. 3
tigressA Posted January 3, 2013 Posted January 3, 2013 It's been over a year. And I assume he hasn't talked excessively about this ex of his, accidentally called you the wrong name, anything like that. I don't think you have anything to worry about. Could be that with his ex (or before her) he developed a new physical preference and you happen to fall into that. 2
Author kiss_andmakeup Posted January 3, 2013 Author Posted January 3, 2013 It's been over a year. And I assume he hasn't talked excessively about this ex of his, accidentally called you the wrong name, anything like that. Nope, he really never mentions her, other than when I asked him why his last relationship ended. He seems to have no "emotional availability" issues or hangups in that regard. I don't think you have anything to worry about. Could be that with his ex (or before her) he developed a new physical preference and you happen to fall into that. I'm inclined to agree with you...thanks for the reassurance. 2
ThaWholigan Posted January 3, 2013 Posted January 3, 2013 He has a type - 'tis all . I have a particular type I like too, so I understand this. Nothing to worry about so far . 1
CptObvious Posted January 3, 2013 Posted January 3, 2013 everybody breaks up. everybody has preferences.
Pyro Posted January 3, 2013 Posted January 3, 2013 Everyone has preferences so it seems normal. The only red that you have there is your hair. 1
edgygirl Posted January 3, 2013 Posted January 3, 2013 I'd love to tell you a different story but for two years after a breakup I looked for the exact same type as my ex. Even my family was like: hmm this one and that one... they look like... _____? Only when I was really over him I started diversifying in the looks department. But honestly I don't see it as a terrible thing to date someone who might not be completely over their ex.
phineas Posted January 3, 2013 Posted January 3, 2013 Tall & thin. gee I don't know many men who like women like that. And honestly, hard to find a true red-head that doesn't burst into flames in the sun. But, does you face look like her's? Same jaw, same nose, ect? Then THAT would be creepy.
Minka333 Posted January 3, 2013 Posted January 3, 2013 I don't see anything wrong with that. Like what everybody said, it's just his type. My bf now looks so much like my first love. Actually most of my exes looks alike. But they are unique and special in their own ways. I don't long for any of my exes coz' i'm very contented with the one i have now. I just focus on who i'm with. I noticed that i am at my happiest when i'm with a guy who fits the bill of what i desire coz' the physical attraction always excites me each time i look at them. Nothing pumps my blood faster and my passion deeper if i'm with someone who is my type:bunny: 1
Author kiss_andmakeup Posted January 3, 2013 Author Posted January 3, 2013 (edited) Tall & thin. gee I don't know many men who like women like that. And honestly, hard to find a true red-head that doesn't burst into flames in the sun. But, does you face look like her's? Same jaw, same nose, ect? Then THAT would be creepy. Yes, I know many like tall and thin, but I am talking my being 5'9" and 105-110 lbs. Not just slender...uncommonly slight build. Which actually many men seem to have a distaste for. No I am not anorexic or sick or blah blah blah so let's please avoid all those comments on this thread. No, we look different facially. Not incredibly so, but you could definitely tell us apart by our faces. As for being a "true" redhead I'm assuming you mean natural...which I'm not...but I'm extremely fair and have been colouring my hair red for years. He knows this and it does not appear to be an issue. Edited January 3, 2013 by kiss_andmakeup
TouchedByViolet Posted January 3, 2013 Posted January 3, 2013 I red heads No this is not a red flag. Sounds more like he is your type. Just continue to go by his words and actions in the future. I think it will work out for you.
Casablanca Posted January 3, 2013 Posted January 3, 2013 No red flag...everyone has a physical type they go for
EasyHeart Posted January 3, 2013 Posted January 3, 2013 I red heads Who doesn't?!?!? If it was some sort of weird preference, then you might have some cause for concern, but thin redheads is a pretty universal male preference.
Casablanca Posted January 3, 2013 Posted January 3, 2013 Who doesn't?!?!? If it was some sort of weird preference, then you might have some cause for concern, but thin redheads is a pretty universal male preference. Really? I think redheads can be hit or miss just like any hair color
carhill Posted January 3, 2013 Posted January 3, 2013 Are *you* comfortable with being a carbon copy of his ex looks-wise? Breaking an engagement is a pretty serious thing; not as serious as a divorce but pretty serious. How did that go for him? I'm not talking about the ex, but rather the relationship. That would be relevant if you're interested in an engagement/marriage with someone in the future, in general. So far I have no anecdotes to support the 'type' model, amongst my own relationships nor those of male and female friends, at least those of us who have been married more than once. Very diverse in the appearance department, regarding present/past partners/spouses. YMMV.
stillafool Posted January 3, 2013 Posted January 3, 2013 I think naturally red hair is so pretty and rare. I just think you are his type OP.
