I'm trying to talk myself out of this...

[BetrayedH]

You seem convinced that nothing is happening currently and I tend to believe you.

 

That said, I do think that your WW is pining over her lost exciting life and the thrill of the attention of other men. Not to be cruel, but I agree with 2Sunny that your wife hasn't lost her sex drive (regardless of what she says) but she is no longer attracted to you. The exact same thing happened with my wife. She claimed low libido after we had had children. We went so far as to get her on meds (Avlimil, I think). It went on for seven years, sex maybe every month or two. Suddenly my wife started having sex with me twice a week. I thought we had finally turned a corner. As it turns out, she was just in an affair. After I discovered it, I was highly offended that I had suffered a sexless marriage for so long. She told me that it wasn't that she didn't want to have sex for those seven years; she just didn't want to have sex with me. It was an honest response and a very difficult pill to swallow.

 

Again, I think you need to have a very open and honest conversation with your wife about all of this. While I know you don't want to divorce, your situation is not resolving itself. If she is "done" with the marriage, perhaps you shouldn't accept a lifetime sentence for her lack of commitment.

[ComingInHot]

jking;

You are in a difficult AND vulnerable situation. I can only imagine what this MW is thinking and how she is stoking the old ego. I cannot imagine what life is like for you, your kids And your wife at home on a daily basis.

What have you done to promote a healthy environment for your family? Have you stepped up as the Head of the family and took charge of steering things in a better direction? Are your Wife's parents alive r her siblings? It may well be time to enlist the help & support of loved ones. Especially if she's acting stubborn. Her immediate family may be able to offer you insight into issues that have been long standing w/your wife that you did not know.

Finally and what I think you are also looking for are opinions on your current "issue" w/this MW. She knows TOO much! She sees you as a potential "safe" fling. She sees you as potential future. She sees you as a tool to get her husband to wake up. She sees you as an opportunity to Screw up your whole life! As flattering as it feels, the catstophy that Will ensue (especially as your coworker) is monumental!! Her career. Your career. Her reputation. Your personal & professional reputation... the list goes on & none of it good.

I get hit on quite a bit. My husband cheated in me. Am I flattered? Sometimes, for a moment. Then I'm totally Grossed out! It took a long time, BUT when my husband DECIDED to change, our marriage went from shi$$y to awesome.

I know I'm only One example that a marriage can survive infidelity. Maybe you could become a second?!**

[Spark1111]

Ok, here is y recurring mantra.

 

you and your wife both need IC and MC.

 

She sounds clinically depressed and hormones won't help that.

 

You also must confess to your W the attraction to your co-worker and how much you mis sex with your wife and cannot live celibate any longer.

 

Ask her how to fix this problem and give it a deadline for both of you to seek help.

 

Put your child on a school bus as I do not believe any education is taking place.

 

STOP discussing your marriage with anyone outside the marriage. THAT IS RUDE, and low class and hugely disrespectful.

 

tell that co-worker you have decided to make a determined effort to save your marriage and keep it strictly professional. Do not listen to her complaints.

[Bryanp]

If you think the OW wants to get caught so her husband will pay more attention to her; then you better consider the possibility that the husband will come looking for you and also file a complaint with your company.

[Survivor12]

When I was in my late 30s, I realized that I was feeling very unhappy in my marriage. Instead of having an affair, I told my husband that I was unhappy--and believed that he was as well--hoping that we could work together to salvage our marriage. He didn't take it well. He became very angry. He refused to consider counseling.

 

He had always been extremely jealous, but after our "talk", it got a lot worse. In addition to jealous accusations, he became very demanding about having sex. He responded to everything I did or said with a lewd comment. I couldn't change my clothes or take a bath without him demanding sex. When I denied him, he would rant about how I was teasing him, that there was something wrong with me, and accuse me of having an affair. Because of my guilt over having considered it and because I was so repulsed my his treatment of me, I began to shut down sexually.

 

Over the next five years, I became extremely depressed. I was self-employed so I threw myself into my work, but I began to ignore my appearance and deny myself any carnal thought. I did my best to keep up a good front for our then teenage son, but otherwise, I became nothing but a shell.

