jking45 Posted January 3, 2013 Posted January 3, 2013 Hi everyone. New guy here on this forum. Thanks in advance for any and all advice you may give. I'm 45 yrs old, married for 20 years with two teenage children at home. In 2001 I discovered that my wife had started an "internet" and "phone" affair with one of my (ex) friends. I was angry and devastated when I found out but she claimed nothing physical happened and it was only a weird emotional phase she was going through. We reconciled for a short time before I discovered she was doing this all over again with another guy and this time we separated for a few months. After reconciling again she promised that it was over and again-- she swore- there was no physical contact. In all this time I can't prove her wrong but my gut feeling is that she has probably had multiple affairs and there was sex involved-- but she would never admit it. For about three years our marriage was hell. We fought, we made love wildly and often, and we fought some more. After we finally got back together in 2004 everything has been mostly good with one exception. Our sex life has slowly but surely dwindled down to nothing. In her defense, she has been going through early menopause and is having depression and anxiety problems, but she has been seeing a good female doctor for the last year and is on hormone replacement therapy and has been feeling better. But the sex drive is completely gone and it has gotten to the point where I have accepted that I am forever stuck in a sexless marriage. She is against counseling and thinks this is normal for our age (she thinks, at 45, that we are an "old couple" and sex is for younger people). I do know for a fact that she has not had any type of affair since 2004 because she has become a shut in; she never leaves the house alone ( I drive her everywhere), doesn't drive anymore, rarely uses the computer, no cell phone, texting, facebook,,,ect. Like I said, she has issues and one of our children is home-schooled so she is never alone at home. Despite what has happened in the past I am 110% sure her lack of sexual interest isn't because she is involved with someone else. Except for TV, she has shut out contact with the outside world. And finally, this is what brought me here today. This morning at work a female co-worker who I have known for over seven years got me in a room alone and said that she had vivid sexual dreams about me a few days ago. I was sort of shocked because even though I had always found her attractive and desirable I didn't think she thought that way about me. She than told me that her husband had lost all interest in sex and that they had not slept together in over a year. See where this is going???? She knows that my wife and I are in a sexless marriage and now I know she is suffering the same fate. And she made a point several times that she is going out of her mind wanting sex but her husband is flat-out not interested and goes out of his way to ignore her. She also said she wasn't "hitting" on me, but damn, why would she tell me all of this. The sexual tension for me was unbearable. I could barely concentrate on work all day and I know I'll need some help getting to sleep tonight. I've never been unfaithful to my wife and now I feel like I'm one hotel room away from doing this if I showed interest. I'm to the point that if she wants a no strings attached sexual affair I'm very, very tempted. But very conflicted, too. I don't want to lose my marriage and I don't think she wants to lose hers, but you have two people who know each other fairly well and are attracted to each other and each have raging libidos and no one at home willing to help out. Like I said in my title: "I'm trying to talk myself out of this....." So that's it. Sorry for the loooong first post and let me have it. I can take it or I wouldn't have asked for your opinion.
2sunny Posted January 3, 2013 Posted January 3, 2013 You can do anything you want... As long as you ask for permission. So ---> Ask your wife And have her ask her husband If they both say yes, then no worries, right? On a side note - your wife is most likely depressed because she doesn't interact with the world on a daily basis. She needs a FULL physical checkup and long term counseling - someone to help her do major contrary action! A job would help - or especially volunteer work if she's not willing to consider a job outside the home. 3
Author jking45 Posted January 3, 2013 Author Posted January 3, 2013 You can do anything you want... As long as you ask for permission. So ---> Ask your wife And have her ask her husband If they both say yes, then no worries, right? On a side note - your wife is most likely depressed because she doesn't interact with the world on a daily basis. She needs a FULL physical checkup and long term counseling - someone to help her do major contrary action! A job would help - or especially volunteer work if she's not willing to consider a job outside the home. I agree with your assessment of my wife. I have been trying to get her to seek psychological help for years but she violently refuses it. When our relationship was really bad about 10 years ago she acted so crazy I thought about having her committed, but didn't do it. She hasn't worked in 15 years and shows no interest in doing anything besides watching TV and keeping house. She has been to a good doctor and has had a very thorough evaluation and expensive testing. I just don't think she wants to feel better. Most days she is pleasant to get along with, but it is more like living with a sister than a wife.
