Very long, I apologize. I appreciate your time

[CLove105]

I’m not sure how to go about this, but I’ll start with explaining why I am here, but please bare with me – I may be somewhat over the place.

 

I have been with the same person for roughly 5 years, 2 of those years were rocky, we were on and off four times. This relationship has been the only one I know, so it’s hard for me to imagine being with someone else. When we first started dating, our relationship was great. After a year, I caught him having some type of ‘email relationship’ with another girl, from another state. After promising he would never do it again, and that he was sorry, I decided to try to make it work. A few months later, I found out that he had actually cheated on his previous girlfriend with me, something I questioned him about in the beginning (she was always calling when we were together; I could not go to his house for almost a month – she was living with him and I had no clue) and despite being lied too, I let it go because it was done and over with. After another year, I caught him on dating websites, multiple dating websites and among these websites, casual fling websites. However, my entire family lived three hours away from me, and I lived with him, and I feared having to move to a city I didn’t know, and I was afraid to lose him. I convinced myself that things could work, he convinced me of this too. He tried going to therapy for these “compulsive habits” he had, but it was short lived. For an entire year everything was great. We were back to where we started and planning on moving to another state together. Two months after moving, I caught him on more dating websites. Considering I was in another state and had a lease in my name, I stayed but I kept my guard up. Three months after, I found a text from a random number in his phone. After speaking with the girl on the other end of that number, I learned that he had been soliciting himself for sex on Craigslist. I found out about an email he had made the following year (yes, the year I believed things were good), that he had been using for Craigslist as well as other sexual encounter websites. I broke up with him. It was awful because he cried, begged, pleaded, but I kept my ground. I was so disgusted with how bad things had gotten. For the following two months, we argued, things would come close to getting physical (he threw a chair towards me, pushed me once, I reacted by throwing a pot of boiling water at the wall), it was so toxic but I knew I only had a couple more months to go. Then he began another ‘online’ relationship, this time it was with a girl from South America. I was extremely jealous, and very immature about it, always making fun of him. I wanted him to feel hurt the way I felt betrayed. Near the end of our lease, mid-November, we started getting along. It was nice because we could have civil conversations. He told me he was done talking to that girl, and he wanted to work things out with me. We spent the final two months as a couple. When our lease was up, he stayed to finish school and I went to live with my parents but he promised to make it work. Within two weeks, he went cold on me. Told me he couldn’t be with me. Skip ahead a couple months I found out he was hanging out with a friend I had made in that state, and I was heartbroken. That is our backstory. That was just the beginning of the rollercoaster I have been on.

 

I won’t bore you with anymore in-depth details unless asked for them. We basically continued this on and off relationship for the following two years. He would come around claiming he was sorry, that he never meant to hurt me, that he missed me. I would visit him or he would visit me, we would try to make something work . These ‘episodes’ usually lasted around 3-4 months, each time ending with him getting caught on craigslist again, or me finding out he was on another dating website while trying to work things out with me. I would do no contact on him, try to regain my sense of self, around four months of no speaking, there he was again and the cycle would start all over. I can't count on one hand how many times I have found him soliciting himself for sex online (this is usually the reason I go no contact). I can't fool myself into thinking he never acted out. Throughout these two years I have been seeing the same therapist. She has helped me improve many aspects of my thinking GREATLY, however, once again, I am back to being scorned.

 

Four months ago, I heard from a mutual friend that he had moved back, but to a city that was only an hour away from where I am at. I took this information and let it sit for a while. Mind you, I had sent him an email a month or so before asking to either be friends or be nothing to which he said be friends. I informed him of some family issues going on in my life, but that was that. I didn’t try to talk to him. However, like clockwork, as I am thinking about him being that close to me, he contacts me. Granted, I knew he was on a dating website so I knew that whatever he was going to say would be pure lies. I wasn’t too keen on being buddy buddy, but eventually, I began to accept him into my life. After a month of talking on the phone, I went to visit him. I had a nice time seeing him, but I wasn’t interested in anything more than being friends. We continued to hang out regularly, and he began to express his undying love for me, how much he has missed me, how he can’t move on. Deep inside, I liked hearing it, but I took it with a grain of salt. He started taking me out on dates, and eventually we became physical again. He referred to us as dating. This went on for about three months, and towards the end of those three months I told him I cared about him and would like to see where things would go. He seemed happy that I finally felt the same way he felt, when out of the blue, after a nice visit together, he tells me he has crossed the line by being sexual, that he was sorry for leading me on, and that we will never be together again. Upset but logical, I told him it was fine. However, I did ask if it was because he had found someone else and he told me no. I told him we could just keep in touch through the phone – he wasn’t happy, but he agreed. Hanging out with him wasn’t a good idea anymore; I knew I didn’t want a FWB. But then he stopped talking to me, became cold and I just knew there was more to it. I found out today (and he confirmed it) that two days after he took me out on a date, he had taken another girl on a date. He told me he felt uncomfortable telling me and that we need to go our separate ways. I have not said one word to him, and I won’t. I am just so confused as to why he couldn’t just tell me this upfront. If he wanted me out of his life so badly (he was very mean about how he confirmed this “relationship”) then all he had to do WAS tell me about another girl.