 

One day, I ran into a man through work who I had met years earlier and hadn't seen for over 18 years. Actually, he had to tell me who he was because when he entered my office that day, I had not even looked at him. It was then, at that moment, that I realized that I had suppressed myself so much that I literally avoided even looking at another man. That was the day that I realized that I had to make a change.

 

So, once again, I approached my husband, but this time, I told him that I wanted a divorce. That was 10 years ago. Since then, I have had one long term relationship and two other sexual partners. While I am in no way promiscuous, I was able to rediscover my sexuality and my libido.

 

Looking back, I can tell you that if my husband, instead of turning against me and berating me for being unhappy, had been loving and supportive and willing to work through our problems together, we may very well still be married today.

For this reason, my advice to you is to assure your wife that you have forgiven her for what she did in the past and that you are willing to help her & to work with her. Let her know that she can trust you not to condemn her for her thoughts and feelings. Make her feel safe to confide in you.

 

If, after doing all you can do, she refuses to try to help herself or work on your marriage, you owe it to yourself--and to her--to walk away. Divorce is no party, but sometimes staying together can destroy the people in it. Perhaps the idea of divorce will shock her into realizing that she must make an effort...or maybe, it will allow her to be free. Either way, you and she deserve the chance to live a full and happy life.

 

Sorry for the length...I just really feel for both of you and hope that something in my story will give you a new perspective. Oh, and I failed to mention--an affair isn't the way to go.

[jking45]

Thanks for all the replies and advice. I've spent the time to read them all and although I don't agree 100% with everyone, you guys and gals seem to have a general consensus that I should:

 

1) Not have an affair and distance myself from the coworker and;

2) Take more action to get my wife more help/counseling ect.

 

I would be here all night if I tried to dissect every separate post and respond to them. But again, I read them all and appreciate every one's thoughts and opinions.

 

Today at work I didn't see the lady until later in the day and thought she was probably avoiding me. When she saw me we went and talked some more and this time she made it more obvious that see is seeking a no-strings attached affair. Again, and let me be honest, I admitted this was flattering because I always thought I was invisible to her in that way and I was having trouble trying to figure this out. I know that was not the right thing to say because that left the door open.

 

What worries me most is her situation with her husband. It sounds really bad and I just don't want to get involved with all of that. Nothing good can come from all of this. When I got home today the first thing I felt when I saw my wife was guilt and remorse for talking so intimately with this female coworker and I could only imagine the guilt would be 100X worse if I actually had a physical affair. I think at that point I decided I will not go any further with this and distance my self in a polite, yet firm way from my coworker and avoid any more "talks" with her.

 

As far as getting my wife more help I am considering making an appointment with her doctor and telling her what she needs to know and see if she can do more to help. Doctors can only do so much if you withhold information from them (as my wife does). My wife has always been extremely critical and skeptical of doctors but she absolutely loves this doctor and listens to her follows her instructions.

 

Also, I know I need to find ways to bring up the subject of my unhappiness without starting a fight. We've done enough of that over the years. Several on this forum have given some good advice and I'll take some time to process it and come up with a plan. My oldest (the home schooled child) will finish high school in a few months and be moving on soon. My youngest will be done with school in three years and if by then my marriage is still distant and sexless then I will likely go for a separation or divorce. I'll lose my ass financially, but oh well. Maybe I can salvage what years I have left and do something different with my life. And honestly, I doubt I would want to be in a relationship again.

 

Lastly, I forgot to mention that as much as I've missed sex, thinking about it now feels awkward for me. It's like having a best friend who has ignored you and not invited you over in years and suddenly they call you up and want to hang out. It just feels weird thinking about it. You just don't feel welcome or at home anymore. Too much water under the bridge. Hell, as much as I've craved sex all these years I almost feel like it might not be that much fun with her anymore. I think I harbor some anger and resentment for these "lost years". Hell, I might need therapy, too.

 

Anyway, thanks again for everyone's thoughts whether I agree with them or not. I think I'm beginning to talk myself out of this one....