2sunny Posted January 3, 2013 Posted January 3, 2013 See what she says when you ask for sex outside your marriage. She's not willing to provide it - so she should be willing to let you obtain a basic need from a willing partner. Don't think for a minute your wife doesn't want sex - shed be hot to go if some young stud came along and paid attention to her... Seems she just doesn't want it with you (not being mean, just stating the obvious). Since she won't participate you may as well ask her if can get it elsewhere.
whichwayisup Posted January 3, 2013 Posted January 3, 2013 And finally, this is what brought me here today. This morning at work a female co-worker who I have known for over seven years got me in a room alone and said that she had vivid sexual dreams about me a few days ago. Why would she do that? She's worked with you for over 7 years, knows you're married with children. It's just so inappropriate to tell you something like that! She also said she wasn't "hitting" on me, but damn, why would she tell me all of this. BULLSHI>T! And you know it too. For some reason she knows too much about YOUR personal life and now she's told you about her non existing sex life at home. Do the math. She is 'testing the waters' so to speak to see how you would react and to put the seed of thought in your head. It worked, didn't it? RUN. DO NOT start a sexual affair with your co worker. This IS asking for trouble. I can list the reasons but I think you know them all. DO NOT do this to your wife. It's selfish and wrong to do. Go home, tell your wife that some woman hit on you and it woke you up, made you realize that you and your wife need to reconnect and bond more, become intimate. Make plans to go away together, a little holiday, even if its' a weekend away at a bed and breakfast. DO IT. Again, DO NOT cheat and have an affair. Tell the coworker, thanks but no thanks and ask her never to bring it up in conversation again. That you are VERY married and not interested in having a side selfish fling. 8
whichwayisup Posted January 3, 2013 Posted January 3, 2013 I agree with your assessment of my wife. I have been trying to get her to seek psychological help for years but she violently refuses it. When our relationship was really bad about 10 years ago she acted so crazy I thought about having her committed, but didn't do it. She hasn't worked in 15 years and shows no interest in doing anything besides watching TV and keeping house. She has been to a good doctor and has had a very thorough evaluation and expensive testing. I just don't think she wants to feel better. Most days she is pleasant to get along with, but it is more like living with a sister than a wife. talk to your wife. Get her the help she needs, therapy, meds..something. She is unhappy and depressed, not working has broken her as a woman. If she can't 'work' then getting out and volunteering somewhere could help build her confidence level. If she is mentally ill, she DOES need help..And, all the more reason NOT to cheat on her. Please ignore the sexual invitation from the co worker. It'll just add more strife and pain, confusion in your life, make things worse. 1
Author jking45 Posted January 3, 2013 Author Posted January 3, 2013 2Sunny, Believe it or not one of the first things I thought about today was telling my wife what the lady at work said. Just to see her reaction. But I figured it would cause a fight/meltdown so I'm venting here. And you're right. My wife doesn't want sex with me at all. For a long, long, long time. Her doctor has her on hormone replacements for over a year now and no change in the libido. My lady friend at work made me feel more desired as a man than I have felt in a long time and I miss that feeling. Thanks for your replies. I really have no one else to talk to.
2sunny Posted January 3, 2013 Posted January 3, 2013 Your wife may need to be institutionalized to make a difference. That's not living... Yet you have gone along with it so now it's her 'normal'. And your kids now have the idea that a wife and Mom just stays in and never goes out - that's completely abnormal for them to have that as a role model. She needs to be encouraged to drive- get to the market, go to a job- and have a sense of accomplishment each day so she gets proud of herself. If she won't - then have her committed. Stop driving her everywhere! She will learn when you stop making it easy for her to not get out. You're helping her stay sick.