 

I am not looking for many replies seeing as this is so long. Trust me, I know how stupid I sound. I feel stupid. I am just upset that the one time I made him prove to me he was sincere instead of just caving, he still found someone better than me to move on too.

 

I am full of mixed emotions right now. I have a therapy appointment in the morning and I am not looking forward to it. I am a broken record. I try so hard stay no contact because I know how bad this person is for me, but I don’t know how to accept that he and I cannot make it work, even as friends.

Edited January 3, 2013 by CLove105

[sharsh]

Jesus Christ. Were we dating the same person? Unlike you though, I only put up with it for so long, then I realized he wasn't going to change. When we broke up the last time (he usually comes crawling back, I expect it in a few months, gross.) he jumped to another girl that he had "met" while with me. He was on the dating sites, the hookup sites, craigslist, phone sex hotlines. Oh my god.

 

What I don't understand is how you put up with this for five years. I barely made it to three (the problems didn't start until about a year in, at least I think)

 

Listen. You NEED to have more self respect for yourself. What is it? Do you think there is "no one else for you"? I used to think that. Until I started realizing how f*cking awesome I am.

 

He's a DIRT BAG. This type of behavior ISN'T GOING TO STOP. Why on Gods green earth would you even want to be FRIENDS with this type of person? YOU deserve SO MUCH BETTER. Stop giving him the upper hand, take the f*cking collar off and stop letting him drag you along like a lost dog.

 

I'm sorry if this sounds so mean. I just feel like I'm talking to my former self when I first came here. You are in the EXACT position I was about three months ago. I don't want anyone to continue to go through anything like what I've been through. THIS IS NOT LOVE. If he loved you he wouldn't of treated you like this.

 

Start NC and STAY NC!

[CLove105]

I don't know how I put up with it for so long either. I know I deserve better, I want better. However, it is really hard for me to accept that this is who he is now, especially when he tries so hard each time he comes back.

 

I actually did read your story and I felt the same way. I am sorry you had to go through the same thing, I would not wish that type of betrayal (or any) upon anyone. I have enough sense in me to not blackmail him, though, or "seek revenge" and tell this new girl everything. I thought about it, but what good will that do? He knows that I know, and that is enough.

 

I guess because I was so used to him pulling the online stuff, I never really expected him to find someone that would actually date him! lol. That part sucks, knowing that not even two days after he is with me, he is taking another girl out on a date. My stomach has bee in knots all night thinking. I keep reminding myself that based on his history, he will not change for anyone.

[NoClue2]

oh man, does it really matter why he didn't tell you he was with another girl?? the short answer is, because he wanted to be sure that the new relationship was going to happen before he disposed of you. you need to move on and stop trying to understand why he did the things he did. you never will. you are 2 very different people with 2 very different mindsets. he sounds like such a creep and you need to move on. i feel terrible for you that you put up with that so long and i feel awful for the new girl he's with because he will be doing the same thing in no time. don't be his doormat anymore.

[sharsh]

Isn't it funny how they can put on such a facade to make someone fall for them? I bet he was a smooth talker like my ex, wasn't he? That's what makes them so dangerous.

 

I thought about doing those things as well, but I don't want to come off as the "crazy ex" to his new found "love".

 

I find peace in knowing he's just going to do it all over again with her. She will be just as miserable as I was once she finds out. Hopefully she'll have more brains to not stick around after the first time though.

 

These types of guys will never be in a happy relationship. Once the smoke fades away and the glitter isn't there anymore their lover will see the light.

 

I was angry at first when he jumped ship to TWO other girls. But now, I'm just like, lol, they don't even know what they're in for. He's THEIR problem now. Not mine. They can deal with it.

[CLove105]

He said it was because he felt uncomfortable telling me. At this point, any reason as to 'why' will not matter to me. There is no excuse good enough to sneak behind my back with someone else.

 

I am actually pretty numb to this feeling. I am used to be rejected like this. I don't know why I expected anything to be different.

 

I absolutely want to stay NC, for myself. I just hate how I feel when I start it.

[suejay]

If you go see my story it's similar, but not to the extreme like yours. I COMPLETELY understand you and it is the biggest disappointment, you feel like you're not good enough, like he's out there having fun while you sit in misery. I know this all too well and it's pretty heart breaking.

I really wish I knew what to tell you about how you should get over this, but I myself am seeking an answer as well and I can't seem to find it. I try to think I can have it much worse...and I feel better for about it for a minute and then I cave in. Everything I do, see, or hear...I think of him. I guess as everyone says time will heal all and we just gotta keep moving. I know what I just said isn't very comforting, but I just want you to know you're not alone. BIG HUGS!

Edited January 6, 2013 by suejay