[whichwayisup]

I think at that point I decided I will not go any further with this and distance my self in a polite, yet firm way from my coworker and avoid any more "talks" with her.

 

You need to tell your co worker that you are not interested in having any affair with her. Don't just ignore her and play the backing off game..Be honest and tell her that you don't want to cheat on your wife and you certainly don't want to help her betray and cheat on her husband.

 

As for your wife, deal with her illness first - Get her to the Dr and when things improve, then have the "we need to reconnect I'm unhappy talk". She can only handle so much at a time and right now her mental health is top of the list.

 

Did you check out that other site I suggested yesterday? It's very helpful.

[jking45]

You need to tell your co worker that you are not interested in having any affair with her. Don't just ignore her and play the backing off game..Be honest and tell her that you don't want to cheat on your wife and you certainly don't want to help her betray and cheat on her husband.

 

As for your wife, deal with her illness first - Get her to the Dr and when things improve, then have the "we need to reconnect I'm unhappy talk". She can only handle so much at a time and right now her mental health is top of the list.

 

Did you check out that other site I suggested yesterday? It's very helpful.

 

It was stupid, I know. I'm still confused by all of this because I haven't felt like the object of a woman's attention for a long time and part of me just wants that so bad. But I also know it is a mistake.

 

And regarding my wife, yes, you're right. Her health is most important. God knows I can wait to deal properly with the intimacy/marriage issues. I've waited this long, what's another year or two....

 

Sorry, no I haven't been to the site you suggested but I will bookmark it and check it out. I was overwhelmed and tired last night. Think I got less than three hours sleep. Still feeling confused and stupid and mad and horny and tired all at the same time. But hell, talking about this is really helping me so it's all good.

 

Thanks

Edited January 4, 2013 by jking45

[waterwoman]

Good luck jking x

[jking45]

Good luck jking x

 

Thank You for your kind thoughts. It means a lot to me.

[jking45]

Just to let everyone here know that I appreciate your views, advice, and understanding. I'm glad I came here and spilled my guts on this very personal situation I have been going through and you guys and gals have been very helpful and I thank you.

 

I have decided 100% not to pursue and affair with the woman at work. Like my original post title said: "I'm trying to talk myself out of this..." and I came here for help. I'm a prideful man and rarely involve anyone in my personal problems but I'm glad I did this time.

 

The lady at work wasn't in today and I'm thinking she was probably hooking up with someone else. In an ideal world she was at home having sex with her husband and she'll come in Monday and tell me it was all a mistake and we can still be "friends", but no more talk of me and her being f%#k buddies. More likely she was was with someone else and she'll come in Monday and see if I'm still interested. Maybe she has two or three other men lined up and I'm just one of the prospects.

 

Either way, I'm out. I'm not going to screw up my life and health over an afternoon of sexual pleasure. I've had a great sex life until five years ago. Maybe I will again some day.... But I have to look at myself in the mirror everyday and decide if I've been a good man to my wife, my children, and myself. I know I have a difficult road ahead of me, but I've decided to focus more on helping my wife get healthy.

 

After all..... "For better or worse, in sickness and health, for richer and poorer...." It still means a lot to me.

 

Thanks everyone. I may be in and out like a stranger in the night, but I'll check back in if things get weird.

 

All my best,

 

JK:D

[BetrayedH]

You should be proud of yourself. If you aren't, well, I'll be proud for you. Wish there were more people like you in the world.

 

Best of luck to you and your family.

 

By the way, your influence around here wouldn't be a bad thing (a near wayward that was able to shun the dark side). Hope you do pop in from time to time.

[Mickey_Fitzpatrick]

I would LOVE to talk to her doctor for 10 minutes without my wife in the room. I don't think she (the doctor) really knows how bad off my wife is because my wife doesn't tell her.

 

I think you should do this. Even if it makes your wife mad. But talk to your wife about it first. Talk to your doctor about being "too old" for sex anymore at 45. Then tell your wife what your doctor said. Ask your wife to ask her doctor if she is "too old" for sex at 45. Try to get her on board with discussing with her doctor that everything is "awful," not "fine."

 

Cheating is the wrong answer to your problem.