Mr. Lucky Posted January 3, 2013 Posted January 3, 2013 She knows that my wife and I are in a sexless marriage and now I know she is suffering the same fate. Jking, you were "angry and devastated" that your W had an emotional affair and yet, with your discussion of your respective marital sex lives, you're going down that same road with a coworker. Is there a little bit of that anger left over in case you pass by a mirror ??? Mr. Lucky 2
Author jking45 Posted January 3, 2013 Author Posted January 3, 2013 whichwayisup, thanks for your advice. Like I said, I've never cheated on my wife (even though she cheated on me) and I know I would regret it. I'm not thinking clearly. I have just not had another attractive woman be so forward with me and I'm being honest when I say it turned me on. My wife and I have a pretty stable life financially and mostly life is good... I just wish she would get better, but it feels like things will stay this way forever. I don't want a divorce. I've asked her if she is still attracted to me and she says she is, but she just doesn't have any sexual desire. The lady/coworker's husband is ignoring her on purpose to be mean. I thinks she wants to have an affair just to spite him and hope he finds out so he'll pay more attention to her. If that's her reason then that is wrong and I won't play along with that.
Author jking45 Posted January 3, 2013 Author Posted January 3, 2013 Jking, you were "angry and devastated" that your W had an emotional affair and yet, with your discussion of your respective marital sex lives, you're going down that same road with a coworker. Is there a little bit of that anger left over in case you pass by a mirror ??? Mr. Lucky Yes, I'll admit that the devil in me has desired "revenge". But I know two wrongs don't make a right. And yes, I still harbor anger about what happened 10 years ago. It still hurts me.
standtall Posted January 3, 2013 Posted January 3, 2013 Jking...45 is too young to be celibate for the rest of your life. Either divorce your wife or file for legal separation, and then f*** the coworker. 1
Author jking45 Posted January 3, 2013 Author Posted January 3, 2013 Your wife may need to be institutionalized to make a difference. That's not living... Yet you have gone along with it so now it's her 'normal'. And your kids now have the idea that a wife and Mom just stays in and never goes out - that's completely abnormal for them to have that as a role model. She needs to be encouraged to drive- get to the market, go to a job- and have a sense of accomplishment each day so she gets proud of herself. If she won't - then have her committed. Stop driving her everywhere! She will learn when you stop making it easy for her to not get out. You're helping her stay sick. She hasn't driven in two years and won't even drive 1/2 a mile down the road to pick up the kid at the bus stop. But every time I bring it up she has a meltdown and won't talk to me. The doctor tried putting her on anti-depressant and she said it made sick so she quit taking it after only a week. I think she tells her doctor that everything is fine even though it is not. She is good at playing people that way. I would LOVE to talk to her doctor for 10 minutes without my wife in the room. I don't think she (the doctor) really knows how bad off my wife is because my wife doesn't tell her.
whichwayisup Posted January 3, 2013 Posted January 3, 2013 Google Cognitive behaviour therapy (CBT). This type of counseling may really help her. She is depressed, has anxiety, probably agrophobic too. Trust me, the more she sits around and lets this get worse, your marriage is going to go down the tubes even more. Instead of having a husband/wife relationship, it's going to be parent/child. You need to make a decision to either get her the help she desparately needs and stick with her, support her and do all that you can to save her, and involve in her family (parents, siblings etc)best friend, or a close friend to her too. Or otherwise you will lose her to this mental illness as time goes on. If you have to take her to all appointments, DO SO. If she had cancer, you'd be involved and by her side, so treat this the same way. She is unwell and she isn't the woman you married and fell in love with. She's uninvolved on ALL levels, with you and also the kids. She's detached, depressed, lonely and alone all at once and probably scared too..she's used to this as it's safe, even though she is unhappy it's all she knows right now. do some reading up on depression and please check out the site Depression Fallout. It has lots of helpeful information and a forum as well for those who are dealing with a depressed spouse. 1
whichwayisup Posted January 3, 2013 Posted January 3, 2013 CBT is a good type of therapy that helps those who suffer from depression, anxiety etc, and she can do this without going on meds. buy the book Been There, Done That, Try This! By Sam Obitz.
