eyeful Posted January 3, 2013 Posted January 3, 2013 (edited) Basically, just as she doesn't think that the sexual, romantic love part will work (she broke up with me), I don't think that a casual, yet rather unconventional, friendship will work (it wouldn't be friends with benefits or anything, just a friendship with no physical affection or exclusivity/romantic commitment, etc.). Here is my plan: I have invited her to meet me, in private (probably at my residence), to finally get to the bottom of things (she has been beating around the bush lately, and wanting to meet in public places...when we have touched against the issue of why we are breaking up, she gets defensive or breaks down in tears). I have suggested we make no contact until that time. During that meeting, I am going to ask her plainly if she wants to work towards reconciliation of the love relationship (not the friendship), from here on. I am going to make it very clear that I am willing to do anything in my power to make that work, but of course, it takes two to tango, so the choice will be hers. I assume that she will answer no, as she mostly has recently (but she has given some mixed signals, which is why I want to make sure, face to face, in private). I will probably put on some background music so that people in adjacent rooms won't hear, to increase privacy. If her answer is a clear no (that she doesn't want to reconcile), then I am going to tell her that we can indeed remain friends (as I promised her), but it will not be the kind of friendship where we see each other regularly. In fact, we may very well not see each other at all. We will end on a friendly note, but really, there will be little to no contact. I will not contact her, because we both know it's too hard for me to not have her as a lover (that 'carrot-dangling' dynamic has been going on for too long now, it really upsets and confuses me). She admitted to me that she wants friendship with me for two reasons primarily: 1) to keep her 'foot in the door' with me, and 2) to make sure I am okay. I propose a solution to this, where my alternative idea for friendship satisfies those two needs. For 1) I let her keep her foot in the door without seeing me (she can always call to try to reconcile), and 2) I promise her now that I will be okay. I am sure she would hear from a friend or family member if something happened. So, I am going to say that she should contact me for just two reasons: 1) to try to get back together with me (which I will in no way guarantee), and 2) if it is an emergency of some kind. That's really about it. How does this sound, as a plan? It's basically going NC, but I'm trying to end it on positive terms, while keeping the idea of friendship intact (we definitely won't be enemies). She's just sending too many mixed and disappointing signals for me to go along with her strange concept of friendship. I'm way too attracted to her to keep doing that, and as she abstains from physical affection despite expressing a strong attraction to me, I just don't know what to say or do. It seems like an absurd situation to me, and one which I see no reason to continue with. True, I don't have many friends in town at the moment, but I am very introverted, and have sort of let go of some interests for the past couple years, as I focused on our relationship. So, I can get back to reading, studying, solitary walks, whatever else I want, maybe branching out, and keeping the job I now have (I have struggled with unemployment too). I want to make sure I am doing the right thing, making a decision that I feel good about and can stick with. My mind has changed *frequently* and *extremely* over the past weeks and months. Yet for some reason, this feels like an actual resolution, which will really be best for all parties involved. I will also make it clear that we are both allowed to date other people if we want, and that neither of us should share that information with the other (I think that I really don't want to know if she starts dating someone else). If she contacts me down the line to reconcile, I will want to know (dating others will hurt her chances big time), but otherwise, I think it might be best if I just let that go, and let it be her business (since she is the one breaking up, and mentioned some interest in other men at one point). This is a way to get to the bottom of things, I think. Any feedback is appreciated. Edited January 3, 2013 by eyeful
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