 

Don't shy away from arguments. They are how things get resolved. She is using her "meltdowns" to get her way. She has a meltdown, you back off, she wins. Tell her up front that no amount of meltdown is going to dissuade you from coming to a resolution on this issue.

 

You have a huge problem in your marriage - lack of sex. If it is a big problem for you, and she loves you, then it is a big problem for her as well, or should be. If you have made this known to her, then I question her love for you. There are other things she could be doing besides intercourse, not that that would be completely satisfactory to you, but it at least would show she was sensitive to your needs. If she has not brought those types of things up, why not? Do you think she really loves you, or is just comfortable with the lifestyle you have?

[Darren Steez]

Just to let everyone here know that I appreciate your views, advice, and understanding. I'm glad I came here and spilled my guts on this very personal situation I have been going through and you guys and gals have been very helpful and I thank you.

 

I have decided 100% not to pursue and affair with the woman at work. Like my original post title said: "I'm trying to talk myself out of this..." and I came here for help. I'm a prideful man and rarely involve anyone in my personal problems but I'm glad I did this time.

 

The lady at work wasn't in today and I'm thinking she was probably hooking up with someone else. In an ideal world she was at home having sex with her husband and she'll come in Monday and tell me it was all a mistake and we can still be "friends", but no more talk of me and her being f%#k buddies. More likely she was was with someone else and she'll come in Monday and see if I'm still interested. Maybe she has two or three other men lined up and I'm just one of the prospects.

Either way, I'm out. I'm not going to screw up my life and health over an afternoon of sexual pleasure. I've had a great sex life until five years ago. Maybe I will again some day.... But I have to look at myself in the mirror everyday and decide if I've been a good man to my wife, my children, and myself. I know I have a difficult road ahead of me, but I've decided to focus more on helping my wife get healthy.

 

After all..... "For better or worse, in sickness and health, for richer and poorer...." It still means a lot to me.

 

Thanks everyone. I may be in and out like a stranger in the night, but I'll check back in if things get weird.

 

All my best,

 

JK:D

Dude forgive me but why are you even coming up with these crazy scenarios?

 

Who she's with, what she's doing should be none of your concern if you want to fix things at home. You say you're not pursuing the affair, yet you seem to be looking at for her at work wondering what she's up to.

 

Want to work on the marriage, then it's not going to work if you keep talking to this lady. If you were "invisible" before become invisible now. She's not your friend or confidante. She's a woman willing to cheat on her husband and according to you in your head currently sleeping with about ten other guys.

 

Forget about her. Concentrate on your family.

[jking45]

You should be proud of yourself. If you aren't, well, I'll be proud for you. Wish there were more people like you in the world.

 

Best of luck to you and your family.

 

By the way, your influence around here wouldn't be a bad thing (a near wayward that was able to shun the dark side). Hope you do pop in from time to time.

 

Thank you for your support. I feel much better about this situation and my mind is seeing everything in a more positive light.

 

Much work to do (for myself and my wife) but I have to at least try.

[jking45]

Good Christ. So you're stuck with a vegetable for the rest of your life?

 

I'd give her two choices: get her lazy ass off the the couch and to a professional to start getting 'right' in the head, or accept that the marriage is going to be an 'open' one. It might not hurt to make a 3rd stipulation - to get her lazy ass out and get a job. What, is she too damned good to take orders at McDonald's? Is watching The Price is Right MORE productive than earning a couple hundred dollars a week? Jesus.

 

That may sound mean but the truth of the matter is that I can have compassion for someone who is trying to help themselves. She's doing NOTHING to help herself and wants to just vegetate happily in front of the TV and not give a rat's ass about how her crap behavior is affecting others. So I have zero sympathy for her.

 

Lastly, your co-worker would NOT be "NSA" sex. It comes with a HUGE HUGE price tag.

 

You should know better than to sh*t where you eat.

 

First of all, my wife isn't a "vegetable." She's depressed, anti-social, menopausal... but she's not laying around unaware of the world with a feeding tube in her mouth. She takes great care of the house and kids and she has kept her appearance up. She is still quite the head turner when we do go out in public.