2sunny Posted January 3, 2013 Posted January 3, 2013 Tell your W you need to meet with her Dr ASAP. And stop enabling her - don't take her places in the car - encourage to to get out every day and do things outside the home. Don't make it easy for her to stay in. Eventually she will have to go to the market...
whichwayisup Posted January 3, 2013 Posted January 3, 2013 Tell your W you need to meet with her Dr ASAP. And stop enabling her - don't take her places in the car - encourage to to get out every day and do things outside the home. Don't make it easy for her to stay in. Eventually she will have to go to the market... Sunny, I love ya, but I have to disagree with you on this one. He can go out with her, maybe let her drive, but he can't ditch her and let her do it on her own. She can't. I've been there, not to the extent of what she is going through, but I did become agrophobic and let my anxiety take over. I couldn't go to the store on my own for a month or two, so my H would walk with me, just so I could get outside. I instantly felt better and used that as a positive...built upon that and later would go for a little walk on my own. If his wife is that bad, no way is she going to go outside on her own. I do agree he has to take her to the Dr and help her find a CBT therapist asap. 1
Author jking45 Posted January 3, 2013 Author Posted January 3, 2013 Jking...45 is too young to be celibate for the rest of your life. Either divorce your wife or file for legal separation, and then f*** the coworker. I just can't stand the thought of divorce or separation. I don't want to start over emotionally, financially... all that. I've worked very hard to get where I am in life but there is no reward for it in the home life. And I agree, 45 is way too young to start a life of celibacy (although that started a few years ago). I can be miserable thinking about sex or I can f*** the lady at work and be miserable for doing that to my wife. Either way.... I'll be miserable. I've got to get to bed. I'll be lucky to get 4 hours sleep (alarm clock goes off at 0430 ) and have a full day ahead of me. But look on the bright side-- I'll be too tired to screw the coworker tomorrow even if I wanted to. It will be an interesting day.... Hopefully a little bit of sleep will help clear my head.
Author jking45 Posted January 3, 2013 Author Posted January 3, 2013 Google Cognitive behaviour therapy (CBT). This type of counseling may really help her. She is depressed, has anxiety, probably agrophobic too. Trust me, the more she sits around and lets this get worse, your marriage is going to go down the tubes even more. Instead of having a husband/wife relationship, it's going to be parent/child. You need to make a decision to either get her the help she desparately needs and stick with her, support her and do all that you can to save her, and involve in her family (parents, siblings etc)best friend, or a close friend to her too. Or otherwise you will lose her to this mental illness as time goes on. If you have to take her to all appointments, DO SO. If she had cancer, you'd be involved and by her side, so treat this the same way. She is unwell and she isn't the woman you married and fell in love with. She's uninvolved on ALL levels, with you and also the kids. She's detached, depressed, lonely and alone all at once and probably scared too..she's used to this as it's safe, even though she is unhappy it's all she knows right now. do some reading up on depression and please check out the site Depression Fallout. It has lots of helpeful information and a forum as well for those who are dealing with a depressed spouse. Thanks for the advice. I will look into that. You seem to know what she is going through. She is just so damn stubborn. She is convinced nothing is wrong with her mentally but it is so obvious she is not well. OK, I promise. Last post tonight. It's been another 20 hour day and I have another one tomorrow. (and no I'm not whining-- I just got back to work after two weeks off). But I've got to get to bed and try to sleep. Thanks everybody for the replies and advice. I really appreciate it. I'll check back in tomorrow. Good night, JK
whichwayisup Posted January 3, 2013 Posted January 3, 2013 Just back off of the co worker. If she comes to you tomorrow and tries to have another conversation about cheating, ask her to stop talking about it and that you are committed to your wife. Having an affair is wrong..Having a work place affair is just asking for tons of gossip and possible loss of your reputation to screw married women and cheat on your wife. DON'T be that guy! 1
whichwayisup Posted January 3, 2013 Posted January 3, 2013 Thanks for the advice. I will look into that. You seem to know what she is going through. She is just so damn stubborn. She is convinced nothing is wrong with her mentally but it is so obvious she is not well. OK, I promise. Last post tonight. It's been another 20 hour day and I have another one tomorrow. (and no I'm not whining-- I just got back to work after two weeks off). But I've got to get to bed and try to sleep. Thanks everybody for the replies and advice. I really appreciate it. I'll check back in tomorrow. Good night, JK Will talk more tomorrow. I understand because I suffered from anxiety.. I realized i needed help and got it. CBT saved me. Goodnight and sleep well.