Negative Nancy Posted January 3, 2013 Posted January 3, 2013 Breaking an engagement is a pretty serious thing; not as serious as a divorce but pretty serious. How did that go for him? I'm not talking about the ex, but rather the relationship. That would be relevant if you're interested in an engagement/marriage with someone in the future, in general. This is a very good point and something to consider since she certainly doesn't want to go thru another break up again anytime soon (who does? ) So I would grill him for the reasons of why the engagement was broken off and find out if it indicates any commitment issues on his part. If, on the other hand, she broke it off (the ex, that is) then there's a good chance he's indeed looking for a replacement, or rather, a rebound.
carhill Posted January 3, 2013 Posted January 3, 2013 OP, did you meet his ex in real life or have you seen pictures? If pictures, where? I ask because you mentioned Facebook. What I'm doing here is putting together pieces. Ex who looks like you, he says split a year, ostensible (to be confirmed/denied) pictures of ex on Facebook, apparent emotional availability and no marked interest in sex yet, etc, etc. Perhaps my perspective can be dismissed as old and cynical, but a lifetime of experience has honed it. How old is he?
Ninjainpajamas Posted January 3, 2013 Posted January 3, 2013 I'm not sure how nobody had mentioned the issues with this that carhill has just brought up...there are some very strong apparent red flags here. Everyone is just focused on "is she his type - answer, yes" Don't you think it's a little too much of a coincidence that this guy is dating you...whom just happens to look almost exactly if like his ex-fiance whom he got down on bended knee and asked to be his wife for life? Oh but let's just glaze right over that like an ice skater on ice because that was the past, surely a man gets over a woman he was engaged to over a year ago in time to meet someone new and become seriously with...he totally won't be interested and infatuated with a woman who resembles his ex, an ex he is very likely not over yet in the least, wants to rekindle or relive this relationship in the past that "didn't work out"...which of course will be this one sided biased explanation from his point of view filled with half-truths, then scraped under a rug only to leave a protruding bulge underneath that will be conveniently resolved with a vague explanation. But do not fear! your interest and intrigue will compel you discover more. Anyone who dates someone who is separated/divorced broke off an engagement needs to have a serious conversation unless they're just as broken and confused and feel like slugging it out with someone equally torn...and if it's two divorced/separated people who broke off an engagement surely you are both too damaged doves destined to be together. I'm generalizing much in this post, not because I know exactly what you're dealing with here...but let's face it, the apple doesn't fall far from the tree, and it definitely doesn't become an orange. So here are my words of warning: You will become infatuated with this man, interested and compelled...something will tell you he is emotionally unavailable, and you will see some side of him that needs repairing or fixing through his words of despair as he explains he woes of his last engagement which failed to cross the finish line. He will become intense and overwhelmingly interested, beckoned to your call and available....at first, then abruptly at some point in time, maybe weeks, maybe months, he will drop the hammer about some unresolved issue or emotion that he carries from the past...whether it be her or with himself...after all men only have a few paint brushes to paint with...and then you'll feel like you wasted your time but ultimately he was a "good guy" you just couldn't fix him. My concerns are if you are attracted to unavailable men, if you have a track record for this then that's a huge red sign to the face as you will surely be attracted to another without even being aware of it...I have tested this myself. This could be exactly the type of guys you are into, but you'll tell yourself maybe this guy is different, maybe you can "fix" him and you could be the girl he ultimately marries. I'm not saying the above is true and yes it's early in the whole dating thing, but let's be realistic....women are easily led far off into the clouds, it's what many thrive off of...they want someone to sweep them off their feet...just like in the movies with the happy endings....after all the movies are real. I know this may all sound way over the top and preemptive but I've been doing this a while now...there are certain signs and indications that I pick up on that lead me to believe what I do. And honestly, the only time you'll be able to rationalize any of this and find out where he stands with his ex, what happened, where he is emotionally is really the only window you have to detach yourself to really consider the facts is the time where you're not into him and sleeping with him...we all know what happens after that it's pretty much game over for the brain, you'll be on cloud nine and it'll take you a while after that to rationalize any of your thoughts, especially if he's any good at what he does with women. So once your emotionally established with this guy, all these other questions and topic you'll cover because you become emotionally invested in this man will have less umph to really change anything, it'll be consequential and from then on women like to try and fix the problems to make this guy the right one because they don't want to walk away because they'll say they cant. Do not take this post all entirely personal...I've been dealing with this scenario so often lately with women I'm about to poke my eyes out...obvious signs and flags, things popping up on the radar, but being ignored or carelessly dismissed...I'd bet my money on this guy being emotionally unavailable, and it would be a generous amount. It's days like this that I feel like the "crazy" person. 1
FitChick Posted January 3, 2013 Posted January 3, 2013 (edited) Everyone has a type. Not unusual. However, in the meantime watch Alfred Hitchcock's Vertigo and if that is where your relationship seems to be headed, run for the hills! Edited January 3, 2013 by FitChick
Recommended Posts