 

I just need to do more to get her mental health better. Waiting on doctors to figure everything out is obviously not working.

 

And lastly, you're right about the co-worker not wanting NSA sex. I do believe it would lead to something else and I don't want that. I do think now I'm being played. And yes, I do know better than to "sh*t where I eat." That has been one of my rules at work because I have seen first hand at work the disasters that result of workplace romances.

 

Thanks for your input.

[jking45]

This woman took the day off from work and TWICE you mention that you believe she may be hooking up with someone else?

 

Because she took the day off?

 

Sounds like you're jealous and wondering what she's up to. Sort of like the paranoid OW who get paranoid when the MM goes on vacation with the wife, not knowing what he's doing and focusing only the sex he may be having with her.

 

The woman takes a day off, her attention was off you for one day and you're thinking you've been replaced?

 

 

I highly doubt things will be "over" between the two of you.

It's only a matter of time before you're in bed with her.

 

But good luck anyway.

 

I can't give everyone here all of the details of my interactions with this woman but we have worked together for over 7 years. I know her pretty well. I know her body language and I know her personality. Without getting into specific detail it was obvious that she was "taking a day off" to take care of business with somebody. For Christ's sake, everyone just got back from a 2 week vacation from work on Wednesday and she's taking Friday off??? Also, she had mentioned that there is another guy in another town and she had been snubbed by him. That's when I knew I was just another potential player on the roster.

 

I'm not jealous that she will be pursuing other men. I'm glad and relieved. Now hopefully she'll leave me alone. If not, then I'll deal with it in the way I have decided. I'm a big boy. I can handle it.

[jking45]

I think you should do this. Even if it makes your wife mad. But talk to your wife about it first. Talk to your doctor about being "too old" for sex anymore at 45. Then tell your wife what your doctor said. Ask your wife to ask her doctor if she is "too old" for sex at 45. Try to get her on board with discussing with her doctor that everything is "awful," not "fine."

 

Cheating is the wrong answer to your problem.

 

Don't shy away from arguments. They are how things get resolved.

She is using her "meltdowns" to get her way. She has a meltdown, you back off, she wins. Tell her up front that no amount of meltdown is going to dissuade you from coming to a resolution on this issue.

 

You have a huge problem in your marriage - lack of sex. If it is a big problem for you, and she loves you, then it is a big problem for her as well, or should be. If you have made this known to her, then I question her love for you. There are other things she could be doing besides intercourse, not that that would be completely satisfactory to you, but it at least would show she was sensitive to your needs. If she has not brought those types of things up, why not? Do you think she really loves you, or is just comfortable with the lifestyle you have?

 

You're right. You see my situation very well.

[Steen719]

First of all, my wife isn't a "vegetable." She's depressed, anti-social, menopausal... but she's not laying around unaware of the world with a feeding tube in her mouth. She takes great care of the house and kids and she has kept her appearance up. She is still quite the head turner when we do go out in public.

 

I just need to do more to get her mental health better. Waiting on doctors to figure everything out is obviously not working.

 

And lastly, you're right about the co-worker not wanting NSA sex. I do believe it would lead to something else and I don't want that. I do think now I'm being played. And yes, I do know better than to "sh*t where I eat." That has been one of my rules at work because I have seen first hand at work the disasters that result of workplace romances.

 

Thanks for your input.

 

Thank you for saying this - it is a start. Be proactive and help her. She is not beyond help. She needs good, professional help and she and you (and your kids) deserve to be happy. Good luck.

[whichwayisup]

You're right. You see my situation very well.

 

But your wife isn't doing this malciously..It's more fear based..Fear of making more effort, fear of change. She's depressed and so used to feeling a certain way and as awful as that is, it's comfortable and safe for her, even though she's probably not happy. The depression messes with the mind and she isn't thinking, processing or handling things in a healthy way because of her mindset as it is now. With CBT and possibly meds, she can get better. It'll be a tough road for her to go on, but she can work through this. She just needs to take baby steps..And if you show her love and she knows you're supporting her, it'll make a big difference. Prioritize ... I know it sucks with no sex, but things will get better eventually.