Darren Steez Posted January 3, 2013 Posted January 3, 2013 whichwayisup, thanks for your advice. Like I said, I've never cheated on my wife (even though she cheated on me) and I know I would regret it. I'm not thinking clearly. I have just not had another attractive woman be so forward with me and I'm being honest when I say it turned me on. My wife and I have a pretty stable life financially and mostly life is good... I just wish she would get better, but it feels like things will stay this way forever. I don't want a divorce. I've asked her if she is still attracted to me and she says she is, but she just doesn't have any sexual desire. The lady/coworker's husband is ignoring her on purpose to be mean. I thinks she wants to have an affair just to spite him and hope he finds out so he'll pay more attention to her. If that's her reason then that is wrong and I won't play along with that. Excuse me but how do you know that? Did he tell you this himself or did the wife who wants to cheat on him tell you. Work on your marriage and stop taking the cowards way out. Yes sex is a basic need but if your wife doesn't/won't seek counselling and you feel it's a basic need to have sex then bite the bullet and get gone. Nothing rationalizes cheating. 1
waterwoman Posted January 3, 2013 Posted January 3, 2013 Take coworker out of equation. You wouldn't have thought of having an affair before she came along so ignore her. It sounds to me as if she is simply using you to get at her H - don't be part of that - let them sort out their own issues. Now, the IMPORTANT part of this story, your wife's mental health, or lack of it. I have been more or less where she is. OK, I've always worked and I actually beleive that was part of the start of my depression (mine started with PND after I went back to work when baby #2 was a few months old) but I have still been where she is emotionally. She is sick - refusal to see the problem is part of the sickness. No, you can't force her to see a doctor but you can lay it on the line - tell her how unhappy you feel, tell her that you have been approached by someone else and although you would never stray, you were seriously tempted. Let her know that her problem has become your problem too - she had no choice but to deal with her illness asap! Anti-depressants may not be the answer - they stole my libido completely for a while!! But they are worth considering. As is CBT but the main thing is helping your W see that she needs to address this for her sake and the sake of her marriage. Do you have a dog? Would you consider getting one? If so it will work miracles in getting her out and about. We got one last year and I know that everyday I have to take him for a walk come rain or shine (I know the rest of my family will 'forget' ). And I go running 3 times a week. Getting out in the fresh air, getting those lungs and heart working, getting those endorphins flowing is the very best thing. Remember that if you love your wife and you wish to stay married, having an affair is the very worst way of dealing with this. Good luck x 1
BetrayedH Posted January 3, 2013 Posted January 3, 2013 Your wife needs an ultimatum. Get serious help and make changes or face divorce. Lack of sex at this age is not healthy and not something you should accept. Nor is her continued illness without real treatment. Tell her about the coworker. It's not meant to hurt her but to demonstrate that this has reached seriously risky proportions and you don't want to lose your marriage. Put your ****ing foot down. 2
road Posted January 3, 2013 Posted January 3, 2013 I think the EA's were PA's. Your WW has learned to better hide them and is in one now. Your WW can claim Dr is treating here for low sex drive. WW claiming does not make it true. You both must meet with her Dr to talk. You WW can be pining for her OM. You did not get the truth about those affairs. Schedule a polygraph test for her to take. Key logger on the PC, hide VAR and GPS in WW car. WW, just looking at OM FB pages is her breaking NC. As long as there is no NC WW will never come back to the marriage.
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